Really need advice D's gf 18 has said her dad has been abusing her...

[Meltinthemiddle]

They have been together 3 years and she is very insecure and needy. Recently they have been arguing more, and D's basically ended the relationship. She was obviously upset. Today DS has just rang to ask if gf can now move in, obviously I was totally confused.
And that's when he told me. Apparently it has happened when she was younger and when he was drunk but hasn't happened since her and D's have been together until recently when they had a party and my D's wasn't there. She can't speak to her mum as never alone, dad apparently is also abusive to her. She has 4 other siblings, one a boy. I feel completely out of my depth and my cynical mind is also wondering if it's true or a ploy to get D's back. But then who would make this up??? Surely not. I can't really afford have her living here long term, plus I have to think of my own D's mental health as he hasn't been happy in the relationship. What do I do? I want to help her and believe her.

You don't need to be so indignant; dou don't really believe it's true, so she doesn't really need you to be involved in 'helping'.

Either you think she, and someone else, might be at risk and you genuinely want to know what to do (report it as a safeguarding concern), or you want people to speculate that she probably just said it for your son's attention.

It's not your role to ask leading questions by trying to investigate yourself and of course a report can be made about concerns for others at risk. Even if you're not convinced, it's better to be safe than sorry.

If this has happened to her and she's also not believed by someone she didn't even tell directly, that can have massive repercussions.

I am not asking leading questions! FFS.

Speak to your son before reporting it sure, but don’t get involved in talking to her.

I said it's not your role to do that, not they you currently were. I also said it's your duty to report this to someone, which is something else you don't seem to be doing.

I think to start with you need to give her a place to stay and an opportunity to talk for a few days. Go from there.

apparently it is only her, obviously we do not know this as fact and as I have explained to Ds if this is true, he could be doing the same or move on to the next.

I knew someone who raped more than one of his children, moving from one to another. Each child thought they were the only victim and never said a word, until eventually one of them finally confronted him after they left home and then asked their siblings. He went to jail.

It possible she's lying, but unlikely ( false accusations are rarely made against a patent) and who wants to take the risk?

I have some experience of this kind of thing, OP. You're handling it at the moment very slightly as if you were in the middle a teen drama (I can't think of a nice way to say this).

You need to withdraw from personal involvement and stick solely to reporting what you know to the social services and the police. They will contact the young woman and as she's now 18, she can decide whether or not she wants to pursue it.

If she were under 18, her mother would need to be involved - but that's not the case. However, if she did genuinely have this experience, I would hope that she would be courageous enough to pursue it to prevent it happening to any of her siblings, and that the professionals involved would be able to help her to feel confident about doing this without fear of any comeback.

This is bad advice.

Maybe she didn't mention it before because she was worried/ashamed and only mentioned it once they split as to maybe explain her behaviour to your ds ?

I wouldn't speak to her mum, personally. I'd report to the police and let them deal with it. I wouldn't even speak to her about it.

If it is true, it may even be that mum knows, she may even be implicated. Leave it to the professionals.

If it turns out to be true, the more involved you are, the more involved you'll have to be in future proceedings (interviews etc). Stay away as much as you can.

I work in safeguarding with young people who've been in this exact position. This is terrible advice. Op you have a legal responsibility to pass this information on to police and social services. Its absolutely non negotiable.

It's not your job to decide if it happened or not. It's not your job to make her talk to police or get her to open up (it's theirs). However if she opens up later and says that you knew about it and did nothing then you would be investigated for breaking the law as its your legal duty to report if a crime has taken place. I've seen it happen before. If there are younger children in the house you cannot sit on this no matter how uncomfortable you feel. You need to suck it up. Pass on exactly what you know, facts not opinions and you do it as soon as physically possible. If ds kicks up a fuss you tell him what he's shared is extremely serious and that you have a duty to safeguard his gf and her siblings .

It might go nowhere, but at the worst on some level at least you cared enough to take her seriously and that matters in itself.

If the mum takes his side, it might be because she's too scared of him to say anything. It seems from what you've been told that the mum could well be a victim too.

Moving in is. Bad idea
I'd offer support with police or rape crisis centre
An abused child - her family - DS relationship - your feelings it's a lot to deal with

Call the NSPCC for proper advice.

I think it may also be a possibility that you could report it to the school safeguarding officer if you know the school that the younger sister attends. But I would ask the NSPCC if that is advisable.

There is currently no legal duty to report (although there are suggestions such a duty should be introduced- probably for professionals not members of the public). You are not under any legal obligation to report this matter but I personally think it would be better to do so. You are in no position to assess this situation which is potentially very serious. Speak to your son, then social services.

There is statutory guidance, but not a legal requirement, to report abuse. However the SG creates an expectation that people working with children/young people will comply with the guidance in all but exceptional circumstances.

Moreover, a number of professional regulators and bodies (mainly health and social care sectors) require their members to report concerns regarding a child’s safety or well-being. A professional’s failure to do so may result in misconduct or fitness to practice procedures against them.

Moving in isn't a good idea but I'd definitely report to the police for her safety and her siblings

None of what you are talking about applies to the OP. Please admit you were wrong and stop trying to mislead her. She has enough on her plate.

You describe her family's lifestyle as very different to yours and say your son and his gf drink alcohol at her house, which the alleged abuser is aware of? I mean, it's not out of the realms of possibility that she's telling the truth.

Admit I was wrong about what? I think you need to read the thread responses more carefully. You’ve got the wrong poster.

I set out carefully to whom the statutory guidance applies.

You should report it. Faced with a kind, well trained in sa police officer wanting her to open up, in a safe environment, she might do so. She opened up to your son after all. Even if she doesn't, there are other kids in the house who may well be questioned too, and they may want to open up and talk about this, and get help.

You need to report it.

Also, if you know about this and don't report it, it makes you complicit, which might have practical consequences for you, as well as the more abstract ethical impact.

On further inspection this depends on where you are in the UK. Where I am it is a legal duty to report if you know a crime has taken place. And I know people who have been interviewed and investigated by police because they didn't report promptly. (They were waiting until the person was ready to make a statement)

Your original post told the OP she would be breaking the law. This is completely untrue. Rather than admit this you post a load of info about statutory guidance which you know perfectly well doesn’t apply to her. I don’t know why you’re doing this - perhaps it makes you feel important- but you should stop it.
I’ve reported the relevant posts and I hope they get deleted.

The timing seems suspiciously convenient, and I would bet that she is lying to manipulate OP’s son.
Pointing her to relevant agencies is the best course of action for the OP.

You may not intend to, but it is very important that these conversations are handled by highly trained professionals, by having discussions yourself you could unintentionally 'muddy the waters'. Easy for us to say, and harder for you to do, but the advice to report to police is the right advice. (I'm a social worker)