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Original poster

Advice you’d never share in real life …

437 replies

Spink · 18/06/2023 18:38

because it would be TMI, or shows a side of you that you prefer not to be seen, etc.

I’ll start 😊

Never let out a large fart while pant-less after applying haemorrhoid cream. Especially when a internal application has been required.

With pants I imagine it’s also pretty bad but more .. contained.

thank me later x

OP posts:
bexboz · 19/06/2023 17:02

SarahDippity · 19/06/2023 00:16

If you’re in the one office toilet and the toilet won’t flush away your big turd and you know there’s someone waiting and you’ve already flushed twice but it’s very floaty, the sanitary disposal unit is a quick fix solution. You’re welcome. Wash your hands extra well.

Also, you can sometimes use the toilet brush to "poke" it down during the flush. You are welcome.

fivetriangulartrees · 19/06/2023 17:09

If you want your geriatric mother to help babysit your children, I strongly advise getting a girl up the duff in your mid-teens. Will endeavour not to say this out loud to my sons in 10 years' time.

Sticking with the bodily fluids theme, I'd advise making sure your shewee is angled forwards towards the ground, rather than backwards into your trousers. It's quite alarming to be peeing away and find nothing coming out.

Mojo777 · 19/06/2023 17:11

@Eyesopenwideawake When I had a kidney infection and had to have really strong antibiotics, they gave me thrush. My doctor prescribed a pessary and a tube of canestan. That tube said for the treatment of athletes foot 😳 strange..

itme · 19/06/2023 17:16

QueenVerilas · 19/06/2023 11:37

In what situation where you need to fart quietly are you also able to unobtrusively hold your bum cheeks apart????

Also, surely that does not stop the smell, and if you have just ostentatiously held your bum cheeks apart, surely everyone will now know it is you???

I'm not at all convinced that is great advice.

Show quote history

It is really and truly good advice. I have horrendous IBS so need to fart much more than the average person. If I keep an eye on what I eat and take a really good, strong probiotic, there is practically no smell, or certainly nothing that could be identified as fart smell anyway. So if I need to fart in bed when my partner is staying over I do the hold bum cheeks apart thing and it is silent with no scent. Life changing.

sueelleker · 19/06/2023 17:21

Tanktanktank · 19/06/2023 13:14

Don’t apply veet at the top of your legs then cross your legs and take an hour phone call. Must have been thirty years ago. I was very young and cancelled my smear until everything grew back 🤣

I once used roll-on deodorant just after removing underarm hair with veet. Ouch!

Rightnowstraightaway · 19/06/2023 17:25

If you are caught short in the woods, check for nettles before crouching.

sueelleker · 19/06/2023 17:27

GooseyDiLoosey · 19/06/2023 15:16

But…. Why??? (Feeling v innocent here, genuinely drawing a blank 😅)

Show quote history

Coffee and seedless green grapes (not necessarily together) always have a laxative effect on me.

TheOrigRights · 19/06/2023 17:29

2bazookas · 19/06/2023 11:45

If your knickers fall round your ankles in public, just step out of them, scoop them up into your bag or handbag, say absolutely nothing, do not make eyecontact with the audience, act like it never happened.

My Mum saw this in action, outside M&S in Norwich in the mid 80s.
I'm sure I remember many other anecdotes my Mother told me, but this one always makes me chuckle.

Brigitteshittette · 19/06/2023 17:34

don’t eat fish the day before the gym. Otherwise when you sweat, certain bodily secretions will be very aromatic and nobody will thank you when you use the thigh abductor machine. Commercial processed fish has fishy aroma/ flavour added in, it’s not nice.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 19/06/2023 17:39

midsomermurderess · 19/06/2023 16:34

That up speak is known, tongue in cheek, by some linguists, as the Australian Interrogative. It’s rife here; I just saw ‘but if you’re not online, you cant post?’. Are you asking us or telling us? ‘But Paris isn’t in Spain?’ Just bloody stop it!

Show quote history

The examples you're giving sound as if an 'isn't it?' has been left off, maybe? (!). Where someone isn't totally positive that Paris isn't in Spain and is just politely questioning it. But you could be right. It's when you get a flat statement with a question at the end. It's probably worse heard rather than in writing. It could be a regional thing, or an annoying trend. Perhaps I should ask my friend if she was Australian in a former life :)

DownWithBreadsticks · 19/06/2023 17:43

You know when you’ve had the shits all day and you’ve wiped your backside red-raw? (See also: spicy food.)
Now your ring is so sore you can barely sleep or even speak…. Take a single sock and lay it very flat. Then place it betwixt your buttocks, so that the heel rests lightly against your sorry anus. Lie on your side and put a box set on. You’re welcome.

ohsuzannah · 19/06/2023 17:44

Ameanstreakamilewide · 19/06/2023 13:18

Too hasty...that isn't the end of the story!

I once absentmindedly ate 2 packets of Polos.

Never again.

Diabetic here, I once ate a whole packet of sugar free toffees 🤦🏽‍♀️
Let's just say my constipation didn't bother me that day 😩

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/06/2023 17:49

Overdoing it on the sugar free sweets does teach you to respect serving sizes, fast!

Perime · 19/06/2023 17:58

Never store Earex and Eye drops in the same bedside drawer as Earex isn’t meant to go in your eye.

Arniesleftleg · 19/06/2023 17:59

Spink · 18/06/2023 21:05

Will be purchasing pineapple tomorrow. Does it have to be fresh or will tinned work?

Show quote history

@Spink get tinned rings and you can play hoopla with them as well 😂

Perime · 19/06/2023 18:01

Don’t assume there’s no more poop left in your body after you’ve had a bad IBS stomach and take your child to a birthday party.

Original poster
Spink · 19/06/2023 18:03

DownWithBreadsticks · 19/06/2023 17:43

You know when you’ve had the shits all day and you’ve wiped your backside red-raw? (See also: spicy food.)
Now your ring is so sore you can barely sleep or even speak…. Take a single sock and lay it very flat. Then place it betwixt your buttocks, so that the heel rests lightly against your sorry anus. Lie on your side and put a box set on. You’re welcome.

How did you discover this sock-anus magic?

OP posts:
WhatWillAPearDoAtNight · 19/06/2023 18:04

If you need to do a farty loud poo, make a 'nest' of toilet paper in the bowl and cover your whole lower part with a towell, it acts as a 'soft furnishing' and absorbs a lot of the noise!

comeondover · 19/06/2023 18:06

To avoid splashback on your fanjo when you poo, put some paper in the loo first.

comeondover · 19/06/2023 18:06

Loo paper, obvs

Bigtom · 19/06/2023 18:09

WalterWitty · 18/06/2023 18:47

If you realise mid wee there no toilet paper left you can use both sides of the card roll. I know someone who does this. Because that someone is me

This is actually a life hack! Thank you!

SirQuintusAureliusMaximus · 19/06/2023 18:15

Don’t Google why we’re chainsaws invented if you are pregnant!

Hands up who immediately googled this. But god this advice is good advice. Fortunately I'm not pregnant. I never knew!

honeyytoast · 19/06/2023 18:17

I would tell anyone this anyway but put plain i scented/sensitive deodorant on your bikini line after shaving

honeyytoast · 19/06/2023 18:17

*non scented Obvs

honeyytoast · 19/06/2023 18:18

comeondover · 19/06/2023 18:06

To avoid splashback on your fanjo when you poo, put some paper in the loo first.

I put toilet paper down anyway to disguise noise, now I can shit comfortably in public or any time other than home alone

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