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Original poster

How would you react if your 12 year old did this?

171 replies

AlanJohnsonsBeemer · 07/07/2023 09:00

INSET day here today so DC had a friend to sleepover last night. Woke up at 7am to find them and their friend not here. Extreme panic! Checked Life360 and they were in the park round the corner! Phoned and told them to come home immediately. They had Whatsapped at 6.30 saying they were bored and were going for a walk/to park.

Would you punish/revoke freedoms for a bit? Or is it a bit silly? Totally fine?

OP posts:
caringcarer · 07/07/2023 11:10

Nacknick · 07/07/2023 09:04

I would go absolutely ballistic and make it very clear that they shouldn’t leave the house without making sure I knew.

But then I am quite strict about things like that - especially when looking after someone else’s child.

This. What on earth possessed them to just go off without telling anyone where they were?

redskytwonight · 07/07/2023 11:12

caringcarer · 07/07/2023 11:10

This. What on earth possessed them to just go off without telling anyone where they were?

Show quote history

They left a message!!

MargaretThursday · 07/07/2023 11:13

I'd say: "Thanks for messaging me and letting me know where you were. I think 6:30's a little early to go out, maybe leave it another hour. Another time can you wake me up; I'd rather be woken for that sort of thing."

I think messaging shows that they were being thoughtful, in not waking you (so you're telling them that would be fine to wake you another time) but letting you know.
I think they sound fairly sensible.

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neveradullmoment99 · 07/07/2023 11:14

MrsMarzetti · 07/07/2023 10:34

Pretty sure most of us done this when we were young. I would remind them to wake me next time they wanted to go for a early morning walk.

Nope. I would have got into trouble.

neveradullmoment99 · 07/07/2023 11:15

It's also entirely possible they messaged you OP because you might have said no otherwise!

Perscriptionzzzzz · 07/07/2023 11:15

I would have a discussion with them. However, they are fine and they told you where they were going. This is the age where they start being more independent. Not a biggie imo

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/07/2023 11:16

Babyshadows · 07/07/2023 10:45

I think you are being way too harsh here. They have actually acted responsibility- they have just misjudged it.

From their perspective they have-
gone somewhere familiar with someone familiar
communicated their intention to a trusted and responsible adult
Been contactable and traceable by phone.

I have the same age child and I’d be explaining that I’d reacted in panic because it had scared me to wake up to an empty house, then I’d would speak to them about what your rules are surrounding going out. Mine would be that they are ok to go out but that it needs to be acknowledged by me (in message or if I don’t answer they need to actually speak to me).

Then I would take them into town as agreed, reminding them of where they can/ can’t go, prearranged pick up time (or we phone at a prearranged time and either sort out pick up or agree extension on time in town).

It’s a huge learning curve but I think going in heavy just makes sneaky children, and if you don’t generally have issues of this sort then I would be giving grace and asking them to do better next time!

This. When they wake up, give them some lunch and let them go into town if it isn’t too late. 12 year olds do really random things. It is the responsibility of a parent to guide them and explain why something they did wasn’t ok rather than punishing them for what they thought was working within the boundaries. This won’t be the last time your dd does something stupid without thinking it through.

Blinkblank · 07/07/2023 11:16

Leftphalange100 · 07/07/2023 09:08

I think it sounds like rather than misbehaving, they misunderstood the boundaries and thought it was fine as morning and they had text you.

I wouldn't punish. Would have a chat though about safety, and clear boundaries

This

TeenLifeMum · 07/07/2023 11:16

I would be having a very open and firm conversation explaining why it’s not okay. I’ve done this from a really early stage with my dc - dh and I always say where we’re going before heading out because it’s respectful and about safety, so we’ve set the tone that it’s not a child/adult rule it’s a household expectation.

i personally think punishments at this age are for behaviour you’ve warned against and they’ve deliberately chosen to ignore rather than an individual error of judgment as to where boundaries are.

Blinkblank · 07/07/2023 11:17

AlanJohnsonsBeemer · 07/07/2023 09:25

Really? 2 x 12 year old girls walking the streets pre 7am. I genuinely thought there would be concerns raised!

My sons left for school at 7.15 every morning! They went to senior school on the bus alone.

ididntwanttodoit · 07/07/2023 11:18

Treat it as a learning experience for both you and DC. Lay down some rules about telling you personally, not by text, if they are going out. It sounds as if they thought they were doing the right thing by telling you - by text- so I wouldn't go too batshit on them. At that age they are trying to claim some independence, and although it was early, at least it wasn't the middle of the night!

LoisPrice · 07/07/2023 11:19

Newusernamebecause · 07/07/2023 09:58

This is nuts. Calm down ffs 😂

Yeap

going to the park after messaging to say so and knowing parents have life 360 seems very ok, how much more control of your 12 year old do you want?

helpfulperson · 07/07/2023 11:21

If they had woken you and asked what would you have said? and at what age do you think they out to be able to make autonomous decisions about what to do and where to go without asking your permission if it doesn't involve you eg needing transport?

AP5Diva · 07/07/2023 11:21

I feel it’s a bit of an over reaction. It’s broad daylight at 5am. They sent you a message, so it’s a bit your fault for not checking your messages before panicking. If you prefer old style pen on paper or being woken up, tell them for next time but they didn’t do anything wrong.

They were perfectly safe and are at an age (12) to manage going to a park around the corner by themselves. Many children that age take the train to school every day and are fine. When I was 11 me and my friends were going all over London on the Tube.

I think taking away freedoms - cancelling their day in town is ridiculous.

Isittimetogohomeyet · 07/07/2023 11:28

Different circumstances I know but my 12 year old leaves the house everyday before 7 to get the bus so I really can't see the police interested. We're quite rural and the kids on her route are on the bus by 6.20.

loislovesstewie · 07/07/2023 11:28

Blimey! I see kids of that age wandering off to school at about 7 every morning. When do you think they should be OK going for a wander to the park? [ Both time of day and age].

CurlewKate · 07/07/2023 11:29

@AlanJohnsonsBeemer I just can't get this out of my head-imagining how they must have felt when they thought they'd done the right thing and it all went horrible wrong. Please tell me you let them go to town! Just so I can stop worrying about them....

GnomeDePlume · 07/07/2023 11:30

Mumtothreegirlies · 07/07/2023 10:09

I’d be like “wow you guys were up early” then I’d carry on with my day.
they Messaged you, it was daytime, it was the park it’s no big deal.
if you punish for tiny little things they’ll only come up with ways to lie to you and will never be able to tell you anything through fear of Punishment or you blowing your top.

This would have been my reaction.

Except that to me 6.30am is not especially early!

Original poster
AlanJohnsonsBeemer · 07/07/2023 11:37

They are fast asleep which tells me that going into a busy town centre on public transport wouldn’t have been a great idea after staying up all night, e.g. since 6.30am yesterday. I will assess the mood when they wake up.

DD also leaves for school by 7.40, but to me walking to school is very different to mucking about in a park nearly an hour earlier than that.

Some responses make me think that perhaps I am allowing this slight worry about the new friend to cloud my judgement somewhat.

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 07/07/2023 11:37

CurlewKate · 07/07/2023 11:29

@AlanJohnsonsBeemer I just can't get this out of my head-imagining how they must have felt when they thought they'd done the right thing and it all went horrible wrong. Please tell me you let them go to town! Just so I can stop worrying about them....

Don't be so fucking ridiculous.

Itistimeandiamscared · 07/07/2023 11:42

In my home, that's totally unacceptable behaviour.
I am really surprised some PP think that's okay behaviour.
Each to their own.

Redglitter · 07/07/2023 11:44

Maddy70 · 07/07/2023 10:46

It's too early to be out disturbing neighbours too so yes they should have been told off

How on earth were they disturbing the neighbours?? If they left so quietly that the OP never heard them they clearly weren't being noisy.

Kinneddar · 07/07/2023 11:46

Please tell me you let them go to town! Just so I can stop worrying about them

Fuck me do you always completely over react to something you read online. That must be exhausting

CurlewKate · 07/07/2023 11:49

@Kinneddar "Fuck me do you always completely over react to something you read online. That must be exhausting"

Well, you should know! 🤣

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 07/07/2023 11:51

I walk to work at 5.30 most mornings and it's surprisingly busy.....I wouldn't be happy about this but I wouldn't go batshit. I'd expect to be woken up if they do something like that again.

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