I’m embarrassing my kids apparently

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Wasn’t sure where to put this, am a bit scared of AIBU…besides I don’t think I am. Not really S

DD21 told me yesterday that I’m embarrassing her and other DC, because I’m single. And I should just go and date so I’m not always “hanging around the house trying to talk to them”.

Been divorced now 8 years, awful divorce from a awful man who made mine and DC lives very unhappy. One disastrous relationship in that time that has further cemented my (unspoken) belief that all men are lying twatbadgers.

DC have mental health issues that has led to me giving up everything (and trying to do so with a smile on my face). My business, downsizing, etc, because I’ve had to be around for them 24/7 to deal with the medical and mental health side of their lives. I now work in a relatively low paid job to just about scrape together the money for the bills, because it’s the only thing I can do that I can have flexibility to meet their needs. I’m on my knees with exhaustion from all of it.

But apparently it’s an embarrassment that I’m not out dating, or have someone living with me. It makes me “so weird” that I haven’t “moved on”. Everyone thinks so, they tell me. Ex got to move on of course, only seeing your kids once a month gives tons of time to get a new life.

anyhow I’ve been awake most of the night mulling this over. I genuinely don’t feel I have anything to offer anyone. In the past I’ve debated finding a FWB or similar but I don’t even think I have the headspace for that. And it would mean slapping on a happy face for someone (because obviously I wouldn’t want to dump my problems on someone in that scenario). But I do feel that yet again I’m letting my DC down by not being the mum they want.

Any solutions or thoughts welcome.

Your DD needs a crash course in feminism. You have worked, run a household and raised them alone. She should be looking at you in awe. No-one is judging you except people who are insecure in themselves.

Also tell her that marriage means men live longer but that's not true for women. I have a few friends who are single women and have sworn off men. They still have social lives!

You do realise that she is talking complete shit and you are as bad for entertaining it, right?

Just because she hit a nerve, doesn't mean she's correct or is any authority on anything.

she is home for uni
putting the world to rights, on this occasion, you.
i think my own dd said similar things, although i didnt embarrass her, not that she told me.

you do what makes you happy

but maybe I will tell them I’m going on a date and go sit for a couple of hours in a coffee shop, read a book and get some peace.

Do exactly that. And when she calls you while you're out - which it sounds like she will - tell her you're doing as she asked and will have to cope on her own until you get back.

At 21 think they know it all and actually know fuck all. Tell her in no uncertain terms you will live your life as you see fit and don't need her input.

OP, does your daughter do her fair share of housework?? Maybe time she takes responsibility to frees up time you enjoy some spare time.

Do you have a friend you can stay with for a night? A friend going through a breakup stayed with me EOW. Food and wine while watching TV on Saturday night. Day out Sunday before returning home to her kids.

She's 21, a few years into adulthood now. She's old enough to be told to shut up and mind her own business.

Tell her no man would want to take on such rude and disrespectful step kids!

I am sorry she has made you feel this way. How selfish of her.

'And she says she can’t ever go away to uni because of the thought of me being alone'

Bless them. If only they knew the sheer bliss of being alone after years of parenthood.

I was going to say we are an embarrassment just breathing to a 15 year old, but 21? Say it's your home and you can do and be what you like. She's welcome to find her own (self financed) home if it's so intolerable for her.