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Original poster

How would you react if your 12 year old did this?

171 replies

AlanJohnsonsBeemer · 07/07/2023 09:00

INSET day here today so DC had a friend to sleepover last night. Woke up at 7am to find them and their friend not here. Extreme panic! Checked Life360 and they were in the park round the corner! Phoned and told them to come home immediately. They had Whatsapped at 6.30 saying they were bored and were going for a walk/to park.

Would you punish/revoke freedoms for a bit? Or is it a bit silly? Totally fine?

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 07/07/2023 09:51

I don't think they should have gone out at 6.30 having only notified you by WhatsApp and personally I wouldn't want to be woken till 7 am. The worry is that next time they think it's OK to go out earlier or in the night, kids always push the boundaries. Different if they had prearranged it with you. I wouldn't go ballistic but I would establish some ground rules about leaving the house in the morning that work for you.

Atikka · 07/07/2023 09:52

I'm concerned that you think her parents don't know where you live... you're caring for her child overnight...and they don't have your contact details? That's a big safeguarding concern from me. Not that you're dodgy but a lack of care from her parents.

oakleaffy · 07/07/2023 09:54

Leftphalange100 · 07/07/2023 09:08

I think it sounds like rather than misbehaving, they misunderstood the boundaries and thought it was fine as morning and they had text you.

I wouldn't punish. Would have a chat though about safety, and clear boundaries

They messaged you, @AlanJohnsonsBeemer

A talk about safety is in order.

Unlikely any dodgy 'Marauders' would be out that early, but I understand your concern.

Don't ground them as they did let you know.

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Mumsanetta · 07/07/2023 09:54

My initial reaction would be nuclear from worry but after calming down I still wouldn’t be happy with a child leaving the house whilst the parent is asleep. It may be light outside but 7am is early enough for unsavoury characters to still be hanging around in parks and given the lack of people about it generally isn’t safe. Assuming this isn’t typical behaviour from your child I would also be wary of the friend’s influence.

Atikka · 07/07/2023 09:54

Playing devils advocate you could be dodgy, no one knows...hence huuuuuge safeguarding concern.

badluckorbadvibes · 07/07/2023 09:55

I wouldn't punish mine unless I had explicitly told them not to leave the house before a certain time. It sounds like they just didn't think it through and even if they did would be unlikely to reach the conclusion that it was not ok to do. They are 12, they don't think like you as the parent.

Also the police thing? I think you should apologise to them for saying something so bloody stupid.

Original poster
AlanJohnsonsBeemer · 07/07/2023 09:57

Agree about friends safeguarding, perhaps they know where we live, perhaps they have my number. I know where friend lives and have a phone number (after requesting it). But we really could be anyone!

My concern is keeping DD safe, so friend welcome here where I can (I thought until 7am) know what they are up to.

OP posts:
ArthurPoppy · 07/07/2023 09:57

Depends where you live, how safe the area is. Regardless I would create some rules around talking to me before going out while not disturbing me before 7

Newusernamebecause · 07/07/2023 09:58

This is nuts. Calm down ffs 😂

nokidshere · 07/07/2023 09:58

Mine would have got a stern talking too about leaving the house without having a face to face conversation first. And it wouldn't matter what time it was, if a child is leaving the house they ask/tell first.

Lindy2 · 07/07/2023 10:01

I'd explain that 6.30am is too early for leaving the house. Set a future time like 8am and say they have to speak to you first rather than just WhatsApp.

It's summer time though so it's fully daylight at 6 30am, they messaged you (presumably not wanting to wake you up), they had their phone and tracker on, they only went to the park, which was probably busy with dog walkers etc in it.

It sounds like a little bit of an adventure where they pushed the boundaries a bit. No need to be over dramatic.

Out at 1am and trying to get into a club - for that I'd go ballistic. Not this.

JulieHoney · 07/07/2023 10:01

Total overreaction from you, OP. As if the police would pick them up!

They were awake early, they messaged you to tell you where they were, you can see where they are on an app.

It’s fine to clarify boundaries, eg “no going out before 7:30”. But it’s light at 4am, they’d have the park to themselves at 6:30, I can see the appeal to awake and bored 12 year olds.

Forbidding them from going into town is daft and punitive.

itsmylife7 · 07/07/2023 10:03

OP are you saying the friend who's stayed at your house you've had no contact with her parents ?

She's just turned up and said it's OK for her to stay over ?

Fraaahnces · 07/07/2023 10:06

I would give them both the rounds of the kitchen for that one. I would also explain that young ladies their age are especially vulnerable to predators and you don’t think they have the life-skills to realise just how vulnerable they are.

Velvetbee · 07/07/2023 10:07

I guess it depends where you live, it would be fine in my house. We tend to communicate by notes on the worktop so as long as they’d told me in some form I wouldn’t go batshit.

INeedAnotherName · 07/07/2023 10:08

I would have gone batshit at them. It's a safety thing. There are less people around at that time for a start. The news seems to be full of horrendous violent acts atm, more than usual.

However my first thought would have been what you would have done in a fire. You wouldn't have checked 360, or WhatsApp. You would have put yourself, and any firemen, in physical danger. And that is NOT okay.

Im also very surprised you do not know or seen this friends parents. Surely that is a bare minimum for a sleepover?

NosyJosie · 07/07/2023 10:09

Observations:

  1. if my 12 year old was on a sleepover, I’d have met the parents or spoken to them and agreed plans. There is nothing I hate more than a child that comes to my house and doesn’t know when they need to be back. You need to set the tone of the other parent doesn’t.
  2. if I woke up early and checked and saw they were in the park, I’d be calling and checking in and if my child was the one on a sleepover I’d be making “plans for the day” and collecting them by 10am.
  3. ypu can’t ground another child but you can have a quiet word with your own and send the other child home.
  4. 12 year olds are absolutely getting high or drunk all around the country. Mainly vaping but also more serious things.. Year 8 and 9 are when you need to be on it like a bonnet.
  5. now is the time to get to know the parents of your child’s friends or at least have their contact details.
  6. you can do all this without being “cringe”
  7. teach your child that trust is earned
  8. It sounds like they had a brilliant sleepover
Mumtothreegirlies · 07/07/2023 10:09

I’d be like “wow you guys were up early” then I’d carry on with my day.
they Messaged you, it was daytime, it was the park it’s no big deal.
if you punish for tiny little things they’ll only come up with ways to lie to you and will never be able to tell you anything through fear of Punishment or you blowing your top.

cyncope · 07/07/2023 10:10

To be fair, once at secondary school I don't know any of my kid's friends' parents.

thenewera · 07/07/2023 10:12

I think they should have told you but round here the streets are pretty full of secondary school kids going to school at 7am, people going to work, parks are full of people exercising etc. completely different from wandering the streets at 3am.

CurlewKate · 07/07/2023 10:16

They told you where they were going. Unless you live in downtown Beirut I don't see the problem.

CurlewKate · 07/07/2023 10:18

Please unrevoke the privileges! They are in secondary school!

redskytwonight · 07/07/2023 10:19

This would be fine in my house too. They left you a message saying where they'd gone and 6.30am isn't stupidly early half the children on MN seem to leave to go to school then DD took her phone so you could contact her.

What element of it were you unhappy with?

Rosecoffeecup · 07/07/2023 10:19

AlanJohnsonsBeemer · 07/07/2023 09:25

Really? 2 x 12 year old girls walking the streets pre 7am. I genuinely thought there would be concerns raised!

There'll be kids of this age doing long journeys to school not long after 7am...I don't think anyone would bat an eyelid, nevermind the police

Jongleterre · 07/07/2023 10:21

I would just say that in future could they actually get the ok from me in person rather than sending a message that I might not see for some time.

Saying that though, I would have been awake at that time.