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Original poster

Did you know how much of yourself you would sacrifice before becoming a mother?

132 replies

Toloveandtowork · 01/07/2023 20:48

I've been a mother for almost 17 years now. I have two and the youngest is 12.

Before becoming a mother, while I didn't have a rosy view of it, I had no idea how all-consuming it actually is. If someone had told me, I probably wouldn't have believed them. I didn't know about Mumsnet then.

I'm a lone parent which adds to it, but I'm creaking under the strain of having my life largely dictated by the children's needs and wants for this length of time.

There is a part of me that feels trapped (been feeling like this for at least 10 years) and panicked that I've had to put my own needs and personal growth on hold for so long. It feels terrible sometimes but I get on with it and have to keep on coping.

I'm so exhausted that I'm feeling a bit inarticulate at the moment, but wondered how many of you were also blindsided by the reality of it.

OP posts:
megacat · 01/07/2023 22:10

Mine is adult now and holy shit it is STILL hard! In different ways of course but the last 18 years have been a struggle and it continues.
I've done it all alone and it's really heartwarming to see the posts acknowledging that single parenting is a different experience to good shared parenting. But either way it's difficult. I have dreams of sitting on a beach one day cocktail in hand Shirley valentine style without a care in the world.

twofojoy · 01/07/2023 22:11

I think I had a slight idea of how all consuming it was as I have siblings much much younger than me so I got a bit of an insight.

Luckily, I very much enjoy - for the most part - being a mother. I have a supportive DH which massively helps , I have a good work/life balance with DC attending nursery/school /clubs so I get little breaks here and there in the form of the odd hour or 2 in the week.

The thing that has knocked me off my feet is the constant worry/anxiety that I'm doing it wrong. DC are still only 3 and 5. I am just constantly filled with worry/guilt that I'm not doing enough , or that other children have it better than them and have better mums, I question every decision I make in regards to them and just worry that they will have resentment towards me when they're older. This mainly stems from my own childhood trauma and a bit of post natal anxiety that never left me. I wish I knew how all consuming the guilt and over thinking would be so I could prepare better.

NooNaNa · 01/07/2023 22:13

I love them and I try to put everything I have to give into them. I am full of anxiety and stress and I have little fun or freedom as I'm run ragged meeting their needs.

Chenford · 01/07/2023 22:15

alwaysacatastrophe · 01/07/2023 20:55

I adopted and I had NO IDEA. They've literally stripped the joy out of me and I've totally lost myself. Not a lot I can do now. I'll just have to keep middling through until they're good to stand on their own two feet

x 2

❤️❤️

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 01/07/2023 22:17

coxesorangepippin · 01/07/2023 21:42

Nope. I didn't realise I'd have extra 40 nails to cut every week

Along with everything else

😂 yep I'm not organised enough to do every week on a set day but i look and them and thing Again? Already!?!

hellosummer23 · 01/07/2023 22:17

putthatdownsteve · 01/07/2023 21:00

It depends on your perspective and what you want from life though really.

I’ve been a mother for 21 years, since I was 22 years old. My youngest is 2, so I’ve a long way to go yet!

It’s what I wanted to do with my life though, be a sahm. I don’t feel I’ve missed out, I’ve travelled with my children, done all the festivals and things.

I never, ever had career ambitions, I never saw the end goal as work to make me happy or fulfil me. I just wanted to raise a family and be happy.

I completely get that other women feel differently though and it’s hard to feel as though you have lost yourself. Being a single parent is tough, with everything on you all the time.

It just puts you in a vulnerable position if you don't have financial security.

FuppingEll · 01/07/2023 22:23

I don't know that I've lost myself as such, mine are teens now so i get a fair bit of time for me, definitely I find it all quite baffling at the moment though.

My eldest is 16 and got the bus to the city today to meet a friend or so he told us. He came home and I was chatting to him while making food like how was your friend type of stuff and he goes I lied. I wasn't meeting a friend, I joined the socialist party today and spent the day handing out anti racist flyers then we went to a cafe and debated marxism. My dd is walking around a curious shade of orange with spider legs attached to her eyelashes and fake nails like dinosaur claws. I'm only in my 30s but they manage to make me feel very old and very out of touch.

Im not very well at the moment with a chronic illness so I just take the peace when I can get it, roll with the punches and try to see the humour in it all.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 01/07/2023 22:24

@FuppingEll you seem like you haven't lost your sense of humour! I know it's hard when they are yours, but your teens seem entertaining at least.

Nconebillion · 01/07/2023 22:25

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 21:59

God @Nconebillion just read your post. 💔

That's incredibly hard - not the solo parenting (though it is) but the shit, heart-breaking betrayal & circumstances your ex left you in.

You're doing great. And I don't think there's a simple way to say 'it can be better' - I think being there for your DC and recognising it's hard, is the best you can do.

Thank you so, so much for your kind words.

There are respects in which I know I’m really fortunate, and I really do try and hang onto those things. But what you said about the sheer weight of the responsibility… so, so true.

It’s been an isolating few years. But I know it’s been that way for many people for a variety of reasons, and I do feel so much for people who have children with additional needs, or their own significant health challenges alongside etc I’m sure I couldn’t cope with those things..

Doesn’t change the fact that right now I’m just lying in the dark crying because even typing my pp brought so many things to the surface, that I usually try and stuff on a daily basis just to function.

I really do relate to OP and to what you said about being too lethargic to go to bed etc. It is comforting to know there are people who understand (even if I don’t know any of them irl 🤣)

ReleasetheCrackHen · 01/07/2023 22:26

I don’t understand the question. But then I raised my younger siblings from when I was 7, so I went from mothering them to mothering my own. Being a mother is part of my identity. So I don’t feel like I lost or sacrificed anything because I never had whatever it is you had to begin with.

blueshoes · 01/07/2023 22:26

When you become a mother, you don't lose your life but it is now mortgaged forever. I was shocked at how much motherhood took out of me (2 very difficult babies). After a while you develop Stockholm syndrome and then it becomes your whole life and is all you know. Now dcs are late teens, dh and I are getting our lives back. It is great and I also have my dcs, which is my life's work.

Grumpigal · 01/07/2023 22:28

Good god no, I know no idea.

It’s not just the obvious things like time, sleep, money etc but the invisible sacrifices like always putting yourself at bottom of the list for care, arranging your life around their activities, friends, school, thinking about their health and well-being before our own, spending endless hours worrying about them, planning for them, life admin, emotional toil…. It all comes with a sacrifice of our own self.

Not to say I didn’t think it would be hard but the thought of what motherhood would be and the reality are different. My life is not my life now, and I never knew it was an almost all consuming takeover tbh

Whydoievenbother · 01/07/2023 22:29

Absolutely agree with you. I'm a SAHM and really struggling, I had no idea (stupidly) that it really is a 24/7 job. As much as I love my DC, I'm not sure I'd choose it again. I also feel he deserves better, than a mum who feels this way.

sarahc336 · 01/07/2023 22:30

I had no idea no, it's very much changed me as a person. I'm not saying for the worse or the better but defo changed me.

Mysleepisbroken · 01/07/2023 22:32

I didn't think I'd sacrifice so much of my career, my income, my hobbies and my independence, however that's because I didn't take into account the effect of love.

I didn't flush my career down the toilet because i had kids, but because I had a living to spend time with them that wasn't compatible with 90 hour weeks. I didn't sacrifice my hobbies because I'm a mum, but because my littlest is so sad at my absence and I'm only happy if she is happy.

I could have kept it all, but I was a different person, with different priorities.

In reality, I've also sacrificed a lot more because once of my children has a serious illness. I'd sacrifice everything I've got for them, which pre children me would have thought was ridiculous.

PissOffJeffrey · 01/07/2023 22:34

Yeah, I think I did because my life never really had a plan or sense of purpose before I had DS1.

I was only 22 (just) so I am not saying I wouldn't have found that meaning without children, but I think I always knew it was a huge challenge.

Surlaplage · 01/07/2023 22:35

I'm sorry to all of you who are struggling. I don't feel the same as I feel like the 'mother' was the real me and I found my true self when I became one. If I get a decent chunk of sleep at night, I can handle anything. A lack of sleep is what tips me over the edge but generally speaking, I love motherhood but I think there are a lot of positive factors in my circumstances which made things easier still.

changeyerheadworzel · 01/07/2023 22:38

I was fine until the teenage years. They floored me and I really lost myself. In fact I am still lost. I loved the early years though. Now not so much..

Original poster
Toloveandtowork · 01/07/2023 22:40

@Grumpigal that's s it, - the sacrifice of my own self. And being thethered to another and the loss of freedom.
Maybe I'll get over it one day.

Thanks for all the replies and solidarity to those suffering in a similar situation.

To top it all off, one of mine has ADHD and is often so hyperactive that I instinctively recoil inwardly when he's bouncing around, making shrill sounds that jiggle my nerves and won't let up.

It's torturous at times and this has gone on for years. I'm sure it causes PTSD.

I was telling a childfree friend how hard it is and she said 'wear it like a mantle.' That made me realise that I had nothing to put under a mantle, a total loss of self. Hard to recover from but I'm trying. Meanwhile the relentlessness continues.

I had a good life before with an interesting job involving foreign travel.

OP posts:
fudgepie12 · 01/07/2023 22:43

Oh OP I'm sorry you feel that way, I'm not sure what to say but I'm sure you're not alone. I became a mum quite young, out of uni, so I've never known any different which I think has helped in some regards. I've always been quite firm in setting boundaries to preserve pieces of me, that's easy for me to say with a supportive partner, family and healthy children though.

Original poster
Toloveandtowork · 01/07/2023 22:44

@blueshoes I can see the Stockholm syndrome thing and I've resisted it I think because I'm wide awake to the sacrifices it has taken.
Maybe that's why I so keenly feel the loss of self and the loss of freedom.

OP posts:
NadjaCravensworth1 · 01/07/2023 22:48

Absolutely. Totally unexplainable to a new mother. I have to say I have a 15 month old and am obsessed with her so I never begrudge it but I'm sure I will find it more difficult as she gets older. All consuming is definitely the term. But it's hard to explain to someone just how overwhelming this consumption is.

Trainsplanesandfeet · 01/07/2023 22:49

I didn’t no although I knew it was ‘a big deal’ i just didn’t realise how that would actually be in reality. I did find the lack of personal space and time really hard when they were little.

When they got older I wanted it to take more of me as I actually then found their independence hard as they are my favourite people and I would happily have them around us all the time! It’s trying to find joy in something other than being a mum that I find hard as they get older. Nothing brings me as much joy or fulfilment.

But I caveat all this in that I have a very supportive loving partner and a good family network. I also had the financial security to work part time even when they were older. I suspect all that has been key to how I feel. I would have struggled hugely as a single parent. I think it’s an enormous challenge.

dadoodoodoo · 01/07/2023 22:49

I think the thing I find hard is that I have no control over my own happiness. I have two teens with additional needs who are both struggling and unhappy. My life has a lot going for it but it is impossible to be happy, or at least content, if your children are miserable. Whoever said you are only as happy as your least happy child nailed it.

wifeofmyman · 01/07/2023 22:56

I had no idea of the full impact.

I had to give up a hobby that I joined daily sometimes several times a day. When younger this hobby literally saved me from so much pain and suffering in my family no one on the outside could see.

I wouldn't change anything as dc are my world but I did not realise the impact- but people who don't spend much time with dc or leave them with grandparents (for example) for hours wouldn't have as much impact.

IMO DC are well worth the changes.