Am I making the right decision not having children?.

[whatsnewpussycat34]

I know this has been done to death but please can those who don't have children (by choice) tell me whether regretted it?

And also could those who were on the fence give they're experience after having children?

I've always been on the fence on being a mother, literally from one week to the next. We've been ttc for over a year with no luck and the whole process has given me anxiety about whether I would even want to be a mother now.

Don't get me wrong, if I had a child I believe I'd be a good mum and love and nurture him/her but I don't have this overwhelming desire to be a mum.

I think I love the idea of being a mum but something in my mind is telling me the reality is horrific 😂

My partner and I have loads of family support, good jobs, own home etc so the practical side of it is absolutely fine but I do worry about the impact on our lives and im already a massive worrier.

Basically im worried if I do and im worried if I don't 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree with @RudsyFarmer , take the pressure of yourself. Don’t actively try, just enjoy life. If it happens, that’s good, and if it doesn’t, that also good.

I have one friend childfree by choice all the others never found the right man or had fertility issues so not a choice and their reactions were very different in how they reacted to their underlying sadness. She probably has the best life of anyone I know that’s a woman. She is in a happy long term relationship and has never regretted that decision.

"The first 3 years are relentlessly exhausting."

Nope. Not for me they weren't.

"Kids can be fun, and I love them to the moon and back, but by God, they are hard work."

I don't recognise this at all.

"If I was child free I'd have a clean, well decorated house"

I do. And I have children.

"Sorry I've made it sound really grim, but I'm being truthful so you can make an informed decision."

Nope. You're thinking because you've got a kid you can speak for all parents. You can't, you sound like a disorganised stress head to me 😂. My life is nothing like yours.

Op, nobody can tell you what your experience will be. As @YeahOkWhatever stressy post proves, we're all different.

Nope. You're thinking because you've got a kid you can speak for all parents. You can't, you sound like a disorganised stress head to me 😂. My life is nothing like yours

Did you mean to be so bloody rude and superior?

”The first 3 years are relentlessly exhausting!”

Just the first three?? 😂

Mine are 9 and 6 and I’m still waiting for calmness to descend…. 😂

If you are worried about missing out or possible future regret if you don’t probably best if you don’t. Regret about not having children is really something that’s drummed into us, but it’s not what it’s cracked up to be

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-fear-theyll-regret-not-having-kids#:~:text=7.-,To%20fear%20future%20regret%20about%20not%20having%20children%20is%20to,by%20the%20choice%20to%20parent.

"Did you mean to be so bloody rude and superior?"

I meant exactly what I said. If it upsets you because you want to keep up the narrative that all mothers are just so exhausted allllll of the time (never get a shower/sleepless nights/mental load/can never enjoy a holiday again) then so be it.

I was on the fence (more not wanting than wanting) but it happened.

I love them so much and very glad they’re here but I’d also have been happy and fulfilled without them.

I was on the fence until we started ttc. One negative test and I was so disappointed and clear it’s what I wanted. Do you feel that way? Early years are hard but also really fun, and like you I couldn’t imagine being older without a family. Also, and this is really personal, but I was a bit over just working and partying. I guess I felt a bit unfulfilled and ready for a change. Again, this isn’t the case for everyone but I feel more whole with children, more complete. But equally I have friends who adore being childfree and make the most of it.

I am currently five months pregnant. I never felt any overwhelming urge to become pregnant, but I envisaged my future with at least one child, including an adult child.

We TTC across 2021-23 with frequent gaps where it didn't feel like good timing (other health issues, new jobs, having fun and expensive plans that pregnancy would spoil!).

I want to be a parent of a 4+ yo a LOT more than a 0-3yo, I just know that I have to do the other bit first, and that's OK. I think I am going in in a strong position, because honestly, in my experience the people who struggle are those who have fluffy, unrealistic impressions of motherhood. I have robust expectations of the amount of care needed, and the impact on me personally. Plus significant experience in managing my wellbeing through similar challenges, and an indifference to my career (not the same as an indifference to making money!).

I don't know if any of this is useful for you OP, but I recommend thinking about:

• what you want your overall life to look like
• what you feel about different stages of parenting
• what you value about the rest of your life - career, relationships etc
• your general ability to adapt and cope

This 😄

I wasn't on the fence, I 100% didn't want them at all. Until I was 40 and suddenly I sort of did. But it wasn't the overwhelming desire for kids that some people have. We just decided it would be nice and we would try for 6 months and see what happened, if I wasn't pregnant by then we would forget it and carry on as we were. We now have 2 and I love them to bits and I wouldn't be without them for the world. However, if I hadn't have fallen pregnant and we had remained childfree or lives would have carried on perfectly happily as they were before.
Having kids is hard and amazing in equal measure. I have days when I just want to shut myself in a soundproof box for 5 minutes peace and days when I don't want them to go to bed because I've had so much fun with them that day.
It does effect your life of course it does. We still go out just us but it's not as spontaneous as before because obviously childcare needs to be planned. Our holidays are now in places we would avoid like the plague pre kids. And I'm really regretting the cream sofa we bought a few years ago.

Those people will not be able to answer the question

And also could those who were on the fence give they're experience after having children?

I was totally uninterested in children, never a maternal twinge. Made a decision on the basis of fear of regret.
Had DC1 at 38 and DC2 at 40 and this has proved to be the single best decision I ever made. I look back and shudder at the thought that I could so easily have made the decision not to have children and my life would have been in black and white instead of colour. I would never have believed anyone who told me this because I had zero interest in children, or babies.

Also you are not on the fence if you have been ttc for a year.

Those people will not be able to answer the question

That's a very arrogant assumption and insultingly dismissive. There's at least one thread there on how and why people came to the decision not to have children.

And 'those people'?

I was absolutely 100% sure I was not going to be a mother by the age of 10. I've never wavered or wobbled or wondered "what if".

I don't regret it now in my 50s, I and i don't expect to ever regret it, but you never know. However, that regret would be based on not having a "useful someone" around to help me in my dotage. Totally selfish and even had I had kids, not guaranteed.

I enjoy my nieces and nephews and my friends kids, but I have never felt any longing to have one of my own.

A child should be longed for. They deserve to be longed for.

'That's a very arrogant assumption and insultingly dismissive.'

Well said. For some people who don't have children, it was a straightforward decision. For others it was a long process of soul searching, and those experiences and reassurances may well be very useful to someone who is struggling with the decision themselves

'A child should be longed for. They deserve to be longed for'

I really like this comment. There is an enormous level of risk in feeling very ambivalent about children but deciding to go for it, almost on a whim. Clearly it works out for some people but absolutely not for everyone

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain sorry I think you misunderstood what I said.
The childless or childfree will not be able to answer the question "And also could those who were on the fence give they're experience after having children?"
Obviously they can answer about deciding against....

I have 3 friends who don’t have children ponder this with me (I have 2.5 yo and pregnant with DC2) and I ALWAYS say it’s such a HUGE life change you need to be both feet in to do this. Anyone on the fence is not committed to being a parent and will find it a struggle to sacrifice as much as is needed from parenthood. I would only advise people who are sure they want children to have children

Just a slightly different take on this. I also have been TTC for a long time, no success. I found myself getting used to things as they are and I wondered if the lack of an overwhelming desire might just be your brain's way of protecting yourself from the disappointment if it never happens? I was always adamant i wanted to be a mum some day (from a very young age) and as time has gone on, I've got set in my ways of not having a child and started to question if it is a good idea....

Whatever you decide, I do wish you all the very best and don't be swayed by/try to ignore all the targeted ads/ noise on social media etc. Craft your life in the best way that works for you with what you have.

So people without children only have a black and white life? That is as patronising as the comment that you don't know what real love is until you have a child.

No one else can give you advice about this. If you want to have kids, you'll know it at some point. If you don't ever want to, that's fine and don't let any one tell you otherwise.

*Me and DH are in our 60's and have never regretted our decision not to have children. We are even more sure now that we made the right choice.

So many of our friends have said if they could go back in time they would not have children. They all have grown up children and most have grandchildren or even great grandchildren. They say their children and grandchildren are still causing worry and grief*

I haven’t found this to be the case so far, I am 54 with three grown up DC and they only bring me joy. It’s a lovely feeling having so much time to travel and do fun things with my DH and also to enjoy family time with our DC.

if you truly don’t want to change your life don’t have kids- however money and family support can limit the damning impact kids have on your life on a practical level.

Thank you everyone for your comments.

I think as women we are conditioned in to the whole "get married, buy a house, have a family" scenario but also have a full time job, don't change your body and don't moan about anything ever again.

I'm glad I got so many different experiences from you all and it's given me a lot to think about.

I love the quote of a child deserves to be longed for. 15 days of the month I do long for them, the other 15 I like my sleep too much 😂

I do have friends with children that are happy but probably more that are not. Quite a few blame the breakdown of their marriage/relationship on having children.

Maybe our friends are unlucky but so many have children and grandchildren that seem to have never ending problems