Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How to respond to this elderly gentleman inviting my 15-year-old son to spend an afternoon with him

134 replies

TR888 · 07/07/2023 14:12

This sounds creepy but it isn't. This is a genuinely kind gentleman, aged 80+, who I know in a work capacity. He hasn't met my son yet but has helped find him a work experience opportunity through a contact of his.

He used to own a company when still working and is well known in his field. He suggested complementing my son's work experience with a day out in an industrial museum and then coffee at his place where he can meet his wife. I would then collect him from there.

I have zero concerns regarding any possible untoward intentions in this invitation. I think he's just being kind to me - he's taken a liking to me for some reason (again, not in an inappropriate way).

This can actually be a brilliant opportunity for my son for many reasons. The problem is, he tells me he doesn't feel like "hanging out" with some old man for a whole afternoon. And then it dawned on me that he probably won't know how to make conversation for so long.

The solution is for me to come along, which is also more appropriate. My son would be happy with that. But if I suggest that, I'd be inviting myself to this outing and to his home. How can I phrase it in the right way? He's very, very posh - not that it matters, but between me being foreign and him coming from a very different background, I never know what the expectations are!

Thanks 🙂

OP posts:
Waterfallgirl · 07/07/2023 15:43

You both should do what makes you both feel comfortable.

if the man is as polite and courteous as you say he will probably welcome you going along.

my DC are older now but in similar situations when I was there and they were interacting with maybe an older friend or colleague (even though they would have probably felt the same as your son), after the initial few minutes they found confidence and got on fine. (I was always surprised at how they could converse actually when mostly at home they were doing the usual teenage grunting / moaning) 😀

EggInANest · 07/07/2023 15:45

Just say the museum sounds incredibly interesting and you would love to meet his wife so is it ok for you to join them.

EffortlessDesmond · 07/07/2023 15:46

I am with those who think it sounds a very interesting opportunity for your son, and that you should encourage him to accept the invitation. But I don't think it would be odd to say that he's a little shy, and that you too are interested, so would you mind if I tagged along?

If it goes well, and your son hits it off with your elderly friendly colleague, then a friendship is strengthened, and if not, no one has wasted more than an afternoon. Not that a visit to a museum with a personal guide is ever a wate.

willWillSmithsmith · 07/07/2023 15:47

Nc4this1234 · 07/07/2023 15:19

There is a huge difference between meeting in public and going back to someone’s house where his wife may OR MAY NOT be

Absolutely. This man may be fine and have a lovely wife but he may not. The fact is OP doesn’t really know other than what she sees at face value. At least if OP goes, meets his wife etc then she and her son can go from there regarding any future days.

Original poster
TR888 · 07/07/2023 15:51

CountryCousin - what an odd comment to make! I don't think I've created any drama?

I'm not sure why this thread is going downhill. There are a few very strange posts which I don't understand.

In any case, the email is sent. I've suggested going along and assume it'll be ok. As one helpful poster suggested, I'll try and talk to his wife more so that my son and this man can chat, and he can benefit from the experience.

OP posts:
TheOrigRights · 07/07/2023 15:52

willWillSmithsmith · 07/07/2023 15:47

Absolutely. This man may be fine and have a lovely wife but he may not. The fact is OP doesn’t really know other than what she sees at face value. At least if OP goes, meets his wife etc then she and her son can go from there regarding any future days.

Show quote history

Am I being naive in thinking that at 15 this boy should have the skills to leave the house if he feels uncomfortable?
If the man has sinister intentions the fact that the boy's Mum went along to the first meeting in the house won't make any difference. What exactly will she be looking for?

Qbish · 07/07/2023 15:53

I've not RTFT but I would say this could be a great learning and growing opportunity for your son. I would gently encourage him into it, or even bribe him!

CountryCousin · 07/07/2023 15:53

You may have mixed up some posters’ comments, @TR888 - I haven’t mentioned drama in any of mine?

Original poster
TR888 · 07/07/2023 15:57

I honestly have no concerns on that front. Also, my boy is a very strong, 6'4" teenager and this gentleman is quite frail. I kniw he has no ill intentions but even if he did, he has no chance...

I think some older people who were very busy during their working years might miss that when they retire. This man is very sociable and loves talking. And yes, I wonder too if he's a little lonely perhaps.

OP posts:
User5653218 · 07/07/2023 15:57

This sounds lovely. My dad would love to do that sort of thing but would worry about how it would come across. And no-one shares his boring obsession with ham radios. He often moans about how kids today will never know the joy of finding a random person to chat to on the radio out in the shed. (But worries about my kids getting groomed by random people on the Internet)

itsgettingweird · 07/07/2023 15:58

I'd encourage him to go alone.

Men of this generation have grown up and seen so much they have so much to share he'll be able to start many a conversation.

Also it's really good for teens to learn to converse in the way this generation did.

My dad is in his 70's and is brilliant with young men and engaging them in conversation (also an ex teacher) and my son and nephew and extended family have benefitted so much from this.

Original poster
TR888 · 07/07/2023 15:58

Sorry, CountryCousin! I mixed you up with someone else 🙂

OP posts:
GameOverBoys · 07/07/2023 16:02

willWillSmithsmith · 07/07/2023 15:02

Are you upper class yourself? You mean make him go when he said he didn’t want to?

Show quote history

Haha far from it, I do know a lot of privately educated kids through work though.
Im not sure you can make a 15 year old do anything but I would strongly encourage them.

weirdoboelady · 07/07/2023 16:05

"Thank you so much for your invitation. My son is actually very interested, but very shy, and I'm very conscious that he has had limited experience of social interaction with someone as interesting as you, so he might just freeze up! Would it be possible for me to come along? I'm hesitant in suggesting this because it sounds such a treat and it's imposing an extra person on you, but I think it would really help if I came along so that I could help unfreeze him if necessary. I promise not to interfere if the conversation is going well!"

Eveninginparis · 07/07/2023 16:09

The problem is, he tells me he doesn't feel like "hanging out" with some old man for a whole afternoon.

Then you need to cancel.

It sounds "creepy" to me.

BMW6 · 07/07/2023 16:09

TR888 · 07/07/2023 14:28

Yes! You're so right, but I think my son is not confident enough to spend a couple of hours with someone so much older and from such different background... I'd rather he feels comfortable.

What you've written here is what you could say to the chap.

Original poster
TR888 · 07/07/2023 16:11

Sorted. He's replied and said I'm very welcome to come along. Now, he wonders if we shall meet at my house and then go to the museum. Or maybe meet at my work place. None of those locations are in the way to the museum... unless what he means is that he'll give us a lift?

Anyway, it's very nice he's taking an interest in us. I'll suggest meeting at the museum as it's easier for everyone.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 07/07/2023 16:12

Excellent! Hope you all have a great time!

Singingthesong · 07/07/2023 16:13

Just get him to say yes, and go along if it helps him make the contact.

Original poster
TR888 · 07/07/2023 16:15

Weirdoboelady, your words are perfect! I've already sent the email, unfortunately, otherwise I'd have cut and pasted the whole thing!

OP posts:
AIBUIthinkNot · 07/07/2023 16:29

If it's any thing to do with steam or honestly anything 'industrial' your friend will do ALL of the talking, your son just needs to nod along
Engineers love to share their knowledge, they genuinely get a massive kick out of it and if they spot someone who might be interested, might have potential, they are very generous.
I wish your son a long, exciting career in engineering if he is lucky enough to have the spark.

ActDottie · 07/07/2023 16:33

I’d just say your son is quite shy so is it ok if you join too?

Lifeomars · 07/07/2023 16:33

Centuries ago when I was at school we were encouraged to do voluntary work I remember my (very stroppy) sister going to a home for older people and she ended up really enjoying it. I was sent to help at a local playgroup and at 16 it did wonders for my confidence. I had to go alone, introduce myself, and fit my hours in with my school timetable. I also had a Saturday job at a big branch of Boots and learnt so much about communicating with people from all age groups. I think this is a great opportunity for your son, as others have said, maybe stay around initially but then leave them to it .

muckerfish · 07/07/2023 16:35

willWillSmithsmith · 07/07/2023 15:09

It’s so weird how many people are happy for their son to spend the day with a man they’ve never met. I’m not saying there is anything untoward with this man but it’s not a known fact if he is or isn’t ok. Personally I wouldn’t send my son off alone, especially as he doesn’t want to. No good reason at all why OP cannot go along too.

She has met him and knows him well. And the son is 15, not 4. Presumably he can protect himself against an 80 year old man if anything were to occur. Good grief, no wonder the younger generation isn't prepared for adulthood. 🙄

You should make him go. If you must go along, try and stay in the background and give your son the experience he needs.

willWillSmithsmith · 07/07/2023 16:39

TR888 · 07/07/2023 16:11

Sorted. He's replied and said I'm very welcome to come along. Now, he wonders if we shall meet at my house and then go to the museum. Or maybe meet at my work place. None of those locations are in the way to the museum... unless what he means is that he'll give us a lift?

Anyway, it's very nice he's taking an interest in us. I'll suggest meeting at the museum as it's easier for everyone.

That’s great and the reply I’d be hoping for. A reluctance to include you would have been a big red flag to me. I hope you all have a lovely day.

Swipe left for the next trending thread