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Original poster

Really need advice D's gf 18 has said her dad has been abusing her...

127 replies

Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 17:10

They have been together 3 years and she is very insecure and needy. Recently they have been arguing more, and D's basically ended the relationship. She was obviously upset. Today DS has just rang to ask if gf can now move in, obviously I was totally confused.
And that's when he told me. Apparently it has happened when she was younger and when he was drunk but hasn't happened since her and D's have been together until recently when they had a party and my D's wasn't there. She can't speak to her mum as never alone, dad apparently is also abusive to her. She has 4 other siblings, one a boy. I feel completely out of my depth and my cynical mind is also wondering if it's true or a ploy to get D's back. But then who would make this up??? Surely not. I can't really afford have her living here long term, plus I have to think of my own D's mental health as he hasn't been happy in the relationship. What do I do? I want to help her and believe her.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 14/06/2023 18:00

If you report this to the police OP, you would be reporting something that has not been said to you. Unless you were told this by her?

This makes it diffiicult because you're reporting an allegation by someone about someone else, not reported to you but to someone else.

The best route for this is that she is supported by your son to report to the police or authorities.

Who is it who said that the abuse is only against her and not other siblings in the property?

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 18:01

Yes sexual. I haven't got all the information yet hence why I need to speak to them. I just feel sick to be honest.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 14/06/2023 18:01

LillyoftheMountain · 14/06/2023 17:42

I don’t know how invested I’d be in this until she has spoken to the police. I’d wonder what her motives were to withhold this information to your son while dating him only to tell him once they split up.

Exactly this. Funny timing.

ProfessorXtra · 14/06/2023 18:01

There is no way she could possibly know if he is abusing the other children or not. This can’t be ignored. But no, I wouldn’t move her in If it was any eldest a partner. We don’t have room, I have another child and I am not sure we would be equipped to support her through this from such a close position.

If it’s true, there’s alot to process and recover from for her. Being in a stressed living situation wouldn’t help. If she is lying, then having her in the house is a risk.

2bazookas · 14/06/2023 18:05

also wondering if it's true or a ploy

It's not your problem to decide that. She has claimed assault; there are younger children at risk in the home; report it to the polioce and they will investigate.

Meanwhile, don't let her move in with you. If it's "a ploy" to get her own way, it's one she could use against any man in your home including DS.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 18:05

DS when I asked about her sisters. I then said but if she moves in with us how about her siblings. I really hope she isn't lying as this will destroy her family for nothing, but at the same time I hope to isn't true. Her family live a totally different life to us, plus I was unhappy when they were letting D's drink underage without asking or stay without letting me know. So we have had issues with them and don't really have much to say or do with them.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 14/06/2023 18:05

You absolutely have a duty of care to report to the police. Call.them up or log it.online. you have to report it,.no.matter what she says.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 18:08

But I'd it is true how do I send her back to the house? She is 18. She has an older sister 19 and a younger sister 16. I don't want to report straight to the police but will call ss for advice.

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 14/06/2023 18:10

You don't need to decide if she's telling the truth or not. You need to report it to the police so they can decide. I wouldn't say that if it were only her, but there are other children involved here.

Hairyfairy01 · 14/06/2023 18:12

Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 18:08

But I'd it is true how do I send her back to the house? She is 18. She has an older sister 19 and a younger sister 16. I don't want to report straight to the police but will call ss for advice.

The police will deal with all of that. It's likely the dad will be asked to leave the property whilst they investigate. That's not your issue to be honest. Your issue is that you have been told information of a crime. You therefore report it. They investigate it not you. It's a simple duty of care thing for both her and her siblings.

AgathaSpencerGregson · 14/06/2023 18:14

This is incredibly stressful for you but you are not in a position to assess this situation so don’t put yourself under pressure to do so. All you can do is involve the professionals.

ProfessorXtra · 14/06/2023 18:16

Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 18:08

But I'd it is true how do I send her back to the house? She is 18. She has an older sister 19 and a younger sister 16. I don't want to report straight to the police but will call ss for advice.

You report it to the police

Outsideno9 · 14/06/2023 18:17

my cynical mind is also wondering if it's true or a ploy to get D's back.

I want to help her and believe her

Just leave her alone. You don't really want to believe her and she doesn't need judgement or doubt on top of dealing with this.

The right thing to do is to report what you have heard. But it's also right not to blame or question someone who is brave enough to tell.

otherusername · 14/06/2023 18:20

She might be able to go to a refuge or be housed in temporary accommodation if she is fleeing domestic abuse, you could support her to approach the council housing team. You should also report to social services if there are other children in the house hold.

blithely · 14/06/2023 18:26

We had something very similar. DS was in therapy at the time and CAMHS were threatening to call the police. DS had a serious conversation with the girl and she admitted to making the lot up! (The accused didn't even exist in her case.)
I would get DS to speak to her further about the implications of this. She raised it with him so ...

Outdamnspot23 · 14/06/2023 18:29

Child abuse is so much more common than you might think. She could theoretically be just saying this to emotionally blackmail your son, but it's a pretty huge thing to lie about. Statistically the overwhelming majority (more than 90%) of sexual assault allegations are true, so unfortunately the odds are she's telling the truth.

She certainly doesn't need to hear things from you about it being serious or it having the possibility to destroy her family, it just needs reporting to the authorities who can investigate it.

I wonder how many people each year tell someone about their abuse and it's disbelieved/not followed up?

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 18:30

Outsideno9 · 14/06/2023 18:17

my cynical mind is also wondering if it's true or a ploy to get D's back.

I want to help her and believe her

Just leave her alone. You don't really want to believe her and she doesn't need judgement or doubt on top of dealing with this.

The right thing to do is to report what you have heard. But it's also right not to blame or question someone who is brave enough to tell.

Um seriously! This has only come out now due to her and my D's breaking up yesterday. I haven't spoken to her or D's face to face.i found a few hours with D's asking if she can move in and she is willing pay rent etc as just got a job. It's alot to process when suddenly out of the blue. I surely need to be able to speak to them both before reporting it. She hasn't actually disclosed to me has she!

OP posts:
Outdamnspot23 · 14/06/2023 18:30

blithely · 14/06/2023 18:26

We had something very similar. DS was in therapy at the time and CAMHS were threatening to call the police. DS had a serious conversation with the girl and she admitted to making the lot up! (The accused didn't even exist in her case.)
I would get DS to speak to her further about the implications of this. She raised it with him so ...

This is actually more common - where false allegations of sexual assault are made, I've read they are usually against an unnamed (or maybe made up) person.

monsteramunch · 14/06/2023 18:31

MrTiddlesTheCat · 14/06/2023 18:10

You don't need to decide if she's telling the truth or not. You need to report it to the police so they can decide. I wouldn't say that if it were only her, but there are other children involved here.

Absolutely this.

Deciding what to do about such a serious allegation is above your pay grade, which is why you need to pass the information on to the police and let them take it from there.

You're trying to base your next steps on whether or not she's telling the truth but the fact of the matter is you'll never know that for sure and as there are other children there you need to act on the basis of worst case scenario. Which is that it may be true, so the police need to know asap.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 14/06/2023 18:32

It's so much easier for people to say this and do that when they aren't in it. I obviously n we to speak to them both. I need to speak to D's how about how the conversation came up, who suggested moving in etc.

OP posts:
Outdamnspot23 · 14/06/2023 18:33

Say this is true, and she's just told your son about it maybe revealing it for the first time - do you think she's ready to sit down round the table for a chat about it with his mum?

BreatheAndFocus · 14/06/2023 18:39

You absolutely need to report this. Just say what you were told and by whom. That way you’ll be doing the right thing and passing it on to professionals to assess. You shouldn’t get involved, and you shouldn’t let the girl move in with you. Let the police/SS deal with it.

If she has actually made this all up, letting her move in could put your family at risk. If it’s true, then she’ll need support you can’t give.

Pontipin · 14/06/2023 18:41

I would say DONT call the police. You don’t even know if it’s true! It’s a second-hand allegation via someone else (your son) and could even be untrue. (like @blithely ’s experience). Not an easy situation but I believe “All guns blazing” is NOT the way to go. It’s also HER call what to do. Maybe ask police or social service anonymously? (if that’s possible). But it’s not your issue if it’s a third party allegation where there may be ulterior motives ie staying with you. Tread carefully

Hairyfairy01 · 14/06/2023 18:43

No you don't need to speak to them both! You need to stop trying to be a detective and let the police deal with it. It is there job, they have specially trained people for this. Do you really think this poor girl is going to suddenly open up to you and speak about stuff she has potentially been bottling up for years. Things that she is still trying to get her head around? What are you after, graphic details? Reassurance that she is being truthful? Her to be backed into a corner and get so embarrassed, upset etc that she then denies it? Let the police do their job and help safeguard both her and her siblings. This is not your job to manage, it is however your duty to report.

monsteramunch · 14/06/2023 18:45

Hairyfairy01 · 14/06/2023 18:43

No you don't need to speak to them both! You need to stop trying to be a detective and let the police deal with it. It is there job, they have specially trained people for this. Do you really think this poor girl is going to suddenly open up to you and speak about stuff she has potentially been bottling up for years. Things that she is still trying to get her head around? What are you after, graphic details? Reassurance that she is being truthful? Her to be backed into a corner and get so embarrassed, upset etc that she then denies it? Let the police do their job and help safeguard both her and her siblings. This is not your job to manage, it is however your duty to report.

This. Please listen to this OP.