I've just been told that I smell. How do I cope with the shame? How do I retrieve my dignity?

[MalodorousAndMortified]

She told me that I sometimes smell, as in sweaty and farty. She really is the kindest woman imaginable, and she absolutely could not have been more discrete or sympathetic in the manner in which she explained this to me. But she is also the wife of the minister as my church, and so was likely telling me what a number of people were thinking but didn't dare say.

I'm heading into menopause and have another few health issues which might account for the smell, and I'm prepared to acknowledge that I got out of the habit of wearing deodorant whilst Shielding and WFH during lockdown. But I just feel now such a sense of crushingly mortifying shame that I don't know how to move on from. I can't disappear from the church because my whole family is there, but if it was up to me I would never set foot in the place again. Aside from always making sure I am scrupulously and meticulously clean and hygienic every time I leave the house, like, how do I move on from this? How do I retrieve or regain my dignity?

Op, don't worry about what other people may, or may not, think. You are aware now and I'm sure you will get this issue sorted. If anyone does notice that you no longer have an odour problem, all they will be is pleased for you.

My only word of caution is about your clothing. I know lots of posters have advised to use a bio liquid or powder to remove the B.O. smell, but honestly, especially with certain fabrics, the smell is permanent and it's not coming out. There may be some items you'll have to dispose of.

Please make sure you go over your clothing as well. Your bedding, bath towels, furniture can also transfer odors. Have you asked family if they notice the change?

There are some genetic diseases that make people smell quite strongly and it is harder to treat but if this is something temporary it can be resolved with some hygiene issues.

One thing people don't realize is that armpit and downstairs hair keeps smell so removing that may help as well. You may also want to skip synthetic clothes which smell the minute you start sweating. Frequent washing (at least once daily shower) should also help. Washing up after you poop (if that is an issue) may help as well.

No need to be ashamed - you've made a mistake didn't realize and now you are warned - move forward - we all stumble.

Some synthetic fabrics don't smell when you put them on but start to whiff when they warm up, on the body. You can't get rid of that smell (maybe dry cleaning if really precious?) so they just have to go.

Merino and other wool is marvelous for not being stinky.

In summer, soap and go sleeveless and wear antiperspirant.

And I don't know any man who shaves. I think it looks weird to be hairy everywhere and then shaved pubes or armpits 😂

Mitchum is absolutely brilliant and a must for the hormonal . I do think people smell differently at different stages of life . Get any medical treatment required and obviously frequently change your clothes. Power on with your head held high .

Unless you are careless about wiping your butt the farty smell is coming from you frequently breaking wind. This could be due to a number of reasons speaking to a doctor would be a good idea

Dettol Laundry Cleanser is a game changer for clothes that have ingrained smells in that that only every come up again when your warm body re-ignites the smell. I was going to throw away all my work out gear as it smelt after washing when I started exercising again but I was told about Dettol Laundry cleanser and managed to save all my workout tops and bras after one wash - just a cap ful in every wash - sorted!

White vinegar does the same job and bicarb can get rid of any yellowing stains on white clothes or any white tide marks on black clothes - manual labour husband suffers with all his work clothes even though he washes daily and uses deodorant daily.

This too shall pass, OP. It feels raw now but once you're on top of it there will be no need to look back.

I'd echo others: if you haven't been wearing deodorant for 2/3 years, your clothes are likely ruined. If you can afford to get some key basics, start afresh.

And don't be hard on yourself! You're human. Speak to yourself like you're your best friend. Good luck

Thank you to everyone who has been kind or offered advice. I will take that advice.

A few people speculated that I might be ND. I am, yes: whereas personal hygiene comes naturally to most people, it doesn't for me. It's a constant battle. I also have IBS, as some also asked.

op

Well done one coming back and reading it all and taking it all in.

Being ND adds a layer of extra thought and it might be useful for you to set up a schedule of what you need to do and how often. A Trusted friend of family member could help you sort through clothes and get you started.

Beat of luck to you.

I use to smell a lot, left a college course because of it :( I was just SO smelly, it disgusted myself.

Ive gotten a bit better now but i have to do a LOT more than anyone else to stay clean,

I shower every morning and scrub with a soap bar and make sure im fully shaved everywhere (annoyingly) I also make sure i scrub literally everywhere, arms legs feet, private areas and bum every inch. I then fully dry and instantly use a deodrant roll on AND a spray, If i wash my hair then i make sure to fully dry it so it doesnt smell musty. I then wipe my privates with vaginal wet wipes every couple of hours and use panty liners that i replace every toilet use.

I also wet wipe my underarms every1 - 3 hours as needed and reapply my deodrant.

I Also wash my bedding every 3 days and wash my hair thoroughly every 3-4 days.

It has got a lot better since.

I also think how much water you drink affects sweat smell. Ie if you drink lots it's less pungent. Can anyone verify if I'm talking rubbish?!

Also ,if it was said kindly, then take it in the manner it was given, she is trying to help you. No advice other than that from me.

This should not be necessary, have you been to the doctor?

@MalodorousAndMortified can I recommend detol soap for pits and crevices. It really helps me continue to smell fresh all day.

Regular soap will do juts fine of course but I do find particularly in summer detol soap is just that little bit better

Wash your clothes at 60°. My husband is a builder, so often comes home very sweaty.

On the odd occasion where I thought I could get away with washing them at 40°...they still stink to high heaven.
Sometimes i use a bar of Vanish on the armpits, and then he's grand.

Best of luck, OP - you'll be grand, too.

The OP doesn't want to try to embarrass the lady who had the chat with her!

The OP telling her that she does, in fact, have an underlying cause, isn't some kind of gotcha. 🙄

Where have you got that idea from??

Due to incontinence - more so at night, I really make sure I wash myself well in the morning. I have to use pants and pads night and day. When at work I take those wet toilet tissues into the loo with me (I chuck, not flush!). Also really good if I do a poo. I change pants and pads regularly. My urine is very strong. Always has been.

I always use an anti perspirant. I have a body spray at work (Sarah Jessica Parker's Lovely), I also have a smashing French Eau de Cologne with geranium and rose in it but any Eau de Cologne will do for a refreshing splash.

As for the farty business could it be your diet? I think we get more farty as we get older but maybe check if you eat quite a spicy diet (i would be devasted if I had to cut back! Cut down on onions/garlic or check with GP.

If you are in the habit of wearing the same cardigan or jacket every day , check if that is smelly. Wash it and don't hang it in the wardrobe as soon as you get home, but let the air get to it (I remember reading about someone who wore the same clothes all the time and put them straight in the wardrobe when she got home. That is why she smelt!)

I wear clean clothes everyday except if I am not going anywhere at the weekend, then I rend to wear the same t shirt and jeans as the day before. I try to wear a different bra everyday because I am relying on those over the head stretchy nylon ones and they get smelly around the under bust area.

Where I get sweaty under the bust and by the groin area I use Cuticura medicated talc (superdrug did a medicated one not sure if they still do) or use their family talc, or baby talc or Imperial leather talc or those lovely Yardley floral talcs and as I said before a good splash/spray of body mist/Eau do cologne.

One thing not to do is use baby powder without anti perspirant. I smell that all the time at work and on the bus (not me honest!) It reeks!

Do you honestly think that the OP simply burying her head in the sand, and acting out a little scenario in her head, is helpful?

She needs to be proactive.

My body odour definitely changed as soon as my hormone levels went wobbly with peri menopause. At times I smelled almost like damp rotten cheese mold and it freaked me out big time. But I started HRT andit just stopped. I found that soap in a bar works better than shower fell. Mitchum roll on is better than anything else but you need to wash/shower daily and really scrub with soap and a puff/sponge to remove residue etc.

Well done OP for taking time to read the advice given.

I had an ex who didn't smell ever, despite being a chef and being sweaty all day.
Used to tell him he didn't realise how lucky he is.
I also got smelly post 40, never had issues before.
Deodorant would last me all day with no top ups, yet now, I can't even walk to work as any bit of perspiration leads me to smell.
Another mistake people make is to reapply deo on armpits without wet wiping the old one off first.

Can't believe the people saying to ignore it, they've clearly never had to deal with it.
It takes a lot to tell someone they smell or has bad breath.
Ignoring it doesn't help anyone.

@MalodorousAndMortified have you heard of RSD? Rejection sensitive dysphoria? You mentioned that you were ND and I wondered if some of this was kicking in too? Sometimes my ND sun needs to have things clearly spelt out for him in a very neutral way to do with hygiene and he finds it excruciatingly embarrassing. I wouldn't mind betting that the lady's kindness and sympathy made the whole thing even more full of anxiety for you.

The good news is that it's fixable. Do look into buying new clothes if you can as smells often become saturated in clothes.

Bless you OP, I can only imagine the mortification but you know now and can do something about it which is a really positive thing! Since having my DS 18 months ago I absolutely stink - I can only put it down to my hormones because I shower every day. I've tried a fair few different anti perspirants, even the Uber strong overnight ones. I shave my arm pits, use an exfoliating mitt, all sorts but some days I still smell which is so frustrating! I've recently started using this and already seen a big improvement so it could be worth a try if some of the excellent suggestions here don't work for you either. Good luck!

Again, thanks to everyone. I have implemented many of the suggestions offered. But I now wonder, what and where and how do I proceed from here? Bearing in mind that I'm autistic and socially terrible with people anyway, what do I do about being in public and being in church? All I want to do is to hide away and cry.

I would just carry on as you have been, no need to act any differently