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Original poster

Advice you’d never share in real life …

437 replies

Spink · 18/06/2023 18:38

because it would be TMI, or shows a side of you that you prefer not to be seen, etc.

I’ll start 😊

Never let out a large fart while pant-less after applying haemorrhoid cream. Especially when a internal application has been required.

With pants I imagine it’s also pretty bad but more .. contained.

thank me later x

OP posts:
Nave · 20/06/2023 22:47

If you are caught in a traffic gridlock with a baby and you have a desperate need to pee you can shove one of the baby’s nappies down your knickers and just wee!

ItsWeirdAroundHere · 20/06/2023 22:47

Don't take a laxative the night before you have a smear test, which you have in the afternoon the day after. Because the laxative won't work in the morning as you planned (lile it usually does), and then you'll forget all about it. But that laxative will choose to remind your bowels of its ingestion as you reach the clinic.

Whatafliberty · 20/06/2023 22:59

If you frequently go to loo at night, and it wakes others up, use discreet jug in your room instead.

Wasley · 20/06/2023 23:03

Whatafliberty · 20/06/2023 22:59

If you frequently go to loo at night, and it wakes others up, use discreet jug in your room instead.

A man can use a large empty liquid wash container or a large empty fabric softener bottle , penis in , pee and pop the lid on job done .

Wasley · 20/06/2023 23:04

Nave · 20/06/2023 22:47

If you are caught in a traffic gridlock with a baby and you have a desperate need to pee you can shove one of the baby’s nappies down your knickers and just wee!

What about the driver next to you 😂

Nave · 21/06/2023 00:20

Wasley · 20/06/2023 23:04

What about the driver next to you 😂

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At that point I didn’t care!!

Cariadm · 21/06/2023 00:49

WiddlinDiddlin · 20/06/2023 21:18

Not wide enough, I've got short fat sausagey legs and hip issues, I cannot get my knees close enough together, and lean forward, and get both feet on a dinky stool.

I have improvised very cleverly... with two (cleaned up!) house bricks. Perfect.

I need to think of something nicer for when my bathroom is done though, house bricks are not quite trendy interior decor!

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As I said...'See link below which is only one of HUNDREDS available online!!' You should have a browse you would be surprised how many shapes and sizes are out there! Good luck although i'm sure the bricks do the job and are better than nothing!! 😊

Okaygoahead · 21/06/2023 02:12

If you’re in a public loo with lots of stalls and you know you’re gearing up for a loud, noisy fart, either pull apart your bum cheeks as a PP suggested or scrunch up some toilet paper and hold it to your anus, following the principle of a mute on a trumpet or a trombone.

Redtaper · 21/06/2023 07:11

Okaygoahead · 21/06/2023 02:12

If you’re in a public loo with lots of stalls and you know you’re gearing up for a loud, noisy fart, either pull apart your bum cheeks as a PP suggested or scrunch up some toilet paper and hold it to your anus, following the principle of a mute on a trumpet or a trombone.

Or just fart?

AmIEnough · 21/06/2023 07:28

🤣🤣🤣🤣 genius!!!

Icantfindmykeys · 21/06/2023 09:29

Ahh too late for that piece of advice 😂😂

BarbieButt · 21/06/2023 09:31

Eyesopenwideawake · 19/06/2023 09:57

If you're buying Canestan in a farmacia, make sure it's for vaginal thrush, not athletes foot. There IS a difference.

I have actually done this🙈

Icantfindmykeys · 21/06/2023 09:39

BadgersBum · 19/06/2023 11:31

This has made me feel a lot better about having to bid a fond farewell to a pair of pants in the bins in IKEA toilets after their value breakfast led to a surprising follow-through incident in the middle of the photo frame department.

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😂😂😂

Eyesopenwideawake · 21/06/2023 10:06

BarbieButt · 21/06/2023 09:31

I have actually done this🙈

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Me too. It burnt a bit.

Annemaria · 21/06/2023 10:34

If you feel the need to let out a fart in public, scrunge, scrunge, scrunge your buttocks hard. Did I invent that word or is it cos I’s northern?

Nily4567 · 21/06/2023 11:49

never sneeze bending over when you have the sh*ts…or so I’ve heard 💩 💨🫣

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 21/06/2023 13:04

Utterknowitall · 20/06/2023 22:31

Two of my kids often do poos that don't flush. You need a poo knife. This could be something like a piece of wooden takeaway cutlery.

I'm 54. I have a DH and have had 5 DC.
Never ever have I had a need for such an implement. And I hope I never will.

I do recall a thread about them a few years back, though... was pretty funny.

Verv · 21/06/2023 13:11

KirstieKaren · 19/06/2023 01:45

If you need to fart quietly, pull your bum cheeks apart.
No vibration, no noise.
Some of the best advice I've ever been given but not exactly some I go around passing on!

Can confirm that this does not work, but does make them exceptionally high pitched like a trombone on helium.

Mothershit · 21/06/2023 13:55

If you think you are going to fart in the office don't just push your arse firmly into the office chair to muffle it.

The fart has to go somewhere and when you next get up you WILL uncontrollably fanny fart the length of the office.

Nanaof1 · 21/06/2023 14:42

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/06/2023 11:39

@Nanaof1 - I recommended cholestyramine to another poster - my GI consultant says that bile acid can often be a contributing factor in IBS - you are supposed to reabsorb it in the small intestine, but those of us lucky enough to have IBS often don't reabsorb it, so it reaches the large intestine and causes the diarrhoea.

Cholestyramine (aka Cholestagel) binds to the bile acid so it can't cause the irritation which causes the diarrhoea.

It hasn't entirely cured my problems, but it really does help.

Thank you! I will have to look into it. Does it come in pill or capsule form?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/06/2023 14:44

It’s a pill, @Nanaof1 - I take four a day.

Nanaof1 · 21/06/2023 14:44

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 20/06/2023 09:23

I didn't understand this one either... perhaps it's to do with the resident child assuming ownership, or at least ongoing residency, of the house, when the siblings would want to sell it and get their share?

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AAahhh! That would make sense. Thank you!

Nanaof1 · 21/06/2023 15:00

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/06/2023 14:44

It’s a pill, @Nanaof1 - I take four a day.

Thank you! I will mention this to my GP next time I go there. I think I do have the bile malabsorption. I don't have my gall bladder either, which probably doesn't help.

sueelleker · 21/06/2023 19:40

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/06/2023 14:44

It’s a pill, @Nanaof1 - I take four a day.

It comes in sachets, too.

Meadowflower2023 · 21/06/2023 20:33

I'm crying here 😂😂 this post has made my day. DH just asked 'what's so funny' so I read a few posts and the one about using the loo roll cardboard to wipe when there's no loo roll left (I've done this and can't believe how many others have too 😁) He just said 'I've had to rip one up into bits before and scrape my bum clean' 😳 who knew?!

Have just informed him how to help with my restless legs and I've just added pineapple rings to the grocery shopping list purely for the hoopla