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Original poster

Really need advice D's gf 18 has said her dad has been abusing her...

127 replies

Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 17:10

They have been together 3 years and she is very insecure and needy. Recently they have been arguing more, and D's basically ended the relationship. She was obviously upset. Today DS has just rang to ask if gf can now move in, obviously I was totally confused.
And that's when he told me. Apparently it has happened when she was younger and when he was drunk but hasn't happened since her and D's have been together until recently when they had a party and my D's wasn't there. She can't speak to her mum as never alone, dad apparently is also abusive to her. She has 4 other siblings, one a boy. I feel completely out of my depth and my cynical mind is also wondering if it's true or a ploy to get D's back. But then who would make this up??? Surely not. I can't really afford have her living here long term, plus I have to think of my own D's mental health as he hasn't been happy in the relationship. What do I do? I want to help her and believe her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 17:12

I don't think she will speak to the police. So not an option at the moment.

OP posts:
ThreeRingCircus · 14/06/2023 17:12

She can't move in if you can't have her there long term and your DS hasn't been happy. I would tell her that you believe her and will support her if she wants to go to the police to make a statement.

Mollymoomoomoo · 14/06/2023 17:20

Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 17:12

I don't think she will speak to the police. So not an option at the moment.

She may not want to talk to the police but there’s a safeguarding issue if there are other children in the house. You can’t sit with this knowledge without reporting it to the Police who will do a joint investigation with children social care. You have a duty to report it and I would tell the girlfriend this, regardless of what she wants to do.

Survey99 · 14/06/2023 17:24

Offer to support her going to police, or your home to meet with her mum alone. Or point her in the direction of support services - womans aid, rape crisis, but tell her moving in with you is not going to be an option.

Speak to your ds and explain the seriousness of the situation and you/he can support her together but not to confuse caring about the situation someone is in and actively wanting to be in a relationship with them. He should not get back with her just because she is upset and should make it clear to her he is offering friendship and support only. He should avoid intense emotional conversations and think about the other people she has in her life who would be more appropriate support (grandparents, aunts/uncles, friends).

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 17:31

I think Ds thinks this sort of explains her behaviour, he believes her. He does love her still. It's alot to process right now to be honest. she has only just turned 18 isn't in any education or employment right now either.

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 14/06/2023 17:35

I don't think she should move in. DS ended the relationship, would she be moving into his room or a spare room.? In the nicest way possible, this I not your problem, you can help by encouraging her to speak to rape crisis or even the police but not much further you can do, IMHO x

parietal · 14/06/2023 17:35

you could call childline for advice or NSPCC and encourage the GF to do the same.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 17:36

Mollymoomoomoo · 14/06/2023 17:20

She may not want to talk to the police but there’s a safeguarding issue if there are other children in the house. You can’t sit with this knowledge without reporting it to the Police who will do a joint investigation with children social care. You have a duty to report it and I would tell the girlfriend this, regardless of what she wants to do.

Show quote history

I do understand what you are saying but unless she talks then they will not act on it just on my word surely. I think she is worried about losing her family too, which obviously could happen. I haven't spoken to her yet. I didn't know what to think, Ds always liked her dad and spent time there. I've not even met them as didn't like that they were giving my D's alcohol underage. Also I in worried how my DH will react.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 17:38

Well it has become my problem as D's is now worried and is with her. it sounds awful but I'm worried she has made it up to get D's back, but surely this would be extreme? Would someone like about this?

OP posts:
FeltCarrot · 14/06/2023 17:39

If you suspect the younger siblings are also being abused, you absolutely have a duty to report to the police.

LillyoftheMountain · 14/06/2023 17:42

I don’t know how invested I’d be in this until she has spoken to the police. I’d wonder what her motives were to withhold this information to your son while dating him only to tell him once they split up.

hotjuneafternoon · 14/06/2023 17:43

LakeTiticaca · 14/06/2023 17:35

I don't think she should move in. DS ended the relationship, would she be moving into his room or a spare room.? In the nicest way possible, this I not your problem, you can help by encouraging her to speak to rape crisis or even the police but not much further you can do, IMHO x

in response to this, safeguarding is everyone's problem. We all have a duty to report when we know or suspect abuse is
happening.

Holly60 · 14/06/2023 17:44

Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 17:38

Well it has become my problem as D's is now worried and is with her. it sounds awful but I'm worried she has made it up to get D's back, but surely this would be extreme? Would someone like about this?

This is exactly why I agree you need to get her to speak to the police. Especially if younger siblings are involved.

I think it will become clearer what the truth is, if you do this.

Survey99 · 14/06/2023 17:44

Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 17:38

Well it has become my problem as D's is now worried and is with her. it sounds awful but I'm worried she has made it up to get D's back, but surely this would be extreme? Would someone like about this?

Yes it is possible she is lying. But when it comes to safeguarding you need to presume she isn't until it is proven otherwise by professionals.

Good points others have made about the other female children in the house, as the adult here you have a duty to discuss this with professionals on how to handle correctly before discussing any further with either your ds or the gf.

WeeOrcadian · 14/06/2023 17:45

My first call would be to the police - she says that her siblings are being abused - there is your safeguarding issue - get them called ASAP

Carryonkeepinggoing · 14/06/2023 17:45

If you know what school her younger siblings go to then you could report it to their safeguarding team?

FeltCarrot · 14/06/2023 17:47

Or do you know which school the younger ones attend? You could contact the Safeguarding Lead there.

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 14/06/2023 17:47

Tough one.

Is all this coming via DS? Did he already know?

I am DSL at school, and nothing surprises me anymore. Not the hideous things humans do to other humans or the lies some humans will tell to obtain something they want very badly.

You have to take all of what you're being told at face value. You have to tell your son that you will be contacting the police/NSPCC. Then you have to do it.

From your posts I don't think you're convinced she's telling the truth. I wouldn't be either. But you don't know that so you have to act on the knowledge you've been given.

Tell your son she can stay a couple of nights (if she can) but the authorities are being informed tonight.

Mischance · 14/06/2023 17:48

Report to police and to siblings' school's safeguarding lead.

Offer her support and advice but not a refuge with you - it is too complex and serious a situation for your son to be dealing with. Explain to him that you do care, but you do not want him embroiled in this and will take the right steps.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 17:49

I have asked and mentioned about the other siblings and apparently it is only her, obviously we do not know this as fact and as I have explained to Ds if this is true, he could be doing the same or move on to the next. I am trying to process it and haven't spoken to her in person yet. Ideally I want her to talk to her mum. If I do report it, unless the sibling or she speaks then it will be difficult to prove.

OP posts:
Pontipin · 14/06/2023 17:51

LillyoftheMountain · 14/06/2023 17:42

I don’t know how invested I’d be in this until she has spoken to the police. I’d wonder what her motives were to withhold this information to your son while dating him only to tell him once they split up.

^this.

Also, I don’t see it as helpful to “force” her to speak to the police.

It’s her decision surely.

Also, was it said in confidence to your son? Does she know that you know as well?

If they have split up already, why is she telling your son this now? Doesn’t mean it’s not true, but what does she expect him to realistically do?

I would tread carefully with this …

iolaus · 14/06/2023 17:51

What does she mean by 'abused' her? - if she is meaning sexual abuse then for the sake of her younger siblings you need to contact the police

Your son's ex girlfriend has to take a lower priority in living in your house than your son

I would offer to call her mother and arrange for the three of you to meet up and be there for her to tell her mother, or take her to the police etc but not move in

StopStartStop · 14/06/2023 17:55

She might deny if she finds out you know. Just to stop her world crashing around her ears, whether it's true or not.

Don't let her move in. Do contact authorities.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 17:56

This all came from a phone call from DS. I need to speak to her myself and sort of explain what we need to do. I feel like I need to say that what she is saying is serious. Ds didn't know about it before. Apparently her dad hasn't got a job now and is at home.all the time, her mum is never alone etc to talk to. I need.to work out is this genuine or a reason to get Ds back. To be honest we haven't had much to do with her family, as totally difficult to ours. DS now says he can see that she was difficult around her dad etc. I need to think. Maybe I could ring social care anonymously for advice? She can maybe say for a few days to think things over. I need to give her the opportunity to tell the truth and not be reactive to the breakup. I also need to speak to D's alone. He says he believes her.

OP posts:
Hairyfairy01 · 14/06/2023 17:59

You absolutely have a duty of care to report it. Let the police do the investigating. I wouldn't be informing her mother, she is likely to tell her father and it could all blow up very quickly / destroy any evidence etc. Quick call to 111 and go from there. I wouldn't let her move in however, even for one night. Possibly I would pay for a b n b for a few nights if she was desperate.