I've just been told that I smell. How do I cope with the shame? How do I retrieve my dignity?

[MalodorousAndMortified]

She told me that I sometimes smell, as in sweaty and farty. She really is the kindest woman imaginable, and she absolutely could not have been more discrete or sympathetic in the manner in which she explained this to me. But she is also the wife of the minister as my church, and so was likely telling me what a number of people were thinking but didn't dare say.

I'm heading into menopause and have another few health issues which might account for the smell, and I'm prepared to acknowledge that I got out of the habit of wearing deodorant whilst Shielding and WFH during lockdown. But I just feel now such a sense of crushingly mortifying shame that I don't know how to move on from. I can't disappear from the church because my whole family is there, but if it was up to me I would never set foot in the place again. Aside from always making sure I am scrupulously and meticulously clean and hygienic every time I leave the house, like, how do I move on from this? How do I retrieve or regain my dignity?

Try to reframe your thinking on this. Instead of feeling ashamed and wanting to run away and cry, tell yourself: I had a problem. Someone cared enough about me to tell me. I have responded to this incredibly. I've sought advice online and I've acted on that advice. I will now go to church confident that my clothes are clean and fresh, my hair and body are freshly washed and my breath is clean too.

You could give yourself a plan to find the woman who told you and say, 'Thank you for being brave enough to raise that sensitive topic with me. Do you think this is better? If I keep up this level of hygiene, will the problem be solved?'

Then you can go and enjoy the service and focus on it, knowing that you have solved a pretty big issue quickly and effectively.

No one is perfect. Everyone lets something in life slide at some point. The important thing is to get back on track. Someone cared enough about you and your social impact to tell you. You can be proud of how this has worked out.

Yep you carry on. Hopefully people will notice an improvement and the fact that you've taken on board what that lady said and handled it well will speak volumes about your character.

Lots of people have posted suggestions for how to approach this - mentally and in your behaviour. Have another read through and pick out the ones that appeal to you, that you can relate to.

@SoWhatEh has put it so beautifully and eloquently, I’m sure that’s exactly how the person who told you would want you to feel. Please try not to focus on this as a negative, (I know that’s easy for me to say! And it is hard) there are truly positives from the situation and I hope you can come to see them. Thinking of you and wishing you the courage to attend church with confidence, knowing mumsnetters are cheering you on x

Remember there is so much more to you than this issue. As others have said, someone cares about you if they have raised this. It's not an easy thing to do so she must care about you a great deal.

Please try not to put off going back to church. If you leave it too long it will only get harder. Make sure you have a topic of conversation ready so you don't have to stand in awkward silence when you chat to people.

As hard as it is, try and put it out of your mind while you are there. Remind yourself that you have taken what she said on board, that is incredibly hard too and you are really brave to post about it and ask for help. Walk in with your head held high. Force yourself to be as much your normal self as you can and I'm sure once you've been back once, it will feel a whole lot easier.

Can I add to some of the hygiene advice given by other posters who are mentioning deodorant - it's important that you get antiperspirant rather than just deodorant as deodorant alone won't stop sweating. Washing with soap is better than shower gel too .

I am pretty sure that the lady who told you wouldn't want you to be feeling embarrassed or mortified and that she just wanted ti be helpful .

I have zapped to the end so this may have already been mentioned.
Go and find some Dricor roll on in Boots, and follow the instructions I still wear a deodorant but it stops excess sweating

I find scent really interesting! Apparently, a lot of it is to do with hormones and other elusive body stuff. So someone could smell vile to you, but divine to someone else.
There was a man at uni who everyone fancied, and I thought he stank. The worst smelling human ever. No one else could smell it! We lived in halls and he was always clean, so nothing to do with hygiene.
My husband thinks he smells sweaty at times, but to me he smells amazing.
You really might not smell. You might just be sexually incompatible with the church lady.

You should smile, and smile and smile. It will be old news by now.

@PeaceGoodMercutio love your post. Esp the last sentence, it's so true

perfect x

Doesn’t sound like it was said in a nasty way,
she sounds kind,
id want to know if it was me,
take the steps to smell fresh again and buy your friend some flowers to say thank you

I think she was very nice person and kind to tell you the fact. And I really don't think people care as much, as long as you don't smell anymore.
I've encountered so many people who stunk over the years. Do I think anything less of them? No. Some people have bo, maybe because of illness or just life. As long as you take care of it, people just forget about it. No dignity lost over something like that.

I had a friend in a similar situation as you. I was the friend to tell her. Everyone was talking about it and I couldn’t bear it anymore so I was kind as I could be and told her. She worked with animals so that didn’t help either.
in her situation her whole house was dirty / nasty dog smells.
I helped her deep clean her whole house and have her cleaning tips along the way. I think mrs hinch is a good place to start with tips.
she never dried clothes outside and her washing machine smelt too so we got some washing machine cleaner and gave it 3 blasts and cleaned the seal where black grime was trapped.
we did a basic house cleaning rota.
personal hygiene we made a rota sort of as follows:
morning and night brush teeth.
take any makeup off before bed with a wipe. One shower at least every 24-48 hours.
wash hair twice a week.
roll on deodorant after every shower and aerosol deodorant 2-3 times a day.

I am a naturally sweaty smelly person with Chrones. I wear sanitary pads in case of accidents and always have an antibacterial spray deodorant in my bag and baby wipes. I have been told o smell sweaty before and there is nothing more I can do - house is clean and I wear the right deodorants. My fresh sweat smells after an hour!

i wish you the best of luck and think you should have a mini makeover as others have said. You are doing the right thing by asking for help on here and you are doing something about it. I can imagine you are dying of shame and I really feel for you. In this sort of situation show them your strength and bounce back ability. You can do this! Xxx

I can understand that you’re embarrassed, but the lady really cares about you. I have a friend who suffered from the same problem, I was a coward and never said anything, but a lady who she worked with told her very tactfully that she had a problem. She was also mortified at the time, but now years later she’s very grateful to her. There’s really no shame it could happen to anyone. Go to work with your head held high and just be yourself. You will be fine. X

I had to tell one of my staff at work as all the customers who came to the shop were commenting and telling me the Manager how awful she smelt.I had hinted and given her advice but she totally ignored me,so I had to be a lot firmer,it was awful but it couldn’t carry on.

Do nothing. Hold your head up and carry on. People will possibly be pleased to notice you smell better and will get on with their days. They won't be thinking about your odour beyond that!

OP did this ministers wife actually say you smell farty?

Why the cursing? She is already feeling devastated. Wind your neck in.

My mum is scrupulously clean, but he'd house is damp so she always smells musty and if I have any clothes etc that have been in her house for a while I sometimes have to wash them 3 or 4 times before I can no longer smell it, could it be that rather than you personally?

My husband has had have that conversation with 2 of his employees.

I wanted to die of second hand embarrassment, just thinking about it. But he wasn't embarrassed at all. Just very matter of fact about it.

My husband explained to the chap that he needed to make sure that he washed his clothes properly and to wear a clean t shirt everyday.

Everything was fine and dandy after that.

Don't feel ashamed just be grateful that someone cares enough about you to actually be brave enough to say it and move on. Positive thoughts and actions won't go unnoticed. Don't worry.

Sometimes it’s unwashed hair that smells. Sometimes it’s clothes that have become smelly. Old coats. Smelly shoes. It’s not necessarily your body now but the scent in your used things.

my friend used to never air her room and we had to tell her it smelt. Which it truly did.

My DH’s shirts stink because he doesn’t use deodorant and washing them doesn’t get it out. Plenty of people smell!

I wonder if it's a combination of things. Do you wash your clothes at low temperatures?
My advice would be. Wash all your clothes either at 60 (as a one off) with bio washing liquid or buy halo sports wash and wash them all at 40. Bacteria builds up in clothes which you don't realise until someone else smells it once you are wearing it.
Have a daily shower and used anti perspirant deodorant.
Brush 2x per day.
Also carry those disposable toilet wipes with you, they get you much cleaner after going to the toilet.
Please don't let the comments stop you from going to church, I'd imagine this person told you to try and stop it before others noticed. Xx

This happened to someone I know. They were told by their boss. So he googled the best deodorant and bought it online and it worked. That and wearing breathable clothes as much as possible and keeping his office well ventilated.
However you must be mortified, but as the days go on the shame will lessen. And if the person who told u is as nice as you say then she won’t repeat your conversation. X