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Original poster

Am I making the right decision not having children?.

118 replies

whatsnewpussycat34 · 13/06/2023 08:43

I know this has been done to death but please can those who don't have children (by choice) tell me whether regretted it?

And also could those who were on the fence give they're experience after having children?

I've always been on the fence on being a mother, literally from one week to the next. We've been ttc for over a year with no luck and the whole process has given me anxiety about whether I would even want to be a mother now.

Don't get me wrong, if I had a child I believe I'd be a good mum and love and nurture him/her but I don't have this overwhelming desire to be a mum.

I think I love the idea of being a mum but something in my mind is telling me the reality is horrific 😂

My partner and I have loads of family support, good jobs, own home etc so the practical side of it is absolutely fine but I do worry about the impact on our lives and im already a massive worrier.

Basically im worried if I do and im worried if I don't 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 13/06/2023 08:49

Hie yourself over to the childfree board and ask. There are people there who've been through the same process as you.

Original poster
whatsnewpussycat34 · 13/06/2023 08:53

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain oh I didn't realize there was one, thanks very much

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 13/06/2023 08:55

You'll get very different answers if you stay on both boards - definitely a broad range of opinions.

Wolfpa · 13/06/2023 08:55

I am also not sure if I want children but when I think about it I can’t think of a strong reason why to have them and I can think of lots of reasons not to.

Fifthtimelucky · 13/06/2023 08:56

I tend to the view that if you're not absolutely sure you want children you shouldn't have them.

How old are you? Do you realistically need to decide now or can you put the decision off for a few years?

Daffodilwoman · 13/06/2023 08:58

I’m not in your position but of the friends I have who chose not to have children, no, none of then regrets it. They are all positive that they made the right decision.

allabouttheboy · 13/06/2023 09:02

With this decision you can never know if you made the right decision. But I agree, if you don't really want children, don't have them.

TinyBarista · 13/06/2023 09:03

I ttc for many years without success. In reality I think the fact I couldn't do it drove me on more, and I had the expectation that children are always a "natural progression" in a relationship. I hadn't thought past the pregnancy and baby stage in all honesty.
Taking a step back, and now in my early 40s, I have realised how happy I am to be child free - as is my partner.
It wasn't exactly a conscious decision but one made by infertility, and we are absolutely fine with that and being child free is definitely right for us.
It's really difficult OP but I once read someone on here say "is it better to have children and regret having them, or don't have them and regret it". There's no easy answer and what suits one person won't suit another.

CharlotteRumpling · 13/06/2023 09:05

I have many childfree friends. Some do regret it, and some don't. Depends on their circumstances.

I don't regret mine, but boy, would I have done some things differently if I had a do-over. I also think parents worry more than non-parents. The responsibility is crushing some days, and other days it's a lot of fun.

If only we could have our DC one week and get a break the next!

JorisBonson · 13/06/2023 09:07

Zero regrets. Never even a wobble.

Lissadell · 13/06/2023 09:07

Realistically, you’ll never know. I never wanted them at all, then I thought idly ‘Oh, might be interesting’, conceived immediately (to our utter shock), and had DS just before I turned 40. He’s wonderful, and I don’t regret it, but objectively I recognise I would almost certainly have had a differently good life for the past 11 years if I’d made a different decision. All my siblings and a couple of close friends are childfree and leading fulfilling, interesting lives.

And I had a child on a whim, out of curiosity. No burning need, no broodiness. I don’t for a moment think that makes me a worse parent.

YeahOkWhatever · 13/06/2023 09:07

It will absolutely and fundamentally change your life. The first 3 years are relentlessly exhausting. No one tells you the full truth about pregnancy and birth til it's too late (complications etc), and a new baby can be really overwhelming.

Kids can be fun, and I love them to the moon and back, but by God, they are hard work. So if you're ready for that and you'll be better placed than I was. The challenges just evolve as they grow...friends, school etc.

If I was child free I'd have a clean, well decorated house and probably a much better car with time to actually properly relax (I also work f/t). So if you value a nice environment/ life's /life of your own child free might be for you. It can also place great strain on your relationship. Sorry I've made it sound really grim, but I'm being truthful so you can make an informed decision.

RudsyFarmer · 13/06/2023 09:08

I think you can step back from TTC and just let nature dictate. I know it’s really hard when you’ve become focused on cycles and testing, but there’s some relief that comes with deleting apps and removing yourself from TTC groups. Yes you’re still going to be conscious of things like cervical mucus and cycles but it really does help to just throw your hands in the air and say ‘what will be will be’. Life immediately feels less stressful.

Whadda · 13/06/2023 09:09

No regrets here at all.

And as the years go on, I’m ever more confident in my choices. The world seems to be getting progressively worse.

KStockHERO · 13/06/2023 09:11

I'm late-30s and child-free by choice.

In the last few years I've found myself at the "right" age/stage for having children - DP and I have stable jobs that pay well; we've paid off our mortgage; we've built up a nice savings pot; we've renovated a house that would be perfect for a small family; we're rock solid in our relationship; I'm getting to the point where I want a change in life.

But the more I'm embedded in that "right" age/stage for children the more and more I'm absolutely resolute in my desire to not have them. I have a wonderful life, why would I throw a clusterfuck of chaos in the form of a child into the middle of that?!

No thank you.

So, I'm kind of as far away from regret as can be.

FuckStonewall · 13/06/2023 09:12

Never regretted it, and the older I get the more I feel I made the right choice by not having children.

Especially seeing many of my friends with their children. Several of whom wish they hadn't.

Lcb123 · 13/06/2023 09:17

I’m in similar boat to you. My expectations are that it will be hard although, if it does happen. I think some people think it’s all fun and games.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 13/06/2023 09:21

69 here, childfree and never regretted it for a minute. Children just weren't in my life plan, such as it was.

My feeling is that if you're at all undecided, don't.

CharlotteRumpling · 13/06/2023 09:24

Can you be a fun aunt instead?

I couldn't have because my only sibling lives in another country. My family is also small and scattered. That was one of the reasons I had DC, to give me connections of my own. A selfish reason maybe! But then parenting is mostly a selfish choice.

I will say that there is great satisfaction to be had as well, and a great richness they add. But you can get both those elsewhere too.

CharlotteRumpling · 13/06/2023 09:26

Btw I didn't have a burning desire to have DC. I was on the fence.

Hbh17 · 13/06/2023 09:29

I have zero regrets. In fact, now that I'm too old, it's a relief. I had my moments when I thought about it, but I knew they were just emotions/hormones and so definitely not a good basis for such a major life decision! If you are unsure, then surely the default position should be to not have them? Otherwise, life could be miserable for you and any child(ren). You can have a wonderful life childfree.

byvirtue · 13/06/2023 09:33

The trouble with having children is you can read all the information watch close family and friends with children but ultimately until you have one you cannot truly fathom what your life will be like until they are there. Every parent, child, family are different.

We weren’t sure about children, fertility problems run in my family so we expected not to have them. Was very surprised to get pregnant and honestly it’s been amazing. We counted our blessings with one and never felt the need to have anymore.

We are in a fortunate position in that we don’t have any money worries so our life is easy and I’m so glad we have got to experience having a child and being parents. Equally we would have been fine having no children but I know I would have felt that 5% pang of regret/what if feeling if we hadn’t had them but I think that’s natural for a lot of big life choices.

CharlotteRumpling · 13/06/2023 09:35

I do sometimes think MN is very all or nothing. Like "Once you have kids, you will never be able to travel again for the next 20 years". I have been able to travel. Not staying in five stars or taking first class, but I have been able to travel with both.

And now they are grown, DH and I go away on our own, or sometimes I do solo trips.

MapofVenice · 13/06/2023 09:36

Just for a balance - I’ve genuinely never felt as happy as having my child. It’s tiring, but absolutely no one can tell you the joy & love you will feel. (Not speaking for all parents, just my thoughts)

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