Did you know how much of yourself you would sacrifice before becoming a mother?

[Toloveandtowork]

I've been a mother for almost 17 years now. I have two and the youngest is 12.

Before becoming a mother, while I didn't have a rosy view of it, I had no idea how all-consuming it actually is. If someone had told me, I probably wouldn't have believed them. I didn't know about Mumsnet then.

I'm a lone parent which adds to it, but I'm creaking under the strain of having my life largely dictated by the children's needs and wants for this length of time.

There is a part of me that feels trapped (been feeling like this for at least 10 years) and panicked that I've had to put my own needs and personal growth on hold for so long. It feels terrible sometimes but I get on with it and have to keep on coping.

I'm so exhausted that I'm feeling a bit inarticulate at the moment, but wondered how many of you were also blindsided by the reality of it.

I had dd in my 40s and by then I did have a pretty clear idea of the consequences and I knew, since I had a life not very computable with motherhood, that it was going to be tough. I wouldn't say 'sacrifices' but a LOT of compromises and as a pp said - I made choices based on my new situation as a mother that meant giving up a great deal that mattered to me. She is absolutely the centre of my world and no regrets - but it has been hard and sometimes the lack of freedom and horrible impact on my career has made me miserable. She goes to uni this autumn and otoh I am sad at the end of an era and her not being always around - but also I have a new FT job and I'm looking forward to getting some of my core self back up front instead of buried under layers of parenting. I didn't think I'd get 'me' back so much - it CAN happen.

As another pp said - a very major impact is the worry - and that I can't be happy if she is unhappy. Pretty tough in the turbulent teen years.

I work with mainly younger childfree people and it does feel like I am coming from another planet. Dh said he has a 'work persona' where he doesn't refer to family/village life. I just don't have that - I am her mother 24/7 and my conversation is always peppered with that, like it or not.

My sons are now in their 20s and I don't feel I've sacrificed anything of myself and now I'm wondering if I've been mumming wrong all these years.

I mean I've been knackered, sacrificed lots of sleep and spent a lot of money but I don't think I've lost myself in any way.

I suppose a big factor is what life was like before as to how much you've had to sacrifice or not. One of my friends says she doesn't get the hype around people saying having children changes a lot, but her reality before children was staying in and watching films and working. Nothing wrong with that, but there's less to sacrifice if that's the things that interest you and you enjoy doing compared to say if travel is a core part of your life etc.

I went into it rather blind. I had three by the age of 26. I’m 34 and they’re now 13, 11 and 8. I’m very weary but my only saving grace is I had them when I did. Young enough to still see light at the end of the tunnel. I can understand why many women just simply don’t bother these days though. It’s a lot of hard work that you don’t forsee but I guess that’s life, you can’t live it backwards.

Agreed, but you can flip that as well. I had my son at 39, and having spent the previous twenty years travelling, studying, moving countries/continents for the hell of it, working, enjoying friendships and having a generally good time, it didn’t feel like a big deal to take a few years out, as I’d had a lot of fun times and knew I’d have them again. I imagine I’d have felt differently at 22.

Before having my dc, I was out every night. Not "out, out", but doing things (sports, volunteering, singing, and socialising in the pub). Yes, the tiny baby year / sleep deprivation years are different, but as the dc got to an age when they were taking part in things, then those things became the next communities in my life. New friends, more people I knew. Not sure how making more friends is a sacrifice.

I think if you are a person that joins in and takes part in things, then you continue to do that, with dc.
Like @ClymYeobright , I'd also done a fair bit of traveling and holidaying before I had dc, so again, didn't feel I'd missed out by having dc - I'd already done that, and, now we can leave our adult dc, we are starting to do that again, as I see so many of my peers doing.
The 'having youngish children' is a phase of your life, which, if you live on to a 'typical' age of 80 plus, is only quite a small part of your adult life.

I was a single parent from when my dc was 1.5. My choice it was an unhappy marriage and I shouldn't have really got pregnant. I was OK with most custody until covid hit and I was working as a key worker and doing an hour trip to work every day with no support. So from the ages 2 to 4 I felt quite angry all this was on me.