How do you justify treating yourself above saving for children?

[brimfulofsmashaonthe45ish]

Hi,

This is not a stealth boast - I'm trying to readjust my mindset as this is causing marital tension

We have two young children - toddler and 8 year old

We live in an affordable forever home. 5 bed, good area - can easily meet mortgage, eat and pay our bills without a second thought. DH and I are both quite senior Civil Servants - our employment is secure, pensions taken care of etc.

We have considerable savings for our two children. Our home is worth £350k, we have another property worth £250k and £150k in savings to be left to them

We drive normal cars. Nothing flash. VW Passat and an Audi A3. Both around 5 years old.

I'm happy enough. I don't need a flash car. My husband is getting to the stage where he thinks we should have a nice Merc or BMW. Or we should take the children to Florida for a £10k holiday. Or basically that we work hard and it would be nice to have something to enjoy.

I see his point. I've never wanted to be the goose that sits on the golden egg, but seems I've turned into one.

Every purchase I make, I now feel guilty as I could have saved that money for my children. Ffs. This started with "big purchases" and has now filtered down to me box dying my hair as opposed to spending £100 in the salon. I love that I can put £80 into their savings. But ultimately I know there has to be a happy medium.

I do happily spend money on my children, it's myself that I cannot justify.

Appreciate this post doesn't read well and I don't mean to offend, I'm just trying to see how others live more in the moment.

I have zero interest in cars, but if you have the money for amazing holidays, experiences etc, then I'd be doing that as a family. You'll never get this time together again. I've never been given money my parents saved for me and I'm very happy and financially comfortable.

What are you saving for though? There surely has to be a happy medium, they don't care about the money in the bank.

It’s great you’ve saved for them. But don’t you also want them to have memories of special times with you, not just a pile of cash?

We went to Florida a few times as kids and I have great memories. My dad died in his 50s, he didn’t get to spend any time with his grandkids but when I take them back there I’ll be able to tell them about the rides he hated, the time he got us all lost etc. And it doesn’t have to be big holidays, a cheap week in Spain playing on the beach, staying up late, eating too much ice cream…. I think there needs to be a balance.

I think a lot of parents feel guilty spending on themselves. If you’re happy with box dye that’s fine (I hate sitting in the hairdressers!) but find something you do enjoy, lunch out with friends, gym membership and maybe the guilt of treating yourself will be a bit less!

In my circle, the people who had everything handed to them as young adults have had a bumpier ride in work progression, money management and general happiness a lot of the time.

Delayed gratification and working to earn something is underrated as a factor in happiness in my opinion. So giving children more experiences now rather than a stack of cash may well be the kinder thing to do.

This.

Florida is a good idea if children are old enough to remember but an expensive car isn't worth it.
I think it depends on what the treat is and whether it would indirectly benefit the whole family for example, if something will make me more body confident to enjoy outdoors with my children or something means I spend less time on make up or my hair so I have more time with my children on a day to day basis then it's worth it but if it's just purely for me then I look at it as my own money from the budget.

Agree that when children have a financial cushion, experiences matter more than yet more money in the bank.

As they will not go without, spending some money on yourself also teaches them that you, a wife, mother and woman, are worth treats.

The way I’d look at it is this. When your children are adults and have families of their own, would you want to see them never enjoying life as they want to save everything for their own kids? Where does it end? No one ever doing anything to pass down the max amount. They already have a better start than most. You are allowed to do things for you too.

It's about balance, isn't it? And priorities. I could never spend a huge amount on a car when I can get a perfectly good one half that price. I just don't see the value in it.

I get Universal Credit so I'm not allowed to have more than £6k in savings or they start reducing it. I need that UC to live on. That's how I justify it.

I will probably have a small inheritance from my mum, but it's funds that have arrived with her later in life. My childhood was quite poor financially, however I had a very happy upbringing and it's the memories of shared times and family fun that are important. When your no longer with them do you think your children will think ' I wish we'd had less holidays so I had more inheritance' or do you think they'd rather remember the amazing experiences and fun that you had as a family. You obviously work very hard and have substantial funds to secure your childrens future, you deserve to enjoy some of that yourself x

My grandad used to talk a lot of nonsense but one of the better things he said was ‘there’s no point being the richest man in the graveyard’. Life is for living so if there’s something you want to do that costs money, go for it if it makes life good/better for you. No one knows what’s round the corner.

Strike a happy medium. Look at your outgoings and what you have left at the end of the month.
Set some aside for saving, the rest for spending.
We put £100 per months in our children's bank accounts. If we started feeling the pinch/it meant we were going without doing things as a family, we would reassess how much we put in every month.

At this point, the more you save for them the more that the tax man will get. What is your aim for the savings? Like; what are you hoping to be able to provide them with? Is it a house deposit, is it no student loans, is it a life of luxury in which they never have to work? I think it might help you to have a goal in mind for them, so that you don't just have a general focus on 'saving'.

For what it's worth, DM died and left my sister and me a significant inheritance. Obviously we're grateful but the things we talk about when we talk about her are the holidays we went on, the opportunities she gave us, the support we had from her. We'd give it back in a second to have more time with her, if we could somehow have made that bargain. And she used to refrain from spending a lot of money on herself because she wanted us to have it when she was gone; we actively encouraged her to spend it to have better experiences, we didn't want to see her go without because of some nebulous reasoning that she wanted to give it to us.

Thank you for your feedback.

I think having the money has given us freedom, and I want my children to have that same freedom when they're my age.

However I'm now trapped in a vicious cycle of "if I spend £30k on a car, that's £30k my children could have had."

Which I appreciate is madness, where does it end? There is no number for me that will ever be enough.

Also - worth pointing out that aside from us providing 10% house deposits, and reasonable cars at 17 - my children will not have access to free flowing money in their 20s/30s. Totally understand the point about their own financial responsibilities.

The toddler is too young for Florida atm. I'd prefer to wait until she's 6/7 and the other is a teen.

I do not get the car thing, I'm afraid. My car is fine. Husband isn't a flash man, I think he just feels a bit put out that he's coming second to my manic saving.

I agree.
DD has got a couple of friends who don't want for anything and l think they will never really appreciate it.

I have never ever thought even remotely like this.

What I enjoyed spending money was amazing holidays with my DC that we all enjoyed.

I paid for uni costs out of salary and then had an unexpected inheritance which I am using/have used for my for my three DC’s home deposits.

I wouldn’t want my own DC to be thinking like this if they ever have DC.

😂 A 5 year old A3 is a flash car to many.

You seem really hung up on the car thing. A flash car is a waste of money. A holiday to make family memories that you can easily afford is not.

We also went to Florida a few times as kids. Dad never saved any money, he died leaving only £1000 debt. Now that's the complete opposite to where you are but I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't need my parents money, I need their love and joy and the memories we made.

What is the point in having the money if you're not spending some of it on the things you love?

I mean this very kindly but I don't understand your mindset at all. Your children aren't entitled to any money from you and any money you are able to provide them with will (if you've brought them up correctly) be gratefully received.

I haven't received any money from my parents at all other than a couple of grand towards my wedding and a short term loan to help us get on the property ladder (which we paid back within a year). I still have a house and a job and a happy life and I had zero expectations of money from them.

As a parent I would be very happy if I could provide my DC with some money when they are older to help them in whatever way they need but this is entirely subject to our ability and desire to save for them.

Think of it this way: just as important as giving them cash when they are older is them understanding what money is for and seeing you happy and with a balanced and healthy attitude to money. Being a Penny pincher and denying yourself basic treats is not a healthy attitude. If your husband would like a new car and you can afford one then I would consider it. I would be booking my hair in at the hairdresser asap (I actually see this as basic self care not a treat) and get the holiday booked too (I don't really get why your youngest is too young for Florida).

You've done a great job saving but it sounds like your kids will already inherit more than most people could ever dream of so I would try and relax and enjoy your money too.

I know too many people whose parents have died relatively young, who hugely prioritised saving over enjoying life, who carry a lot of guilt and upset at having received money when their parents didn’t appear to have a lot to show, in actual “living life” terms, for their years on the planet, and who they don’t remember fondly as being fun and having fun. I can understand that: I’d feel awful about inheriting money from a parent who scrimped on hair dye to leave me a few extra coins, and as somebody who really enjoys cars and motorbikes I’d not want my dad to have struggled with the idea of treating himself likewise, apparently for my benefit. That would be how I’d justify it, personally.

Because I am a person too and my life didn't stop when I had kids? I have dreams and aspirations of my own and I want my children to find their own way in the world. We have provided for them a safe and warm home, a good education (state but moved to good schools), holidays, hobbies and will support them through uni. But unless we come into some kind of windfall I will not be trying to give them house deposits or set them up in any other way, I am not going to reduce our more frivolous spending such as holidays, our own hobbies or pocket money in order to provide for my children what DH and I have had to provide for ourselves. By all means if you've easily got the money crack on, but I really don't think it is sending a healthy message to kids to hold back in your own life putting them on a pedestal.

I hope they would then do the same for themselves as adults, and not think they become less important as individuals if they choose parenthood, because I simply don't believe that.

I get it, but I think you need to realise that they've now got an excellent foundation that will mean they will have a lot of flexibility and freedom in their lives and now is the time to enjoy that time together.

My wonderful mum died yesterday morning and she has left a substantial amount of money to me as it was important to her that I was 'set up' for life. It's enough to clear the mortgage and have a big chunk of savings. I'm so thankful that she did, but I'd turn it all down for one more day with my mum. Use the money to enjoy your life and time with your kids. You know they have enough coming to considerably ease their lives, but don't fall into the trap of failing to live your lives together in the meantime. Book a holiday, buy the car, enjoy each other.

Oh and as PP said, my mum absolutely lived her life and enjoyed herself with her money. She had a lovely home, great holidays. I'd feel awful if she'd been scrimping and saving to give me extra money when she already had saved so much for me. I'm just so glad she had a fulfilled life and was able to do the things she enjoyed and that we had wonderful holidays and experiences together.

This is really useful.

I was brought up in a comfortable home. DH was brought up with money but his parents had the same mindset as me.

I know we can only give our children the tools to do well, and eventually I'll have to let them find their own way.

Easier written down than put into practice.

PP said about my hair. I would love a salon trip.

I need to find the balance. I won't take the toddler to Florida yet as she's feral, quite frankly, and none of us would get any enjoyment out of it.

I will be happy to take them in a few years. They're both well dressed, have lots of toys and nice things. The boy is doing brilliantly with school and should go to a well respected and traditional grammar school. We all have a lovely, secure happy unit at home.

We are very fortunate. We made good property decisions and had a huge heap of luck back in the day.

I'm sorry about the flippant A3 Audi thing - that was clumsy, but it's not a car I would have ever chosen 😂 I'd quite like a Mustang in my driveway but here we are.

Balance, balance, balance