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Original poster

Did you know how much of yourself you would sacrifice before becoming a mother?

132 replies

Toloveandtowork · 01/07/2023 20:48

I've been a mother for almost 17 years now. I have two and the youngest is 12.

Before becoming a mother, while I didn't have a rosy view of it, I had no idea how all-consuming it actually is. If someone had told me, I probably wouldn't have believed them. I didn't know about Mumsnet then.

I'm a lone parent which adds to it, but I'm creaking under the strain of having my life largely dictated by the children's needs and wants for this length of time.

There is a part of me that feels trapped (been feeling like this for at least 10 years) and panicked that I've had to put my own needs and personal growth on hold for so long. It feels terrible sometimes but I get on with it and have to keep on coping.

I'm so exhausted that I'm feeling a bit inarticulate at the moment, but wondered how many of you were also blindsided by the reality of it.

OP posts:
Maztek · 01/07/2023 20:49

Yes because my own mother told me repeatedly growing up how awful it was and how much she had sacrificed for me 🙄

Ive quite enjoyed it so far (I have a 9 and a 1 year old) but I do look forward to them being old enough to look after themselves so I can have some freedom back.

CherryLipgloss · 01/07/2023 20:50

Yes I agree OP. I love them so much but I'm I didn't realise beforehand how much of myself would be poured into my DC. And respect to you as a lone parent.

LifeAtForty · 01/07/2023 20:51

Hi. I hear you. I am lone parent (not by choice) of a 3 and 6 year old. It's all consuming and exhausting. Reading your post actually fills me with fear as I am still (naively?!) holding on to the hope that it gets better!!

wildfirewonder · 01/07/2023 20:52

I don't feel that way myself but I think it is very important for society to recognise that different people feel differently about the pressures of parenthood. Single parenting is extra hard.

SoulCaptain · 01/07/2023 20:52

I had no idea. I'm a shell of my former self and has significantly affected my physical and mental health

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 01/07/2023 20:53

I’m really sorry that is how you are feeling.
Motherhood for me was the missing piece to my jigsaw, my reason to live. I absolutely devoted myself to my boys and now they have children I still do. We are all different, my family is my everything.

Workbabysleeprepeat · 01/07/2023 20:55

I had no idea! It’s a stupid thing to say but I never really thought about the 24/7 responsibility and amount of supervision that is required when they are small particularly.
I would have hesitated before having kids if I knew just how all consuming it was going to be.

alwaysacatastrophe · 01/07/2023 20:55

I adopted and I had NO IDEA. They've literally stripped the joy out of me and I've totally lost myself. Not a lot I can do now. I'll just have to keep middling through until they're good to stand on their own two feet

plummyplum · 01/07/2023 20:56

I had no idea but i al thoroughly enjoying missing out on whatever for my dc.

However I think being a single parent is extremely difficult unless you have a lot of support or you're simply able to cope which I don't think most people easily can when they're genuinely slogging through it alone. Sorry you feel the way you do OP. It must be very difficult.

ANewAdventure · 01/07/2023 20:56

I had absolutely no idea. One of my darkest memories is sobbing in the night feeding my first, I just didn’t know who I was any more, totally lost my sense of self.

Five years on I feel a lot happier, I feel like I have found room for me in parenting. But having a good partner is a huge part of that, I think it would be very different if I was a single mother.

WingBingo · 01/07/2023 21:00

i remember learning that you can’t put newborns to bed.

why did nobody tell me this?

although I do look back on those days with rose tinted spectacles, I found it very hard.

now DS’ are 8&9 I am enjoyed it a bucket load more.

putthatdownsteve · 01/07/2023 21:00

It depends on your perspective and what you want from life though really.

I’ve been a mother for 21 years, since I was 22 years old. My youngest is 2, so I’ve a long way to go yet!

It’s what I wanted to do with my life though, be a sahm. I don’t feel I’ve missed out, I’ve travelled with my children, done all the festivals and things.

I never, ever had career ambitions, I never saw the end goal as work to make me happy or fulfil me. I just wanted to raise a family and be happy.

I completely get that other women feel differently though and it’s hard to feel as though you have lost yourself. Being a single parent is tough, with everything on you all the time.

saraclara · 01/07/2023 21:00

I never felt that I was sacrificing myself at all. But I can quite imagine feeling that way if I was a single mother.

I'm sure there's a world of difference between having an involved and available partner to share the load and enable the mum to have space for herself, and having to do everything and bear every responsibility, alone.

I feel for you.

PinkPlantCase · 01/07/2023 21:01

I think being a loan parent really increases how much of yourself you ‘loose’. Sorry I can’t think of a better word.

I only have 1 at the moment (another one on the way) but me and DH are so 50/50 it’s been fairly easy for me to keep up with a full time career. DH can cover nursery pick ups if there’s something after work I want to go to and we’re close by family who baby sit whilst me and DH go to a joint hobby every other week. Two salaries eases the general financial pressure of life so there’s still some money just for us.

If I’m totally done one evening I can just tap out and DH can do dinner and bedtime. Equally if he really needs a lye in I can take DC downstairs and if he wants to spend that quiet 2 hours scrolling on his phone or reading a book that’s his choice 😂

I mean ask me in 10 years time and I could have a completely different view but I do think having a supportive partner and family close by can really make a difference.

PurpleParadise · 01/07/2023 21:03

Mostly I did, I was prepared for the shift in priorities, the change in social life, the loss of friendships, all the emotional & social stuff.

What I wasn’t really prepared for was how much more challenging it is to earn money. It’s not just childcare fees, it’s the availability of quality childcare, and the many many many jobs that become impossible once you’re tied to childcare’s standard 9:00 - 5:00 schedule. I had my first in my early 20s and I’m now in my mid-30s still trying to move from a job into a decent career.

Chocolateship · 01/07/2023 21:05

I was surprised by the effect on my MH (I had PND and although thankfully have 'recovered' from that I've got other ongoing issues that whilst aren't related to being a mum day to day seem to have had their roots in pregnancy) which I guess have lost bits of me.

I think the relentlessness is a hard to fully appreciate as well, having a supportive partner, family and friends has helped keep a balance. I think without that i would have probably lost more of myself, whilst of course they dont force me out the door or whatever else their support towards me definitely reminds me that I'm important too, and if I do things I enjoy and that make me a better person then it makes me a better mum too.

popcornfrenzy · 01/07/2023 21:07

I hear ya OP - I've been a mum for 13 years and a single one for 10 of those. I've purposely tried to retain 'me' but I've sacrificed a lot for my children. I feel like my life is on pause until they grow and stand on their own 2 feet and don't need me.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 01/07/2023 21:08

Being a lone parent is a different type of intensity. It's just incredibly tiring being the only one that is responsible at all times. I'm finding it good now they are both late-teens, need some emotional support but physically so much more independent and I can do more of my own stuff, which I never fully stopped anyway. Hang in there!

WolfFoxHare · 01/07/2023 21:08

I had no idea. It took several years before I felt even remotely like myself again. It didn’t help that I was pretty much catapulted straight into early menopause within 2 years of having DC. I’m still not even vaguely what I was before.

Even saying that though, he’s still the best thing I’ve ever done and sometimes I’m gobsmacked that I made him from scratch. TBH I’m glad I didn’t know how truly dreadful the first years would be beforehand or I might not have had him.

SauvignonGrower · 01/07/2023 21:12

Absolutely no idea. Why were we no naive? I will say that since the youngest was 4 I've felt much better about my life and since the pandemic DH has really stepped up and fully co-parented which has made life much better. I can't imagine trying to do this alone. Flowers

Seeleyboo · 01/07/2023 21:14

I didn't think my body would to shit.

RuperttheBearHug · 01/07/2023 21:18

I hear you - I felt desolate by the time DC was about 18m. I remember saying to my DM “is this it? Is this my life now?” I was never that keen on the idea of having kids but DH gave me a clear ultimatum and so I threw myself at it. Sadly was bored, tired, quite liked mat leave, but the older DC got, the less I felt like a good mum and didn’t want to do the endless weird role play games and trips to the park and struggled to deal with normal child stuff.

DM reacted quickly and made it possible to reconnect with myself and fill a big void in my life with time and focus for me, that gave me most of what I needed. DH is very hands on and does the SAHD stuff these days as his job is very undemanding and I am able to work more and have more freedom than many. DC relies on DH for the practical/day to day stuff and me for bedtime, emotional support, arranging dates with friends, talking things through etc which DH can’t manage as well.

I would always make the same decisions if I went back in time as I would never want for DC not to be here but they aren’t “my world” and having spent my entire childhood lonely and desperately trying to please everyone but myself, my needs matter now and all my amazing family support me as they know I am a better parent because of it.

Return2thebasic · 01/07/2023 21:19

I think I was ready to give my all everything to my children. But I

  1. wasn't aware my own flaws posed a huge part of the challenge (I wasn't even aware of them; the children are like mirrors making me see myself in a different light.

  2. didn't know giving birth to a child meaning you are locked onto the constant worry for them forever... Like my own nearly 80 years old mum, still habitually worries if I could take care of myself (mid 40s...).

MsCactus · 01/07/2023 21:20

I don't feel like this at all - which I think is important to say because before I had children all I read were stories from women saying how hard it is, and it made me worried.

I do however have a super supportive OH, so anytime I want to do something he looks after the kids for me. So I basically feel like I get a break whenever I want.

Massive respect for being a single parent. Honestly if I was left a single parent I wouldn't be able to cope - I'd probably move in with my mum!

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 01/07/2023 21:24

I'm a lone parent and I understand what you mean. All I can say is that when my two turned 15 it became a lot easier and they were helpful, the oldest helped out with the youngest and now the oldest has left home and my youngest is 16 I am very nostalgic for their younger selves, I guess the grass is always greener!