How do you justify treating yourself above saving for children?

[brimfulofsmashaonthe45ish]

Hi,

This is not a stealth boast - I'm trying to readjust my mindset as this is causing marital tension

We have two young children - toddler and 8 year old

We live in an affordable forever home. 5 bed, good area - can easily meet mortgage, eat and pay our bills without a second thought. DH and I are both quite senior Civil Servants - our employment is secure, pensions taken care of etc.

We have considerable savings for our two children. Our home is worth £350k, we have another property worth £250k and £150k in savings to be left to them

We drive normal cars. Nothing flash. VW Passat and an Audi A3. Both around 5 years old.

I'm happy enough. I don't need a flash car. My husband is getting to the stage where he thinks we should have a nice Merc or BMW. Or we should take the children to Florida for a £10k holiday. Or basically that we work hard and it would be nice to have something to enjoy.

I see his point. I've never wanted to be the goose that sits on the golden egg, but seems I've turned into one.

Every purchase I make, I now feel guilty as I could have saved that money for my children. Ffs. This started with "big purchases" and has now filtered down to me box dying my hair as opposed to spending £100 in the salon. I love that I can put £80 into their savings. But ultimately I know there has to be a happy medium.

I do happily spend money on my children, it's myself that I cannot justify.

Appreciate this post doesn't read well and I don't mean to offend, I'm just trying to see how others live more in the moment.

If it helps OP, we save 30 quid a month for each of ours (aged 16 and 11) and they also get to go to any and all extra curricular activities they want to.

They'll have a reasonable nest egg by 18 (when you include all the extra money we have saved for them from birthdays, Christmases, small occasional inheritances, Baptism, Communion etc)

I don't feel bad spending on myself. No one gave me a big leg up with masses of savings. I got 1k when I turned 18 and had to give some of it back to my mum cos the car broke down the same week and they didn't have enough to fix it.

Let your kids make their own way in the world, you've already softened their path to adulthood by earmarking a huge amount for them. Don't be tight on yourself.

Spending on cars is stupid. That's such a man/penis thing. But taking the DCs on good holidays is part of being a good parent. Why deprive them of that.

As long as you have enough for driving lessons, car, some uni costs, house deposits how much more do they need in savings?

@heartofglass23

cars are some people’s passion and hobby and if so they should be allowed to spend on them. Also - It’s not just men who like cars.

@heartofglass23

Spending on cars is stupid. That's such a man/penis thing.

No it's not. I own the most expensive / hi spec car in our household and I'm definitely a woman.

HTH.

As seperate call savings out and bills etc.

Dc have someone good pots already.
Re florida it's definitely on my bucket list but they're are so many more exiting and wonderful things to do do than just Disney.

Safari? Amazon, Greek Island hoping etc

I have children and I don't save my money for them. I save their birthday and Christmas money.

I'm not going to miss out on enjoying my life by saving for my children. I pay enough every month to make sure they're happy and have what they need.

I'm struggling to understand where you neurotic anxious wierd view of money comes from. You should book counselling for this anxiety.

It is a balancing act and finding that sweet spot can be hard, I agree.

We too are fortunate that we are in a safe, comfortable home in a good area with enough space for us all and we can afford the bills.

We prioritise saving to some extent. So for us, we'll put money aside for DDs each month as we live in an expensive area (SE England) and want to help DDs with a house deposit each in the future. But I want them to appreciate working hard for what they have and the value of saving so after that house deposit money is handed over that will be it (apart from whatever they get for inheritance once DH and I are gone.)

Our other savings are for DH and I..... mortgage overpayments, putting enough aside so we can hopefully retire early, pension provision etc. DDs may indirectly benefit but they are not the focus.

Spending is a balancing act. Pizza from the supermarket is our treat here too, and we shop at Aldi. But that's because I'd rather take them out to a restaurant for a meal once a month than have a takeaway every week. I'd rather eat more cheaply week to week if it means we can make an overpayment on the mortgage at the end of the month etc. Cars are decent and reliable, but not extravagant as we don't need anything really fancy. Just to trust that it'll get us from A to B.

Holidays are one bigger abroad trip every other year and a UK break in-between. We could afford to go abroad every year but don't want to spend that much money so we compromise with alternate years.

I don't buy myself new clothes (almost my entire wardrobe is from Vinted) but I treat myself by getting my hair done at a salon and having a pedicure every six weeks because I deserve to feel nice too. I work hard enough for it.

It sounds like your children are very fortunate and already will have a great start due to your saving. So now it's realising that you and your DH are important too and spending on yourself is worth it, you deserve treats as well. It's important to model balance to your children. My mum always used to say to me "save a bit, spend a bit" and it was a good lesson I think.

OP, why don't you just say you'll save £x a month for each child and then have the rest as spending money (much of which may go for their benefit anyway like paying for clothes, hobbies, holidays etc). You can decide if you want to cover uni fees, maintenance, a possible house deposit etc.

As a guide, I pay my son's university rent out of income, which is going up for his third year but was about £7.5K last academic year. He has some savings which he uses for living off - £1000 a term. So he has needed £9K for three years. I said if he wanted anything else he had to work.

He has a separate Child Trust Fund which he can use towards a house deposit (he'll need more but we can decide if we give him more when the time comes. It's better to give it to him in the next few years, rather than have IHT arise on it).

I think the key is to decide you will save £x a per child (and whatever you want to save for your own future) and then be happy spending the rest.

You need to find a balance OP that also means that you get to enjoy life a bit more. Before you know it they will be grown up and gone. Will they appreciate all the sacrifices you made for them? Will you feel resentment or regret later that you didn't do certain things and prioritised saving for them instead. While I agree about the new car thing, I think you need to reassess your situation and also make sure that you are not being a complete martyr for your kids. You never know what the future holds.

Another who doesn't think like this.

We have a savings account for DC. Enough we hope to pay for University fees or similar age they're the right age.

But we are VERY much for spending out big on the holidays and other life experiences.

Our DC have seen a lot of the world, and been to big time shows/concerts etc.

A lot of people I'm sure think theatre/holidays are a waste of money that could be saved. But spending out on wonderful trips/experiences that also give us quality time as a family is worth more than money in the bank in my experience.

I lost a parent quite young. It's great to have financial stability but who wouldn't trade that for special moments?

That being said I always box dye my hair and we don't wear designer clothes etc. But that's mainly because I see it as more to go into the holiday/theatre/concert pot.

My mum had your attitude, wouldn't spend money on herself as it was mine and my brother's for when she was gone. I repeatedly argued with her to no avail.

Now she's in a care home and it's unlikely we'll see the any of the money anyway, so I'm left with memories of her doing without, endlessly moaning about doing so and being miserable in the process rather than the recollections of her being happy which is what I wanted.

Can I make a suggestion (that many MNers won’t like) - looking at house prices in your area, and given you have £150k saved for the dcs, you could buy a small house or flat outright for considerably less than that.

given what you are saving for is a) house deposit and b)car for kids, you have already saved enough to pay for 50% of a house each. If you are scared house prices will become unattainable high again, could you buy a property now and rent it out? You could be a lovely landlord who can keep the rent low and reinvest most of it in the property. But then when your dcs are both adults, sell it and give them half each of whatever you get for it. That way you know your savings will have kept pace with house prices. (or they could live in it, or you could use the income to help pay for uni etc)

if 50% of a house value isn’t enough for them, then you need to think what would be enough.

then the fear of having to save for them is gone. You can relax and either save for your own early retirement or spend the money on having a lovely life now. (I’d go with that)

I think having the money has given us freedom, and I want my children to have that same freedom when they're my age.

But it hasn’t give you freedom, you’ve become a slave to it. There’s no point in having financial freedom if you don’t use it.

Have a look at the amount of money Which say you need for retirement and also what this is spent on.
I know you have young children, so it won’t completely work, but the categories for new clothes and holidays may help you to see what is considered a normal amount for a couple to spend on these things.

And another plea not to leave your kids with memories of ice creams at the seaside on a caravan holiday being too expensive, and then finding nearly 1 million in the bank plus a house worth 800k. And packs and pack of unopened socks and warm winter vests while the ones in use were rags.

We don’t have specific savings for DD (except for her birthday/xmas money). She’ll be sorted for uni until whenever she wants to stop, we should be able to provide a decent deposit etc. I think thats ok. We are comfortable and save what we don’t spend (no mortgage etc maxed out our premium bonds too) but pension is something we worry about a bit.

We do spend a lot on eating out, DD’s activities etc. take her to the theatre etc but I’ve never thought “oooh I could be putting that tenner into DD’s account”. We sort of see it as we know we have enough to give her a pretty comfortable start and hopefully she’ll be able to take care of herself after that. Doing things with her now is pretty important to us and also having a comfortable retirement.

I am like this, trying to plan the future down to the Nth degree. About money but also other things. Running myself round in circles trying to figure out what’s right financially, etc. It’s exhausting though and you don’t sound like you are relaxing/living very well yourself at the moment, and life is precious. I think it’s anxiety of sort and you (and I) could probably do with help. Fuelled by the news and cost of living yadayada

I like to reframe it when I can, I find it grounding. Your DS might win the lottery on a random scratchcard when he’s 20, and be financially secure forever, enabling you to retire early etc. DD might find love after university and find that she moves abroad and rents forever as is common in other countries. Either of your kids might marry someone with a lot of family wealth and the ILs might be helping them, house wise wedding wise just as much. Or not. If the worst case scenario is that they inherit a property from you and split the profits by two then they’ve not done badly have they? Better than most. Worrying is quite literally pointless, I know you can’t help it but you really need to try and reframe it or talk to someone about it who can give you some strategies to feel less concerned. An asteroid could hit planet earth tomorrow. It won’t, but you cannot plan for all eventualities. As PP says we have literally no idea what the housing market will look like and anyone in this world can make their own way with a bit of determination, even if they came from nothing.

Try to enjoy your little family unit now and don’t let the years pass you by as you look at their future. If you don’t make memories now I think you will really regret it. It is just money, it is just stuff. Money comes back. Stuff returns. Stop watching the news, allow yourself £6k a year for a really nice holiday & couple of weekends away. Live.

Maybe you're just not as into nice cars and expensive hair salons as others are? I struggle to say this without coming across as some wannabe Jesus, but I'm like that.

New cars, clothes and hair are nice and shiny and lots of fun, so I don't mean I'm some kind of ascetic... But I don't get any pleasure from dropping 3 to 5 figures on a single item of clothing. It's not at all about the price tag – I just don't see the huge fuss about these overhyped brands and inanimate objects...

It varies by person and isn't necessarily upbringing – my parents and siblings are like your DH. They (understandably) enjoy material comforts and feel we should enjoy our family portfolio.

On the other hand, there are some specific things I'd happily spend on, like fun classes/courses! So I guess have a think if there's anything particularly enjoyable or meaningful worth splurging on, but don't force yourself to spend just for the sake of it. And also consider that spending on personal presentation/grooming can be an investment in yourself, if you enjoy it.

On a last note though, if you're really just saving frenetically out of anxiety, then it makes sense to grow your capital (eg blue chip investments) instead of stockpiling it.

The same reason why I'd buy nice shoes rather than plastic pleather ones or good quality farmed meat rather than mass produced cheap meat. Because things that are better quality generally cost more. Whenever I travel and hire a run of the mill decent car I am so aware of how much better my cars at home are. They are just nicer. Feel better, interiors not so plasticky, more highly spec-d. Just better

I never had a savings account as a child. Well, thinking about it, I definitely had things like bonds bought for me and money for birthdays etc that went into ‘savings’ but I certainly never saw any of it as an adult. And I did perfectly okay.

My dc do have savings accounts in their own names. Dh and I do both put a bit in every month as do family sometimes. I don’t worry about their future because we’ve made our own sensible financial decisions that will mean we can help them one day when they need to buy a house or go to uni. But that’s still many years down the road. Now I still wouldn’t buy a silly car or spend £10k on a holiday but it doesn’t stop me enjoying expensive hobbies or traveling or living life. We are okay enough that our dc will be okay too, as they’ll certainly have more support than we had.

Maybe - but are they more reliable or do they last longer than, say, another reliable, lower status brand? My cars need to handle rough terrain and adventures so the idea of spending a lot on one just for looks isn't my thing when it might get showered with stones and mud on the regular. I mean, if someone's 'thing' is cars, that's up to them, just not mine. When I last got a new car, I test drove one that was almost twice the price of the one I ended up buying, because I liked the handling of the cheaper one better.

I do relate to buying the most expensive meat and ingredients though. I see that as an investment in health.

Hence why I said 'balance'. Nothing wrong with indulging in nice things, but if I could buy a car at twice the price and not afford to pay my children's university fees, I'd rather buy half the priced car and pay the university fees. That's not an obligation, of course, and if the parent who earned the money wanted to spend it on a car, that's their right. We're all different in what we value.

I’ll give you the flip side of this. My mum is 70 next year. She is still working. She was a single
mother bringing us up. She’s got several properties to leave us that she rents out. This is more work for her. She never buys herself anything. When I was little she’d be in flip flops in winter. She won’t go on holidays as it costs too much. I absolutely hate that she keeps working and won’t go any holidays and treat herself. I would like to see her in nice clothes, having her hair done, going on holiday doing nice things with us. Yes I’m very grateful that there will be some inheritance but i’d prefer she spent at least some of the money now and enjoyed herself more.

Our kids will be fine - they’ll get plenty as long as we don’t end up in a home for years but even if we did I think they’d consider that money well spent as neither wants to do that job!