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Original poster

Am I making the right decision not having children?.

118 replies

whatsnewpussycat34 · 13/06/2023 08:43

I know this has been done to death but please can those who don't have children (by choice) tell me whether regretted it?

And also could those who were on the fence give they're experience after having children?

I've always been on the fence on being a mother, literally from one week to the next. We've been ttc for over a year with no luck and the whole process has given me anxiety about whether I would even want to be a mother now.

Don't get me wrong, if I had a child I believe I'd be a good mum and love and nurture him/her but I don't have this overwhelming desire to be a mum.

I think I love the idea of being a mum but something in my mind is telling me the reality is horrific 😂

My partner and I have loads of family support, good jobs, own home etc so the practical side of it is absolutely fine but I do worry about the impact on our lives and im already a massive worrier.

Basically im worried if I do and im worried if I don't 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

Bordey · 14/06/2023 17:36

YeahOkWhatever · 13/06/2023 09:07

It will absolutely and fundamentally change your life. The first 3 years are relentlessly exhausting. No one tells you the full truth about pregnancy and birth til it's too late (complications etc), and a new baby can be really overwhelming.

Kids can be fun, and I love them to the moon and back, but by God, they are hard work. So if you're ready for that and you'll be better placed than I was. The challenges just evolve as they grow...friends, school etc.

If I was child free I'd have a clean, well decorated house and probably a much better car with time to actually properly relax (I also work f/t). So if you value a nice environment/ life's /life of your own child free might be for you. It can also place great strain on your relationship. Sorry I've made it sound really grim, but I'm being truthful so you can make an informed decision.

Absolutely this. 100%.

ThisIsACoolUserName · 14/06/2023 17:38

"I also feel sad about that and can't imagine myself being older without my own family"

This bit is crucial @whatsnewpussycat34.

I can ONLY imagine myself being older without my own family, and have all sorts of plans which I'm looking forward to, which don't involve kids being on the scene.

hattie43 · 14/06/2023 17:45

Whadda · 13/06/2023 09:09

No regrets here at all.

And as the years go on, I’m ever more confident in my choices. The world seems to be getting progressively worse.

This .
With the state of society these days I'm really glad I didn't bring a child into this . Times are going to be really difficult going forward .

YeahOkWhatever · 14/06/2023 18:43

jellyminelli · 14/06/2023 09:59

"The first 3 years are relentlessly exhausting."

Nope. Not for me they weren't.

"Kids can be fun, and I love them to the moon and back, but by God, they are hard work."

I don't recognise this at all.

"If I was child free I'd have a clean, well decorated house"

I do. And I have children.

"Sorry I've made it sound really grim, but I'm being truthful so you can make an informed decision."

Nope. You're thinking because you've got a kid you can speak for all parents. You can't, you sound like a disorganised stress head to me 😂. My life is nothing like yours.

Op, nobody can tell you what your experience will be. As @YeahOkWhatever stressy post proves, we're all different.

You're part of the problem.

YeahOkWhatever · 14/06/2023 18:44

hattie43 · 14/06/2023 17:45

This .
With the state of society these days I'm really glad I didn't bring a child into this . Times are going to be really difficult going forward .

Show quote history

Absolutely! I fear what I'm leaving them in sometimes.

YeahOkWhatever · 14/06/2023 18:51

jellyminelli · 14/06/2023 12:29

"Did you mean to be so bloody rude and superior?"

I meant exactly what I said. If it upsets you because you want to keep up the narrative that all mothers are just so exhausted allllll of the time (never get a shower/sleepless nights/mental load/can never enjoy a holiday again) then so be it.

Who said I didn't shower? My children also sleep 10- 12 hours a night but it's still tiring. You really are a bit of work. How about not every one has the "perfect" experience that you have? I shared my experience which is often the experience other parents I speak with share too. Think you'll see more agree with me than you on this thread too. Away back to Insta #makingmemories #perfectfamily #pissoff

Whadda · 14/06/2023 19:00

I don’t judge people who have children, but I do wonder if they think long-term and not just to the baby and childhood phases.

heathspeedwell · 14/06/2023 19:02

I don't often say this because it sounds like showing off, but we didn't have children and I can honestly say that none of our friends who had kids are as happy as we are.

Piscesmumma1978 · 14/06/2023 19:05

Yes. Enjoy your life.

wheresmymojo · 14/06/2023 19:09

I'm 40, nearly 41.

I was always very on the fence...I even went through periods of actively TTC but in the end I couldn't get off the fence about it until we really had to make a call this year that it's 'now or never'.

I decided I don't want a child enough to balance out all the tedious drudgery of it all.

I like quiet time and sleep. I already have mental health issues and just don't know that I'll be able to stay stable. I can't imagine spending my weekend ferrying a child around and being happy with that.

I know I'm not the kind of person that would manage well if I had a child with additional needs. There's a chance I would be quite resentful (of the circumstances, not the child).

All of these things made me feel that while I can understand how lovely the good moments must be, and while I think I'd be an awesome mum once they were less dependent....that isn't enough to tip the balance to it being a good idea.

WonderDays · 14/06/2023 19:12

I don’t judge people who have children, but I do wonder if they think long-term and not just to the baby and childhood phases

I actually think the opposite is true, I certainly looked as my life as a whole and thought to myself how can I get the most out of it?
For me raising a family, watch them turn into lovely young adults and fly the nest as knowing I’ve done a good as job as I can and then enjoying my 50’s and beyond doing exactly what I wanted would work for me.
I have no idea if this is the best way as I don’t know any different.

QueSyrahSyrah · 14/06/2023 19:21

@wheresmymojo You've articulated exactly how I feel a lot of the time.

While I have flashes of 'oh DH would make an amazing Dad' and moments when I think it would lovely to be 3 instead of 2, overall I'm becoming more and more aware of the relentless sacrifice of children and honestly struggling to imagine myself doing it (I know DH would take to it like a duck to water though).

All that said, I don't know if I'm quite ready to say a 100% NO and revert to contraception either. I think I'm more at peace with it just never happening for us than I am with deliberately preventing it. It feels like less of a risk of future regrets.

QueSyrahSyrah · 14/06/2023 19:25

Whadda · 14/06/2023 19:00

I don’t judge people who have children, but I do wonder if they think long-term and not just to the baby and childhood phases.

I definitely have some friends who never thought beyond 'baby'. One of them has two DC each with varying medical issues that have presented themselves later in childhood and spends much of her life stressed & exhausted to the point of collapse (despite loving them with her whole heart and soul).

I don't for a second think this is what she even ever considered she might be signing up for when she had her first at a reasonably (for our peer group) young age.

mydogisthebest · 14/06/2023 20:27

LuckyPeonies · 14/06/2023 16:52

I believe it is better to regret being child free (and, based on the people I know, that is usually only the case for those who desperately wanted to be parents, but were unable to conceive, and did not want to adopt) than to regret having had kids. And to only have kids if you really, really want to be a parent.

Because being a parent is a life sentence. For better or for worse, no matter how they turn out personality- or health-wise, you are their parent. So much can go wrong, but you can’t undo being a parent once you have them, so you had better make sure it’s what you really want, regardless how they turn out.

I know quite a few people who struggle with disabled kids who will never live independently, struggle with very difficult kids with mental illness, addictions, unfortunate personalities, have been disappointed over and over again by adult ‘kids’ who basically ignore them unless they want something, are supporting and housing ‘kids’ in their 30’s and 40’s, raising grandchildren, financially supporting their adult kid’s families to the detriment of their own financial security, and on and on. When everything turns out great, it must be wonderful. But there is absolutely no guarantee that will happen.

I agree with your post.

As I said before, maybe I just have unlucky friends, but so many of them have grown up children and grandchildren and are still having to deal with problems such as debt, mental illness, drug taking, being arrested, even spending time in prison.

overthinkersanonnymus · 14/06/2023 21:13

QueSyrahSyrah · 14/06/2023 19:21

@wheresmymojo You've articulated exactly how I feel a lot of the time.

This is pretty much how I feel too. Kind of if it's meant for me it will be and if it's not, I'm ok with that

BunnyBettChetwynnd · 14/06/2023 22:15

My friends have always divided into two camps on this. When we came across a harassed parent with a screaming child in a cafe or shop the ones who went on to have children always said, 'Ahh, but it's different when it's yours'. The ones who are child free all said, 'Jeez, that looks a nightmare for that poor parent'.

QueSyrahSyrah · 14/06/2023 22:19

I think the subject would be easier for many of us if not having children were more widely accepted as a valid choice by society as a whole.

I was discussing with someone the other day, if I had £1 for every time as an adult woman I've been asked 'when are you having kids?' I'd be competing with Midas. I can count on one hand the times I've been asked 'do you want kids?'.

Funnily enough the latter question has usually come from older Women whose children are now adults. Those that have the full breadth of experience in child rearing (and know that the responsibility never diminishes).

Lottapianos · 14/06/2023 22:23

'I think the subject would be easier for many of us if not having children were more widely accepted as a valid choice by society as a whole.'

Couldn't agree more. There's a lot of lip service about how totally fine it is to not have kids, but it doesn't often feel that way in practice. That said, I know many people couldn't give a fig whether others have kids or not!

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