Parenting trends that can get in the bin

[PiratesEatTrolls]

Permissive/passive parenting labelled as gentle - no, little Jimmy not wanting to play with your DC is not a natural consequence for squirting him repeatedly and directly in the face from 2ft away with a super soaker, despite being asked to 'stop please darling, he doesn't like it, oh look, he's crying'....a natural consequence would be removing the super soaker

Never saying 'no' as a principle- fair enough (not really), but if you're DC is being violent, I sure as hell will tell them no

Neutrals neutrals neutrals and no plastic tat - let them have some stuff they like! Buy it second hand of you want to be eco but let them have the odd bit of tat/character pyjamas that make them happy, why not 🤷🏼‍♀️

I mean if my husband waited until I had my turn if the TV then screamed at me I wouldn’t be cuddling him and saying it’s ok. I’d think he was pretty unpleasant, never mind silly! So I think it’s contextual. If my child cried over a small/silly thing I’d of course give cuddles and wonder if perhaps something was wrong. If they consistently screamed at friends when they didn’t get their way I wouldn’t validate it, because I don’t think it’s a valid response.

@Kanaloa how old's your child? I think the kind of feelings that you validate probably change at different ages. I'm used to dealing with 1-2 year olds. At that age, I think it's reasonable to feel sad that you can't have the swings 100% of the time, as you're still learning that you're not the centre of the universe. You're also too little to really grasp the concept of 'if you cry we're going home' because even if you understand the words, you still don't have the relevant level of impulse control. If the child is older and has already been taught how to share and take turns, those same feelings are a lot less reasonable and don't need to be validated. If the child is older and hasn't been taught how to take turns, that's when you've got issues...

My eldest is in teens! Youngest in primary. At age 4 I didn’t validate screaming over not getting your way. At teen years thankfully they don’t tend to scream at people. Yet!

But you're not validating the screaming at friends. You're validating the feeling upset about sharing while also stating that it's not ok to scream at friends. But as I said this would be for younger kids. Back in the real world I know quite a few 4 year olds who have been 'gently' parented (I wouldn't actually refer to myself as a gentle parent, I do try to use gentle techniques as much as possible because I know they work but I fail much of the time) and none of them would behave this way.

Obviously at age 1 it’s a lost cause, but I would still remove the child from the swing so they didn’t associate screaming with getting in the swing. Other than that it’s different - but by age 4 it’s just poor parenting to let your child behave that way to be really honest.

Agree with you. Screen free mum here to a 4 and 7 year old and we manage just fine!

I could have written this! Nailed it.

Also parents expecting brand new tiny human beings to have full control over their emotions, when fully grown adults don’t even have control over their emotions.

I’m of the view that people in glasshouses shouldn’t throw stones and I’m very much in my glasshouse currently, finding my way with my own DC.
I listen to advice (both solicited and more often than not unsolicited) and then choose what I think will work for us, politely nod and ignore the rest.
I’m the safe anonymity of mumsnet I’ll share a few tales.
All the while I sit in silent disbelief at playgroups and more recently children’s parties and events. I don’t want confrontation and as long as it doesn’t affect my kids I’m happy to just observe the fascinating human behaviour that is out there.
A few of the shockers I’ve observed:

• “use your words Tommy” to a tiny Tommy who is practically non-verbal WTF?!!
• ”my Suzie doesn’t have to share, you don’t have to share when you’re an adult.” Ok, but the pram belongs to playgroup, not Suzie and children don’t have to play with Suzie or like her when she’s older, hope that works out well for her.
• ”I love playgroup, I leave Freddie to get on with it whilst I have a cuppa” playgroup is not a break for you, the helpers are not your childcare. It’s an opportunity to support your child with socialisation and Freddie is hanging upside down on the slide spitting…
• ”Molly is really tired, and hungry she doesn’t normally [insert kick, hit, bite, nip, pull hair], I’m sure it’s just a phase, she’ll grow out of it soon” What about in the meantime, whilst you’re telling me this, the birthday child Molly has just attacked is being consoled by their adult.
• “I’ve research throughly this [insert any parenting concept here] and I do this with Sally” Ok I bow to your superior knowledge, but do you perhaps want to stop Sally pouring her juice on the floor and crushing her biscuit into it. The worst being a demonstration in the complete opposite of the concept being promoted.

I believe some things are trends like baby led weaning, they’ll go in and out like the latest fashions. I opted not to do baby led weaning, my DC by 2 could feed themselves just fine with a knife, fork and spoon.

I’m not a huge fan of tablets all day everyday, but they have their place including in education. My DC did have an odd 10-15 minutes in their high chairs when out for a meal, once they were bored of the colouring, eating and being entertained. I’m pleased to say they can sit at the dinner table without now and it saved them ruining countless meals for us and others. Sometimes you have to do what you need to.

Whilst outlining the above I should point out, I don’t think I’m the perfect parent. When my DC shouted no and wagged her finger I saw my bad parent day 🙈, I’ve been the parent who has to carry child kicking and screaming out of playgroup on occasion. I’m not opposed to gentle parenting, but agree with OP some use an incorrect interpretation to not bother. Anyway I’m going to quickly retreat to my glasshouse and hope my children don’t bring any large stones 😂

**In the safe…
stupid autocorrect

If I had told any of my children to stop being silly and to stop crying it usually just intensified and prolonged the crying. If I acknowledged their feeling and distracted then they usually stopped crying pretty quickly. If they didn't I would just remove them from the situation and explain that they could play again once they calmed down.

I’m going to add…

parents who want their kids to be grown up very quickly. Will tell you their 6 year old doesn’t play with toys and they’ve gotten rid of them all because they are grown up and sophisticated. Let them be kids, it doesn’t last long.

Parents who spoon feed and pressurise their children through school and college to get into the best universities. Don’t be surprised if they implode/fail when left to their own devices. I’ve seen this happen a few times.

'I've just always found that validating kids' feelings allows them to move on from the feelings. I mean it's the same with adults, isn't it? If I burst into tears and my DH said 'don't be silly, there's nothing to cry about' I wouldn't feel better. But if he gave me a hug and said 'it's ok to be sad' then I probably would.'

Well said. Some adults just can't handle the child having any feelings that don't match their own, and only know how to respond with 'stop bring silly', or 'stop crying' etc Let me tell you, that's a pretty damaging experience for children to have if it happens regularly. Totally agree with challenging inappropriate behaviours, and enforcing rules like turn taking, and not allowing the child to have everything they want when they want it

In my experience, most children have a momentary sulk then when they realise they're not getting any attention just get on with things. Obviously not everyone will react in the same way.

cba with the "big feelings" parenting. Children that young lack any kind of philosophical perspective. They DO understand action and consequence so do that.

and anyone using "touched out" - wtf did you expect when you brought a small dependent being into your life? Why are you surprised they cling to you and need you and want to be on top of you all the time? If you don't want to be "touched out" you should have bought a goldfish.

It’s not a damaging experience to tell a 4 year old to stop screaming at their friend because they want the swing their friend is using. I’d say it’s actually more damaging to ‘validate’ the feeling that they should have their own way at all times. It is silly. They will be told it’s silly at school, at rainbows, at dance class. Obviously I’m not talking about telling a sad child ‘stop crying, that’s stupid.’ I’m saying that bad behaviour doesn’t need to be analysed and validated.

Parents are human beings with their own needs including personal space. Their needs don't suddenly not matter just because they become parents.

There's also a difference between wants and needs, a baby doesn't need to be on top of a parent all of the time.

I must admit, this really made me laugh.

Outsourced Arsehole Knobhead Parenting.
Lots of it in our neck of the woods - who will let their kids run absolutely fucking riot, climb shop shelves and all sorts of other dangerous shite, not interrupt their own conversations at all - and then post "positive" feedback on social media about how "delighted they were that Jamie indulged all our children's conversation and interaction while we were out for a family meal last night" - when poor Jamie had no choice whatsoever and spent the evening trying not to trip over the badly behaved tornados and smiling through gritted teeth.

Or the ones who have kids at Cubs/Beavers and the sort - dump them early, pick them up late, are the first to complain about anything the leaders do that they don't like - but their kids run so riot and are so fucking rude that they wreck the entire experience for all the other kids. Notable mention for the turd parents who complained when the leaders finally had to put their foot down about their child spending entire Cub walks trying to push my child into dog shit... apparently it was discriminatory since the child doing the pushing was autistic (his mate egging him on has no such diagnosis)... the child they were trying to push into dog shit and basically bullying week in week out is also autistic with a language disorder as well. They threatened to call the police on the Cub leader, sue Scouting and all sorts.

Also we have some local fuckwits who love letting their kids use scooters around the local Tesco - older people have been injured in the past, and apparently the bog roll aisle is a nice after school soft play as well as they let the kids dive bomb into the rolls of it. It's like if Mr Tumble did fucking Supermarket Sweep in there at school kicking out time.

My brother has attempted the sad beige child routine with his son. It's not worked as my nephew has now discovered Paw Patrol and is refusing to entertain any toy or activity that doesn't have Marshall's face all over it and Paw Patrol do not come in shades of sad beige.

@Kanaloa totally agree. It’s expecting a lot for a child to understand it’s wanting to go on a swing that is being validated and not the screaming, which is how advocates have explained this to me before.
In my experience I see a child who thinks I want a go, I scream, mummy gives me a hug and comforts me, then I get a go.
At what point will these children be taught not to scream, or in 20 years time will we have adults screaming in the doctors waiting room or at the supermarket queue that they want to be next. I know this sounds far-fetched but I think teaching and training DC from the beginning is easier than trying to get them to unlearn these reactions as they develop their impulse controls.

Forcing sick kids out to assuage mum guilt 'he's a bit clingy today, been up the past few nights with him'. Cue kid coughing and leaving globules of snot everywhere and repeatedly returning to pull at mum / cry / lie down. Let the kid have a break - better for him and us. Cue several other kids then up all night later that week and several more adults having to take time off.

I also want to add parents calling their child their "bestie" or "best friend". Just no!

@Purpleboat I promise you it’s not a lot for a child to understand. “It’s ok to feel sad. It’s not ok to scream at the park.” It’s not complicated.

If you use emotion coaching etc with your kids from the earliest age they are able to talk about emotions v actions from a really, really young age. All of mine are now in school, preschool and sports and being spoken to in this way as toddlers/preschoolers doesn’t seem to have done them a disservice at all. Of course none of them were screaming in the park about turn taking age 4 either so I’m not saying I necessarily agree with the way that kid was being parented.. just that all these posts about kids not understanding things at a young age… trust me, they do.

And I completely agree with you re teaching DC from the beginning. Just maybe not training them. 🙂

She may have invented the term but my point is that this is exactly the sort of thing that if you criticise you get told that 'that's not gentle parenting it's permissive parenting'. She says that you should accept some hitting and biting will happen because it's just normal, and her recommended responses are unintentionally quite funny:

Calmly and simply tell your child what they have done wrong and why. You could say “You mustn’t hit Johnny, it hurts him and now he’s crying”, “Owwww, you bit me, that really hurts, we don’t bite people” or “Stop – you mustn’t throw toy cars in the house, they will break something”. Next, help your child to understand and name their feelings. “I can see you didn’t like it when he hugged you and it’s OK to be angry, but you mustn’t hit people”, “Did it feel good to bite me? Are your teeth hurting?” or “Are you bored with being in here?”.

Did it feel good to bite me? Why would you ask a child that 😂 Ooh, biting mummy! Was that nice? Did you enjoy a good chomp out of mummy’s face.

Sometimes an unpleasant reaction is normal. It’s ok for kids to learn that biting and hitting people gets an unpleasant reaction rather than an immediate validation of and discussion about their ‘feelings’ on good it felt to bite people.