How do you justify treating yourself above saving for children?

[brimfulofsmashaonthe45ish]

Hi,

This is not a stealth boast - I'm trying to readjust my mindset as this is causing marital tension

We have two young children - toddler and 8 year old

We live in an affordable forever home. 5 bed, good area - can easily meet mortgage, eat and pay our bills without a second thought. DH and I are both quite senior Civil Servants - our employment is secure, pensions taken care of etc.

We have considerable savings for our two children. Our home is worth £350k, we have another property worth £250k and £150k in savings to be left to them

We drive normal cars. Nothing flash. VW Passat and an Audi A3. Both around 5 years old.

I'm happy enough. I don't need a flash car. My husband is getting to the stage where he thinks we should have a nice Merc or BMW. Or we should take the children to Florida for a £10k holiday. Or basically that we work hard and it would be nice to have something to enjoy.

I see his point. I've never wanted to be the goose that sits on the golden egg, but seems I've turned into one.

Every purchase I make, I now feel guilty as I could have saved that money for my children. Ffs. This started with "big purchases" and has now filtered down to me box dying my hair as opposed to spending £100 in the salon. I love that I can put £80 into their savings. But ultimately I know there has to be a happy medium.

I do happily spend money on my children, it's myself that I cannot justify.

Appreciate this post doesn't read well and I don't mean to offend, I'm just trying to see how others live more in the moment.

I came from a comfortable financial background, but my parents weren't attentive or affectionate

I try to right the wrongs by doing what I think is important, but I expect my children probably just want me to have fun with them

I think these things could be investigated with a counsellor, to find a better way.

You've already saved loads for your kids and invested in property for them, let yourself off the hook and live a little!

I'm intrigued that you remember the actual month you bought leggings from Next, that's borderline obsessive.

As an aside where do you live that you can get a 5 bedroom house 'in a good area' for £350k?

I'm the polar opposite of you, very much live for the moment and spend on holidays and nice things. But I don't save, instead just rely on my London house which I was extremely fortunate to buy before prices rocketed.

There is absolutely a happy medium to be had...

Why not find what feels comfortable

There's 150k saved for them, you don't want to lose any of that. So leave that

Then every month where you would save for them, save half in for them and half for 'family/luxuries' 150k is 75k each and it will continue to grow, 75k realistically is a lot of money, even if that was all they ever received as help it will have a big impact.

I would start to open up the monthly future savings and all talk together 'would you rather have 2 x cheaper hols or 1 x flashy hol' etc, let go a bit whilst feeling half is still going towards increasing savings

Speak to a financial adviser, OP. They will help you get the best from your money for your kids and that will maybe give you some sense of relief that it's being looked after and that you really can afford to use some of the surplus you have on yourselves while that money is being taken care of elsewhere.

My mum had a great financial adviser for a number of years and that's going to make the coming weeks a lot easier for us as she knows everything and will be coming to the house to see us and explain and handle everything she can. Maybe having some sort of external help in terms of showing you exactly what the situation is likely to be for your kids in 10/15/20 years would be helpful.

@loveinthe90s Northern Ireland, hence the access to grammar schools too.

I don't live in this development - but add 15k to that and you've a garage. About 25 minutes from Belfast.

However, over here is a political shambles so yano. Cheap housing, but we work hard for it.

This.

I came from poverty. DH came from poverty.

We studied hard, worked harder and in my case battled serious issues, to get to where we are now. Comfortable and know it will only get better (probably).

I am, and aim to continue, to give our children happy lives where they feel fulfilled and supported. Where they're springing from a board 3 levels higher than we did. But I'm not aiming to fund their adulthood.

@judpan I'm not at all.

That's the saying. I'm not saying that I share it. We have some really lovely neighbours and others who truly do sacrifice everything for their address - which I think is madness.

I'm no better, given I am sacrificing everything for my children and I look like the poorest person where I live.

Oh wow, that's a whole different universe of property prices!

But yeah you are doing really well so forget the fancy cars for the sake of it and enjoy the living part of your life!

Because its my money that I earn. I qm not just a parent, i am still my own person and if i want to spend my money on something then i will. We save a bit for the kids, but mothing major yet, i personally think the money is better spent on activities, holidays, classes, toys, trampolines, bikea etc etc, we can always earn more money but i want to enjoy their childhood.

Can you not agree that you'll put £x per month into your kids savings and (after bills and expenses) spend as you please.

I inherited some money from my parents when my DC were 14 and 11, after years of living (out of neccessity) on a pretty tight budget with few days out and fairly basic holidays. One of the most exciting things I did was take DD to buy the prom dress she wanted without thinking we'll look for something on ebay.
We've saved money and paid off credit cards but it's nice to have treats as well.
I have to say that I'm still pretty mean about the hairdressers (I'm quite low maintenance) and would probably class 2021 clothes as new if they were still in decent condition , but it's nice to take DD out for a meal when we're visiting a uni, or pick up some treats they like I the supermarket although I still look for special offers

Sorry more detail

I've £100k in Premium Bonds, and some in S&S ISA

Someone mentioned pensions.. I must get a look at this

I suppose one good thing is that you don't appear to be getting defensive from all these comments but this post makes you sound like a bit of a reverse snob. You seem to think you're better than people with nice cars because you shop in cheaper places and don't have fancy things. You say you don't much care about what others think of you and then in the next sentence you're judging others. So much to unpick here.

You say you want to right the wrongs of your parents who weren't affectionate but your reaction to that is to be tight and skrimp and save.

And why is someone with a nice house and an expensive car who has pushed their family budget to have that any worse than you? Simply because you perceive them not to have the same vast savings pot that you have? At least they are hopefully enjoying what they have earned.

The advice on this thread has been unanimous that you're not modelling healthy behaviour to your children and that you are saving for a rainy day that may never come at the potential expense of your enjoyment of life now. Try to take that to heart if you can.

Please don't look into this. You don't need any other financial target to obsess over.

There is another thread going at the moment about a woman in her early 40s who has been diagnosed with what appears to be a very aggressive and rare form of cancer and now faces the possibility of leaving her teenage son and husband. It might be worth a read to give you a bit of perspective. Life is short. Enjoy it whilst you can.

I'm really not a snob, I've probably accepted I'm just like my cornflakers in that I'm skimping to prioritise different things.

This thread has been terribly helpful.

I'm really trying to find middle ground so that I don't end up ostracising my husband, with resentful children and only my banking app to make me happy

I just wish I was more balanced. I find it so tricky to navigate and I can't exactly discuss it in real life

My friends are all at different life stages. I have wealthier friends, poorer friends and everything in between. It's just not something I'm comfortable discussing in real life

OP, I think this is a really good post. It was incredibly important to me when DC were small to think about what I wanted to spend money on. I wanted every penny to count, so had a similar process to you. I stopped doing anything that could be as easily done for less money. So I would definitely go for box hair dye not salon dye. I did my own brows, nails, facials, pedis, chose hair styles that grew out well so only needed cutting a few times a year not every 6-8 weeks. I didn't give a toss what car we drove so we carried on with our rickety old cheap Citroen so long as it still worked.

I wanted DC to have experiences. That was massively important to me. I'd rather we went on two shorter holidays a year to really interesting countries and stayed in self-catering airbnbs than had one lavish 5* all inclusive. I'd rather we saw a great theatre show once a month, sitting in the upper circle than once a year in the stalls. I just found ways to make the money go further, so we didn't spend everything but we did have a very active life together.

Just work out what really matters and how to enjoy it without breaking the bank, then set some money aside for their savings and some aside for living a good life and if you get a kick as I used to, out of living well on a tight budget, look for ways to do that too.

From the other side of this, My best friend had a mum who had the mindset like you, who sacrificed all her joy in things to make sure her children had money when she was gone. DF didn’t realise it as a child but as she grew up noticed it and as an adult looked back and realised it all.

when she sadly died she left a substantial amount to each of them and 4.5y later none of them have touched it because to them it doesn’t feel right that they have all this money whilst their mum wore old clothes, did her own hair, didn’t go away with friend and didn’t enjoy having the things she worked so hard to enjoy. There is an incredible amount of guilt with them all which of course is not what she planned or expected at all but unfortunately is what has happened.

They would all give the money back for one more day with her but knowing that isn’t realistic they wish they had done a big family holiday, that their mum had her her/nails done, bought clothes she wanted and felt good in, ate the food she wanted to eat not what was cheapest, went out for family meals more.

I get where you’re coming from to a point but please don’t let planning for the future have such a large affect on the now

Not sure what relevance M&S food etc has. I am wealthy and I shop at Aldi for 80% of our food. Why would I actively waste money on overpriced things? You're now confusing deprivation with just being sensible. Most people don't reach a comfortable standard of living whilst actively wasting money on the way there. You choose where you spend and where you save. You have a strategy or a broad philosophy about what's important to you. You sound directionless and like you've started to take pleasure in self denial. I'm surprised that other people haven't raised that being tight/frugal is active source of pleasure for some people (not me!!).

Also don't start judging the financial situations of others. You should know better than most that it's not always obvious what people have.

I do think your priorities are skewed and that's coming from someone who also struggles to treat myself! We're not as comfortable as you but do have a nice house, a car and enough to live comfortably. I'd say your cars are flashy!. We're currently saving for private school so my mindset is very much 'that's £100 that could go in the school fees pot' which some may not agree with but does feel more tangible than 'that's £100 I could just hand to my kids'. If private school wasn't on the radar damn right we'd be doing bigger holidays.

I don't think a nice, new car is frivolous. A new car doesn't break down, it doesn't need constant servicing or pricey repairs. You spend a lot of time in your car and you need to be able to rely on it to move your family around safely and efficiently. So buy the best you can afford.

Same with hairdressers. Box dyes look shit and are a false economy. It's always fairly obvious when someone has one. Sorry. I say that as someone who has used many a box dye in the past including when I bleached my hair to the texture of straw and it all snapped off. I was a working single parent at the time and couldn't afford the hairdressers. But you can. And now I can afford it myself, you won't catch me near a box dye. That doesn't mean I choose the most expensive hairdresser in town; you can still be careful with money without being tight or Scrooge-like.

You and your DH both work and have done well in your careers and have made good financial choices. That's why you are where you are. You deserve it. And therefore you deserve some nice things. But if you save like mad and hand everything to your DCs on a platter, they won't want to work for it. So you'll be doing them a disservice by not teaching them that you don't get something for nothing. And to be honest you'll likely be handing it over to the taxman or to a care home in later years in any case.

You can't just wish to be more balanced you have to unpick the reasons you are being as you are and do something about it.

And I said you sounded like a reverse snob not a snob- the sort of person who disapproves of buying a takeaway coffee because they can make their own instant coffee at home.

I also agree about not taking toddlers to Florida1 So many friends did long haul when their DC were small and we stuck to UK. Then when Dc were old enough to really appreciate it, we started heading off to USA etc, at a time when they'd remember it forever.

I think having the money has given us freedom…

But you’re doing nothing with it?!

Do you really want to be sat in your rocking chair in years to come with no memories of amazing times spent with your kids? Don’t you want them to have those same memories to look back on when you’re gone?

Sorry to be blunt but you’re crazy. Once you’re financially secure experiences and adventures are worth so much more than piles of cash in the bank doing sweet FA.

Also did you say you have £100k in premium bonds and no pension?! Sorry to be blunt, but some financial education might help more than anything.

My point was that the once per week shopping in M&S is our idea of a treat

It was detail to demonstrate where I'm at

I know some people who will happily do all their shopping there, and my goodness, sometimes I wish I could unclench and do it myself

I probably do get some sort of pleasure out of denial. I don't think of myself as a higher being, if anything I'm quite envious of people who can live in the moment I can't remember the last time I enjoyed myself. Thank you for raising that. I don't want to be in this situation.

This might also be relevant - but I also hoard annual leave at work. I cannot take a day off. I save it all up "just in case"

Even though if my just in case moment came up, my line manager would happily approve special leave etc.

I don't hoard possessions. I love throwing stuff out