How do you justify treating yourself above saving for children?

[brimfulofsmashaonthe45ish]

Hi,

This is not a stealth boast - I'm trying to readjust my mindset as this is causing marital tension

We have two young children - toddler and 8 year old

We live in an affordable forever home. 5 bed, good area - can easily meet mortgage, eat and pay our bills without a second thought. DH and I are both quite senior Civil Servants - our employment is secure, pensions taken care of etc.

We have considerable savings for our two children. Our home is worth £350k, we have another property worth £250k and £150k in savings to be left to them

We drive normal cars. Nothing flash. VW Passat and an Audi A3. Both around 5 years old.

I'm happy enough. I don't need a flash car. My husband is getting to the stage where he thinks we should have a nice Merc or BMW. Or we should take the children to Florida for a £10k holiday. Or basically that we work hard and it would be nice to have something to enjoy.

I see his point. I've never wanted to be the goose that sits on the golden egg, but seems I've turned into one.

Every purchase I make, I now feel guilty as I could have saved that money for my children. Ffs. This started with "big purchases" and has now filtered down to me box dying my hair as opposed to spending £100 in the salon. I love that I can put £80 into their savings. But ultimately I know there has to be a happy medium.

I do happily spend money on my children, it's myself that I cannot justify.

Appreciate this post doesn't read well and I don't mean to offend, I'm just trying to see how others live more in the moment.

@Redanditchy we both have excellent pensions with the Civil Service

The pension was in relation to someone's suggestion of pension provision for the children

I really mean this kindly because you're clearly trying your best but I do think some therapy might help you to be in a better place. There are some apps that can connect you to therapists rather than having to search them out yourself. You've certainly got the money.

Your first bit of homework from me (!) is to book a day off to get your hair done and buy yourself some new trousers!!

You could drop dead next week and that’s it. I know that seems harsh but I have had a couple of friends die, one in her forties and one in her early fifties.

DS is now at University, I could buy him a house outright when he graduates but I’m not going to. I will assist with a deposit though he has gone as a mature student, we have never told him how well off we are and he has saved most of the wages he has earned in those two years.

We look modest not bothered about car, clothes or luxury items but we spend a lot on holidays. Pre covid we would go away overseas three times a year.

I have never felt the need to justify it. My DH and worked hard and gave our children a good life. They were far more privileged than we were.

I have never felt the need to set aside large amounts of money for them. Like us they are intelligent and hard working and perfectly capable of making their own way in the world.

We helped them financially throughout uni. We matched the money they saved towards home deposits. We treat them to meals out and the occasional mini holiday and maybe help with the occasional big ticket item. When DH winds up his late mums estate we will give them both a cash gift. That's more than enough. They don't expect it or rely on us financially and that's how it should be.

Young people need to feel independent, that they are making their own way in the world not that they couldn't cope without the help of the bank of Mum and Dad.

@overitunderit thank you for homework.

I know the exact date of the trouser purchase as I had to buy them post pregnancy..

I really wanted River Island ones but walked out at the £50 price tag.

To be fair, the Next ones have lasted well.

I love Mumsnet. I've shown my husband this thread and he's nodding away like a wee puppy. He's of the firm belief that my heart is in the right place, but the head is a bit skewed

LHe's of the firm belief that my heart is in the right place, but the head is a bit skewed

I think that's the sum of it OP and most people here would agree, it takes a lot to be honest on a cut throat platform like this, hopefully it's given you some food for thought

Because I work hard for my money and I want to enjoy it. I don’t have the wealth you do but even if I did I wouldn’t give them the sums you are talking about. Helping with costs is one thing but I want my kids to learn the value of work and earning money themselves

@brimfulofsmashaonthe45ish

is there some reason why you think your kids can’t work and work hard for their own money in the same way you and your husband do?
it does kids good to not get it all handed to them - it gives them drive and motivation.

oh and £50 for some river island trousers isn’t much at all. Why don’t you go back there at the weekend and buy some? Before or after your salon visit whatever you would prefer.

Great post I totally agree

I think you are quite, quite mad, to be honest. You've saved enough to make their lives comfortable, and even that is beyond what the vast majority of people will manage. It sounds like you'll be able to comfortably fund uni, and I think having a part-time job as a student for fun money is beneficial to learn the value of money and juggling time. Some money towards a deposit is great, and I was lucky enough to get that from my own parents (entirely unexpected and very gratefully received). A car at 17 is... unusual, to say the least, and possibly not very safe for a young driver, especially as they have a high likelihood of writing it off.

I earn a lot less than you, though we are comfortable, and I spend £100 at the hairdresser's every three months or so. I wouldn't even think about saving that money for my son. It's my money, I've earned it and I want to have nice hair. There's absolutely no need to martyr yourself at the alter of your children.

It’s all relative I suppose, I could buy two houses on our street for the price of some peoples one house, or vice versa. The house posted is half the price of our house. The children will have their inheritance and enough for a car each. The rest we spend on loving life together; I might die tomorrow (as my dad did at 32 leaving nothing). I’m glad I had memories, priceless.

Your children need to see that you value and respect yourself. Spending on them and never on yourself sends them completely the wrong life message.

To be honest, @brimfulofsmashaonthe45ish when will be enough?

There is saving money so your children can graduate debt free and have a nice house deposit, I would have loved to do this. Then when do you stop and think it will do them good to earn enough for the rest because it does no one any good to have life handed to them on a plate?

Have you thought about why your depriving yourself unnecessarily?

what’s the belief behind that? Are you worried about losing it all?

I think it depends on your savings goals for them. I have zero intention of subsidising them as adults - they’ll have to make their own way, but we’ve saved enough to cover university costs so they’ll start debt free and we have saved house deposits for them. Everything else we spend - holidays and meals out mainly

My parents are in the process of dispensing big financial gifts to us. We appreciate it, we really do.

But they could have used even 25% of it to give us more experiences, more trendy, silly stuff etc when we were kids and we'd still have had a great wodge.

I don't want or expect anything. They can have as much as they'd like themselves. Spend it all on themselves, as far as I'm concerned.

seriously fuxk the savings, start living OP!
you have done well, u have plenty to give leave kids and give them a good wee start in life when they are older.
for now.....please start making memories ASAP. ur kids won't give a shot what their folk drove when they were young.
but please think, what if u and hubby were to die tomorrow.....do ur kids care about daft money in the bank or about the photographs of a family u left behind?
would they rather sit in bed at night missing u with a stack of cash at side of their beds or a fabulous holiday photo taking someplace amazing that they can cherish.
stop the saving so much it means nothing in the grand scheme of life. ur kids can make their own and be just as happy but set them a happy loving life path, give them opportunities and let them see the world. together. it's more important that any bit of paper with a number on it and u have done well with them now already.
lastly. TREAT Yourself with out a second thot! u have worked hard af for it. go and get whatever the hell u wish x

I'm glad you've taken the advice and viewpoints on board, all meant kindly and I hope you buy those new clothes and a nice haircut very soon
Life is for living

OP - same as other posters, I'm curious as to where these very strong feelings of frugality have come from?

I can see your point to an extent as the desire to provide for one's children is fierce. I have a teenage DD and her life is very different indeed to mine growing up. My own parents had to watch the pennies and there was no such thing as a 'proper' holiday beyond visiting relatives in the UK nor even many exciting days out. I worked all throughout college as I needed the income. Now, as the parent, I find it extremely comforting to be able to provide my daughter with things as well as experiences. We go on holidays, to gigs, out to restaurants, escape rooms, lots of fun things but without going mad or getting into debt. And I still save for her future needs and my own decent retirement! As others have said, it's all about balance - enjoying yourself today whilst still sensibly thinking about tomorrow and the future. You have sufficient wealth that you can do it all.

If you really want to ensure that your children have the best possible life then think of spending money on experiences as a way of enhancing their cultural capital. It's not just finances that set a child up for success. Wishing you all the best.

Thank you for the kindness shown, it's really appreciated

I do realise we are very fortunate to be in this position, and no amount of money will ever compensate for a dodgy childhood or dead parents

Husband is feeling quite smug. We still aren't gonna be dashing down to the car showroom, and this will take some time to unpick where my fear originates from - but I will really try to balance everything and make positive choices

As someone who’s grandparents and parents scrimped and saved for them, only for it all to be spent on carehomes. Don’t! It breaks my heart that it all ends up in the pocket of some big carehome fatcat. That they went without so we could use the cash im the future only for that to not be the case, I hate it. Please spend your money and enjoy it. By all means put money aside for a rainy day, deposit for a house for them maybe but do not miser it all away.

Admittedly I have a very bad habit of doomy forecasting (too much time online, suddenly widowed a few years ago) but one thing that would give me pause is the NHS. If the Tories succeed in privatising healthcare, what if we end up like America, where an accident can bankrupt you? Or higher education costs go up?

Sounds like you have enough to warrant seeing a financial advisor. Apparently the good ones really drill down and get you to clarify your values around money, your life goals, and your appetite for risk.

That said, it’s good for children to earn their own way. But I’ve had colleagues financially hamstrung by having to support elderly parents …. not ever being a financial burden in your kids is a huge boon.

I treat myself all the time- no guilt. I save for dc in an ISA as does DH. We have savings and money for a house deposit for them. We have private medical cover, life insurance, critical illness for us all.

Life is for living. Our best times are spending quality time on holiday and exploring different places.

Honestly this has never crossed my mind to feel guilty. I wasn't given any money by my parents so I have no expectation. I want to have no regrets that we enjoyed lovely time together as a family. I sadly know too many people who were lost far too young. Life is for living.