Parenting trends that can get in the bin

[PiratesEatTrolls]

Permissive/passive parenting labelled as gentle - no, little Jimmy not wanting to play with your DC is not a natural consequence for squirting him repeatedly and directly in the face from 2ft away with a super soaker, despite being asked to 'stop please darling, he doesn't like it, oh look, he's crying'....a natural consequence would be removing the super soaker

Never saying 'no' as a principle- fair enough (not really), but if you're DC is being violent, I sure as hell will tell them no

Neutrals neutrals neutrals and no plastic tat - let them have some stuff they like! Buy it second hand of you want to be eco but let them have the odd bit of tat/character pyjamas that make them happy, why not 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have, unfortunately and regrettably, read some Sarah Ockwell-Smith. I won't be repeating the experience but I have seen some of the things she says described as 'not real gentle parenting' by other people (read what she says to do when a toddler hits - it is exactly what other people claim is permissive rather than gentle parenting) so I don't think that even using her as some sort of central prophet really works to define it...

I've never actually thought of this but now you say it, it's so true. I don't remember ever having snacks as a child, and I grew up in the 90s/00s.

Maybe you grew up in a different 80s/90s.. smacking was definitely the norm in my experience.

🤣 me too!

No I don’t believe it is, some people still use time outs ect and don’t help a child regulate their emotions, like I’ve said before there’s so much more to it!

I certainly carried one around 10plus years ago as did my mum nearly 50 years ago. Toilet training is about learning to recognise when you need to go not about training your bladder. Not everyone can do that.

I know your response to your tasmanian devil ( collar spraying water) isn't really funny but it did make me laugh

But anytime anyone on MN says they disagree with gentle parenting, they're told they don't understand it. I'm a primary teacher and think the long explanations to toddlers about the feelings are bonkers. I've a friend who is adamant she gentle parents, not permissive parents, but can't see that in not properly correcting her daughter's behaviour it's now impacting other children (eg screaming at age 4 when my child gets their turn on the swing, having waited patiently). The gentle explanations are just not working. Sometimes children make poor choices and should very firmly, in a cross voice so they know it's not on, be told no. They don't need to be screamed at but they also don't nerd a hug everytime they misbehave.

Gentle parenting doesn't need to include long explanations and it certainly doesn't mean not correcting poor behaviour. Boundaries are key to gentle parenting, in fact. So it seems that you don't understand it, and neither does your friend.

Parents on their phones all the time. In the park, cafes, play areas, school run, restaurants etc. often zero interaction with their child. What did parents do before phones…..oh I know talk to their kids.

Ugh gentle parenting really gets under my skin!!

I’m really amused by this, I distinctly remember my parents having the potty under the pushchair for my little sister. She’s 45 so it was over 5-10 years ago, probably around 1980.

Amongst some parents, admittedly, but I was born in the 60s and it wasn’t the norm amongst my parents and their friends to treat their children in that way. I became a mum in the 80s and didn’t use physical chastisement on any of my children.

I was born in 62 and my mum was widowed 2 years later leaving myself and my brother fatherless ( my bro was 4). My mother had a mortgage to pay and was a strong, Yorkshire woman who taught us boundaries and how to behave ( we respected adults and our elders and did as we were told) One memory that stays with me was when we were 6 and 8 and went to a summer play scheme in a school, As mum left us on a bench in the playground to go to work she said "stay there until the teacher calls you in" the teacher didn't call and we sat on that bench for over six hours no food, water or toilet breaks on that hot day. We didn't leave that bench because we were instructed not to! That's how it was done in the 60s/70s you did as you were told. I also remember sitting in the long seats on the old route master buses just a few steps away from the open back of the bus... we didn't run around or wander off.

Some parents maybe. I grew up in the 60s/70s and my parents did not have "shite" methods, nor did any of my friends' parents. I also know plenty of 80s parents, and the same applies. If you weren't there you can't know.

Who says you can’t talk to them in a firm voice? Like I said previously about misunderstanding the term- you’ve just proved my point! No I would never give my toddler a long explanation about why somethings wrong- it’s age appropriate.

Groups of mums with toddlers who take over small cafes, buy one drink each and spend two hours chatting while their darlings run riot. One cafe near me was ruined for everyone else by this behaviour. The Facebook comments when they were pulled up on it 😂

I remember smacking being entirely normal in the 80s. In the mid-80s when I was about ten I remember a supply teacher repeatedly (and feebly, and ineffectually) smacking a naughty boy in my class. It was one of the most ridiculous things I ever saw in school.

My DB and his partner do gentle parenting. Their children are delightful, lovely young people. One of them is a little wild but I'm certain that's nothing to do with the gentle parenting.

The only issue is that they are rather non-confrontational, and that can be a pain. While I love my DB dearly, he can skip around like Squealer in Animal Farm when he doesn't want to be pinned down about something.

iPads or tablets from young age. I'm only 30 and baby is a month old and I've already started collecting books for her, I LOVED reading as a child and I still do now.

Beige everything, if I want to put my baby in a dinosaur or butterfly print babygrow I will.

Ball pits in babies nurseries, mainly "celebs" or "influencers".

Well in that case it literally is the same behaviour management to what has been used by most people for the past 20 years than surely? Treating a child with respect and not screaming in thief face or hitting them. How do you help regulate a child's emotions if you don't talk to them about it, which by necessity involves what I would consider a long explanation? The explanations instead of removing them from a situation are what I'm saying don't work. And once again, like the other PP's response to my most, any disagreement with GP and you are told you don't understand it. I've read chapters of SOS's books and as an educator don't agree. If you read the Amazon reviews, plenty of people are the same. I'm afraid I'm not going to get a copy and quote sentence by sentence the bits I think don't work. The people I'm discussing who follow it have read the books, are in GP Facebook groups and are well educated people. If they still apparently can't follow it after that, I think that's another problem with whatever the mystery theory is.

And by the way, my friends absolutely think it does work, like you, and that their child's behaviour is just them showing their normal emotions. No one around them tells them otherwise and I disagree that their children are well behaved!

@Hardbackwriter

She literally came up with it?

I agree with this 💯

It’s also not a coincidence that many of these noughties born and raised children seem to be the ones that think they can be a boy when they’re a girl, or ze/zir and on the Aro sexuality spectrum.

Prematurely disposing of children's toys so you can have a tidy, minimalistic home. Children need to play and for longer than you think.

Not letting children play out until they're too old to play out.

Micro managing children's lives. They have to have some space to learn from their own experiences and safe errors.

Trying to insulate children from every petty upset or injustice. That doesn't mean ignoring it, but neither is it healthy to be immediately on the back of the offending teacher, activity leader etc.

A heavy relience on screens or snacks to keep young children occupied and quiet.

There is certainly a place for feelings, sympathy and gentleness indeed most of the time, but sometimes you do need to be more stern about boundaries. Children do go into the world interacting with other children, into the care of people lìke teachers responsible for large groups and do need to be equipped to cope with those dynamics. It can't be all be 1:1 gentleness all the time.

There's things we need to learn from previous generations (sometimes avoid, sometimes they did it well) but I'm not convinced that at a generational level, children and young people are significantly happier and better equipped for life than earlier generations.

I'm muddling through with what makes sense from my own experiences, having worked with children and my own children's personalities (NT & ND). Their teachers and leaders are near always happy with them so I'm probably not cocking up too badly.