I’m embarrassing my kids apparently

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Wasn’t sure where to put this, am a bit scared of AIBU…besides I don’t think I am. Not really S

DD21 told me yesterday that I’m embarrassing her and other DC, because I’m single. And I should just go and date so I’m not always “hanging around the house trying to talk to them”.

Been divorced now 8 years, awful divorce from a awful man who made mine and DC lives very unhappy. One disastrous relationship in that time that has further cemented my (unspoken) belief that all men are lying twatbadgers.

DC have mental health issues that has led to me giving up everything (and trying to do so with a smile on my face). My business, downsizing, etc, because I’ve had to be around for them 24/7 to deal with the medical and mental health side of their lives. I now work in a relatively low paid job to just about scrape together the money for the bills, because it’s the only thing I can do that I can have flexibility to meet their needs. I’m on my knees with exhaustion from all of it.

But apparently it’s an embarrassment that I’m not out dating, or have someone living with me. It makes me “so weird” that I haven’t “moved on”. Everyone thinks so, they tell me. Ex got to move on of course, only seeing your kids once a month gives tons of time to get a new life.

anyhow I’ve been awake most of the night mulling this over. I genuinely don’t feel I have anything to offer anyone. In the past I’ve debated finding a FWB or similar but I don’t even think I have the headspace for that. And it would mean slapping on a happy face for someone (because obviously I wouldn’t want to dump my problems on someone in that scenario). But I do feel that yet again I’m letting my DC down by not being the mum they want.

Any solutions or thoughts welcome.

Just say yes you are right. I am off out, you stay with your sibling and babysit. Then go out and have a nice dinner and a movie.

She thinks other people think she’s weird and that there’s something wrong with her because she doesn’t have a boyfriend basically. She’s projecting.

Honestly I would tell her straight that looking after your kids has taken all your energy, you’ve been happy to do it, you are their mother and you love them but you don’t take instructions from them. If you wanted a boyfriend you would have tried to find one.

On a serious note your Dd has to understand that having a man is not the be all and end all. It is such a traditional view for such a young girl. Maybe worth talking to her about why she thinks you need a man and why she thinks its weird to not have one.

Your DD sounds incredibly rude and immature. That sort of thing might be acceptable at 14 but is not at 21.

OP, if it comes up again from either your children or your mum, I would suggest saying like "I have moved on thank you and am very happy being single. Better to be single than in the wrong relationship!" Do you have any time for hobbies, even at home? Because if you do, maybe do those in a visible way even if it's just reading for a bit every night, then if they push it and keep talking about you and being single, you can make it lighthearted "Oh I wouldn't have time for a relationship even if I wanted one! I am busy (reading/ crafting/ walking) and happy in my own company". Have some phrases that you bring out and then change the subject so its clear that deep discussions about your love life are off the table. It does sound like your daughter is projecting or mirroring what her father is saying to them about you, and the best way to react is with lighthearted, simple answers of being happy in your choice to remain single, whether you are happy with it or not. I was brought up by a single mother after divorce and without fail if asked when she was going to find another man/ why she was still single she'd reply with something along those lines.

Tell them to move out if they find you embarrassing.

This. Your daughter sounds like she has never stopped to consider what you have given up and done for her. Honestly, I would lay it out clearly.

She’s perhaps not old or at least mature enough to have considered this independently, but is old enough to have some grasp of it if you tell her.

i would tell her. You have made enormous sacrifices and deserve appreciation, love and respect for them.

At 17 my boyfriend gave me a wake up call about how I thought about and talked about my mother, and it changed my attitude for life. I hope your daughter has the same revelation if you speak to her.

Do what makes you comfortable.
Let them know you are not weird or feeling the need for a man.
Your past does not mean a partner will do the same to your family.
Find something for yourself.
Can your mother not help at home while you do go out and socialise so your children are not your only focus.
All adult children throw sarcastic comments around..does not mean you have to take notice or worry about what they say.
I wouldn't rush into a tinder app if you do not have the energy for fun and games unless that is what you are into.
Don't go missing out on your happiness, whatever you choose.

The next time your mother dares say a damn thing you tell her you never wanted to bring a man in the house with your children after what happened to you.
Honestly OP I think you need to do some work on yourself so you feel comfortable sticking up for yourself at the very least. When your dd tells you that you are embarrassing her, remind her that everything you have done and sacrificed was for her and her sister and if she doesn't like it she can move out. The problem is, when you give and give, the people around you do not appreciate it. They just expect more and more. They do not respect or love you any more for it.
Try looking after YOU instead of everyone else for a while. There will be kick back from your eldest bit remind her of what she said. She sounds incredibly entitled.

I’m so sorry OP that this abuse happened to you.

now your DD is 22 she might be able to process this information - as for your mother - I would repeat the above to her - she is old enough to take it and accept responsibility.

I’d stop paying your kids so much attention.

If she wants to be left alone so be it, see if you can get yourself a better job and start socialising with colleagues.

Little madam.

I decided when I left exDH that I would not have a relationship with anyone while they were still young. I was physically and sexually abused by a stepfather while my mum ignored it. So I could never risk that happening to them

My DM was widowed in her 30s with three children, two under the age of 10. She didn't date when we were children because she knew, and said, that our set up would be attractive to some men for precisely those reasons, and I admire her for that. I said some awful things to my DM as a teenager (that I wish I hadn't said) but I never ever threw that at her because I knew we were her priority.

Perhaps you need to get a bit more robust with them all and tell them that your life isn't up for debate and you don't care what people think.

Why should she? There is no 'must'.

Many people are very happily single.

Did you actually read what you quoted beyond the first line? It was all about being happily single.

She should take some responsibility for her own well-being and grow up. It's not a Mum's job to fix your shit for you. I had terrible mental health problems growing up, that doesn't entitle her to be an arsehole and blame everyone under the sun. What is she doing to help herself? I'd step back a bit because the more you do, the more they expect from you and the less independent they'll be. Next time they comment on your life, I'd tell them to look at themselves.

Why are you so bothered about what she thinks? Tell her to do one and to move out if she doesn't like it. Why you aren't dating is none of her business.

Sometimes you need to pat yourself on the back for doing such a bloody good job because unfortunately no one else is going to. I think that's the case here. You've done your best in the circumstances you were faced with and you've done well.

I think your DD's immaturity is coming out in these comments and I also think it's the age/ life stage... a lot of young adults are fairly insufferable when coming home after being away at university and enjoying their independence. I certainly was. I'd just tell your DD that she doesn't get to tell you what to do in your own house and if you want a life coach, you'll hire one.

You just need to find your voice,@honeyandbutterontoast.

Shush up.
Mind your own business.
If you keep this up, I’ll show you the door.
(then force her to move.)
Did I ask for your opinion?
I’m sorry, but your nose has grown .right into my business.
Since when are you MY mother?

Seriously - have a sincere chat with her and tell her to knock that shit off if she hopes to remain in your home. It’s intrusive, it’s offensive and hurtful and you’ve had enough. She needs to stop now.
If she laughs - don’t laugh with her. Tell her there’s nothing funny about it and there will be eviction consequences if it doesn’t stop PDQ. Then dare her to try you. When she does, put her out. Call her bluff.

So she hasn't got a boyfriend and it's all your fault?

I'm sorry to read about all the assaults you have suffered and understand why you have not shared this with your DD.

Those who have suggested your DD has to leave unless changing her tune I agree with.

I totally agree. The OP's daughter is outrageously disrespectful to talk to her Mum like that at all.

She's an adult and should know better.

People wonder what’s wrong with me, she said.

Have you pointed out that she knows full well what is wrong with you, and you would hope that, as an adult, she points out to "people" that it is none of their business?

You're a wonderful mum, OP, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Lots of complicated relationship things going on here, but I’m also surprised that someone who’s 21 thinks a woman needs a man to live a fulfilling life. Could you point out that her comments are not just rude and unkind, but archaic “I’d expect that sort of thing from Grandma, but why is someone born in the 21st century sounding like a 1950s advice column?”

I bet she would have also had something to say if you had had a string of different boyfriends when she was growing up too. You sacrificed your dating life in the best interests of your children, and now one of them is using it as a stick to beat you with.

I have found that the more time passes since I took a break from dating 4 years ago, the less inclined I am to want to have a go at dating again. I don't know why other people are so invested in other people's sex lives, as if being beholden to some mediocre, most likely problematic, man is the only route to happiness.

She very much believes in men being essential for happiness. She’s going to get married and never get divorced and “have to live in a shitty small house” - her words. I don’t know why she thinks that, it’s weird but her issue.

Her younger sister very much wants me to find someone because (in her words) she worries about me when she isn’t here, that something will happen to me. And she says she can’t ever go away to uni because of the thought of me being alone 🙄 Also she says she hates that her dad gets to live a loved up life even though he was so horrible to me (funnily enough she remembers the most what he was like, I don’t tell her things). In her words he has won because he has someone to go on holiday with and cuddle up on the sofa with etc. Whereas I’ve lost and she hates that he makes fun of that.

So I can understand my youngest DDs feelings, she is very grateful for all I do for her. Well as much as a 16 year old ever is!

I would be much harsher. My DS is autistic so understand about giving some level of lenancy however there is no way I would let him get away with speaking to me like that.
Heater 17 and sometimes comes out with some bullshit and I very clearly tell him he's being incredibly rude and never to speak to me like that again. He actually needs to be told more than the others and it's a good lesson for him going forward in life.
Don't get upset and sad instead act incredulous that somebody could say something so rude.
You deserve a bloody metal put children even adult children are exceptionally bad at recognising what their parents did until they have children of their own. They are coming to an age now where you need to put yourself first and that doesn't mean going on dates with shitty men but it does mean prioritizing your pleasure!