Childless to Childfree

[Jeezuswept]

Long story short (shortish), I wasn't sure if I wanted children. I've never been broody or felt anything was missing, but I hit 35 and DH & I decided to try and see, and let nature decide.

After tests and surgeries, we were offered IVF. I surprised myself by thinking 'hell, no'. I am not willing/able to go through that. It was a relief to let the whole TTC go.

I considered myself childless at that point of the failed cycles and tests etc, I definitely got caught up in it all, but years later I'm so hugely relieved to not be a parent (I am not cut out for it) and I feel very lucky to be childfree.

Sometimes not being a parent isn't a black and white choice, there's so much grey area, and I'm glad to be able to post here and wonder if anyone understands!

i count myself as both childless, childfree and a mum, which is a bit of a mess!

I had a stillbirth so technically and deep in my heart I'm a mum although I would never call myself that in reality life

I'm childless due to infertility not working

I'm childfree by choice because I (we) chose when to stop fertility treatment and technically there were further options we could have explored but we had reached our limited emotionally, financially and mentally so we chose to swap.

I wouldn't say I'm relieved not to be a parent, I would have been very happy to be one. But our lives have changed quite a bit since coming to terms with it and if a miracle baby did happen (which is impossible) honestly I would be thrown into a high panic and actually be kind of sad in some ways because I've got myself to a happy place with my life.

I always thought children would be a thing to think about in the future... I'm now 33, in a good stable long term relationship and at times do get a pang of wanting to have a child with my partner. However, I've never had a great longing like other women to be a mother so all in all I'm still fairly on the fence and the thought of time ticking away doesn't really bother me apart from the odd occasion.
My partner has two children from a previous relationship, so if we did try for one ourselves we would need a bigger house, car etc, so maybe that has also changed my mindset over having my own. Also the financial implications of could we afford one and how would that impact the existing children and what we are able to do with them currently which may change.
I know this is different from the op, sorry if ive mossed the po8nt or rone of the post but it's another example of ending up with no children if that makes sense.
I'm glad that we have this new board though so cross sections are able to converse and if needed support each other.

Missed the point or tone*
Blimey

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

It's hard when the lines are blurred and not straight forward. I think it can be very liberating though to embrace childfree vs childless, it was an easy gear shift for me that made a positive difference in my outlook.

I find it difficult to answer when people ask why I don't have children though. And boy do they ask!

I’m another who has gone from childless to childfree. IVF didn’t work, we opted not to pursue donor gametes or adoption. I am now 62 and at this point am happy we don’t have children. We - DH and I - have built a good life together. And I agree that it is very liberating to realise not having children when you wanted them doesn’t mean you can’t be happy.

💐for catchasingmewithspiders.

I've kind of gone the opposite way!

I was happily Childfree for years, DH and I discussed not wanting children when we met.

Then suddenly I was broody. It hit me like a bus all of a sudden in my late 30s.

I sometimes feel sad about what I have missed/will miss out on but on reflection I think the broodiness was probably a mixture of hormones and second guessing what is a huge and very final decision rather than something that was right for us.

💐 to @Catchasingmewithspiders .

I am another with a foot in both camps.

I never felt maternal or an urge to have kids. I don’t hate them - I worked with them for a while - but I felt like I’d be a pretty terrible mum. I have little patience, I hate noise and stickiness, I’m squeamish, I like my sleep etc. I also have disabilities and mental health issues that mean I have to be very careful about how much of me I give to things. I had abusive parents so my model for parenting is also pretty screwed up. Obviously you can overcome a bad childhood and some people are actually the best parents because they know what not to do, but you have to be so committed to it and I just never felt it was worth it to have kids.

I then suffered a medical emergency in my early 30s and lost my uterus and ovaries, so I’m officially incapable of having bio kids. And honestly, I’m ok with it. It’s different having no choice to having made the choice for myself, but I know hand on heart that I didn’t want them anyway. And getting to live was a fair price to pay for losing my fertility.

So yeah, a mixture of both I guess!

I was the same as you @Jeezuswept . We tried for a while. Had tests, but I just couldn't take the step into IVF and that was the realisation that I had to be cool with it. It's still strange sometimes.
Most of my friends are still in the under 5s stage, and I sometimes feel quite left out.. but then I have to remind myself that I made the choice (somewhat) so need to crack on.
I'm mostly happy that I didn't go through the heartbreak that some do, but also looking forward to the day when my very good friends can leave the children at home alone so I don't have to factor in child friendly places when we meet up!!

I was desperate for a child, DH less so. We ended up having IVF after a number of years trying. We decided that we had to stop at 3 rounds, which was our NHS allowance. The third one worked but I lost at 14 weeks.
After that we came to terms with being childless and are now happy enjoying being childfree. It helps that our closest friends are a couple who are childfree by choice.

MY PEOPLE!! Sorry, bit giddy that we have board! Ten years all in TTC. Drew a conscious line and stopped TTC at 40 so accepted that we are now childfree. That was almost 5 years ago, and you know what, after a decade of heartbreak, life is good! There is life on the other side x

Helped by the fact that I'm currently sat in the sunshine in Spain on my third glass of cava! 😁

What an interesting thread. I've enjoyed reading everyone's posts and the different perspectives.

And I understand the giddiness - I'm experiencing it myself. Yesterday I had a terrible migraine (feeling much better today) and I was so busy feeling rotten I didn't have the energy for anything else.

'Sometimes not being a parent isn't a black and white choice, there's so much grey area, and I'm glad to be able to post here and wonder if anyone understands!'

This is so very true. I always knew deep down that children were not for me, but went through periods of intense longing for a baby. It was definitely a loss that took a lot of grieving. I'm 43 now, and more grateful and relieved than ever that we don't have kids, although there will always be a part of me that is wistful about what could have been. I'm just glad that the pragmatic, realistic side of me put her foot down!

There absolutely is.

Another one who has made the same transition. I never wanted to have children, but when I met DH, we both wanted a child that was part of both of us. Nothing happened for two years, and then I was offered Clomid. I had several early miscarriages, and, being in the fertility pipeline, we were offered IVF. After a raft of tests, we were told that we could do it, but the risks to me would be elevated. DH looked at me and just said, no way. He wasn’t willing to risk losing me for the sake of a hypothetical child. So we left the assisted conception world and tried by ourselves for a couple more years, with three more miscarriages, until I was 40. We were happy to agree at that point that we were no longer trying, and go back to not having to think about it. The transition was really easy, to be honest, because we hadn’t had that burning desire, and so were absolutely fine with knowing it wasn’t going to happen. We’re very happy and to be honest, the world has changed so much that I am grateful not to have to be guiding children into it. We’ve been helped a lot by having parents who have never expressed any views on it, and never put any pressure on us. We have a great life and I think that, for us, it has been the better path.

thank you for making a space for the grey.

Always been unsure and assumed my views would solidify as I got older. They didn’t and it was beginning to torture me so we put some serious consideration to it around my 30th.

We stopped focussing on the “want” and switched to “how”. We quickly realised my health conditions would not allow me to balance parenting and work so I’d probably have to give up my career and my DH would have to always be prepared to support me during flares, putting a lot of pressure on him. It seems too much sacrifice and pressure on our relationship for something we don’t desperately want.

turned the question from “do I want” to “should I?” really clarified the No and has allowed us to move on and make plans not based on something we might want in future.

It was quite hard to accept that my condition drove some of this but actually as time has gone on, I’m much more comfortable with the choicex

<sticks hand up> me too! I've never been desperately maternal or broody, possibly because as the eldest of a large brood I saw up close the reality of child raising when younger. DH wanted children and I was ok with that.....and then we found he was completely infertile, so that was that. I think that one thing that fertility problems highlight is how much you want to be a parent, and how far you're prepared to go to achieve that. Neither of us wanted to go down the donor route and we didn't want to look at adoption or fostering either. I take my hat off to those who do, but it wasn't for us. In a way it was a relief that things were so black and white for us, because it made it a much easier decision to step off the medical pathway and get on with living life, if that makes sense. And we certainly wouldn't have the life we have now if we'd had children.

Occasionally I wonder what life would have been like with children, but not in a regretful way, just slightly curious, if that makes sense. I haven't missed not having them at all, and nor has DH, so for us it probably worked out for the best that we didn't! As others have said, it was a fairly swift 'coming to terms' with it for us.

Delighted to have this board btw. Under a previous username I did post a couple of 'it'll be ok you know' type messages for those thinking about stopping TTC but I think having a specific area where people can see that there are more of us than you might think will be helpful for anyone pondering it.

Been sent this thread after starting my own
www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters/4836281-how-did-you-choose-to-be-childfree-initially-not-by-choice

So good to read these perspectives but I'm sorry for the losses experienced.

My last embryo transfer only failed four days ago but I'm giving next steps some hard thought!

I can imagine a great childfree life and often am scared of one WITH children but terrified I'll regret not having them or trying to a bit more. But also know whatever I do, I'll regret the choice at some point... Tough

The thing about regrets is they are often based on assumptions.

My mother massively regrets so many things in her life, even stupid little decisions

But the issue is her regrets are based on an incredibly rosy alternative senario

So she will make a decision, decide shes not 100% happy with the outcome and be convinced that if she made the opposite choice it would have been life changingly amazing.

The reality is that you dont actually know unless you make the other choice. So be careful in your regrets (and I say this as someone who having wanted children has totally done this) that if you dont have children you dont end up regretting a perfect made for TV family life that never would have existed anyway

I have shared this many times on here. I think part of the issue is that society relentlessly tells us we will not regret having children and that we will regret not having them, neither of which is true.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-fear-theyll-regret-not-having-kids%3famp

Brilliant article @KimberleyClark

There's an interesting article by a writer who underwent IVF, only afterwards did she realise that becoming pregnant had become a 'goal' to achieve and had just got caught up in TTC.

She realised she was actually very happy being childfree, I'll try and find it.

@Mydogisamazing I'm really sorry that your transfer wasn't successful, I hope you're being kind to yourself.

I understand your dilemma and there's no easy answer. I can only speak for myself, and deciding to end the TTC 'journey' (yuck, that expression!) was a relief and very liberating.

I worried very much about 'regretting it' but I haven't for a second felt that way, only relief. I put a lot into my life - lots of hobbies, friends, activities, and I know I would feel resentful at losing part of myself into motherhood and I don't think I'm cut out mentally for that sacrifice.

The biggest factor for me was thinking about additional needs too, as I would have been an older mum, DH an older dad, and there's autism on both sides of the family.

I'm amazed at the mothers who parent ND kids, with friends I can see just how much sacrifice they make. Another friend of mine has one teenager with an eating disorder and other with depression, and she's a great mum and the kids have been very loved so it's heartbreaking to see how mental illness is so common in the younger generations. Another friend has had to file multiple complaints at her daughter's primary school because a slightly boy is persistently picking on her, inappropriately (trying to pull her underwear etc) so there's a host of safeguarding issues that have arisen - absolutely horrible to deal with.

Without exception, my friends worry about their kids and their futures. I'd naively assumed that if your child has additional needs then it would be straight forward to access help and support but every parent seems to have to fight the system so bloody hard to get any.

I feel lucky that I don't have this crushing weight of stress. The reality of children is not the Waltons, its not Christmas adverts, and life can be unfair, cruel and hard going.

Of course it can be wonderful too, but the reality of the state of the NHS, cost of living, mental health, property prices - there just seems like so much to worry about enough for yourself, let alone having a family and thinking of their future.

Also, I very much like my sleep and being able to have spontaneous trips! But mostly, I enjoy not having that permanent, heavy weight of stress/worry that my parent-friends have. I know they'd say it's worth it, and they do have wonderful times, but from the outside, it's hard to see what they're going through.

Thank you for this reply. Would love to read that article if you can find it. I have had the thought about IVF being a goal or 'project' actually...

And yes to all of the concerns about being an older parent and potential issues with a child. I just don't know if I'm cut out for it. Maybe if I was rich and wouldn't have to go back to work, but I absolutely would.

I read so often on MN about people getting pregnant naturally after IVF, but I'm now glad that did not happen for us as my husband is 11 years older than me and I'm the daughter of an older father - 49 when I was born. Both of these are risk factors for autism and I'm not sure I could have coped with a severely affected child.

Found it!

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/nov/16/30000-ivf-for-baby-didnt-want

Interesting read, thank you