Advice you’d never share in real life …

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because it would be TMI, or shows a side of you that you prefer not to be seen, etc.

I’ll start 😊

Never let out a large fart while pant-less after applying haemorrhoid cream. Especially when a internal application has been required.

With pants I imagine it’s also pretty bad but more .. contained.

thank me later x

Never eat more than three Quorn sausages per day.

Don't marry for money but be clear on what your minimum is and then add 20%

As another poster has mentioned, grapes & coffee together are an excellent laxative. Add an all-butter croissant into the mix with all its delicious greasiness and it makes for an extremely uncomfortable and whiffy car journey.

Since we are on the subject of farts

Avoid Jerusalem artichoke soup
DH had to take the NEXT day off work

The smell and frequency was indescribable
if it hadn’t stopped by day 3 we’d be divorced

Never got rumbled for the real reason I liked having Casualty on.

Never, ever trust a fart after greedily consuming two full packets of dried apricots. Sore arsed dumb arsed dh came across this helpful nugget of information a bit late whilst waiting in the queue at the cinema.

I had no deodorant left so a splashed a bit of OH's aftershave on, think I enjoyed childbirth more!

What I call pebble dashing the bowl!

Is this really true??

I was going to say the orgasm one ⁰for period pains one. Use a shower if it's powerful enough 😉

This one's slightly maudlin and for the future: (unless he's an only child) do NOT let your middle aged son live with you - for the sake of his sibling/s when the time comes...

" I always carry one of those little nets you get at the petshop for scooping out goldfish for this very purpose. "

I can't stop giggling at this 😂😂

Me too....I kind of use it like blotting paper 🤣🤣

Oh yes, such bullshit.

To my colleague. Maybe if you moved more and didn't live off takeaway your life would be better.

A lovely lady comes and cleans ours and takes the full bags away with her, so definitely not always emptied by a machine.

Better to get a job somewhere else if you're monitored to such an extent.

If you’re in the one office toilet and the toilet won’t flush away your big turd and you know there’s someone waiting and you’ve already flushed twice but it’s very floaty, the sanitary disposal unit is a quick fix solution. You’re welcome. Wash your hands extra well.

And if you have the opposite problem where its far too heavy to float, turn the brush upside down and push it with the handle while flushing until it makes it round the u bend. Wash handle extra well and then hands extra extra well.

And doc leaves to wipe

🤣🤣🤣🤣
my dh held it in through a morning meeting then farted all the way from Tottenham Court Road to Oxford Circus.
Think he made it in record time

"What's a little cheeky poo" has me howling with laughter!

Surely you can take a bowl when you go to the toilet and vomit into that?

I feel that a lit of overthinking is happening here.

If you have an allergy (causing faintness and nausea) due to an unknown spice in Indian food do not select the Asian Vegetarian option as your meal choice on a 7 hour flight from the US to UK. Although you may find you have to put some serious effort into throwing up when on land, when you are 40,000 feet up your gag reflex is apparently much stronger and what you thought would be a few drops of acid in the back of your mouth is actually a horrifying fountain of vomit trampolining out of your stomach like the Old Faithful geyser, only more odorous.

I do this when DH is drifting off to sleep and I have horrible period wind that could blow him out of bed if I just let rip. Oh the relief and it doesn't wake him. It's good advice for the right time!

My advice about avoiding taking a crap at festivals is to do it in the privacy of your tent, into a toddler nappy. Place in bin. Job done.

Gross but better than witnessing a Knebworth '80 situation. Wee into a jar, bit harder to dispose of than the poo though.

For an emergency vomit on public transport where you can’t get off, fold a newspaper in half then half again. Open it up like a cone. Fold it closed at the top politely after use and pretend it never happened.