Am I making the right decision not having children?.

[whatsnewpussycat34]

I know this has been done to death but please can those who don't have children (by choice) tell me whether regretted it?

And also could those who were on the fence give they're experience after having children?

I've always been on the fence on being a mother, literally from one week to the next. We've been ttc for over a year with no luck and the whole process has given me anxiety about whether I would even want to be a mother now.

Don't get me wrong, if I had a child I believe I'd be a good mum and love and nurture him/her but I don't have this overwhelming desire to be a mum.

I think I love the idea of being a mum but something in my mind is telling me the reality is horrific 😂

My partner and I have loads of family support, good jobs, own home etc so the practical side of it is absolutely fine but I do worry about the impact on our lives and im already a massive worrier.

Basically im worried if I do and im worried if I don't 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do think it's a love like I have never known but I also sometimes think that intense love is a trap! Maybe better not to have that love and just have relationships that you can leave!

'm childfree and often see people describe the intense love as a positive and I also thought it sounded like a trap, so it's interesting to read that from a parent. It can already be scary loving the people I do, the last thing I want is even more to potentially lose and worry about.

I had 4 children in 7 years because - my God - I love being a mother.

I would never judge anyone for not having children. Having my kids was the most selfish thing I have ever done. I refuse to justify it and cannot explain it because ecologically, financially and health-wise it isn't justifiable. The cost-benefit analysis is flawed. It will never "make sense" on paper.

Parenting is hard but it is also amazing. Based on my experience, having one child can be done with manageable disruption to most couples' lifestyle. Going out isn't as easy, obviously, but sitters can be found and reciprocal playdates can mean the odd Saturday morning free. Work still pays because the cost of wraparound childcare doesn't wipe out a salary. Once you have 2+ kids, everything becomes extremely child-centric for a time, and you lose years of your life ferrying to parties and watching C Beebies.

I had to think about how I saw my life and what I would like to be doing for the next x years.

While you would always be a parent, realistically you are only really actively consumed by it for about 18 years until they go off and start their own lives/have no interest in going on holidays with you etc.

I figured in my entire life, 18 years would go past pretty quickly and I had already extensively travelled, was at the top of my career, had my forever house and dogs etc before children so I felt comfortable with doing something "different" and raising children, for all the new experiences and love etc that would bring.

if my life had been different and I hadn't managed to build my career/house/travel etc first then I may have been more reluctant.

had to think about how I saw my life and what I would like to be doing for the next x years

that’s exactly how I think of life too. For me it seems a fuller life to have a raising a family phase.

@mydogisthebest So people without children only have a black and white life?
God no, that's not what I said at all. That's how I view myself. Looking back now my children are adults my life has been enriched so much. If I had not had them I would be unaware and therefore not mind.

I have 3 and I’m a major worrier.
having children makes you worry each and everyday. Are they going to survive, will they be happy, am I a good mum, what happens if I get ill.
don’t get me wrong I absolutely adore my children and they’ve given me endless happy memories over the years, but in all honesty I think my soul would be much more peaceful if I’ve never embarked on motherhood.
I would only have to worry about myself, I could travel, I could eat out every day if wanted to.
I don’t regret it but thinking logically it was probably not the best decision I’ve ever made.
this is just my opinion and it doesn’t mean you’ll feel the same or anyone else for that Matter.

Sarahtm35

Do you think you’d be worrying about something else if you hadn’t had DC?

I also agree that phrase a child deserves to be longed for is very powerful and in my opinion, apt.

I believe it is better to regret being child free (and, based on the people I know, that is usually only the case for those who desperately wanted to be parents, but were unable to conceive, and did not want to adopt) than to regret having had kids. And to only have kids if you really, really want to be a parent.

Because being a parent is a life sentence. For better or for worse, no matter how they turn out personality- or health-wise, you are their parent. So much can go wrong, but you can’t undo being a parent once you have them, so you had better make sure it’s what you really want, regardless how they turn out.

I know quite a few people who struggle with disabled kids who will never live independently, struggle with very difficult kids with mental illness, addictions, unfortunate personalities, have been disappointed over and over again by adult ‘kids’ who basically ignore them unless they want something, are supporting and housing ‘kids’ in their 30’s and 40’s, raising grandchildren, financially supporting their adult kid’s families to the detriment of their own financial security, and on and on. When everything turns out great, it must be wonderful. But there is absolutely no guarantee that will happen.

It's tough isn't it, because you have no idea until you're there. I have one child who I adore but if I could go back in time there's no way I'd have had him. Motherhood isn't for me but I thought it might be at the time. It completely takes over your life in ways you don't expect.

Someone upthread somewhere said that you don't feel absolutely sure about becoming a parent, then don't do it. And I really wish someone had given me that advice!

I'm late 50s and childfree. Never wanted children, never had a twinge.

When I was younger I wondered if I'd live to regret it. I've passed most of the milestones now that might have made me wonder if I'd made the right choice....death of parents, illness in the family, giving up work, menopause...and in truth I've only become more and more certain I made the right choice.

I love the freedom and choices I've had through my life and still have now. I can see how happy having children has made my friends, but I also have lots of friends who are perfectly happy childfree. It's not about whether you have children or not but how you deal with the outcome.

Chris Packham was asked why he didn't have children and replied, 'Because I didn't need to'. That's how I felt and how I still feel.

I'm child free by choice and it's the best decision I ever made. I literally feel like I dodged a bullet. Most of my friends have secretly admitted that given their time again they might not have had children and all of them said unless you are completely sure, don't have them.

@BunnyBettChetwynnd sorry if I am being nosy- you need not answer unless you want to- but do you have good friends, family, a chatty partner or a really fulfilling career?

The childfree friends I have who regret it don't have the above and are now feeling a bit lost, since friends and family have drifted away or they have lost their ambition. The ones who have at least one of the above don't regret it. This is only my personal experience. Not intended to be a dig at anyone and probably doesn't apply to everybody.

I agree with those who say if you’re not sure then don’t. To “ do it properly” is a lifetime change and commitment. It doesn’t stop when they turn 18, mine are in their 30’s and 40’s and I’m still a mother first and foremost!
2 of mine have children by choice and one is and always has been adamant he doesn’t want any.

I was adamant I didn’t want any, then I met DH later in life and when I turned 40 I suddenly couldn’t think about anything else. j wasn’t conventionally broody as such but every day I thought about whether I was doing the right thing. But I thought it all sounded like hell on earth.
In the end I decided to go for it and luckily had DD at 41 with no issues. I have absolutely loved it. I also spent quite a lot of time in the first weeks after her birth in tears because I nearly didn’t have her (batshit I know).

I had never even held a baby or changed a nappy before DD but I found it very intuitive and I ended up being an extended BF, reusable nappy, co-sleeping attachment parent which no-one could’ve predicted!

I still have no maternal feelings towards other people’s babies though. I just like mine.

Your biological clock sounds like it has gone off subtly like mine did @whatsnewpussycat34 although I didn’t recognise it as that.

It depends, OP. Without knowing a thing about you, I'd say TTC for a whole year is an indication you'll probably be someone who ends up with kids. And then you'll love them and get on with raising them.

I'm 39, have been with my lovely DH for 18 years, and our default setting has always been that we don't want kids enough to go for it. We dont like the look of most aspects and required compromises of the parenting lifestyle, and simply love adult life.

Over the course of the last decade there have been the odd very rare blip, where for about 2 hours every 18 months we think it could be nice to have just 1 child. We then very quickly consider the logistics involved for us personally:

• I have a good career which involves working a random hybrid pattern, with no 2 weeks the same, in an office an hour away. On office days I leave the house at 7.50am (having first walked the dog) and get home at 6.40pm.
• DH is also in a line of work where no 2 weeks are the same, travels lots and can stay away for a week at a time.
• We live somewhere very beautiful (in a national park), but with no family nearby to support us. And our folks are now in their 70s and experiencing health problems anyway.
• How the ever living fuck would we manage school drop offs, pick ups and all of those inset days, holidays and sickness? I know, "you make it work", but we don't want to. I've seen dozens of friends and family members have kids. "Making it work" tends to end up as the woman's job!
• One of our core principles for life has always been to keep our outgoings as low as possible. I'd feel physically sick and very depressed to spend upwards of £1,000 a month (WAY more than our mortgage) on childcare.

So we always come back to 'we love life as we are'. And I've not had one of those blips for several years now.

I love a peaceful, unencumbered life, free from complicated logistics, enjoying time with DH and spent in the beautiful outdoors where we live.

But like I say, if you've TTC for a whole year, it's highly likely you'll end up with kids in the end, and that's absolutely fine.

Did you mean to say 'those people'? Are you sure this is how you want to come across? People without children are people too and since you have chosen to reproduce, you can only offer your perspective. You have not lived your life as a childfree person, and can only offer the perspective of someone who has reproduced AND is happy to have done so. You are by no means in the majority here.

'Chris Packham was asked why he didn't have children and replied, 'Because I didn't need to'.'

Did he mean that he didn't need to because he had a long term partner who already had a daughter? The relationship broke up years ago but he and his step daughter Megan are very much in each others lives, which is so lovely

'and our default setting has always been that we don't want kids enough to go for it'

Hard relate to this. I honestly don't think the sacrifices would have been worth it for me. I'll never know either way! I have to say I'm increasingly glad I didn't take the risk though

@CharlotteRumpling You're not being nosy at all and I'm happy to answer. I'm very lucky in that I do have a few good, close friends and a great partner. My extended family mostly live abroad. I had a satisfying career which I gave up when I'd had enough of it and when all ambition in that direction faded. now I've retrained and do part time self employed work which I love.

I can see how not having those things might make a childfree person feel alone or a bit lost, but also having children doesn't stop those feelings if your children are not close or close by.

There's no real answer to the OP's question is there? We're all different and deal with the choices we make differently.

@Lottapianos I took Chris Packham to mean that he didn't have children because he didn't feel the need to because he wasn't compelled to do so by a natural urge, but you might be quite right. He and his step daughter do have the most amazing relationship which clearly has been one of the joys of his life.

I would freeze your eggs just in case.

I can see how not having those things might make a childfree person feel alone or a bit lost, but also having children doesn't stop those feelings if your children are not close or close by.

You are absolutely right there. I think I was very influenced by how close I am to my mum ( and dad when he was alive). They were both pretty great parents; my mum more or less never stops talking about how glad she has been to have had children. I had a pretty nice childhood.

But things have changed since then, and my DC have had it harder in some ways than I did ( for which I feel guilty). Didn't foresee a pandemic, a war, a recession....

Age 25 I never wanted children for a number of reasons mainly I had a terrible relationship with my own mother, I was scared to do that to a child, having grown up in poverty I was finally able to have some luxuries after working hard, I was happy to become a crazy old cat lady.

Age 28 I did a complete 180 and was consumed by wanting a baby, I then had 4 in 6 years, they changed my life, gave me a life really. We still travel, I changed careers, they gave DH and I a big crazy family. I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s a very personal thing though isn’t it?

@CharlotteRumpling I don't think you should in any way feel guilty for the state of the world in which your children live. It's always been the same.

My grandma found out she was pregnant with my father on the day the second world war started. He had a wonderful life despite all the ups and downs of the era.

Childfree by choice.

Early 50s now and I can say I have never wanted them and now can't as I actively chose to be sterilised a few years ago.

I never look at people I know with children and wish I had their life just as I suspect they don't at mine.