Am I making the right decision not having children?.

[whatsnewpussycat34]

I know this has been done to death but please can those who don't have children (by choice) tell me whether regretted it?

And also could those who were on the fence give they're experience after having children?

I've always been on the fence on being a mother, literally from one week to the next. We've been ttc for over a year with no luck and the whole process has given me anxiety about whether I would even want to be a mother now.

Don't get me wrong, if I had a child I believe I'd be a good mum and love and nurture him/her but I don't have this overwhelming desire to be a mum.

I think I love the idea of being a mum but something in my mind is telling me the reality is horrific 😂

My partner and I have loads of family support, good jobs, own home etc so the practical side of it is absolutely fine but I do worry about the impact on our lives and im already a massive worrier.

Basically im worried if I do and im worried if I don't 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's a very personal choice and I think it's different if you don't want them compared to if your having challenges TTC. I think if your unsure then some part of you probably does want one, all the people I know that are child free are 100% sure that they want to be child free. The ones that are child free(not by choice) but TTC have found other ways to enrich their lives, some went on to adopt.

Also, obviously people only bring their problems to the net. Like I am not going to post on MN " I went out for a drink with my 18 yr old and had such a fun time". Instead, I am only going to post if I have a problem with him.

Just like people only post on MN if they have a problem with their DH's. They are not going to post " had the best sex last night". That would sound smug. That doesn't mean all marriages are bad.

I never planned for babies, I wasn’t totally against it but me and partner like travel and socialising till early hours etc but got caught out while on the pill and decided to go ahead with it.
Baby was the right decision for me, he’s been a blessing (I know it’s soo cliche but he is) but it is HARD WORK! You have to be ready to give into asking and accepting of help and be 100% secure in your partner because I think if he wasn’t such a good dad I’d of ended up in a mental health facility 😂😂
We still go out now but obvs take baby, haven’t been abroad yet but we plan to this year. But it’s a relentless job, there’s zero down time - something always needs cleaning or sterilising etc, the house is a tip - but seeing the happiness the baby’s brought us and our family feels worth it to me.

I love my kids and I love being a mum but I do really look forward to when they’re old enough to look after themselves so I can get my life back a bit! I totally understand why people choose not to have them and think the are perfectly able to live fulfilling lives. I sometimes wish I could be a part time mum, like they live somewhere else half the time 🤣
For me it was just a biological urge to have them I think. We have 2 currently, and I can think of a single reason why a 3rd would be a good idea. The only reason to have a 3rd is o WANT one. That’s it. That’s the only tick in my pro list while the cons list is full!

It's very personal, and only you can decide what life you want to live.

I do want to give a counterpoint to all those saying 'if you're not sure, you shouldn't have kids'

I was never sure about having kids. In fact until about 30 I was certain I didn't. I could see all the disadvantages and no upsides. I even asked friends with kids what the upside was, and they just said 'you really love them' which made no sense to me. DH felt similar, and we had a fab life with interesting work, good friends and lots of travel.

But in my 30s I started thinking I'd like to have a family which was mine. My adult birth family were naturally drifting apart as we got older, and although I was close to my brother's children, it wasn't quite the same as having my own.

We decided to go for it, and I had DD when I was 38 (10 years ago). She is absolutely the very best thing in my life. It scares me how easily I could have chosen not to have her (although I'm sure I would have been happy in my life and never realised!)

Sure, I didn't get any lie-ins for years, and life is often full on, and we'll have to work for longer before retirement (kids are expensive!) Those things you can see from the outside, and make you wonder why anyone bothers. But she's amazing and funny, and brings so much joy and fun and happiness to our lives. I love her so much and that brings me satisfaction and happiness: I can't really explain why! We've done all sorts of fun things which we would never have done without kids, and I love sharing the world with her.

The trouble is you don't have any frame of reference to understand the upsides of having kids before you have them. But of course people are different, and those upsides may not outweigh the downsides for you. Good luck with deciding what to do.

I was on the fence. I had a baby because of cultural expectations and DH wanted one. There have been pros and cons.

Pregnancy is awful and painful. Birth is worse and for me it caused permanent injuries. Babies are a huge burden, I hate them. My DS was about 3 before I felt any joy in having him. From then onwards he’s been a joy, but he still restricts my life.

Overall I’m glad I’ve got him and I adore him. Given the chance to start over I’d still have him, even despite the pain and injuries. But it is a sacrifice and you’re choosing between the joy of having a child vs the joy of freedom and living your own life.

'I think some people think it’s all fun and games.'

Some people really do, and seem to think it's going to be some sort of blissed out fairytale! I guess we have social media to thank for that 🙄

OP, I absolutely agonised over having children for many years. I felt the urge and the longing and the pining, but also knew that I was not cut out for the reality of it. I decided not to, and it was a loss I had to grieve very deeply. No regrets though. I'm 43 now, and often feel very grateful that I don't have children. It can be very hard to separate out what you really want from what you are told you 'should' want. Parenting is still seen as the norm, and something every woman wants deep down, and the most rewarding thing you'll ever do, never know love like it etc.

I agree with others that if you're really not sure it's for you, then take a step back

I do think it's a love like I have never known but I also sometimes think that intense love is a trap! Maybe better not to have that love and just have relationships that you can leave!

My situation was slightly different in that I never doubted that at some point I do want children but j couldn't make up my mind whether i should and I delayed it for many years as I just felt I wasn't ready.

My mum always said I would regret it if I didn't and that it's the greatest experience you can have.I used to just dismiss her or get annoyed with her.

Now I do have kids and I have to say for me personally it's the best thing that has happened to me and I shudder to think about what life would be like without them. They give my life direction and purpose. If my DD asked me for advice I'd say that if you are on the fence then maybe do have them as I can't imagine how painful it must be living with the regret and grief of not having a child if you do then want one at some point. If that's good advice I don't know but that's what I feel.

There is no right or wrong answer. I still strongly believe that having a child is inherently selfish so it's something you just do for yourself. You don't owe the world a child, and once you bring a child into this world, everything changes. It's a massive deal, a massive responsibility, but I think maybe for most people it's a good deal and a good experience. Or good or not maybe an experience they wouldn't have wanted to miss. I think naturally evolution favours those with a strong urge to procreate so most of us I think do have that inherent urge to have and raise a child and might suffer if we don't fulfil that urge. If you don't have that urge and think you never will of course there is absolutely zero reason to have a child. There is no good reason (for you, or others or the world) to have a child except if you really want one.

Thank you for all of your kind replies, I was half expecting to have my arse handed to me!

At the moment, I think I'm waiving more to the not having children category, but I also feel sad about that and can't imagine myself being older without my own family. I think what I wish for is to be 25 again and have time to get ready, I don't feel ready and that's the issue (I think 😂)

I was on the fence for ever. Got pregnant at 39 so just went with it. Been brilliant, couldn't believe how much I liked my child, and every year since I'm still surprised by how fantastic its been.

I've got one question for you which I'd like you to answer with one word:

Tomorrow your pregnancy test comes back positive how do you feel?

Placemarking. V v similar to you…

Me and DH are in our 60's and have never regretted our decision not to have children. We are even more sure now that we made the right choice.

So many of our friends have said if they could go back in time they would not have children. They all have grown up children and most have grandchildren or even great grandchildren. They say their children and grandchildren are still causing worry and grief.

I feel if someone is unsure it is better not to have children. Far far better to possibly end up regretting not having any than having them and regretting that decision

I don't regret not having children at all, I can honestly say I never give it a second thought. I always liked my life as it was, babies would have added nothing to it.

I was in the fence and had first baby aged 37. I look back in horror at what I might have passed up on x

I'm similar to @TinyBarista. DH and I (almost 40 & 42) haven't used any contraception for over 2 years. I've never been deeply driven to have children as some are, but I do / did like the idea of a family with him, and the challenges and adventures it would present.

The first year we tracked and watched our diets and alcohol intake etc, since then we've relaxed completely and are very much 'what will be will be' but the longer it's been and the older we get the more at peace I've become with our nice life, our total freedom and our nice affordable home (we'd need to move if we had DC).

So much so that I think it would be quite a jolt now if I were to get pregnant.

I admit that the amount of reading I've done here about the real unfiltered realities of parenting has helped qualm any fears of regretting not having them.

My kids are brilliant and I don't regret them but I absolutely wouldn't have kids if I had my life over again.

It's a very shit world right now.

I was adamant I didn't want children and quite disliked them, none of my friends or close family had any and I'd actively avoid being near any in pubs or supermarkets etc, I even asked to be sterilised at 23 because I was so certain.

Then when I was 34 my Mum had breast cancer and a brain tumour and something changed, I realised how important family was to me and the thought of being totally alone once my parents were dead filled me with dead, I was happily married but it wasn't the same as having a close blood relative.

I can't say I was desperate for a child all of a sudden but it became that the thought of NOT having a child was more scary than the thought of having one.

It took 3 years to conceive and right up until the moment Dd was born I was still scared of being a Mum however as soon as I saw her I knew her, it was such an odd feeling, we'd never met but she wasn't a stranger.

She's now 10 and has an 8 year old sister and I'm so glad I changed my mind, of course there had been hard moments, boring moments, frustrating moments but the good far outweighs the bad, I love having them in my life, they're funny, loving, clever, kind, fascinating and I find being a parent so much easier than I imagined, having them in my late 30's I didn't make any sacrifices, I'd already lost interest in going out every weekend and was financially stable.

Maybe if I'd had rose tinted glasses it would be different but I expected and planned for the worst so it's been better than I imagined.

They keep me young and I love doing things with them that I did as a child plus there's no better feeling than having a little hand reach up to mine or how they look at me and tell me they love me every day, I'm really excited to watch them grow into women and seeing what they do with their lives.

I have 4 children and love them all intensely. However the eldest is pondering having children. My advice is only if you are sure. It is life changing and not all for the good. You have NO time to call your own for a few years unless you ahve family support. The responsibility is forever. Yet I wouldn't change it for a minute. They are so much fun, hard work, joy, pain in the arses all in one. My child free friends have much freer, richer life's so hard to know!

I was on the fence, have 1 child just under a year old.

It took me a few days to get my head around becoming pregnant but once I got my head around that I havent looked back since. There are hard days of course but I've never regretted my decision. Everyone talks about the immense joy and happiness with the child which is obviously amazing, but one thing that shocked me was how much more in love I was with my partner after going through all of this with him. Seeing how much of a good father he is makes me so proud of him every day and he says the same about me as a mother.

FWIW I am VERY much still a person and not "a mother" if you get me. I still have a sense of self, my own interests and hobbies, as does my partner. I didn't want to lose all that and have being a mother as my sole identity.

I am 37, never wanted children but my bus did. We did casually try for a few years as a compromise but nothing.

I then had my surprise baby girl 8 months ago. I love her so much and do love being her mum. There truly are some amazing moments.

However I also know I would have been happy to had never had her. I have PND/PNA and struggle some days. Although it has got better. I’ve forgotten what I did before I was a mum and my entire life right revolves around this tiny human.

so although I don’t regret having her I don’t believe she has made me complete like some mothers feel.

Husband not bus!!!😂

I do think many people get to an age where they’re just bored of their own lives and concentrating on something else feels appealing. My mother said to me when I was in my twenties that when you have children ‘everything becomes about them’. I remember thinking that was NOT want I wanted. Hideous idea. Fast forward to 35 and I was so sick of myself i was grateful for another person to focus on.

With that in mind though a dog might also have worked well 🤣

When DH got married we were always a bit on the fence about having children, it wasn’t something that either of us felt really strongly about it. We did decided to try though but we said we’d only have one, and that if for some reason we couldn’t have children then we wouldn’t go down the IVF route and we’d just be happy being carefree.

Fast forward 10 years and we now have two children, aged 9 and 5, and as much as I love them, parenting is hard work.

I would never be without them now they’re here, they are amazing and I adore them, but sometimes me and DH like to dream about what life would be like if it were just the two of us and it’s a really nice fantasy. We often like to spend our evenings musing about how different our life would be if we didn’t have children.

The thing to remember is that once they’re here, you can’t take it back. It cannot be undone and with that can come the sacrifice of your freedom and sometimes the dreams and ambitions you had for yourself and your life.

I always said that if I ever got reincarnated then I wouldn’t have children in my next life.