How would you react if your 12 year old did this?

[AlanJohnsonsBeemer]

INSET day here today so DC had a friend to sleepover last night. Woke up at 7am to find them and their friend not here. Extreme panic! Checked Life360 and they were in the park round the corner! Phoned and told them to come home immediately. They had Whatsapped at 6.30 saying they were bored and were going for a walk/to park.

Would you punish/revoke freedoms for a bit? Or is it a bit silly? Totally fine?

Replying to a comment is hardly the same as worrying all day about 2 random 12 year olds you've read about in a thread 🙄

I wouldn’t punish but make it clear that they need to come and tell you that they want to go out at such an early time in the morning and always ensure a parent knows where they are.

I'd go ballistic because of the responsibility for sleepoverkid. I'd want to know from both, which of them suggested/ talked the other into it. I would, of course, inform the other parents; better they hear it from you than via the grapevine/jungle drums

I'd tell DC, that's the last sleepover with that friend; either at their house or yours.

Incidentally I would never permit or risk an unknown sleepover with zero contact from the other parents, without knowing their address, names, contact details, and sharing mine.

That would be fine by me. Mine set off for school at that time and travel across the city via several forms of transport. So the park round the corner is no biggy and she had whatsapped.

Would have already set off*

'None of the "unacceptable behaviour" posters has explained why yet. Perhaps you could?

Exactly. It tells me they'd be equally feckless/careless of my child's safety at their house.

You haven't said whether they (or your DD at least) were aware that they shouldn't leave the house before a certain time. That makes the difference between a 12 year old maybe not being too thoughtful and a 12 year old being deliberately defiant. Without this information it's impossible to say how I would react. So, have you told your DD she isn't allowed out until X time?

They are fast asleep which tells me that going into a busy town centre on public transport wouldn’t have been a great idea after staying up all night, e.g. since 6.30am yesterday. I will assess the mood when they wake up.

Do you think they would have passed out in the middle of the town if they'd gone out? Of course they wouldn't. You're trying to justify your bizarre over-reaction.

You’ll note that I worded my response carefully to say ”without making sure I knew”.
It’s not enough to just leave a note or send a WhatsApp message in our house. It’s a face to face conversation or a phone call.

Good grief, I think a lot of people have explained. It’s not the fact that they went, but the fact that they didn’t make sure the parent knew. If the parent was still asleep then she would be none the wiser if something did happen.

No, admittedly have never said “don’t go out at 6.30am without asking/saying where you are going”

*saying to an awake adult

Is your DD used to being allowed to go to the park unaccompanied? If so, this my have coloured her decision.

at what age do you think they out to be able to make autonomous decisions about what to do and where to go without asking your permission

DH and I are ex Mountain Rescue, our kids were all trained in hill safety and we had an unbreakable family rule that nobody went off alone unless they had told us they were going, where, who with, and given an expected return time. They knew we meant it because DH and I adhered to it ourselves (and still do). Similar rules applied to the kids city forays (in Glasgow) by night and day.

Because they knew how to be responsible and look after themselves, we were happy to let them loose around the world as soon as they left school.

Yes she has lots of freedom, the only thing we say no to is going to the beach without an adult. I wouldn’t let her into town after shop closing time, but she has never asked to do that.

I suppose if it's an incredibly dangerous area I can see why people would be worried. The OP hasn't said it is, though. What "something" might happen?

My initial worries were/would be:

going to meet someone the friend has connected with online, a massive reach but have outlined that friend lives v free range so may do online as well

getting mugged by someone sleeping in park

getting approached by some random pervert

all could happen at any point in day obviously, but less likely to in the middle of the day

I wouldn't be happy about it, but they obviously thought it was okay so I wouldn't punish DD. I'd make sure she knew it wasn't going to happen again though and if she wants to go somewhere she needs to have a conversation with me first, not just leave a text.

At 12 I wouldn’t worry. Mine was catching the train from London to Blackpool alone at that age. More sensible that a lot of adults I know. My parents worked very long hours and away and I’d go days without seeing them from about yr 7 . I used to feed myself and get myself off to school. Also being paid to babysit as well.
I appreciate that some people would see this as extreme, but I do believe an awful lot of children are infantilised these days. I know several 10 year olds who are treated like toddlers . She text you to say where she was? And it was daylight by then?

I can't believe what sheltered lives 12 year olds lead nowadays. "Police would bring them home" Don't be ridiculous.

I know people are saying I had a bizarre over reaction, and I feel I have taken most viewpoints on board, but I do think most people would have a shock if they woke up and their 12 year old was not in the house without prior agreement. Initially I though they may have gone out in the middle of the night. It took me by surprise hence not checking WhatsApp immediately.

I think with that being allowed lots of freedom needs to come with an element of trust in their judgement. But I also see that she had tried to do the right thing by messaging, even if the right thing would be to wait for me to wake up and ask.

I couldn't get excited about this, mine both had morning paper rounds and were out and about every morning at that time from age 13. One of them cycled through the park on his own as part of his round. I definitely didn't get up to see them off. They met all kinds of joggers, dog walkers, kids getting school buses. I never gave their safety a thought except that they might ride their bikes on the path and knock somebody over. They also did paper rounds on dark mornings in winter.
As for the poster who said young ladies are more vulnerable, we can't keep our daughters in and restrict them because of the actions of others. I had some flack for allowing my daughter to do a morning paper round but none for allowing my son the same freedom and chance to earn some money. This used to infuriate me.
I would be irritated if they hadn't told me.

Absolutely agree.

I'd argue that all those things were much more likely to happen in the middle of the day actually. Other than the someone sleeping, but then a sleeping person is not going to mug you.

Random perverts are not going to be hanging round the park at 6.30am on the off chance and nor are online randoms.

At 6.30am our local park contains joggers, dog walkers, people on their way to work and mothers with insomniac toddlers.