How would you react if your 12 year old did this?

[AlanJohnsonsBeemer]

INSET day here today so DC had a friend to sleepover last night. Woke up at 7am to find them and their friend not here. Extreme panic! Checked Life360 and they were in the park round the corner! Phoned and told them to come home immediately. They had Whatsapped at 6.30 saying they were bored and were going for a walk/to park.

Would you punish/revoke freedoms for a bit? Or is it a bit silly? Totally fine?

Fair point, but I do think that 2 x 12 year olds walking about unaccompanied and clearly not going to school at 6.30am may look a bit uncared for and vulnerable and therefore quite easy prey to all types of dodgy person.

However, as mentioned, my main issue was not actually being given the opportunity to decide for myself if I was happy with DD going out at that time. Not that I would have been happy being woken up either, they should have waited and asked.

I would have said: have a wash and some food, if you still feel like it, go for a walk at 8am

I don't think you've been overreacting at all.

I would have gone crazy! I certainly wouldn't be letting my daughter have another sleepover with that girl.

And I definitely wouldn't let her go to her house.

It's an odd time for children to be at the park. I would not be happy and tbh, my daughter wouldn't have been keen on venturing to the park at that time anyway. She s 12.

I’d have had a heart attack to wake up and find them gone. They’re just 12 yr olds finding out what their life boundaries are. But if I was in a park at 6.30 am and saw two young girls I would worry about them. 99% of the time they would be safe but for the odd vile opportunist there wouldn’t be so many people around to witness anything. It’s just keeping them safe. Girls walking to school on main roads with cars / people going past at that time is very different to being in a park. Plus the responsibility of someone else’s child. I don’t think there should be a punishment, but a very clear boundary chat with them both!

You don’t let your child out before 10AM???!!!

You are really being over the top. In the kindest way, I think you should seek some counselling for your anxiety before it affects your relationship with your daughter.

Do you live in a place with a high crime rate OP? You sound very anxious, but that may be justified if you live in a dangerous place.

We live in a rural market town and 12yo DS has had free range for quite some time. He's often gone for hours with his friends and we don't know exactly where he is. I wouldn't think twice about it if he went out without asking and long as he sent a text or left a note.

No way would the police even glance at children in our local park at 6.30am.

This would be serious chat here. Not about the act of going to park early, but about them not waking us/getting a response to the message. We can only provide “parental emergency response” units when we are conscious and aware of where they are! 🤣

OP agree but I wouldn’t be going batshit, they didn’t realise it was unsafe and left a note, I’d be explaining in no uncertain terms why that was a very unwise thing to do.

This is utter nonsense.

I understand the immediate panic but in their minds they've probably been quite sensible and considerate.

They didn't want to wake you up early so left the house quietly and sent you a message so you didn't worry. They also had Life360 activated so you knew they were where they said they were. They answered the phone straight away and came home when told.

I wouldn't say going to the park at 6.30am was anymore dangerous than going at 6.30pm, especially given how light it is. Our parks are full of dog walkers, joggers and young children at that time of day.

So I do understand your panic but I think the conversation needs to be more about how she needs to speak to you first (not WhatsApp you) rather than going in all guns blazing.

This wouldn't bother me.

Give over! She woke to find her child and friend gone from the house early in the morning. To be concerned about that does not require counselling for anxiety.

I would be insisting they came right back, DD would be grounded and her mate dropped off home. Completely not ok.

I would just have a conversation about what I expected them to do next time they wanted to do something so early , such as wake me and ask! They presumably thought that by messaging you they had done the right thing so you only need to talk about why that wasn’t enough.

I'm Confused

You said she wats app you at 630am

So why didn't you see this on your phone before you checked 360 at 7am when woke

They let you know - yes a little early imo but together and they were where they said would be

With all due respect OP, you are the adult here so you are responsible for boundaries. You can punish them for doing wrong when they didn't violate a boundary or break a rule because you had none in place. That's like punishing a toddler for eating a biscuit when they don't know they can't.

You don't sound like you set boundaries easily. So you can't get up their tail for suddenly violating an unwritten rule.

They were extremely considerate for 12-year-olds to have messaged you telling you where they were, and to not go far away.

They don't need punishing any more than you do, for accepting a child overnight without knowing if their parents know where they are. Is that kidnapping? Oh, and as for the police comment.... that tells me you're not in control of your boundary situation at all. As does your continued reference to deciding what to do as 'mulling it over' and 'seeing what the mood is when they wake up'. Really? Proper boundaries aren't governed by moods or wasting time mulling.

You need to contact a parent of any child staying at yours to be certain they know where their child is (and agree!) and what time they will be returned home and you should be on the blower right now telling them, rather than assuming their (lax or strict) parenting boundaries and strategies should rule your home too.

I agree with Sometimesgood that in future you need to phone the parents to see if their dd has permission to be in your home, and to check when they were expected back before you make plans to send them out into town or not (and to check whether there are any medical issues of which you should be aware). Imagine if their dd had not told them or had left a WhatsApp message which hadn't been read!!

But if they had told the OP they were going, this still would’ve been possible.

What they didn’t realise was that they need to tell you where they’re going, that’s all. Let them head into town today.

I don’t tend to wake up and check my phone, I got up and noticed DD’s bedroom door open and assumed they were downstairs, when I was making coffee I realised they weren’t downstairs or in the garden. Went upstairs to grab phone and call them, told DH they weren’t in the house, I phone them while he checked Life360, before they answered he saw they were at the park.

I have absolutely no issues setting boundaries, but as this was a grey area (was morning, not night, but very early/they had left a WhatsApp, but hasn’t asked/ might feel differently if it was a friend I knew) so asked other parents how they would feel, mindful that it would be easy to either under or over react.

The sole purpose of my post was to gauge opinions then evaluate what I felt was the right thing to do. Isn’t that the point of MN? It used to be.

The very mixed responses on this thread show that there are lots of different ideas/opinions about this situation but most people would see it as a either a silly error of judgement or totally fine.

When I ring the Dr for my extreme anxiety I will also hand myself in the the police for kidnapping. FFS 😂.

I'm glad you see the absurdness of expecting police to take action over something they never would be required to.

Oh, wait...

Again, you need to adjust your notification settings on your phone.