Parenting trends that can get in the bin

[PiratesEatTrolls]

Permissive/passive parenting labelled as gentle - no, little Jimmy not wanting to play with your DC is not a natural consequence for squirting him repeatedly and directly in the face from 2ft away with a super soaker, despite being asked to 'stop please darling, he doesn't like it, oh look, he's crying'....a natural consequence would be removing the super soaker

Never saying 'no' as a principle- fair enough (not really), but if you're DC is being violent, I sure as hell will tell them no

Neutrals neutrals neutrals and no plastic tat - let them have some stuff they like! Buy it second hand of you want to be eco but let them have the odd bit of tat/character pyjamas that make them happy, why not 🤷🏼‍♀️

@DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder - where? I AM a child of the 60s and 70s and it certainly was NOT the prevailing attitude, let alone the 80s and 90s!
Of course there were people who smack and shout at their kids - you'll see it today too. But to say it was the accepted norm? No way.

@Wnikat is right, gentle parenting done properly isn’t permissive at all, but I think the OP knows that as she alluded to it!

My popular and unpopular opinions on parenting trends that can get in the bin:

iPads at mealtimes, iPads/phones without headphones in, iPads/phones instead of interacting with your DC, kids being given sweets/chocolates/shitty cheap plastic toys as constant rewards for what is basically normal behaviour, treating kids disrespectfully by belittling their emotions (this isn’t really a trend but one of my major bugbears), making a shit tip of restaurants/cafes/play areas, yes permissive parenting which gives gentle parenting a bad name, parents thinking it’s hilarious when their kids misbehave at school, leaving potty training until kids are 3.

Ah, that was therapeutic!

I had young children in the 80s and 90s. I’m sure there were lots of things I did wrong. They weren’t beaten, they were loved and cared for and the parenting I knew was not pro violence.

I imagine each generation believes previous ones got it wrong.

If gentle parenting means ignoring rude, aggressive or uncaring behaviour from children, towards other children and adults, then I think it’s neglectful parenting. Or leaving other parents to do the parenting.

Lets accept that being a parent is a rewarding and challenging job and to do it well takes time and energy.

Sorry, I don't follow. Kids eating paraffin wax?

• Taking your kids to soft play, plonking down with a coffee and not lifting your head until you’re ready to go home- meanwhile the kids are absolutely feral, running amok in the crawlers area and generally being boisterous little sods
• Similarly, letting kids run around restaurants, cinemas etc
• Letting kids throw food on the floor and not clean up after yourself when leaving a cafe/restaurant etc. Fucking rank
• Taking small kids to the shop and letting them run around the shop, banging into customers and staff as they go, and then out the front door which is beside a busy road. So another customer or staff member has to run outside and grab them while the parent is too busy talking shite to someone and is totally oblivious

Mine are basically all the same thing. Parents taking their kids out (for a break for themselves) and expecting the kid to mind themselves and if the worst happens some random bystander will save the day.

Gentle parents, the flaky feeble ones who give monologues to wild feral kids coked up on organic juices with no boundaries.

Here’s an iPad occupy yourself types.

Gentle patenting definitely needs to go. I am not a fan of the older style of parenting but have never met a "gentle" parent that actually parents in any way, shape or form. The ones I have met have stood back and watched there little darlings kick, hit, bite and swear at other kids while saying no darling in a gentle voice but letting them carry on with whatever atrocious and abusive behaviour they are inflicting on there latest victim. The other one had there kid running riot under a metal table while saying "please darling just come out". The kid was 2 and about to inflict a serious head injury on themselves just take them out. This is not gentle parenting it's lousy parenting.

I too and a child of the late 60s/70s and 80s and lots of my peers were smacked.

It was pretty common. As was corporal punishment in schools.

If it wasn't your norm, great but it was for a lot of us.

I tend to not bother myself with what any other parents are doing to be honest

If gentle parenting means ignoring rude, aggressive or uncaring behaviour from children, towards other children and adults, then I think it’s neglectful parenting.

It doesn’t. At all. That is the rep it has on here because I think a lot of parents set out to do gentle parenting and find it hard so slip into permissive parenting.

The idea that children's needs and wants ALWAYS come first.

No they don't.

Well, they do. It's just that what they need isn't always what they want. Learning social skills and self control is something that they need.

Parents who constantly use food as a babysitter.

Got an appointment and need to take the DC? - Give them snacks to occupy them.

Taking a younger child to watch their sibling's swimming lesson? - Give them snacks to occupy them.

Invited to a wedding/christening and taking DC? - Give them snacks to occupy them.

Taking the kids on a long car journey? - Give them snacks to occupy them.

Jesus Christ, it's no wonder so many kids are overweight when they're literally being taught to boredom eat from such a young age.

Child of the 60s here. We weren't smacked at home (DM didn't need to, she had A Look that was enough), but there was definitely corporal punishment in our primary. Once we got to grammar school it was detentions and having to explain why you were an hour late home.

Gentle parenting can bloody well do one.
and no, that doesn’t mean I support smacking etc, but a simple firm but fair attitude (and yes parents and adults SHOULD be treated as a form of authority). Giving kids consequences, letting them experience punishments and sanctions (like loosing a tablet for a week - nothing drastic), and let them know that life isn’t fair, they are not the centre of the universe and the world will not bend to them.

I also don’t think children these days are taught enough manners - and not just saying please and thank you, but consideration for others - not running around shops, being able to sit at a table without, tidying up after themselves and not leaving mess for others to clean up. Holding the door open for others, smiling and saying good morning to the elderly neighbour, that form of manners.

Just ask a teacher as to what they think about children’s behaviour today.

Not parenting as such but I hate the beige aesthetic trend for kids toys. All these baby toys in various shades of brown/grey/light green. All to suit the parent's instagramable decor.......

Lack of discipline (I don't mean smacking or anything, rather just saying no occasionally)
Giving very young children phones/tablets rather than entertain them or encourage them to use their imaginations
Allowing children to run around unchecked in restaurants/supermarkets etc
Performance parenting
Allowing children to shriek at the top of their voices continually, instead of teaching them volume control and respect for others (but hey, they're "just being kids" and fuck anyone else)
Ignoring your children in soft play and not monitoring their behaviour
Changing nappies or using a potty in inappropriate places
Baby showers, even more so if it's your 2nd, 3rd, 4th child
Elaborate gender reveals
Women who think their own parents are angels but the in-laws are to be avoided at all costs (and no I don't have sons but see it on here all the time)
Posting 100 almost identical pictures all over social media every time they do something new. Then sharing it all again the following year as a "memory".

I grew up in the 60's and 70's and most parents were not like that. Us kids used to talk, and we knew who was scared of their (usually) dad, and who got a beating when they were naughty. There weren't all that many. Parents did expect good manners and obedience though.

Gentle parenting winds me up, not so much because of children’s behaviour but because of the unrealistic expectations it puts on parents and this idea that you’re somehow harsh and uncaring if you tell your child they need to do as they’re told or they’ll not be watching any tv.

This link came up for me ages ago when my daughter went through a hitting phase. I refuse to believe anybody in the history of ever has had a conversation like this with a 6yo

https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/child-hits-parent

(This is a brief snippet)

Adrian: "Mom, I won't hit any more. I just didn't know what to do when I got so mad. And I was surprised when you told me, that's all. But next time I will stomp and scream instead."
Mom: "Adrian, it was fine you got angry. I understand that even though I had a good reason, I did break my word to you. And maybe I could have done a better job telling you. But even if you are completely right to be really mad about something, it is NEVER ok to hit, no matter what. You can tell me how you feel and what you need without hitting. Ok?"
Adrian: "Ok. Shake on it." (They shake hands.)
Mom: "Do we need a reminder code for when you're getting angry?"
Adrian: "Can you yell 'Time Out!'? Like a referee?"
Mom: "Sure, I can try that. What will you do when you hear 'Time Out'?"
Adrian: "I'll count to ten and breathe, no matter what." 🙄I

Hmm. I think I'd probably put "parents who needlessly judge other parents" in the bin myself. I never, ever gave my first 2 kids a screen. There was no need. They were happy doing other things and were almost always well behaved even as babies and toddlers in restaurants, on public transport etc. My third is a totally different kettle of fish. Too young to discipline in any meaningful way yet but will not sit quietly and still EVER. So, when we've tried other distractions to no avail, we let her watch a screen for a bit of peace and quiet, and so she sits still instead of trying to escape from her high chair or off my lap. At home we can let her make noise or run around and it's no problem. When we're eating dinner at home she still kicks off but we can live with the noise and wriggling because she does need to learn how to behave. But when we're out and about in certain situations, I will absolutely whip out the phone or tablet without hesitation. Volume off, obviously.

I suppose 20 years ago (because tablets absolutely did exist 10 years ago) we would have been unable to ever eat out as a family and my older two - and DH and I - would have missed out on the experience. Public transport would have been simply hellish and doubtless the very same people who judge the use of tablets and screens would have been judging the fact that she was making noise and thrashing around fighting to escape us.

Lack of anything like discipline. I think a lot of parents forget they are raising future adults and life will be very hard for some of these kids who have never heard the word no, or been expected to behave properly in public. They don't get told when they are being cheeky, aggressive ride etc.
My younger dc is 5 and one of his friends from school is a sweet kid but totally uncorrected when, eg stealing food, and is going to have a hard shock at some point.

Ignoring children in favour of staring into phones. I see it on the bus, train, in restaurants, etc. - talk to your child, it's how they learn to talk!

Mine wouldn’t listen unless I roared at them when they were being naughty. But the threat of “Do I have to shout?” worked. Any misbehaviour in restaurants and they were removed and taken home or outside. By the time they were three we could take them anywhere and they would behave properly.

Got an appointment and need to take the DC? - Give them snacks to occupy them.

I did do that one- snack drinks and toys and books sometimes because I had no childcare available and was SAHM so they weren't in nursery till 3 and sometimes I needed bums on seats and them quiet.

Though we had often walked fair bit as we don't drive and if a shorter distance I'd stop off in a park to let them run off steam so it was easier for them to sit still later when needed.

More general too many snacks - I do tend to agree - so moderation.

I also don’t think children these days are taught enough manners - and not just saying please and thank you, but consideration for others

This is spot on - and it's certainly not all kids.