Did you know how much of yourself you would sacrifice before becoming a mother?

[Toloveandtowork]

I've been a mother for almost 17 years now. I have two and the youngest is 12.

Before becoming a mother, while I didn't have a rosy view of it, I had no idea how all-consuming it actually is. If someone had told me, I probably wouldn't have believed them. I didn't know about Mumsnet then.

I'm a lone parent which adds to it, but I'm creaking under the strain of having my life largely dictated by the children's needs and wants for this length of time.

There is a part of me that feels trapped (been feeling like this for at least 10 years) and panicked that I've had to put my own needs and personal growth on hold for so long. It feels terrible sometimes but I get on with it and have to keep on coping.

I'm so exhausted that I'm feeling a bit inarticulate at the moment, but wondered how many of you were also blindsided by the reality of it.

I kept waiting for things to go back to normal, I REALLY struggled to let go of my old life. I thought if I just got up earlier, was more prepared, I'd be able to carry on as before. So it was sort of delayed shock and a slowly dawning realisation that this is the new normal. I also struggled with how my oh seemed to be continuing with his life as before. The resentment was huge, and probably ( definitely) destroyed our relationship. He was useless selfish and lazy and I never noticed until we had kids. They are a bit older now so work/ child care is easier and I make sure I have time for friends and hobbies. But now the reality of the financial cost is hitting me. Like I knew, but I didn't really KNOW.

I didn't. My childhood was fairly abusive and neglectful, so while I knew I wanted to do more/be better I never realised everything that it entailed. However, I didn't lose myself, more I found myself and healed a lot. I was pretty fucked up when I had DD (due to my background) but I grew and built confidence alongside her. Every "win" (basically just the next stage) was a boost. That being said it wasn't easy, it was exhausting, I hated the baby years and did cry a lot. "I broke the baby" was a common refrain in our house.
I definitely don't regret it, and it got better and easier (overall- there are still issues and niggles that wear me out/drive me bonkers). I expect the teen years will throw me for a loop again, but at the moment it's quite enjoyable .

I had no clue, I was young and naive and also a single parent.

My dd is also 17 and I really struggle remembering who I am beyond being a mother.

I think it depends what you mean by ‘yourself’. Before I became a mother I can’t say I really had a massive ‘purpose’ in life. I had a good career, kind of lived day to day. Since having children my life definitely has more meaning and purpose, although on a practical level the sacrifice has been not being able to have lie ins, having less money (temporary due to nursery fees!), less big holidays that kind of thing. But I don’t feel loosing these things are sacrificing myself iyswim. Since becoming a mother I’m happier in myself and more content, re discovered reading, taken up running, and come back to my religion (was lapsed for years) which has given me great meaning and purpose. So in a way I feel I’ve found myself?! But that’s not to say day to day life isn’t hard and boring and tiring with 2 little ones! And I do miss big nights out with DH, time with us two and lie ins. Hoping I’ll get these things back when I’m older.

You can't quite grasp it until it happens I think. A bit like sleepless nights. I suffer from insomnia so I thought it couldn't be any worse. Boy was I wrong!
Same with children - I thought I knew but clearly didn't quite grasp what it would entail.
Once it hit us, we decided to stick to one as we knew one more would stretch us too much, and it would be unfair on existing child. It was the right decision for us. We now have a good balance between child, work me time and couple time.

This resonates with me. I feel so sad seeing all the women here saying how lost they are.

I wonder if some of it has to do with how you frame the impact of motherhood on you. My life is totally different from how it was, I see my friends less, I don’t exercise the way I used to. My children frequently drive me round the bend and my youngest has stopped sleeping for some reason so I feel like I’ve been run over. But being a mum brings a whole level of joy I’d never experienced before. My children are part of me and I can’t imagine wanting my old life back.

I do get little chunks of time here and there for myself. I’ve just started a weekly hobby back up, wheeee DH valiantly does bedtime by himself. I work 80% and earn well; I have a decent career which I’m managing to fit around my children. I have a supportive DH and family close by who help out. I know these factors are massive in terms of making it all feel manageable. I don’t know how I’d do it as a single parent with no family support. I think the mums who do that are amazing.

I don’t feel like this at all. Being a mother is just part of my whole sense of self and I don’t feel as though I have sacrificed much of myself, of my essential being and personality, to be one. I did sacrifice a lot of sleep, 9 months of my body x 2, and quite a lot of my paycheque, but my children know me and my husband as full people with lives outside of being their parents. I’ve done this since birth, in very small ways at first, but I’ve always had a laser focus on keeping myself myself alongside the additional identity of Mother.

I feel like this sacrifice is quite an anglophone approach to parenting. I was brought up in lots of different countries across the world but particularly in one country in my late teens where the mothering culture was very different, with lots of emphasis on womanhood as well as motherhood. For example even in very wealthy who could afford it it’s rare for a woman to stay home, as it’s not seen as being good for the woman, the marriage or the child. It did me a lot of good and some of my friends from this country had children before I did so I saw the way they parent and copied it, basically, despite living in the UK.

I’m obviously aware here that some of the people who have commented earlier in the thread with children with high needs, disability, single mothers have much less room to cultivate a separate life, so this comes from a place of privilege that I’ve been able to do this.

I actually think not feeling like this partly comes down to what something a PP said on this thread - her children are her life’s work.

I don’t think it’s good to feel like that, for you or for the child. YOU are your life’s work. If you hold onto that as a concept it’s easier, I think.

The person I was before children was someone who had no focus. I was a drifter. I prioritised having a good time with friends over everything else. I'd often stay up until the early hours then crawl in to work with a hangover (even in my 30s!).
For me, having children made me grow up and have a more sensible, mature approach to life. It gave me a sense of purpose and a satisfaction, like I was actually doing something useful with my time.
Yes I didn't feel like "me" for those first few years. I struggled with having no time to myself. I was exhausted. Now my children are 12 and 10 I'm most definitely me again. I can pursue my old interests of going to see bands, spending time with friends etc. I just do everything in a much more sensible way, which is a good thing.

I had no idea. I thought it would take something out of me but I never felt the scale would be that big. I'm just a shadow of my former jolly, friendly, cheerful, extrovert self.

I had my first (eventually had four) when I was a teenager, so I've never known adulthood as anything buy being 'a mother'.
In many ways, I think this oddly helped and I've found their childhoods so fulfilling.
It has been hard at times though, of course!

But what I really wasn't prepared for, was the realisation that emotionally, it's not just an 18 year deal and then poof they take care of themselves. As mine have come in to adulthood I have realised that I will never stop worrying, that I will never stop feeling that my happiness is entirely dependent on theirs.

It's been quite the shock!

I knew having children would be a slog. My mum was a lone parent with no assistance from my dad. I didn't want that life for myself.

Got pregnant at 40, was married and ok financially so thought "why not?" ExH left when child was 5 and moved hundreds of miles away. Pays CM but nothing over the minimum. DC has ADHD and it's been hard. Ironically although lockdown was hard, at least everyone was in the same boat locked up at home unable to go out. The loss of freedom has been the hardest thing, having to take DC everywhere with me - to the hairdresser, even a dental hygienist appointment. Now getting a bit of freedom back but it's taken a toll.

Like PP above in the early days I thought there would be time for me, a new relationship and another life but I don't think that's going to happen for me now.

I love my child but it has hollowed me out and now that I'm post menopausal I can't bring the same passion to parenting and think it probably shows.

Like others, I didn't have a clue. I'm teaching my DD differently--educating her to the tribulations plus potential emotional/financial/physical impact of having children so she has some awareness for if/when she has her own. I also highlight the joys of it too.

I think what you are saying though here is that the pressure of being a lone parent leaves almost no time for yourself, and if your children at are a difficult age, or having problems as teens, that's absolutely true. It's not a question of prioritising yourself or making sure you don't lose yourself, that's what I've always done, but if you are working f/t and a lone parent, then simply surviving the week and getting the children's needs met probably is all you can manage, and thus all the stuff around the edges that makes you feel you (so seeing friends, hobbies, downtime) just goes out the window. I even found work so tiring as well that I didn't enjoy it or feel it reflected well on me for a long while. Now I have more space and capacity as kids older and fewer problems, I can enjoy both work and have other stuff in my life.

you are in the trenches, but it honestly will get better if your youngest is 12, one thing is for them to be able to be left alone and travel alone around their city/to school/to friends, that will make a big difference, being the sole taxi driver is exhausting.

I don't feel like I have sacrificed myself in some kind of martyrish choice, the sacrifice was unwilling but in the absence of anyone else to run the household, work f/t, be both mum and dad (and for anyone with disabled/extra needy kids that's double for all this) some of me and my needs had to go. It's that simple. But you are still in there and the time will come to get back to yourself more.

I'd also say check if there's a reason you are burning out right now, is it emotional, physical, menopause, vitamin deficiency, anaemia, Long Covid- and start trying to work on that as having more energy will make you feel less overwhelmed.

I was always on the fence about children and didn’t know how I’d find it but I actually find it pretty easy, and am a single parent now. I honestly don’t feel I’ve given anything of myself up, in fact it’s grounded me and made me feel a much better, more rounded and happy person.

not telling this to be mean but I don’t agree with the default view that motherhood destroys you

I’ve 2 with autism / adhd / learning difficulties,they will never leave home .
I’ve spent today cleaning the loo from where the 23 year old left his huge shit stuck to the side again ..it’s a regular occurrence,,I’m just great full he actually gets it in the loo.
,I sorted and washed all his clothes again ,because he constantly gets dirty and clean mixed up ,or just leaves on his floor to get covered in food ,then I packed clothes for both of them ,as we are attempting a mini break tomorrow..but it will all be dictated by what they want to do .
25 years of putting 4 kids and a dh before myself,to the point I don’t even know what I like or don’t like anymore..someone asked me what my favourite foods were this week ,I genuinely had no idea ,but I know exactly what all 4 kids like and don’t like .
my resentment is sky high ,the 4 of them are selfish individuals,
I can’t even see a future for myself,just more of the same ,keeping on top of the mess they make ..
stupidy I added 2 dogs to the mix ,trying to give the other 2 kids some normality…idiot that I am ,I just gave myself more work to do

Nope, not a clue. They’ve brought us a huge amount of love and joy, but I had no clue whatsoever that my life would be taken over by them to such an extent. They’re teens and adults now so we’re through the stages you go through with young children but we’re now dealing with different issues that require our support and advice. I work f/t, have my own hobbies and friends, but first and foremost I’m a mum and so that means sacrificing things at time. We didn’t have family close by, so we were completely on our own and never really felt we got a break from it all - hopefully we’ll be geographically closer to our own grandchildren to take some of the weight off.

I felt like I lost my identity andy life and I still do . I always thought that being a mum was the most fulfilling thing I could do with my life , I was wrong. I was 19 when we had our first and gave up a lot of dreams and asperations that I will never get back and achieve. Our kids are adult now and after everything we invested they have very little time for us unless they want something which makes me feel even worse about the dedication i gave . I love them so much but I am relieved that there isn't a magic wand to go back because I know that given that chance I would not become a parent 😔.

Because I was so young when I had my eldest (23 and just finished my master's degree) I didn't even know who I was back then. I feel I went from child, to student, to mother. So I really know no different. I guess 'mother' is wrapped up in the identity I have for myself. I'm pregnant with my third now, at 36. I married now DH when DD1 was three.

I know women who did everything the 'right' way, getting married, buying a house, career then babies and found the transition much tougher.

Yes, I suppose a large part of it is having had my children late and having a fulfilling life before them, the loss of freedom and agency hit hard. Single motherhood too of course.

I also thought I might find someone else, go back to my previous career and travel again, but it hasn't seemed possible because the situation feels too overwhelming a good bit of the time.

I actually get a fair amount of downtime due to the 12- year-olds hobby, but the few hours here and there always has the cut off time.

Maybe I'd I'd had them very young, I wouldn't feel like this.

I could have written this post. I recently went to the dentist for the first time in 6 years, opticians 10 years, hairdresser 3 years. It’s hardcore parenting but with tons of forms and meetings, emails, research, phone calls………..

I had my children at 32 and 37. I felt really ready and don't feel as if I’ve missed out on partying etc. But it’s the utter relentless of it. Every single day.

After 11 years of giving myself to them emotionally and physically there’s barely anything of me left. All this pouring from an empty cup - well, yes, I’d love to fill my cup.

Unfortunately my “break” is a relentlessly busy job. After rushing off from that every day I’m the emotional sponge and dogsbody for the evening until bedtime when I’m exhausted and it all starts again.

Add in elderly parents and any kind of additional activity and it’s overwhelming.
I am coping by lowering my standards on everything but it feels like firefighting.

I am glad they are getting older as I’ve got a limit to how much I can take.

But I don’t regret it, I love them so much and they are wonderful. It’s just exhausting.

I had all of my kids young so "mother" has almost always formed a part of my adult identity. It is a part that I love and wouldn't be without but it certainly isn't all that I am.

I have hobbies and interests and have been able to carve out a career in an area I'm interested in as the kids have grown older and I've become more self-aware.

At one stage I was a young single parent with little support and I did find this very difficult at times, there have also been times before my DH found his feet in fatherhood that were very hard.

I do think it takes a village, and having family support makes a huge difference.

I had my one DS by choice (timing and number) at 39, and while I hated the baby stage, partly because of circumstances (living somewhere I was lonely, DS v high needs, no support), I haven’t generally felt parenthood has been much of a sacrifice. As others have said, I’ve obviously made some compromises, like not moving around so much internationally (will stay where we are now till DS finishes school), but I’m much the same person I was. DS is still high-needs, but fabulous. Generally he feels like a great addition to my life.