Advice you’d never share in real life …

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because it would be TMI, or shows a side of you that you prefer not to be seen, etc.

I’ll start 😊

Never let out a large fart while pant-less after applying haemorrhoid cream. Especially when a internal application has been required.

With pants I imagine it’s also pretty bad but more .. contained.

thank me later x

if you have ibs and also did drink a coffee in a cafe, you can poo in a bag for life in the car at the side of the road ... this only works if you live rurally. COuld be awkward parked up on a terraced road in Peckham

Try half a bag of sugar free gummy bears from amazon because I didn't believe the feedback. Fully regret it. 😪 😂😂

They really did; those were the days.......

If you use oestrogen cream, don't use it for at least a week before your smear. Nurse kept bringing out speculums full of cream, showing me and saying "look, this one is full as well." I'd shoved a whole syringe up the night before. Hopefully this saves someone the embarrassment and having to go back today later

If you tread in dog shit, pretend you're tap dancing while you wipe your foot vigorously on grass

Yes, what is wrong with "breasts"?

The person your adult son or daughter is dating may have an influence over your future when you become elderly.

Lots of people say to keep out of your adult children's love life but if they go on to settle down etc and are in a relationship with your children when you're elderly, your adult children's decision over care homes or even down to emergency health decisions are influenced by the people s/he is with.

I remember back in the 80s, when big pockets on skirts was a thing. My cousin vomited into her sil's skirt pocket (over indulgence in alcohol). Vile and funny in equal measures.

Or alternatively buy a neat little fold up stool (no pun intended!) specially made for just that purpose! See link below which is only one of hundreds available online!! We have them and they have been an absolute godsend as it's a well known fact that we in the West approach the whole 'toilet' thing in completely the wrong way! I have come across many 'squat' toilets on my travels over the years, from India to a campsite in the South of France, horrific to our western eyes in the first instance but once used it very quickly becomes obvious which is the better and most efficient way to evacuate one's bowels!! https://www.amazon.co.uk/Squatting-Non-Slip-Bathroom-Constipation-Comfortable/dp/B08Z74HNND/ref=sr_1_3_sspa?adgrpid=122816142464&hvadid=592972089769&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=1007099&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=4450936758723098919&hvtargid=kwd-343575246372&hydadcr=20051_2217567&keywords=adult+poop+stool&qid=1687288416&sr=8-3-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&psc=1

My son once poleaxed someone who had bullied him in a martial arts class. Basically this chap bullied all the smaller kids when they were small... he didn't bank on a few of them getting bigger, stronger and better. I made all kinds of socually acceptable noises about taking it steady, and "remember it's just practice, not the world Championships son".... but inside.... inside it was the most glorious thing I've ever seen. So yeh.... I won't say out loud that I loved it when the other guy had to step out to blow chunks.... top advice... don't bully people, but even better advice, don't bully people who will one day be able to throw you around like a rag doll...

And for javelin arse 🙄🤔🤣🤣🤣

I tried, and there is no remedy for Javelin Arse other than someone knocking you out. Thank God for the menopause.

I'd love to think there's a Javelin Arse troll, but nobody is that weird.

If you get the shits and decide to drive home rather than murder the work toilets, but then get stuck at every traffic lights all the way home such that when you finally pull up at home white knuckled, drenched in sweat and needing to be assisted (practically carried) by your husband out of the shit tsunami that is all over the car.... seriously, there was some on the windscreen.... then.... I have a couple of pieces of advice:

1. Just shit at work before going home.
2. Accept that your husband will boil all your clothes, including the cashmere jumper with shit on the neck.
3. AND THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT. Never turn on the heated seats in your car ever again....

This in our house is known as a 'Glastonbury Poo' because on one of our first visits to the festival in our old camper van which was only equipped with a normal basic 'portaloo' really only OK for liquids and not the all singing/dancing and flushing type we have in our caravan now! 😊The toilet block on the camper field was quite a way off and using it was not the most savoury experience 😱so I devised a cunning plan to line the bowl of the loo with an opened out carrier bag, do the the necessary 💩tie it all up, drop it outside the van and asap pop it in the nearest rubbish skip!! Brilliant, although it's advisable NOT to pee in it at the same time as not all carriers are entirely leak proof!! 🤔🙄

Definitely not that.... but the the PP... I'm menopausal and that is definitely helping 🤞🤞🤞

Something about the pace of walking in a supermarket always makes me poop!

Not wide enough, I've got short fat sausagey legs and hip issues, I cannot get my knees close enough together, and lean forward, and get both feet on a dinky stool.

I have improvised very cleverly... with two (cleaned up!) house bricks. Perfect.

I need to think of something nicer for when my bathroom is done though, house bricks are not quite trendy interior decor!

I have 2, learned from others but useless to me because I don’t drink.
Catheter users: Red wine stored in a clean, unused and unattached catheter bag clandestinely stored upon ones person, easily pours at the perfect temperature into a glass.
Likewise filling a blackcurrant Ribena bottle with Red wine.

Your own conscience will determine how and when you use that information - I thank you ;)

1. AND THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT. Never turn on the heated seats in your car ever again....

OMG! This takes me back to when we had just bought our car, didn’t realise it had heated seats, never had them before, my teen turned them on to max. Rather nice feeling at first, and then came the sinking feeling that all was not well. Thankfully it was only the school run but I have never moved from car to loo so quickly, Usain Bolt would have been proud! I refuse to use them now 😂😂

This works for women too!

Two of my kids often do poos that don't flush. You need a poo knife. This could be something like a piece of wooden takeaway cutlery.

A poo knife 🤣🤣😂

Please don't do this if you've eaten Swiss sugar free sweets/ coffee, croissants and grapes/ applied sudocream 😂

yep it is - standard advice to only go c to a, NEVER the other way round.