I’m embarrassing my kids apparently

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Wasn’t sure where to put this, am a bit scared of AIBU…besides I don’t think I am. Not really S

DD21 told me yesterday that I’m embarrassing her and other DC, because I’m single. And I should just go and date so I’m not always “hanging around the house trying to talk to them”.

Been divorced now 8 years, awful divorce from a awful man who made mine and DC lives very unhappy. One disastrous relationship in that time that has further cemented my (unspoken) belief that all men are lying twatbadgers.

DC have mental health issues that has led to me giving up everything (and trying to do so with a smile on my face). My business, downsizing, etc, because I’ve had to be around for them 24/7 to deal with the medical and mental health side of their lives. I now work in a relatively low paid job to just about scrape together the money for the bills, because it’s the only thing I can do that I can have flexibility to meet their needs. I’m on my knees with exhaustion from all of it.

But apparently it’s an embarrassment that I’m not out dating, or have someone living with me. It makes me “so weird” that I haven’t “moved on”. Everyone thinks so, they tell me. Ex got to move on of course, only seeing your kids once a month gives tons of time to get a new life.

anyhow I’ve been awake most of the night mulling this over. I genuinely don’t feel I have anything to offer anyone. In the past I’ve debated finding a FWB or similar but I don’t even think I have the headspace for that. And it would mean slapping on a happy face for someone (because obviously I wouldn’t want to dump my problems on someone in that scenario). But I do feel that yet again I’m letting my DC down by not being the mum they want.

Any solutions or thoughts welcome.

I think it's an amazing example to build a life without a man to be honest, showing you don't need a man to survive; a great lesson for a young woman to be honest.

It's a very disrespectful thing to say, I'd call her bluff though and say you're right it's time I started prioritising myself, whilst that doesn't mean I want to date (no woman needs a man to be happy) now you're all a bit older I will be putting myself first, thanks for the push. If she doesn't like her mum talking to her in her own house then perhaps after university she can look for somewhere else to live eh.

Yes! Don't bother dating or actively looking, but do start taking time for you and building life where you aren't always available to them.

Kids actually need to push you away in order to feel free to grow up. Your loving consistency makes them feel dependent when they want to feel all grown up!

Help them get that feeling. Pretend you are not at their beck and call all the time.

And don't run unless there is a genuine emergency only you can help with. Tell them about other people they can call on if you aren't around.

I made a sheet with lists of people and phone numbers - John at no 13 is a mechanic, ask him if the car won't start. Jane at number 1 is a nurse. Ask her if you have an accident. If you lose the dog or he gets hurt, Jack will help.

Honestly they won't need it but it helps them know they can cope if you aren't there and that you trust them to cope. And if they do need someone, even random neighbours will help. They don't need to be pals, generally people help in a pinch.

Yes omg they are hard at this age. Totally get it about them being this way till 25. Funnily enough it was all so much easier when they were small.

I think if you did have a partner I'm sure they'd moan about them anyway.

It was put very unkindly and rudely. Is it possible that by saying "people wonder what's wrong with you" she's trying to communicate that there is nothing wrong with you and that you deserve to be in a relationship if you want to? A (very) clumsy encouragement?

I only ask because at 21, she probably thinks being in a relationship is the default that everyone wants rather than having the life experience to know that isn't the case.

I'm so sorry you have been taken for granted the way it sounds like you have. It's bloody heartbreaking when you give up everything for people who just don't see it. They probably will one day, but that's small comfort today. I think you should tell the 21 yr old that you're a survivor of sexual assault and that you aren't interested in her opinions about your love life now or in the future. You don't have to give her any further information, but she needs to back off and she should feel some embarrassment for her very intrusive and judgemental statements. Would she speak to anyone else that way?!

There is nobody else that could help. We are talking anxiety attacks, suicide threats, autism overload rather than simple things a neighbour could help with.

That isn’t me being a martyr. That’s just how it is.

If they can cope with being away from you at uni, they can cope with you having your own life. I’m guessing you are constantly on tenterhooks that they will do something seriously stupid. But if you can’t commit to a regular evening class because you’re constantly worrying about them you can’t commit to a relationship even if you wanted to and honestly you sound like you’re on your knees and need to start prioritising you, if that means taking a book to a cafe, do it.

I think you’ve reached a point where you have to be realistic, you can’t spend your life being constantly available for adult dc who sound like for the most part they are managing, if they are not that is a different issue with different solutions. I’m not saying all this lightly, I do have personal experience of how a friend has dealt with similar but that is not my story to tell, and my own dd was very needy from a mh perspective for a few years. But you must start prioritising you, you are no help to anyone if you are completely burnt out. I handled it by starting a hobby where I was in water so completely uncontactable.

I wouldn't give them a list of reasons as to why you're single, you don't owe them an explanation and you certainly don't have to justify your decision. It's none of their business! Next time they bring it up I'd tell them clearly and firmly that they are being rude and inappropriate and if they continue to berate you then they know where the door is.

If you did have a boyfriend that would probably be “embarrassing” too! I think it’s just DC’s age - think they’re grown up and know everything.

You’re being the mum they need, you don’t have to tie yourself in knots to be the mum they think they “want”. That would be embarrassing too as you’d be trying too hard!

Have you had any therapy or counselling?

No, I get it. You aren't being a martyr, I know.

But is there some way you can make it look that they can be independent? Helpline phone numbers, or steadily increasing periods away?

Only you know what is practical in your situation.
But you deserve at least a few moments of life to yourself.

And if they want someone else at the breakfast table, they can go and whistle up their own relationship!

Can you laugh and call them cheeky?

Tell your DD that if she doesn’t like it, she can find somewhere else to live.

Is this your DD? How does she cope away at uni?

DD is in continual contact while at uni. That’s how she copes. Numerous phone calls, texts, etc. Youngest DD is still at home. Homeschooled.

I very much doubt any of her friends could care less about whether you have done kind of romantic partner. This will be about herself in some way. Without knowing either you or her it's impossible to know how though - there are many possibilities.

Does your Dd have a boyfriend? If not it could be that she's projecting her own embarrassment/upset that she doesn't have one when her friends do.

Or it could just be about her struggling with not having her Dad around.

Alternatively it could be about you giving her an appropriate level of 'space'. Is it possible that, especially with your DC having mental health issues you're being overly involved for her age. And she's just trying to defend a reasonable amount of privacy. Or she could be deflecting to avoid taking about whatever you're 'hanging around asking her about' because it's something she's struggling with. Or just find it difficult to be at home again after the independence of university.

That being said I do think it's important that if at all possible you take some time for yourself to do things you enjoy and look after your own mental and physical wellbeing - and I appreciate that it can be really difficult some times. But it's really important for both you and your DC that you do. Your dd could see that you are struggling and exhausted and (being 21) thinks a man is the answer to your problems.

It doesn't have to be dating and I wouldn't lie and say it was - but if you want to go and sit in a cafe and have a coffee and get some peace then do that. Or meet a friend or do whatever makes you happy.

I think I’m just so disappointed. I had this stupid romanticised vision that my DC would grow up and we could have lovely adult chats (obviously never talking about anything too opinionated 🙄), maybe I would have time to go away for a night and they could look after the house and pets and I could be a grown up and enjoy a bit of life.

Instead it’s like a Groundhog Day of meeting their demands whilst constantly falling short (yes sorry it’s a small
house and your dad has loads of money and I don’t!). And being so so tired 24/7. And now I’m supposed to be dating too?

She doesn’t have a boyfriend because of me. I’ve set her a bad example and she doesn’t feel comfortable around men because there isn’t one in the house. Like getting a dog so they are used to it I suppose 😂 I did laugh at that.

Stop being a martyr. When people say unkind things, tell them to stfu.

When it's your own DC saying unkind things, why have you not parented them? I say "that's not a very kind thing to say" and I certainly would not listen to a whole rant! Cut them off and say "Excuse me, that's a very unkind thing to say".

It's your house and your life, you're an adult. Take control and set boundaries. Other people don't have to like it.

Tell her you haven't got a partner because it's not an essential part of life and that you're not going to settle.

She does need to know she's being disrespectful, though.

Your daughter is emotionally separating. Of course she finds you cringe - it's how she gains independence.

Laugh at her and tell her it's your life so luckily you won't be making any decisions about your own relationship status based on what other people think is best, but following your own lead.

Gently suggest that after uni she finds somewhere to move that isn't back home.

How old is your other DC?

Oh goodness OP. She sounds like she's desperately looking for someone to blame for her own dissatisfaction with her reality. You must know that this isn't the case. The example you've set is independence, resilience, loyalty and stoicism. She can take all of that and learn from it, or reject it because there wasn't a boyfriend in the mix. Not your problem! Which I know sounds a bit simplistic, but you need to know that you couldn't possibly please her right now. She is looking for a way to avoid self-reflecting.

And that future you hoped for in terms of your relationships with your kids is still available. They might take longer to get there than neurotypical kids sometimes do, but they can still get there.

I understand you can't share some of the details of your past, but you can say this - quite bluntly. That it's not fair to lash out at the one person who has always put them first.

Then commit to putting yourself first a bit, whatever that means to you (not horrible tinder dates)

I don’t know what to say but your daughter is a little madam isn’t she?

I hope you gave her the reality check she so desperately needs. I am outraged on your behalf.

They are adults. If they want to create a new family/bring new members in then that's up to them!

Your daughter sounds like an entitled bitch. Tell her if she doesn't like it, she can go stay somewhere else. I'd be leaving her to sort out her next "crisis" on her own. You deserve some time out - just turn off your phone. I do know about having neurodivergent children but she sounds insufferable.

I've been married for 30 years to a wonderful man. They are out there. He grew up in a blended family and is still close to his stepmother and stepfather who were both wonderful people so there are cases where these families work. In fact, my son when he was little thought it was so good that dad a mother and a stepmother that he asked his dad if he could get a stepmother too.

You sound great. Your DC sound spoilt, selfish and cruel.