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Parenting trends that can get in the bin

241 replies

PiratesEatTrolls · 20/06/2023 14:43

Permissive/passive parenting labelled as gentle - no, little Jimmy not wanting to play with your DC is not a natural consequence for squirting him repeatedly and directly in the face from 2ft away with a super soaker, despite being asked to 'stop please darling, he doesn't like it, oh look, he's crying'....a natural consequence would be removing the super soaker

Never saying 'no' as a principle- fair enough (not really), but if you're DC is being violent, I sure as hell will tell them no

Neutrals neutrals neutrals and no plastic tat - let them have some stuff they like! Buy it second hand of you want to be eco but let them have the odd bit of tat/character pyjamas that make them happy, why not 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 20/06/2023 20:19

Scepticalwotsits · 20/06/2023 19:11

Knowing the audience here I’m going to get eviscerated for this but co sleeping.

it’s been known to increase the risk of SIDS for years and risky and all the science says not to.

There's been new research. Sadly there is nothing to prevent sids. It's a chemical in the brain. Nothing to stop it from happening.

Lwrenagain · 20/06/2023 20:19

Sharing profound shite your child never said, piss off Marie, your child can barely ask for a barney bear, let alone are they wiser than aristotle.

Forcing children into eclectic music tastes, let them discover their own. I know someone who's kids HATE music that isn't older than their granny. Behave, you should be dancing to gangham style at the school disco, not locking yourselves in your rooms crying to the moody blues.

Parents hosting child's parties that are more expensive than a wedding. With floral arrangements and grazing platters.
Let them have some wotsits and a paw patrol fairy cake and a butty. It won't harm them.

Never letting them get dirty. I'm sorry you want your insta pictures immaculate but for every single reason being a child is good fun, let them roll in grass/sand/splash in puddles without having a fucking episode that you don't have kids that look like they belong to influncers.

Neutral everything. Yawn.

Claiming your child is ASD without any pathway in place, then when the ASD kids do something genuinely autistic, being horrified and claim, "well my little darling doesn't behave like that, he just won't eat peas and sweetcorn without separating them".

Complaining that your aggressive little darlings are just very passionate when they're spoilt as fuck and hurt other kids when playing sport even mildly competitively.
"But ruggers is tobias's passion! He shouldn't have to apologise for knocking Henry's tooth out, it was only a baby one!"

Little girls wearing slogan tops that say "mini influencer". I'm not anti influencer and believe it must take huge dedication to succeed, but, you're literally willing away your child's privacy.

Filming kids that often that your house becomes more like a Stacey Dooley weekend sleepover than a home. Then sharing every bit of their privacy with the world.

Teaching NT children they're never going to be told no.
Well kids, this won't work out well for you.

Either not Teaching children to question anything with "be kind" or not teaching them to "be kind" at all, to the point they're ilmannered and rude.

Being a dickhead to the teachers for any reason, if you disagree with a teacher, go higher, don't be a rude little arsehole to them.

Headbands on newborn girls, I've seen parents have them on so tight they leave lines. Why would you cause a baby harm just for a fashion statement? Tell me.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 20/06/2023 20:20

DrCoconut · 20/06/2023 20:06

I remember older people disapproved of colouring books in restaurants because children should be able to sit still and quiet when ordered to do so. Same with church, you sat with one hand on each knee and faced the front in silence. No creche or breakout room. Corporal punishment was used regularly and some kids still got the belt at home. 80s/early 90s not the Victorian era. I'm glad the importance of emotions is now more recognised and normal childhood behaviour acknowledged instead of punished and shamed.

If we have one decent breakthrough in this era, I think it's the rise in the understanding that parenting is symbiotic, and if you don't like what your kids are doing then you should look to how you can change your own approach to have a positive effect on them. Obviously we are far from everyone getting this, and I don't pretend it's easy, but there's more of an understanding of it now than in the past.

The fabulous 80s/90s parenting was along the sorts of lines you're talking about. Parent-centred, and if kids are behaving badly, never wonder where they're learning it or ask if they're mirroring what you do, or consider changing your behaviour. Just carry on doing what you want, and punish your kids for doing the same thing.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/06/2023 20:21

SadScuatch · 20/06/2023 20:11

SIDS is awful isn't it.

Personally, I couldn't take the risk. I know someone who's baby passed with co sleeping so I guess I'm extra cautious.

I did hear recently they have changed the NHS advice around co sleeping now which is good for people who do do it as theres more available guidance on it.

I feel mixed about the changes. I understand why but at the same time, it makes it less clear that an empty cot, on their back with a firm mattress is still the safest way.

stayathomer · 20/06/2023 20:22

Babies and kids allowed sit up close to cats and dogs. Kids being sent off in soft play without ever being checked on again by the end of the session.

Confusion101 · 20/06/2023 20:24

Neutrals neutrals neutrals and no plastic tat

@PiratesEatTrolls i really really really agree with this! Sorry this plastic colourful toy doesn't match your child's nursery but it's musical, educational, fun for your child, entertaining....

Rhino94 · 20/06/2023 20:25

Fundays12 · 20/06/2023 18:11

Gentle patenting definitely needs to go. I am not a fan of the older style of parenting but have never met a "gentle" parent that actually parents in any way, shape or form. The ones I have met have stood back and watched there little darlings kick, hit, bite and swear at other kids while saying no darling in a gentle voice but letting them carry on with whatever atrocious and abusive behaviour they are inflicting on there latest victim. The other one had there kid running riot under a metal table while saying "please darling just come out". The kid was 2 and about to inflict a serious head injury on themselves just take them out. This is not gentle parenting it's lousy parenting.

This is exactly what annoys me! People that assume this is gentle parenting, it’s not, it’s permissive parenting at best!

Lacoeur · 20/06/2023 20:26

I’m by no means a hippy, earth mama who gentle parents BUT I’m a child of the 90s who had a very reactive, strict dad, whose favourite tag line was “little children should be seen and not heard” I just could not even imagine saying that to my dc. For me that saying and that attitude can get in the bin- and stay there!

SadScuatch · 20/06/2023 20:30

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/06/2023 20:21

I feel mixed about the changes. I understand why but at the same time, it makes it less clear that an empty cot, on their back with a firm mattress is still the safest way.

Yes, I understand what you mean. I have just had a little look. It's not as clear as I thought. Lullaby trust still advises against it, but at least theres some extra guidance on what to do.

Still scares me though 😬

Blip · 20/06/2023 20:30

kelsaycobbles
"Being told no and having your toys removed and being expected to behave as a human and contribute to the family was what I recall of the norm for the 70s and 80s

Sone people did still smack but it wasn't the norm by then"

I was a child in the 70s - smacking was completely normal and acceptable and me and most of my friends got the slipper/belt/riding crop too. My state primary caned pupils and that was normal too. There was a lot of routine violence to children.

Hardbackwriter · 20/06/2023 20:33

Rhino94 · 20/06/2023 20:25

This is exactly what annoys me! People that assume this is gentle parenting, it’s not, it’s permissive parenting at best!

Whereas one of my pet hates is the way that any criticism of gentle parenting as an approach is met with 'ah, but that's not doing it properly', which makes it impossible to actually discuss because the only 'true' gentle parenting appears to be perfect parenting that always produces perfectly behaved children, which I imagine we're all in favour of!

RedRobyn2021 · 20/06/2023 20:37

That's not gentle parenting at all. That is permissive parenting, totally different thing. You should do more reading if you want to have opinions about it. Sarah Ockwell Smith coined the term, so it's her books/articles that should be read.

RedRobyn2021 · 20/06/2023 20:38

pristinequeen · 20/06/2023 15:09

iPads everywhere, dinner table, whilst being pushed around in the pushchair, in bed before going to sleep. I have 2 young DC and understand completely how hard it is to keep a child entertained but I just don't see how sitting at the table with a screen in their face is at all beneficial to them, or anyone who has to hear it. Tablets didn't exist 10 years ago and somehow everyone managed. Also I know of someone who complains their DC don't fall asleep till 10 but they put them in bed with an iPad! It's not going to wind them down to sleep

Hard agree with this.

Clementineorsatsuma · 20/06/2023 20:41

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 20/06/2023 14:49

I'm not really into gentle parenting, but I still think it's preferable to the authoritarian, parent-centred, pro-violence attitude that prevailed in the 80s and 90s.

Goodness where do you get that from?
I had babies from 1986-1997, in a very inner city economically poor area. The parents there that came to the Mother and toddler groups were wonderful- caring loving child centred and considerate.
Their kids have all grown up to be fantastic, well adjusted adults.
Please don't generalise so much!

Rhino94 · 20/06/2023 20:45

Hardbackwriter · 20/06/2023 20:33

Whereas one of my pet hates is the way that any criticism of gentle parenting as an approach is met with 'ah, but that's not doing it properly', which makes it impossible to actually discuss because the only 'true' gentle parenting appears to be perfect parenting that always produces perfectly behaved children, which I imagine we're all in favour of!

Not perfect parenting no, but having firm boundaries , modelling desired behaviour and having age related expectations is some things involved, which is certainly not what a lot of people think it is, they assume we are scared of upsetting our children and let them do what that want which is totally not true!

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/06/2023 20:47

SadScuatch · 20/06/2023 20:30

Yes, I understand what you mean. I have just had a little look. It's not as clear as I thought. Lullaby trust still advises against it, but at least theres some extra guidance on what to do.

Still scares me though 😬

Me too. I just can’t imagine relaxing or getting any restful sleep with a baby in my bed all night.

I would feel incredibly touched out too.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/06/2023 20:50

Hardbackwriter · 20/06/2023 20:33

Whereas one of my pet hates is the way that any criticism of gentle parenting as an approach is met with 'ah, but that's not doing it properly', which makes it impossible to actually discuss because the only 'true' gentle parenting appears to be perfect parenting that always produces perfectly behaved children, which I imagine we're all in favour of!

So much this.

I also feel like it’s often just a description of normal modern parenting. I’m not sure it needs a label.

YESSTEVE · 20/06/2023 20:50

PiratesEatTrolls · 20/06/2023 15:13

100% agree with this one. It's another facet of 'gentle parenting' gone wrong. GP can (in some circumstances) be effective if age appropriate...long monologues to toddlers are not at all. Seen so many of these and the toddler is clearly looking at the parent like 'WTF???'. Some of the principles of GP are really positive, I just think too many people have watched a 30 second Facebook reel and not actually thought through how to be effective/age appropriate with it.

Judging other parents.

Who cares if another parent is giving their toddler a long monologue, doesn’t affect you.

So sick to death of hearing parents, who are NEVER perfect and their kids are never perfect either, whinging about other parents .

If everyone was a bit more fucking supportive then parenting wouldn’t be so hard. I know your stock response will be something about how this is just a fun thread, but I have had friends devastated by judgemental people over their parenting. Or people will say ‘I’m clearly
one of THOSE parents’ because again it’s the classic defence for being rude, but as far as I’m concerned Unless it directly affects you, ie poor interactions with your own children or some such, mind your own god damn business.

RedRobyn2021 · 20/06/2023 20:52

@Hardbackwriter

There's loads of cowboys on tik tok peddling their interpretation but the person that coined the term was Sarah Ockwell smith

And she doesn't profess to be a perfect parent, which she discusses in her book "how to be a calm parent"

So if you want to know what it is, there you go

And an important part of gentle parenting is discipline, boundaries and empathy, all tailored appropriately to the child's developmental stage. That is not permissive.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 20/06/2023 20:52

Clementineorsatsuma · 20/06/2023 20:41

Goodness where do you get that from?
I had babies from 1986-1997, in a very inner city economically poor area. The parents there that came to the Mother and toddler groups were wonderful- caring loving child centred and considerate.
Their kids have all grown up to be fantastic, well adjusted adults.
Please don't generalise so much!

I got it from being parented at the time, seeing how my peers from varying backgrounds were parented at the time and seeing the shitty techniques praised, performed and promoted all around me, in the media, by other people, etc. If you ask any one of those parents now, they'll tell you they were fantastic and their kids have turned out brilliantly etc etc etc.

And yet none of us practise their techniques and we are always being scorned as snowflakes yadda yadda.

Again, disclaimer, not all parents blah blah.

I understand why people don't like hearing this, but it's true. And as for inner city and economically poor, that sort of thing didn't cross my mind at all. This was cultural level and across the board.

elodiedie · 20/06/2023 20:55

I worked in childcare in the 90s and attitudes really haven’t changed that much, at least among the middle class parents who I worked with. Restrictions on TV, focus on education, healthy food etc.

One change I have seen is an increased belief in the benefit of socialising and organised activities for babies and young toddlers. Previously there was a more widespread belief that they were best off at home with a primary caree most of the time.

Danikm151 · 20/06/2023 20:59

Dressing little kids in really impractical outfits because they need to look like a grown up- let the kid run, move and be comfy.
Trackies/leggings and a top are perfect.

sitting on a bench at the park and ignoring your child pushing other children or being a bully.

putting thick blankets over a pram/car seat to block the sun. how many more times can the message that your baby will overheat be said?!

Confusion101 · 20/06/2023 21:02

Rhino94 · 20/06/2023 20:45

Not perfect parenting no, but having firm boundaries , modelling desired behaviour and having age related expectations is some things involved, which is certainly not what a lot of people think it is, they assume we are scared of upsetting our children and let them do what that want which is totally not true!

Is this not just parenting? Why the need for the special term?

Awoooga · 20/06/2023 21:10

I know lots of people do it so maybe I’m in the wrong but putting photos & videos on Facebook/Insta of every single moment of a kid’s life, including rashes, sitting on the loo, tantrums, in underwear, etc. etc. feels a bit weird to me.

goodkidsmaadhouse · 20/06/2023 21:11

Filming kids that often that your house becomes more like a Stacey Dooley weekend sleepover than a home. Then sharing every bit of their privacy with the world.

@Lwrenagain Yes. Actually this is one of the (albeit very rare) facets of modern parenting that is genuinely unexplored and has the potential for really awful consequences, for kids’ safety and dignity.

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