I’m embarrassing my kids apparently

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Wasn’t sure where to put this, am a bit scared of AIBU…besides I don’t think I am. Not really S

DD21 told me yesterday that I’m embarrassing her and other DC, because I’m single. And I should just go and date so I’m not always “hanging around the house trying to talk to them”.

Been divorced now 8 years, awful divorce from a awful man who made mine and DC lives very unhappy. One disastrous relationship in that time that has further cemented my (unspoken) belief that all men are lying twatbadgers.

DC have mental health issues that has led to me giving up everything (and trying to do so with a smile on my face). My business, downsizing, etc, because I’ve had to be around for them 24/7 to deal with the medical and mental health side of their lives. I now work in a relatively low paid job to just about scrape together the money for the bills, because it’s the only thing I can do that I can have flexibility to meet their needs. I’m on my knees with exhaustion from all of it.

But apparently it’s an embarrassment that I’m not out dating, or have someone living with me. It makes me “so weird” that I haven’t “moved on”. Everyone thinks so, they tell me. Ex got to move on of course, only seeing your kids once a month gives tons of time to get a new life.

anyhow I’ve been awake most of the night mulling this over. I genuinely don’t feel I have anything to offer anyone. In the past I’ve debated finding a FWB or similar but I don’t even think I have the headspace for that. And it would mean slapping on a happy face for someone (because obviously I wouldn’t want to dump my problems on someone in that scenario). But I do feel that yet again I’m letting my DC down by not being the mum they want.

Any solutions or thoughts welcome.

Your DD at 21 should consider moving out if she finds your behaviour embarrassing. How dare she belittle you like that.

This sounds so lousy.
At 21, your DD is old enough to understand exactly what you've said on here
How dare she be so rude, while she's still under your roof given the sacrifices you have clearly made to provide stability
Crack on as you are, if someone does come along, that's your business!

Your 21 year old daughter who it sounds as though you are supporting told you that?

She’s home from uni for the summer.

Its not the first time she has said something like this. Actually all of them have. Even my mother likes to chime in with them. But I’ve had an exhausting week at work and it just really stung this time :(

I have tried so bloody hard to be a good example, renovated 3 houses on my own, done everything for the DC, yet apparently I’m still not doing a good job because I’m alone.

People wonder what’s wrong with me, she said.

Tell her that she should know better than to be so disrespectful. Ask her if she speaks to her friends this way?

I wouldn’t put up with that OP. Wow.

It’s your business if and when you want to be single or seek a relationship.

People used to ask me why I was “still” single and I’d shrug and say, probably my personality 🤷‍♀️

“Fuck off!” is a full sentence.

Fuck that. I'd be telling her exactly what's 'wrong'. Just as you've described here.

Let 'people' wonder!!
You sound fab, I hate that this has made you so blue
Why feel pressured to have a partner?
I'd be giving them a piece of my mind OP!

Kids can be twats. As can mums.

Choose to interpret this as permission to prioritise yourself now. It's not about dating, but about getting out there doing your own thing.

Join the evening class, go to the games night/book club/yoga class.

Agree wholeheartedly with your daughter and get on with doing whatever it is you want to do.

Choose to interpret it as coming from a place of love, wanting you to have your own life instead of one that revolves around the DC.

The thing is I do have very valid reasons but I can’t share them with her.

I decided when I left exDH that I would not have a relationship with anyone while they were still young. I was physically and sexually abused by a stepfather while my mum ignored it. So I could never risk that happening to them.

And I have massive issues trusting men because the “final straw” with exDH was him raping me. After years of other abuse.

im not obviously going to tell my DC these things! But it hurts so much that I’m not doing enough for them because I’m not merrily bringing tinder dates home just to seem “normal”!!

And I have tried before to have evening classes etc but endlessly having to cancel because there is a crisis at home (or not knowing what I would come back to) means that simply doesn’t work.

but maybe I will tell them I’m going on a date and go sit for a couple of hours in a coffee shop, read a book and get some peace.

Give her a list of what you’ve given up for her sake and then tell her that from now on you’re putting yourself first. Then do just that. She’s an adult so she can look after herself now.

what would you like to do with the rest of your life?

She is an adult, if she is so embarrassed by you she can move out. Disrespectful dick that she is.

I would read her the bloody riot act, how dare she be so disrespectful!
I would also point out that the only reason the little madam has a nice comfortable home to spend her uni holidays in is your hard work and sacrifice.
She isn't a baby, it might be time for her to hear a few if the reasons behind your decisions, sounds like she needs to grow up a bit.

She knows exactly all I’ve given up for her. But as far as she’s concerned her illness trumps that.

the rest of my life? I don’t even think like that. I just plod on, shouldering what I can, in a couple of years maybe the youngest will be at uni. But I have no idea what I will do then. My health is so wrecked now that I don’t look very far ahead.

And I feel dreadfully sorry for all of them that ex has moved on and quite clearly doesn’t give a shit about them. That’s a terrible burden for them to have. And I can see she is lashing out about that too.

But that isn’t my fault.

You really should date. Yourself. Take yourself to nice dinners, the film you wanted to watch, the coffee shop you never get to go. Time to focus on your own wellbeing. Your daughter sounds disrespectful and full of herself. She should know better at 21 speaking like a 12 year old.

I was sexually abused as a child and I've never hidden it from my kids. Why can't you tell them? It doesn't have to be awful, dramatic or full of details. Secrets destroy. And yours is destroying you, again.

I'm sure a lot of people here won't agree but the only person damaged by your secret is you.

And your DD21 has offered her opinion. Now she should learn to keep it to herself.

God I'd be angry. But as you've kept so much from her how could she know. I'd worry your house of cards will come tumbling down.

Good luck. You really deserve a better hand.

I suspect it's not so much that she's desperate for you to have a string of dates but that she wants you to have a full social life so you are not reliant on your DCs for company and are no longer tied into having to care for dependent DCs.

But obviously very clumsily and rudely put.

So there's your cue to get out there and pursue the life that you want OP without having to worry about the DCs.

Also I am sorry for the trauma you have suffered and hope you were able to seek counselling for that or otherwise come to peace with it.

If I see someone single for a long time I don't think 'how sad'.

If anything, I think good that they are not jumping into unwise relationships the way some people do.

Do not tolerate comments like that from your children. And I don't mean a careful explanation of circumstances etc, because that is not even necessary here. A simple "I beg your fucking pardon? How fucking DARE you. NEVER speak to me like this again. NEVER." would cover it. You should be very angry, not sad.

She's not a kid. She's 21.

Sounds like she might be projecting and as she gets better able to cope without you she’s rewriting history to make you the problem instead.

Nobody talks much about parenting adult dc, but their brains don’t fully mature until at least 25. Compassion, empathy, pro social judgement are all a bit lacking. It takes time (and sometimes a metaphorical kick up the bum) for some dc to recognise that their dps are actually real people with feelings and thoughts.

I’d suggest you pull them all up sharpish, your dm included. Anyone finding your company in your house hard to tolerate can think about a part time job and contributing rent.

It’s a very hard season of life that you’re in, and there’s better times ahead. And you don’t need a man to validate your existence. Don’t be taking life advice from people who haven’t a clue!

I’m not telling them about my childhood. Sorry but I think that’s unnecessary. I would like them to have a relationship of sorts with my mother, and how could they do that? She remarried before I had my DC.

Yes the idea of dating myself. It’s great, and I do, when I can, go to the cinema etc. But what they want (apparently) is someone here, round the breakfast table, being a family. Somehow I’m supposed to magic that up.