How to respond to this elderly gentleman inviting my 15-year-old son to spend an afternoon with him

[TR888]

This sounds creepy but it isn't. This is a genuinely kind gentleman, aged 80+, who I know in a work capacity. He hasn't met my son yet but has helped find him a work experience opportunity through a contact of his.

He used to own a company when still working and is well known in his field. He suggested complementing my son's work experience with a day out in an industrial museum and then coffee at his place where he can meet his wife. I would then collect him from there.

I have zero concerns regarding any possible untoward intentions in this invitation. I think he's just being kind to me - he's taken a liking to me for some reason (again, not in an inappropriate way).

This can actually be a brilliant opportunity for my son for many reasons. The problem is, he tells me he doesn't feel like "hanging out" with some old man for a whole afternoon. And then it dawned on me that he probably won't know how to make conversation for so long.

The solution is for me to come along, which is also more appropriate. My son would be happy with that. But if I suggest that, I'd be inviting myself to this outing and to his home. How can I phrase it in the right way? He's very, very posh - not that it matters, but between me being foreign and him coming from a very different background, I never know what the expectations are!

Thanks 🙂

It’s time for your son to develop a vital life skill, and this is a low-stakes way to do it.

How will he cope at work experience if he can’t manage to spend time with an older person for a couple of hours without his mummy? Many 15 year olds have jobs where they are required to provide customer service for many more hours per week. Has your son not spent time with older family members, neighbours or friends of the family? I see so many posts on this site which seem to indicate that people think that older people are another species. Don’t be one of those people, or pass that view on to your son.

His school doesn't offer the kind of opportunities you mention. And you're right, I can see how young people who are comfortable talking to others have a huge advantage. I find that young people struggle more and more with social skills these days...

But why? It sounds like a great opportunity for several different reasons.

I think work experience is different because you're working, and there's always plenty to say about work. This is a purely social thing. But I take your point.

I’d just say that your son would like you to come along too. No reason this man should have an issue with that if everything is as you believe it to be.

I would not be sending my teen off for a day out with a man they hardly know, that’s just weird and awkward.

This.

Simple solution.

I see a potential for inheritance and money and so much more. Not all old men are mollesting rapists. Most have wisdom, knowledge among a myriad of different qualities. He's probably lonely.
I would go just even if it was a one off. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Theres nothing wrong with mum going the firsst time and then any subsequent meet ups or visits, he can go alone.

He’s 15. The man is upfront and open about the invitation- has checked with the mother first. His wife will be hosting tea afterwards. Is the concept of people actually being nice so alien?

This is the ideal opportunity for your son to build confidence in making conversation with others. It's someone you trust, and he knows that so he doesn't need to worry. They will be going to a museum which creates something to talk about but also provides some distraction so it's not too full on. When they have coffee afterwards he can ask questions about the man's career and ask for career advice. The conversation will flow more easily than he's expecting, it always does in these situations.
If you go along too you son will naturally default to you to make the conversation. Let him go it alone, it'll be such a great experience for him if he can pluck up the courage.

I’m sure he’s lovely, I have a soft spot for Kevins- I have a 22 year old one wfh in the room next door.
He’s a good example actually. Life throws curveballs; university through covid then a job which just 5 years ago would have started with a fortnights fun and training with his peers and lots of opportunities for training and networking- in his bedroom 😒
Fortunately he’d gained the confidence before so his evenings and weekend are spent scoring extremely fun enriching highbrow things as well as pub and friends. Looking at his lovely Dad he’d have been ruined not having the normal young adult work experience- he’s still a bit awkward around adults.

I see no reason why you can’t join them, in fact I’d be perturbed and concerned if I wasn’t welcome. Even if everything is completely above board no fifteen year old wants to hang out with an octogenarian they barely know.

Well the op said her son didn’t want to go. I wouldn’t make him. She goes on to say he is quite amenable so yes she could offer to go with him.

This is why upperclass kids do so much better in life. They are able to talk and interact with a range of adults because private schools deliberately set up opportunities for them to do so. if there are zero concerns for his safety then tell him to pull himself together and go. It will be fine.

The invitation sounds lovely and thoughtful. I can understand your son feeling uneasy at the idea of making conversation for a couple of hours with an older man he doesn't know so accompanying him sounds perfect.

Fifteen year olds don’t tend to want to spend the day with 80 somethings by themselves who they barely know and who aren’t family.

I think its fine for you to tag along. I think with all of these things there is always potential for abuse but this could also be a very opportunity for son to get mentoring from an older man. I would encourage your son to go.

This is perfect, Op. I think it is important that you accompany your 15 year old son. Go with your instincts. No one’s saying anything untoward is meant, but the fact is, you don’t really know. And as you said, your son would welcome your presence anyway.

Are you upper class yourself? You mean make him go when he said he didn’t want to?

He’s 15. The man is upfront and open about the invitation- has checked with the mother first. His wife will be hosting tea afterwards. Is the concept of people actually being nice so alien?

You sound naive. Many abusers hide in plain sight.

I’m not saying that is the case with this man, but it doesn’t sound like OP knows him that well and her son has never even met him. It would be weird to just send her 15 year old son off with this man. Most importantly, her son is uncomfortable with that.

OP going along is the perfect solution.

Thanks, everyone! This is turning into a very interesting conversation. I agree what you say about private vs state schools in terms of the development of communication skills. In the future, I think these soft skills will be more and more important...

I think, all things said, my feeling is that the list important thing is for this outing to go well. So I think I'll suggest coming along, but will try and not dominate the conversation too much. There might be other opportunities for my son to see this man at a later date, perhaps, and if things go well this time and then he can go on his own next time.

Please let us know it went, OP.

This is true. Great store is set by eye contact, making conversation, answering in full sentences. When it’s the norm from reception it becomes a habit.

Part of a responsibility as a parent , from the time your child is born, is preparing them to go into the world on their own.
This means as points both you and they need to step out of their comfort zone.
Until a couple of months ago your son could have got married at 16 , he can start the application for armed services at 15 years and 7 months , in Scotland a bill has been passed to allow 16 year olds to vote.
He is going to museum , a public place , and then back to an elderly couples house . The price he has to pay is make conversation . Presumably he is looking at a future career in engineering or similar , where the ability to communicate and lead is essential?
In terms of risk these seems like a low risk , high gain situation, the worst that will probably happen is that he feels awkward and will have to deal with that. Isn't that a lesson we all have to learn ?

In the future, I think these soft skills will be more and more important...

If this is what you think, why aren’t you doing anything about it in the present? 🤔