Really need advice D's gf 18 has said her dad has been abusing her...

[Meltinthemiddle]

They have been together 3 years and she is very insecure and needy. Recently they have been arguing more, and D's basically ended the relationship. She was obviously upset. Today DS has just rang to ask if gf can now move in, obviously I was totally confused.
And that's when he told me. Apparently it has happened when she was younger and when he was drunk but hasn't happened since her and D's have been together until recently when they had a party and my D's wasn't there. She can't speak to her mum as never alone, dad apparently is also abusive to her. She has 4 other siblings, one a boy. I feel completely out of my depth and my cynical mind is also wondering if it's true or a ploy to get D's back. But then who would make this up??? Surely not. I can't really afford have her living here long term, plus I have to think of my own D's mental health as he hasn't been happy in the relationship. What do I do? I want to help her and believe her.

She has disclosed abuse in her house by her father. A house that has other children who are also at risk.

It absolutely shouldn’t be her call. She shouldn’t be carrying the weight of this decision to speak up or not.

Yeah, and sleep soundly whilst trying not to visualise her younger siblings getting abused tonight. Jesus, this is basic safeguarding people. We cannot know if it's 'true' or not. But the OP has a responsibility to ensure professionals are aware of the allegation so they can investigate it. As a society we need to do better and not stick out heads in the sand.

No but I need to at least speak to him and find out what was said exactly. Obviously I was a bit shocked at the time and he had met her during the phone call so I didn't get a chance to speak anymore as I could hear she was upset so said for him to comfort her, whilst I took time to process it. He did try passing the phone to her and I said she was upset so just for him to listen and comfort her. I'm hoping he will be home soon so I can speak to him. I do need to know the facts and not hearsay. The emphasis seemed to be about her moving in more then anything.and getting away from him. But there are other children involved.

OP it's not your responsibility to question the girl about this, your only role is to inform the police & let the do their job. If you aren't able to take her in then social work will be able to help if necessary.

I would support her going to women's aid. They will support her in reporting to the police. They will support her with accommodation and counselling and everything else she may need.

Do not let her stay/move in to your house, at what point would it be possible for her to move out again? If your ds already broke it off with her then getting back together is just a trauma response and it wouldn't be healthy for your ds.

Regardless of anything else happening your ds should be your priority and inviting his ex to stay with him or an undefined period of time isn't a good move.

Don't speak to her or her parents. That could put her in danger.

You clearly don't have safeguarding training- no reason you should have- which is why you must refer to social services or police.

If it helps you, call NSPCC for advice- she has younger siblings. They will tell you what to do.

But tell school, police, social services or NSPCC. Or all of them.

They have the training and skills to assess whether more needs to be done.

You don't.

Children/adults who have been abused by family members are nearly all (99.9% of the time) absolutely concerned that the same person has done it to their siblings. And they normally do.

The police are not going to investigate a report on behalf of someone else. Any crime that is reported by the girl herself will be investigated in respect of that specific allegation, not on the basis that there could be other abuse taking place

The police should then refer to SSD to say that they have arrested (if they do) the man on suspicion of sexual assualt)

Anyone thinking that OP can just ring up and report this on hearsay and the police are going to go out and investigate without a victim report dont understand this.

I get this, do talk to your son about it. But he's not going to be able to know the real story behind this either. If you're confused imagine being a teenager hearing this news. I was in my twenties when a good friend revealed their child sexual abuse to me and honestly I was absolutely in shock - I'll never forget how I felt and also how hard it was to know what to say to my friend in the moment. Can't imagine the impact it would have hearing this as a teen, and from someone you have been in a long relationship with/where you know the potential perpetrator.

You do need to listen to what he's got to say, but he's not going to help you make a plan - you need to do that.

Don’t let her stay or move in. Either report it to the police and let them handle it or, if you are worried about her family, tell them that you are going to report it. If she freaks out and backtracks/changes the story at the thought of involving the police it will be pretty telling, and it will be an eye-opener to your son that she was willing to manipulate him like that. If her reaction is genuine, then go through with reporting it. If you can’t tell one way or the other, go through with reporting it and let the police figure it out.

The fact that he broke up with her yesterday and today there’s suddenly an emergency that somehow necessitates her moving into your house is highly suspicious. I really wouldn’t be engaging or getting involved with this beyond the bare minimum.

Just to say - aside from DS' experience, I know of four girls who have lied about being raped. The victims: the nephew of a friend (it ruined his life - she apologised and came clean after 2 years), two close family friends' sons and a friend's husband. All four girls admitted the lie eventually. So I am torn. I would get your DS to tell her as a courtesy that you are going to the police and take it from there.

You need to be the adult in the situation and report it! Call 111 and they will put you onto the right services. If it’s true other children and any young people who come into contact with this man are at risk, people don’t abuse children once and then just never again. You have a responsibility as an adult to report this, put it into the hands of people who can help.

Thank you, and this is what I was trying to say. I just want to make sure she is ok, reassure her and explain what are options are but obviously we have to make sure she and her siblings are safe. Ultimately if anyone has to move out it needs to be him.
My worry is if I report it and she and her siblings don't talk to police, SS, then nothing will get done and he will then know which may compromise them more. Would they speak to the siblings descreetly? What's happens if she doesn't speak to them. Ideally we want her to be sure and to feel supported to talk knowing she is the victim and he needs to be dealt with.

This. Take advice - as a safeguarding issue you should not do nothing, but I would advise against speaking directly to the girl of the family unless she opens up to you first.

Find out what she's said to your son. If it is allegations of abuse report to police. Police will handle it and if it's been fabricated then that will come out. A sorry state of affairs if she's made it up. But if it's true it can bring a criminal to account, start the healing process for abused children and prevent future crime against defenceless children.

For people who don't know 1 in 3 girls are sexually abused as children. For boys it's 1 in 7.

Horrible statistics, but true.

If you report it to police they cant and wont do anything. You are not the victim. And you're not the parent of a child victim, she is an adult and you're not her mother

The only talking that needs to be done is to support her to report it.

What do you think would happen if you report it, phone up, give details etc and if (and its a big if) they make contact with her and she denies making the allegation? It looks like you're making malicious allegations.

You can report child sexual abuse if you’re concerned a child/young person is at risk - you contact the children’s social care team at the local council. If you think they’re at immediate risk of a crime you call 999. You do not need to be sure.

It’s not OP’s job to get info out of DS or the gf or ascertain if it’s true or not. That should be handled by social services or the police who are properly trained.

Gf has made an allegation of a serious crime and there are 2 other girls including a 16 year old in the house. Gf says her sister has not been abused but she may or may not be right, and if she leaves the 16 year old may be at risk.

You can’t not pass this on to the proper channels.

You need to report to social services rather than speak to her or her mum, you’re potentially putting her or her siblings at greater risk if you don’t.

@bellac11 if you report and it's the only report then maybe not. However if there were other reports or concerns- perhaps teachers least had concerns- then it may be enough to trigger next steps.

This is a sad predicament to be in.

I would urge you not to get involved by talking to the girl. You should report it to SW and let them make enquiries from there.

You do not have the necessary skills (no offence) to reassure this girl about what needs to happen and what happens next.

Also do be wary that if the allegation is malicious you are allowing said person around your own son and husband.

Although I’m not saying it is malicious you need to err on the side of caution until you take proper advice.

DS texted and she wants to talk to her mum, Ds said her dad has also treated her mum badly so now I'm worried that her mum will take her dad's side.

It doesn’t matter that she she might not want to speak to them. With cases like this it’s like putting a jigsaw together. For all you know the Police may have other information. Children’s social care will want to do a safeguarding visit and may also have had concerns raised from elsewhere.

There are reports which say the main reason people don't report abuse is that they are afraid of getting it wrong and ruining the people's lives.

Children's lives ARE ruined if they don't get the support they need to escape abuse.

Safeguarding is everyone's duty.
Abusers may be clearly dodgy characters, but may appear as perfectly normal people.

Your role is not to work out what has gone on. Your role is report and let the professionals offer support.

This 100%

She might: that's not your problem. Someone has told you about childhood sexual abuse. There are other young people in the home. All you need to do is tell them police and a they will conduct an investigation.

Op this isn't a row, a family matter or an arguement... it's a crime! It's also not your responsibility bar reporting!