I've just been told that I smell. How do I cope with the shame? How do I retrieve my dignity?

[MalodorousAndMortified]

She told me that I sometimes smell, as in sweaty and farty. She really is the kindest woman imaginable, and she absolutely could not have been more discrete or sympathetic in the manner in which she explained this to me. But she is also the wife of the minister as my church, and so was likely telling me what a number of people were thinking but didn't dare say.

I'm heading into menopause and have another few health issues which might account for the smell, and I'm prepared to acknowledge that I got out of the habit of wearing deodorant whilst Shielding and WFH during lockdown. But I just feel now such a sense of crushingly mortifying shame that I don't know how to move on from. I can't disappear from the church because my whole family is there, but if it was up to me I would never set foot in the place again. Aside from always making sure I am scrupulously and meticulously clean and hygienic every time I leave the house, like, how do I move on from this? How do I retrieve or regain my dignity?

She told me that I sometimes smell, as in sweaty and farty
Farty?

Wash your clothes with an anti bacterial detergent or add some oxygen bleech with your washing to kill smells. Clean clothes every day.

Drink lots of water.

Shaving armpits & using deodorant makes a huge difference with me. I also use bar soap instead of showergel and a washcloth with it, feel much cleaner that way.

Last but not least look into persimmon bar soap. This has been used in Asian countries for centuries to kill so called ‘aging odor’ and it kills other bad smells too. It’s a really good product and it worked for me. The brand doesn’t matter. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Japanese-Kakishibu-Antibacterial-Prevents-Perspiration/dp/B075NDLBYR/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=38GX73NRWR125&keywords=persimmon+soap+bar&qid=1688600951&sprefix=persimmon+%2Caps%2C295&sr=8-1

use this with a wash cloth and it will last longer

It's gross. End of. I will not reply to you again.

Look up how people with Autism can struggle with hygiene.

Now that you know, discuss it with your kids.
They will be honest and help you choose the right washing powder, deodorant and shower gel. Sometimes hairy armpits hold a normal but stronger smell. Also your kids will tell you if your breath indicates a dental check up is necessary. They will be like super sleuths for you.

It is embarrassing but not a real problem in many parts of the world except first world countries. We are so used to super clean and fragrant people and water that we notice normal human smells quickly. We also are used to hairless legs, armpits etc and when the odd hair appears on our chin we freak out!

You just have to work out some practical solutions, build a bridge in your mind and get over it. Thank the person who told you and be sure you remind her when a hair appears on her chin.

Whilst at school, a teacher took me to one side and told me that I smelled. I was so upset and have never forgotten the feelings of shame and embarrassment. You have received some good advice, especially about using soap instead of shower gel. I would also recommend rinsing clothes out in vinegar (they won't smell vinegary when dried) and use men's deodorant/antiperspirant, it works much better than the stuff aimed at women. Sure black and white for men is good, I use the roll on, you just have to make sure it dries before you get dressed, I lift my arms away from my body for about a minute. If you use flannels change them frequently and bung them in with the rest of your laundry.
That said, we all get a bit whiffy at times. Sometimes if I have been sweating a lot or doing a workout I can smell myself at even if I have done all of the above. I'm sure this lady spoke to you with the best of intentions and unless she is a horrible cow would have found it a difficult subject to broach with you.

There's a terrific brand called Lume. I bought it for my preteen son, who was starting to honk. He used the body wash daily and it's definitely improved.

https://lumedeodorant.com/

They have deodorant, body wash, etc. Works wonders.

I would also add, let your bed air out for a couple of hours after getting up and make a habit of taking a pack of moist toilet tissue wipes with you, think Andrex washlets type of thing, most supermarkets do their own. They are handy when out and about for a freshen up if needed. Good for eye make up removal as well. I also find if I consume a lot of protein shakes then I tend to develop Satan's sphincter, I've stopped those now much to DH's relief.

I do feel for you and you must be imagining people judging you but it's more likely they've noticed a change in you and are concerned.
Do you live alone? I was told my house smelt of cats once but I'd become acclimatised or 'nose blind'. I was embarrassed but grateful for the nudge. I soon got passed it.
I also had a friend who was menopausal (didnt know at the time) and had repeated thrush and BV infections. One day I asked her if she had a current infection and she was horrified when I said I could smell her. She thanked me for telling her though and soon got things sorted.
This really will be yesterday's news soon. I'd like to think your church will be kind and compassionate and just pleased the issue is resolved. Be brave, these people are your family.

My husband has a medical condition that can cause him to become quite fragrant especially as he has a very labour intensive job.

His routine is to wear clothes only once and to include zoflora in the fabric softener section. This works really well on stinky gym clothes that need a cold wash.

Deodorant after a shower and before bed. Dermatologists reckon that antiperspirant does it's job better when you're not sweating as much. He then showers again in the morning applying a roll on antiperspirant then a spray deodorant to combat smells.

Double cleans pits and bits. First cleanse removes old deodorant second actually cleans.

Certain materials make it worse as well.

Husband used to honk as a child, young adult and no one stopped liking him, remembered him as the stinky person etc.

It feels shit now and you'll worry that you stink for ages but it will be okay in the end.

Having worked with fragrant people who then became less fragrant, I was firstly pleased I didn't have to smell them any more than glad whatever caused them to get in that state had been resolved. Mental health, poverty, illness etc can all lead to stinks and none of them are nice for the person who experiences them.

My sister did the same thing as you over lockdown. Lots of people did. I brought her a nice bath set for when I told her so she could 'fix' the issue. Apparently, we become nose blind to out own smells after a bit. Human bodies are interesting things.

You've got this!

I had to tell my friend at work years ago

Everyone kept saying how much she smelled and her BO was quite bad

I was asked to tell her because she was my friend and highly strung so would have got really upset

Somehow I found the right words and she never came into work smelling again and we remained friends

A friend and I have a pact that if we start to smell that we we tell each other. OP, have you got a friend/family member that you could do that with?

Some of this advice is weird.

Wearing trousers for FOUR DAYS is not okay.

Mitchum is good though. And I use Dettol soap which smells nice and clean.

Just turn over a new leaf OP. Mitchum, a fresh smelling body spray, fabric softener, perfume. Nuke your fragrance from orbit. People will soon forget. Maybe speak to a doctor if you have fart issues, or follow PP's suggestions.

See it like you would any other 'sin' if you have a Christian framework of sin. It's a really easy issue to sort out immediately (and to start work on the fart thing.) I wish most of my sins were that easy to sort.

I had this issue from exercising for a bit before I bought more products.

Try not to take it personally.
Been there and it was in a new job to boot.
Didn't know the dynamics so couldn't tell if the person who told me told everyone else, if she was the messenger after all of them discussing it or if she was being catty in the way she said it.
Turns out she was right anyway. Clearly my body was going through changes, but because it's gradual, we don't normally notice it on ourselves.
Thank her, make some changes and ask her of it has helped.
Use her to your advantage and laugh about it. Better to be told and change than be the last to know.

Sorry if I'm repeatedly posting after wine lol.

I'm 46 and definitely feeling the heat more/ getting hotter this year.

IDK if it counts as hot flushes but it is unpleasant.

You have lots of suggestions here OP- go forth and conquer.

This thread could get really obsessive if someone followed every suggestion 😁

If you have IBS there's underwear for it now, to catch the smell.

Sounds like she told you nicely

If you have not been wearing deodorant for the last 2/3yrs you must releise that you must have smelt bad

As someone said above - wear and sniff clothes to see if clothes - wash all clothes and start using deodorant

It is a hard thing to tell someone you know /like that they smell but she had to tell you

Now you know , you can do something about it

Lots of people do smell, we're all human and it's not a big deal if you now know about it and freshen up. No one else will think it's a big deal and will forget about it quickly once to start wearing deodorant.

I had the unfortunate job of telling a very good friend they could do with a shower more often and they still don't seem bothered...

This is why Japanese toilets are the dogs' bollocks. The bees' knees. They are awesome.

When she says “farty” (are you sure she even said this???) are you keep your nether regions clean? Are you having any issues there? We had a visitor once, a middle aged man, who was very odorous from that region. We couldn’t get the smell out of the dining chair!

After going to the bathroom, get a handheld shower and make sure you are thoroughly clean and dry. Use a soaped up flannel on your underarms and feet.

As for returning to church, I’d personally refrain as I’d be too embarrassed but that’s me. Would be looking for a new church.

I enjoyed a Toto Washlet on vacation last year. Incredible!