How to respond to this elderly gentleman inviting my 15-year-old son to spend an afternoon with him

[TR888]

This sounds creepy but it isn't. This is a genuinely kind gentleman, aged 80+, who I know in a work capacity. He hasn't met my son yet but has helped find him a work experience opportunity through a contact of his.

He used to own a company when still working and is well known in his field. He suggested complementing my son's work experience with a day out in an industrial museum and then coffee at his place where he can meet his wife. I would then collect him from there.

I have zero concerns regarding any possible untoward intentions in this invitation. I think he's just being kind to me - he's taken a liking to me for some reason (again, not in an inappropriate way).

This can actually be a brilliant opportunity for my son for many reasons. The problem is, he tells me he doesn't feel like "hanging out" with some old man for a whole afternoon. And then it dawned on me that he probably won't know how to make conversation for so long.

The solution is for me to come along, which is also more appropriate. My son would be happy with that. But if I suggest that, I'd be inviting myself to this outing and to his home. How can I phrase it in the right way? He's very, very posh - not that it matters, but between me being foreign and him coming from a very different background, I never know what the expectations are!

Thanks 🙂

Well, not many 15 year olds are, unless perhaps they have a customer service job. But everyone has to make that leap sometime.

I'd just plump up his confidence and tell him you every confidence he'll
Be able to chat away.

I bet he'd be fine

Good call. I had a really really wonderful uncle who died a few months back. Looking for photos of him it was all him and son looking geekily at things in museums. You can always wander off to make a phone call, look at other things, go to the loo.

I doubt he'll have to talk; just listen and hopefully learn during a fascinating afternoon.

I'd encourage him to go alone. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Good life lesson.

It’s so weird how many people are happy for their son to spend the day with a man they’ve never met. I’m not saying there is anything untoward with this man but it’s not a known fact if he is or isn’t ok. Personally I wouldn’t send my son off alone, especially as he doesn’t want to. No good reason at all why OP cannot go along too.

This is my thought exactly.
How can he refuse a ready made audience to impart knowledge and broaden horizons? Im sure he’d be flattered.

Be VERY careful. I knew a man for 20 years, and trusted him when he offered to do something lovely for my son which entailed them spending time alone together. Now my son is a victim of csa and that man is in prison. If you could tell who the paedophiles were there wouldn’t be so many victims

This man sounds very well connected. What a great opportunity for your son!

I’d go with him, and gradually recede into conversation with this chap’s wife, so your son is left to engage fully with your friend once you have broken the ice

This.

OP you seem very fixated on the appropriateness or other wise of this encounter.
This man is a friend who has very kindly helped your son out.

Anyway, I have a 14yo son and totally understand how awkward it could be so as PPs have said I would say he is shy. I bet if this chap put his 15 yo self in your son's shoes he'd completely understand.

What a lovely gesture! I’d say my son is shy and can be awkward and can you come? And how lovely it would be to meet his wife

But young people have to do this all the time. They're interviews for jobs, have to work alongside adults in holiday jobs. All kinds of situations. And known adults can cause just as much threat (think dodgy teachers and relatives).

As the visit is in the same line of work your son is interested in, can't you just say that you are interested as well and would like the opportunity to know more.

Just say no thank you and stop overthinking it. No need for all this "I'm foreign, I don't know what the expectations are" business.

You're just creating drama where there is either little or none, as I always say on these types of posts.

There is a huge difference between meeting in public and going back to someone’s house where his wife may OR MAY NOT be

I have a friend from college whose mother included him in social activities involving different generations and made it clear that he was expected to be 'age-blind' and do his best to communicate with everyone. I can't stress enough how much it advantaged him at college and work afterwards.

I think my son is not confident enough to spend a couple of hours with someone so much older and from such different background ... I'd rather he feels comfortable

On the basis of you being confident that there's nothing dodgy going on here I'd probably take the middle course of going along, introducing them and chatting briefly, then fading away
Hopefully this might help DS to get over any initial awkwardness but still allow him to shine on his own account, which he'll soon have to do in the world of work anyway

We met a lovely man who sounds similar to your chap, at the imperial war museum.

He saw the interest my then ten year old son had and gave him a great talk and shared his huge knowledge.

Many men of that generation are excellent role models.

I would suggest that you say something like, 'As you haven't met my son before, I will be accompanying him this time, plus I'm really interested too!"

@TR888

well, he should take this opportunity to stretch himself & practice. He's not just going to be suddenly confident enough to do it easily.

it's you job to give him wings,not just shelter him under yours!

I'm struggling to understand the age gap issues.

Surely there are plenty of 15 year olds who have a grandad aged 80? (not all grandparents are young. My dad wasn't a grandad till he was 62.)

If this was an invitation to spend an afternoon with David Attenborough would your son decline on the basis he was 90+?

I think he should go alone and if it's so terrifying for him, you could join in later in the day.

Personally I wouldn’t send my son off alone, especially as he doesn’t want to. No good reason at all why OP cannot go along too

So what then happens when DS needs to go for formal interviews, assessment days or whatever?

As the daughter of immigrants I can’t help wondering where in foreign-land children are not taught, as a matter of course, to show attentive respect to older people.

Finding it slightly hard to believe you wouldn’t have passed such values on to your son, @TR888 …

If he wants to go and you want him to go fine. I think too often people are so worried about offending others that they never want to say no. If it was my dc I would say no as it would cause me hassle if I tried to make them do something like that.

I also work in a school and in that setting I would be encouraging it!

Yes I think flattering him is your best bet.

I second this.

Absolutely no need for you to be involved, and a great opportunity for your son in many ways.

It sounds as though he thinks of himself as a family friend, but actually he's your friend/ colleague and is a stranger to your son?