How do you justify treating yourself above saving for children?

[brimfulofsmashaonthe45ish]

Hi,

This is not a stealth boast - I'm trying to readjust my mindset as this is causing marital tension

We have two young children - toddler and 8 year old

We live in an affordable forever home. 5 bed, good area - can easily meet mortgage, eat and pay our bills without a second thought. DH and I are both quite senior Civil Servants - our employment is secure, pensions taken care of etc.

We have considerable savings for our two children. Our home is worth £350k, we have another property worth £250k and £150k in savings to be left to them

We drive normal cars. Nothing flash. VW Passat and an Audi A3. Both around 5 years old.

I'm happy enough. I don't need a flash car. My husband is getting to the stage where he thinks we should have a nice Merc or BMW. Or we should take the children to Florida for a £10k holiday. Or basically that we work hard and it would be nice to have something to enjoy.

I see his point. I've never wanted to be the goose that sits on the golden egg, but seems I've turned into one.

Every purchase I make, I now feel guilty as I could have saved that money for my children. Ffs. This started with "big purchases" and has now filtered down to me box dying my hair as opposed to spending £100 in the salon. I love that I can put £80 into their savings. But ultimately I know there has to be a happy medium.

I do happily spend money on my children, it's myself that I cannot justify.

Appreciate this post doesn't read well and I don't mean to offend, I'm just trying to see how others live more in the moment.

Really what it comes down to is you feel guilty spending money on yourself - why? Who has taught you that it’s not ok? Who has taught you that every penny you work hard for you must sacrifice? If the answer is no one then get your arse down to a salon. As one box hair dyer to another - your hair needs care! Mine is now a frizzy mess from years of box dying, go take care of yours and get it treated and nourished.

A lot of the time spending money on yourself is a form of self care. Women going to hair dressers or buying themselves clothes and occasionally treating themselves is something we usually only do when we need x, y or z. I don’t know anyone popping off to the hair dresser every 6 weeks out of necessity because it cuts into busy family and work time. But if you feel a mess getting your hair (or whatever equivalent you’d get) done can not only improve your mood and confidence, it can reduce stress and make you feel so much more capable in your day to day life.

Stop looking at it as you spending money on yourself or treating yourself and start thinking of it as you taking care of yourself, meeting your needs and being able to present your best self not only for your family and colleagues, but for your own benefit too. You deserve to take care of yourself, you deserve to have time for yourself too

Sorry I'll give a little bit of info on the carefully chosen bit: of course we all carefully chose

If there's a Jet2 holiday or whatever to say.. Crete.. for £4k with water park and good facilities

I'll say "absolutely not" and find a £2k one to Turkey and take the kids to the local waterpark for a day or two

Despite the Crete holiday being better iykwim and knowing they'd enjoy themselves more

But that's me prioritising my own happiness over everyone else's

I do the whole finance thing here, husband doesn't have a clue what things cost. He just shows up. Great guy. Amazing with the children and chores, but I run the finances. Probably because I couldn't cope with the not knowing.

I'm very uptight. Can you tell?

Are you the originator of the Mumsnet chicken?

@brimfulofsmashaonthe45ish

this ⬆️

This made me lol.

Maybe your kids can work for their money like you have. Or is there a reason they won't be able to?

You could try going to a Turkey water park hotel for 3k as a compromise.

@brimfulofsmashaonthe45ish

oh op, get yourself booked into the salon and get yourself some new clothes
life is too short

This makes no sense at all to me. Why would you not choose the holiday your children would enjoy more if you can afford it? Why would you prefer the cheaper holiday? Is your preference only down to cost or if they cost the same would you still choose turkey?

We’re also very well off but it’s never occurred to me to save so much for our children. We give them the tools to support themselves when they are older (a good education and there’ll be money for university if that’s what they choose) but generally I’m assuming that they will support themselves.

But that’s when they’re older. At the moment they’re children and we need to provide everything including the fun stuff. And of course we want to make sure there’s plenty of fun because we want them to have a happy childhood and be able to do all the day trips, holidays, extracurricular activities and anything else they fancy.

Why would you book a cheaper holiday knowing the children would enjoy the more expensive one if you can afford it? That just feels a bit mean!

Off subject but I prefer Turkey to Crete.

Honestly I wouldn’t much like either but we’re stuck camping because that’s what our kids like. So doesn’t even need to be expensive but generally we do a lot of stuff we’d rather give a miss because we want our children to have fun.

I don't mean to be unkind but this isn't normal. Why do you feel that you need to save all your money for your kids? Even if you gave them 20k each towards a deposit, that's a really generous gift, and more than most get.

I wonder whether this comes from a place of guilt. People like this are usually trying to compensate for something. Do you work long hours and miss out on spending time with your kids? Money never makes up for that.

In any case, you seem to be very anxious and obsessive over your children. You may benefit from speaking to a therapist about your worries (although I'm afraid that it is likely to cost some money!).

I did not invent the Mumsnet chicken

I don't have us staying in hovels.. but I appreciate I could do more

It's the clicking the button. It's the extra £1000 would be £500 each for them at some stage

It's total madness and I admit there is no magic number where I'll say "enough"

Now my husband is pretty much saying "enough" - and I really love him, I don't want him resenting me

It's not about the car, or the holiday really. It's about how I can let myself enjoy things without constantly prioritising my children's future. I would have form for being a total control freak with the children.

I came from a comfortable financial background, but my parents weren't attentive or affectionate

I try to right the wrongs by doing what I think is important, but I expect my children probably just want me to have fun with them

We get both our salaries paid into a joint account, then after bills etc have gone out we have transfers set up each month - a small amount for each of our children's savings, a larger chunk to family savings and then some "spending" money into each of our personal accounts. If we get a small lump sum (inheritance, bonus) the two of us have a chat and decide how to split it fairly between the different accounts depending on how much/where the money came from.

So if I want to buy some new clothes etc. I would never feel guilty because it is from my personal spending money. If we want to upgrade car/book a holiday then we would consider what we have in family savings. So we are saving an amount for our children that we are happy with and have pre-agreed but we're not just saving and saving for the sake of it at the cost of everything else. I think without a system like this I would be like you, as I used to get a bit overly worried about saving even pre children. My husband likes to just spend, so this system was a compromise and avoids money related arguments. Would a system like this work for you?

You can prioritise your children's future by doing things now. The happiest adults have the happiest childhoods. Give them one and give them some holidays and fun. Also happy adults have happy parents - so do stuff for you too

Also. We shop in Asda, Tesco - Lidl for the cupboard essentials

Our treat is a M&S meal deal pizza thing on a Friday night. I don't much care for meals out but will take them when the oldest wants to go to the local pizza chain

I'm not fancy. My handbag is TK Maxx. I buy soap from Poundland, check deals for shampoo in Superdrug etc. I don't much care what other people think of me

Where we live - it's Cornflake City. All the fancy cars in driveways, people massively overstretched so they can have the address - and there's a saying that they all eat cornflakes for every meal

We bought at the right time, very fortunate. But this isn't about impressing the neighbours.

I clearly have some deep set issue.

Thank you for what you've been saying btw - I am reading and taking note.

I get it (and to a certain extent it's come back to bite me now I have to justify spend for maintenance).

I remind myself that I, too am a person, that I, too deserve nice things sometimes, and my kids, if given the option, would give me nice things sometimes.

So I strike a happy medium. Half to savings/pension, Half to spend ideally, but at the moment with every costing more, that's straying more to 1/3rd to savings/pension and 2/3rds to spend, or we'd never do things like go to the cinema or go out for lunch.

Nice holiday every 2 or 3 years, week camping in France otherwise (TBH, the kids like the familiarity of the camping more - the fancy holidays are for me)

There’s nothing wrong with Asda and Lidl. I shop at both because they are the closest supermarkets to me and I’m not suggesting that you waste money for the sake of it. Waitrose and M&S aren’t necessarily better but they are definitely dearer.

But if you can afford the odd meal out or treat and you , your DH and children enjoy it, why not treat yourself every now and then.

You just have to decide on your priorities and spend accordingly. I have a lot in savings, some earmarked for the dcs. But spend freely on experiences for them as I think it helps them become more rounded - extracurriculars, holidays, trips out.

I don't spend too much on myself either - like you I do my own box dye and don't spend much on clothes or beauty treatments. That's because I don't value them, and don't think they'll make me look or feel any better. We don't have a car at all, because it's nicer to take the tube. I've spent lots of money on hobbies, exhibitions, theatre trips, courses and fitness classes, because I enjoy them and they help me develop as a person. And I only work p/t which is a bit of a luxury with school aged dc, but it means I get that bit of time to myself, which is more valuable than spending money on my looks.

I've only read the OPs posts, so not sure if someone else has said similar. You haven't mentioned where you keep the money for the kids? Is it just in a standard savings account?
If so, I'd focus on making sure that money grows with inflation. Its a bit of a waste otherwise, £10k saved in cash now may not be worth very much by the time you give it to the kids. You'll be annoyed at your sacrifices if it doesn't end up giving the kids the security you wanted it to.
You'll wish you hadn't limited yourself.

But you're right, it's about finding that balance.
Maybe agree a budget for a holiday, and find the best you can for that budget. Recognise that experiences are going to be important for building lasting relationships with your kids. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to spend money - my parents had next to nothing and I had a great childhood.

If my parents said to me now that they could have taken us to disney on a once in a lifetime holiday, at a time when it would have been truly magical for us, but didn't because they wanted to give me cash when I was older...and then handed me £1k (estimating what it may have cost when I was younger per child - I have no real idea)....I don't think I'd be that grateful 😆
Even as a grown adult, who could do with £1k...I'd rather have had the experience

My mum is like you and I have to tell you that I wish she wasn't. She lives very modestly but loves to splurge on her kids and grand kids. I'm not talking about treating us to an expensive dinner but she's given me tens of thousands of pounds over the years. And guilt tripped me into accepting it. I was very resentful for many, many years as I wanted to earn my own living and didn't want the guilt of seeing her restrict herself just to hand me over money. I have refused that money and am just saving it in case they need it for anything but realistically I know it's mine and they won't take it back ever. Sometimes it feels like a burden. They don't ask for anything in return but sometimes I feel obligated.

My dad also stuffs money down the throat but he also buys for himself whatever he wants. I actually much prefer that to my mum's approach.

Now that I'm older I can appreciate that they have essentially provided me with a safety net but I still wish they'd spend more on themselves. At least my parents didn't skimp on making memories for us as a family so I'm glad about that.

Don't save manically. If your kids love you they wouldn't want you to. I'm sure they'll appreciate help with university fees or getting a foot on the property ladder but they might also want to be more independent and make it on their own. And if they love you they don't want to see you go without. And definitely don't do it at the cost of doing nice things with the family.

Where we live - it's Cornflake City. All the fancy cars in driveways, people massively overstretched so they can have the address - and there's a saying that they all eat cornflakes for every meal

You're getting judgemental now, I don't think you're in a position to judge anyone else on how they spend their money, you have no idea how people are funding their lifestyles.

You don’t have to spend on everything, I use box dye but spend 40k per year on holidays.

OP I think you would benefit by paying yourself an allowance that can only be spent on yourself. Maybe start with £200 per month and try and make yourself spend it, it can’t go on the DC or be saved. This way you my find things that are worth it for you, a lunch with friends, a nice jacket etc, etc.

You have an amazing savings pot to give your DC a head start into adult hood, but it's coming at a cost to the here and now
Life is all about balance and health is also wealth.
I understand you feel guilty spending on yourself, I did too when DC were young
Book that hair appointment, treat yourself to clothes you like and fit well. Life is precious and too short
Your DC will have great memories of lovely holidays
There is a middle ground between frugal and extravagant and I think you do need to find it
You deserve to enjoy life too
DH would like a new car, so buy one. I'm sure he's not wanting a Lamborghini
I'm on disability benefits so need to consider every pound, but I spend on things which are important to me regular haircuts and am happy with BNWT clothes from Vinted
I own my own flat so my 3 will inherit that plus I treat them to meals, and bits and pieces
Please enjoy life I lost a friend last year at 55

Oh and think about using some of the DC’s savings to start a pension for them.