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Original poster

Did you know how much of yourself you would sacrifice before becoming a mother?

132 replies

Toloveandtowork · 01/07/2023 20:48

I've been a mother for almost 17 years now. I have two and the youngest is 12.

Before becoming a mother, while I didn't have a rosy view of it, I had no idea how all-consuming it actually is. If someone had told me, I probably wouldn't have believed them. I didn't know about Mumsnet then.

I'm a lone parent which adds to it, but I'm creaking under the strain of having my life largely dictated by the children's needs and wants for this length of time.

There is a part of me that feels trapped (been feeling like this for at least 10 years) and panicked that I've had to put my own needs and personal growth on hold for so long. It feels terrible sometimes but I get on with it and have to keep on coping.

I'm so exhausted that I'm feeling a bit inarticulate at the moment, but wondered how many of you were also blindsided by the reality of it.

OP posts:
Return2thebasic · 01/07/2023 21:24

OP, you've done brilliantly, for 17 years... Hope you find it easier when they grow more independent and hope you could find your own compass again.

70sTomboy · 01/07/2023 21:26

I was completely in the dark. I soon realised that tv/book/ fiction family life bore no resemblance to the realities. I hated every moment. Parenthood is the one job in life that you can't quit or go back on.

It's all my own fault. I should never have believed the 'it's only a phase', 'they will grow out of it, 'you will look back and miss the years' bullshit that I was fed by DH, family, doctors, HV etc.
I made the best of it though, did my best with my poor life choices.

Mine are all grown up now, and I still haven't found my feet. I can never recover my youth, ambitions I had, opportunities I missed, and am looking forward to poverty in old age.
Ironically, I have very good adult relationships with all of them, and they certainly don't hold anything against me. Two have had more sense than I ever had and don't have DC, the one that does could keep MN going in threads for years! 😁

pointythings · 01/07/2023 21:27

I don't think I've sacrificed anything, but then I've always wanted children and I've also not given up work to be a mother - financial necessity, but I'm glad I maintained my career and my independence. Their dad was pretty good with some bumps until he lost his mother and descended into alcohol addiction so I ended up lone parenting when they were in their teens, but that was pretty great too. They're adults now and we're incredibly close.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 01/07/2023 21:28

Not a clue! Saying that I definitely lost a lot more of myself as a carer to ageing parents than as a mum. I’m still lost

mondaytosunday · 01/07/2023 21:33

I had no idea. I was surprised to find out I am not a natural mother. I didn't have my kids til I was in my 40s, and resented the all encompassing effort it took. My kids slept well so I was never exhausted, but need quite a bit of alone time and of course that doesn't happen with kids! Plus I stopped being Monday and was X's ir Y's mum. It was like the first 40 years of my life didn't exist.

teoi · 01/07/2023 21:35

I became a parent aged 19 and it's not something I thought too much about as a teenager. I was a single parent too for most of my dc1's life, and he is disabled so I was unable to work. But I don't think the sacrifices I made were a real shock to me, even at that young age. I'm always surprised when parents comment about how hard it is to have to be responsible and miss out on things now they're a parent - it just seemed obvious to me that it has to be that way.

When I had more dc when I was older and in a relationship and financially secure, I found it comparatively easy with all the extra support in place. I'd hear women (who were in the same secure situation as me) saying it's the "hardest thing they've ever done", which just made me think they must have had a pretty charmed life, because raising dc with no financial worries and a partner on tap and plentiful childcare was really not that hard.

Nconebillion · 01/07/2023 21:36

OP - I really feel your pain. I am pretty sure circumstances play a huge role in this. I’ve been a single parent for (pretty much) 14 years. I think I was surviving it all pretty well (only 1 DC) until I got into a relationship about 8 years in. Thought it was going to be forever, got pregnant (jointly planned), then 5 months into pregnancy discovered he was a cheater and abusive, so obviously he had to go.

I do love my small one so deeply, but I don’t know how to get over the knowledge that having that relationship (and an additional DC) has irreparably damaged my relationship with my first born, my availablity to be a good mum to both children (worry, exhaustion etc etc) as well as my work and financial situation. The last four years have been nothing but an uphill battle and the thought that I could have been nearing the finish line in reasonable shape and instead I have another 15-20 years to go just breaks me.

I really feel your pain. I have no solution (would love it if someone rocks up with one). But just a sending you a big hug because it is just SO grindingly, unremittingly hard.

Shortkiwi · 01/07/2023 21:37

I had my first 2 children within 12 months and found it extremely difficult. I went from living in London in a well paid job to living in the North and being a full time Mum. Looking back I became isolated and depressed. This carried on for a while and I remember expressing how much I regretted having children. Fast forward another child much later and they are now all grown up and have left home. I absolutely adore them. I just wasn’t good/appreciative of the early years.

SallyWD · 01/07/2023 21:41

I think I knew but the actual reality of living through it was still a shock.
I definitely lost myself in those early years. I just seemed to exist for the children. I was no longer me.
However, I've started to re-emerge as the children have got older. They're now 12 and 10 and really spend a lot of time in their rooms. I'm definitely feeling like me again. Music and gigs were always a big part of my life and I've started doing that again, seeing friends - just having a bit of a life that's separate to the children.

Melroses · 01/07/2023 21:41

No.

coxesorangepippin · 01/07/2023 21:42

Nope. I didn't realise I'd have extra 40 nails to cut every week

Along with everything else

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 21:49

Single parent here, no support, ex who makes life v challenging (though finally close to settling matters legally which will help).

I didn't know how hard it would be, and for how long. I don't find motherhood itself draining / all-consuming. I love being a mother, and always wanted DC.

I do find single parenthood v hard; made harder by so little support & even less understanding.

I work f/t, senior-ish role; love my work & it keeps me sane as it's 'me'. Some weeks are better than others but this week I'm shattered. My kids do so much so need me physically but dear God the emotional & administrative load that comes with teens. There Is Always Something. From exams, to health, to friendships. I feel like I drop the ball perpetually & keep discovering new costs / challenges - yesterday's shock was how much my boys' haircuts add up to - cheap at the time but they need them so often.

Anyway solidarity OP. 👊

JimnJoyce · 01/07/2023 21:53

I had DD in
my 40's and did an awful lot with my life before that so I dont feel I've lost out. However my marriage broke down pretty quickly after having DD and ive now been a lone parent to an autistic child for 11 years with multiple health issues of my own.
Its def not how I thought my life would be.

everythingisgoingup · 01/07/2023 21:54

EarringsandLipstick

Teens absolutely 😱

Like toddlers with skilled language 😂

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 21:54

I should say, I think if I was in a happy marriage sharing parenting with a decent father, it would be different.

I found having babies & small DC fine, largely. I really wanted DC. I didn't mind sleep deprivation then as back then I didn't need a lot of sleep.

I was never huge on drinking / nights out & already tended to like the kind of things kids fitted into quite well, like having people over for dinners, walks, coffees.

But without a partner for me and parent for my DC, the weight of responsibility is crushing. I've no one to talk to about it. My family don't get it.

I get some stuff right. But I also drop the ball more than I like. As all parents do, of course, but it feels more.

Right now I'm wasting time on MN with lots to do, too tired to do it after a busy day at sports, and nearly too lethargic to go to bed ... compounding the problem.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 21:56

everythingisgoingup · 01/07/2023 21:54

EarringsandLipstick

Teens absolutely 😱

Like toddlers with skilled language 😂

I love that!!! 'Toddlers with skilled language'.

I had tears in my eyes today dealing with 14 yo DS who had yet again failed to do a very simple task he had been repeatedly asked to do. Normal teen stuff (and he can be great at times). But the sheer frustration of listening to my own voice brought me to tears!

Bubbles100 · 01/07/2023 21:58

I didn’t fully realise but I wouldn’t change it.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 21:59

God @Nconebillion just read your post. 💔

That's incredibly hard - not the solo parenting (though it is) but the shit, heart-breaking betrayal & circumstances your ex left you in.

You're doing great. And I don't think there's a simple way to say 'it can be better' - I think being there for your DC and recognising it's hard, is the best you can do.

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/07/2023 21:59

It's not how I feel personally but I'm not a single parent and have a husband who shares the load.

I had a short maternity leave and work full time which I think helped/helps too.

Though I only have a 7 month old but I don't think I'll feel differently when he's older.

stargirl1701 · 01/07/2023 22:00

No, I didn't. DD1 is autistic and there nothing left of the person in me. I'm in my sixth different anti-depressant in five years. It's about survival and endurance, I guess. Not sure I have the endurance for this.

Justforthesecretstuff · 01/07/2023 22:00

Yes entirely.

Parenting coupled with 2 chronic conditions means I ended up having to give up my career too as I couldn't cope physically with it all. So I have no identity beyond mummy.

I find it completely consuming and definitely feel trapped a lot.

I hate the lack of freedom. As much as I love dc I wish I could take a break and just put my needs first occasionally.

Justforthesecretstuff · 01/07/2023 22:03

I realise I worded that wrong.

I entirely agree that I wasn't prepared for how much of myself I would have to sacrifice. Which is basically everything.

I don't think anyone could possibly expect it until they go through it.

avocadotofu · 01/07/2023 22:03

No.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 22:03

@stargirl1701 @JimnJoyce

Reading your posts too - it must be a completely different scenario & reevaluation of parenthood when you are dealing with additional needs to the extent you both describe. 😞

Whattodowithit88 · 01/07/2023 22:06

I don’t think being a mother is the problem for me, my kids are great, it’s how the father would turn out that I didn’t see coming, which was a kick in the teeth because he was so great at first!