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Original poster

Did you know how much of yourself you would sacrifice before becoming a mother?

132 replies

Toloveandtowork · 01/07/2023 20:48

I've been a mother for almost 17 years now. I have two and the youngest is 12.

Before becoming a mother, while I didn't have a rosy view of it, I had no idea how all-consuming it actually is. If someone had told me, I probably wouldn't have believed them. I didn't know about Mumsnet then.

I'm a lone parent which adds to it, but I'm creaking under the strain of having my life largely dictated by the children's needs and wants for this length of time.

There is a part of me that feels trapped (been feeling like this for at least 10 years) and panicked that I've had to put my own needs and personal growth on hold for so long. It feels terrible sometimes but I get on with it and have to keep on coping.

I'm so exhausted that I'm feeling a bit inarticulate at the moment, but wondered how many of you were also blindsided by the reality of it.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 23:06

Doesn’t change the fact that right now I’m just lying in the dark crying because even typing my pp brought so many things to the surface, that I usually try and stuff on a daily basis just to function.

I'm doing similarly if that helps! Not even quite crying as I'm too tired but some doleful half-sobs!

Like you, I push it down out of necessity or just being busy.

Occasionally I get a cold dread - after my abusive marriage ended, my 3 DC were v little so I was in survival-only mode. But at the back of my mind I felt there'd be time for me & maybe a relationship. It's a decade on & that feels impossible. I haven't had any relationship or date or anything. I feel by the time I can think about it it'll be too late ... and that really scares me. That as much as I love my DC, this might be it. I work, take care of them & exercise. That's it.

I agree with you that this is where MN is at its best. MN is actually the only place I can a) have these conversations and b) hear about others in similar or even more challenging situations. This sounds awful but it helps to read others' tough situations - I mean I wish no-one had them but it's a help to know it's not just me. And also a reminder it could be harder & to acknowledge my blessings.

I hope you'll be able you have a good night's rest soon. ❤️

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 23:14

dadoodoodoo · 01/07/2023 22:49

I think the thing I find hard is that I have no control over my own happiness. I have two teens with additional needs who are both struggling and unhappy. My life has a lot going for it but it is impossible to be happy, or at least content, if your children are miserable. Whoever said you are only as happy as your least happy child nailed it.

I'm really sorry about your DC. That's very hard.

You are absolutely correct - when any of our DC are struggling or upset, we cannot be truly happy. I also think over time that emotional drain has an impact, like it chips aware at our own selves.

I worry a bit (just speaking about myself) as my own DM made the end of my marriage about her, and I heard over & over how she'd be crying in the supermarket, what an awful time it was, and I'd feel so bad & apologise. A decade on & I've been through a year of hell going through court to regularise matters with ex finally. Rang my mother one day & she went on about how upsetting it all was ... for her. I'd a bit of a lightbulb moment then & realised how unfair she was being. I now worry that I make (or might make) my upset avoid the DC issues, about me, rather than them. I think I don't but it's now a new worry!

Mumtothreegirlies · 01/07/2023 23:18

I’m not lone mum but my husband has never really done anything to help. Mine are 10,13,17. Lot easier now but I’m a shell of a person.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 23:21

Mumtothreegirlies · 01/07/2023 23:18

I’m not lone mum but my husband has never really done anything to help. Mine are 10,13,17. Lot easier now but I’m a shell of a person.

This must be nearly harder - I do often remind myself that as hard as things are for me, they would be worse if I was still with my ex.

I think being in a marriage that's unequal and unsupportive must be beyond draining & lonely.

declutteringmymind · 01/07/2023 23:22

Having been told a lot by my mum how much trouble I was to her and a 'burden', I really do enjoy being a mum. However I'm exhausted and ruined.

StJulian2023 · 01/07/2023 23:24

No I didn’t.

I had mine with the most amazing DH but he was terminally ill before our youngest was even 18 months, and died when they were 5 and 7.

Eldest has adhd and mental health problems and usual teen stuff going on; youngest is ‘fine’ but the mental load is enormous.

Hats off to those who choose to have DC alone but I absolutely didn’t, and didn’t expect to be losing the very fit and healthy man I married so soon.

I adore my DC but I don’t think I’d have had them if I’d known how things were going to pan out.

Return2thebasic · 01/07/2023 23:27

I have an ahdh DC. So I can see it probably adds to the constant stress and on the edge feeling significantly.

Mine started medication earlier this year. Not a miracle cure, but it calms down him and our relationship massively. So I'm mostly stressed out by DC 2 who's going through the terrible 4. 😑

Absolutely feel the side if pain with dealing ADHD... Is your DC on medication or worth looking into?

SameToo · 01/07/2023 23:33

I had my first child young. Not mega young, but pretty young, just out of teens. So I never really experienced being an adult and only thinking of myself. Parts of that I was a single parent, but with her dad in the picture so never parented completely solo although I did the bulk. I’d say I don’t know anything different because I never did the stereotypical pre-child things but I think if you’re a single parent doing it all alone then it’s a completely different experience. My dream if I had the money would be to set up a charity that offers relief to single parents / struggling parents where someone would go round and do anything from holding the baby to folding the laundry and it would be charity funded.

2bazookas · 01/07/2023 23:51

?????? I've never considered I sacrificed myself. We had children; I still had interesting work I enjoyed, outside interests, money I earned; hobbies, friends, an adult social life; DH and I often went out.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 23:58

My dream if I had the money would be to set up a charity that offers relief to single parents / struggling parents where someone would go round and do anything from holding the baby to folding the laundry and it would be charity funded.

What an amazing idea!

whattodo22222 · 02/07/2023 00:00

I think I "knew" but was unable to imagine the reality if that makes sense. I think its impossible to understand until you've experienced it, so we can't blame ourselves. I have a one year old and dad spends 2-3 hours a week with her. I'm getting by with damage limitation, I'm always thinking of how I can make things easier for myself without impacting her because my physical and mental health would suffer otherwise.

UsingChangeofName · 02/07/2023 00:03

Another who doesn't relate to this at all.

Not posting to be smug, to to balance this thread for all those who might be worrying about what is said in the op, and particularly the rather dramatic "sacrificing yourself" title.

I've been a parent for 27 years. Yes, the first 10+ years were full on , and at times exhausting (2 of mine have ADHD too) but I haven't "sacrificed myself" to parent them. Hmm
The 3 young adults they are now make me incredibly proud - I didn't sacrifice myself to raise them though. Obviously, I developed as a person over the years, and being a parent was a big part of that development, but so were all the other things that happen in life - bereavements, illness, but also celebrations and compliments.
I've always WOTH (including career progression and promotions). I've always ringfenced a little bit of time to be me. I've always belonged to things and I've always volunteered.
Yes, some decisions or choices would probably have been different if I hadn't had dc, but my life has been greatly enriched and enhanced by being a Mum, not sacrificed at all.

People reading this thread in the wee small hours pacing the room with a baby that won't sleep need to know this is true for lots of parents. It 100% isn't all doom and gloom.

Kiwiandstrawberries · 02/07/2023 00:08

HNRTFT but I was very lucky because I had so many good friends all having babies at the same time. It was in the 90s and I enjoyed that 10 years so much tbh . Our children all went to different schools ,some state some private,absolutely no competition…am just home from a rather boozy night out with them all ..youngest son was taxi driver 😊

Anaemiafog · 02/07/2023 00:27

Last week I did my final ever school run and ironed my last school uniform after twenty four years. I actually felt quite sad. Nothing can prepare you for the shock to your system, no matter how much time you've spent around other people's children.

Gowlett · 02/07/2023 00:33

This is why I feel that having DS was late (44) the right timing for me. Also, getting married at 40. Neither would have suited me, any younger. I feel like I’ve missed out on anything. It’s now me, plus my child. (And a bloody husband!). Not sure how DS will feel when he’s older, but it’s working out okay for me.

Gowlett · 02/07/2023 00:35

Haven’t missed out, obvs…

Gytgyt · 02/07/2023 00:36

I had my idea what could someone tell us anyway? No motherhood journeys are guaranteed to be the same or even similar. As tough as it is I've always told myself I'm me first though and then I'm a mother because I don't want to lose myself. Simple things like going for a coffee alone is important especially as a lone parent. I just have 1 DC so perhaps this is a slight factor but I think its mainly personality I'm aware boys go off and live their own lives and I need to remember that it's important for me to maintain mine too!

Jemandthehologramsunite · 02/07/2023 02:54

I can see why intergenerational living is a thing, and think about how people used to live in villages (and caves before that!). Personally I think that's probably the way people are meant to live. Unfortunately that also brings other issues. I have a lot of immigrant friends who had their mum come and stay with them from their birth countries for a few months when they had their babies which would be amazing.

Zippedydoo123 · 02/07/2023 03:01

I have been a single parent to ds since he was 5 months old and he is now 18. He is now in a full time job so pays me a modest contribution. Me and the ex have always been civil but maintenance was always minimal and access very infrequent since he had his now 11 year old.

It gets easier as they get older and we have always been close. I love being independent but have always lived breadline. I only work 3 days a week as self employed and work from home which is a luxury I feel.

I much prefer staying single and prefer a simple life but yes I have had to make a lot of sacrifices but I think that is what all good parents do. Sometimes it has felt easier being on my own as I did not have a partner to disagree with me. I have had more me time from the age of 13.

It helps to have supportive friends which I have. I have two fabulous fellow single parent friends who I hear from regularly.

Flippertityfeck · 02/07/2023 03:07

I absolutely didn’t really struggle with young kids/babies but I’d always thought it would get easier as they got older. It hasn’t - in fact it’s way more consuming now. The mental load is horrendous.

LordSalem · 02/07/2023 03:26

I had no idea and certainly wouldn’t have even entertained the idea of having a baby if I'd have known I'd be a lone parent for 10 of the 11 years so far. I was 22 when I gave birth, had a lovely 3 bed (rented) home all carefully decorated and made ready (by me). Just under a year in he fucked off, lost the house and I’m only now completely stable 10 years later. I always wanted loads of kids and to be married. One child and seven cats, I think I’m alright on my own Grin

Zippedydoo123 · 02/07/2023 05:47

Jemandthehologramsunite · 02/07/2023 02:54

I can see why intergenerational living is a thing, and think about how people used to live in villages (and caves before that!). Personally I think that's probably the way people are meant to live. Unfortunately that also brings other issues. I have a lot of immigrant friends who had their mum come and stay with them from their birth countries for a few months when they had their babies which would be amazing.

Yes I think extended families were much happier than today's nuclear families. Readymade help on hand.

Moonsun88 · 02/07/2023 06:39

No, I didn't imagine 2 on the asd spectrum and one on thr pathway but will take years of at all because girls mask more but also bring me so much joy and I'm so proud at their creativity. , and make me smile and laugh a lot too. But yeah some is more challenging then I ever thought possible.

heartsinvisiblefury · 02/07/2023 06:57

I lost myself for years and it's all been made harder by the fact my mother and father have been selfishly absent most of my adult life - myself and my siblings all had our house keys taken off us when we left home and were basically told once you're gone you can't come back no matter the circumstances- which I now think was a very big sign that they'd well and truly checked out of parenting.

PowerTulle · 02/07/2023 07:46

Completely understand. I have DC with complex needs and have found it utterly overwhelming. I’ve gradually given up most of myself and my independence.
I think the thing that’s harder to bear though is that I always thought I’d chosen a supportive co parent and we’d be a team through everything. The realisation that DH isn’t on my team, and that his life hasn’t changed one jot over the years, is a hard pill to swallow.