I’m embarrassing my kids apparently

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Wasn’t sure where to put this, am a bit scared of AIBU…besides I don’t think I am. Not really S

DD21 told me yesterday that I’m embarrassing her and other DC, because I’m single. And I should just go and date so I’m not always “hanging around the house trying to talk to them”.

Been divorced now 8 years, awful divorce from a awful man who made mine and DC lives very unhappy. One disastrous relationship in that time that has further cemented my (unspoken) belief that all men are lying twatbadgers.

DC have mental health issues that has led to me giving up everything (and trying to do so with a smile on my face). My business, downsizing, etc, because I’ve had to be around for them 24/7 to deal with the medical and mental health side of their lives. I now work in a relatively low paid job to just about scrape together the money for the bills, because it’s the only thing I can do that I can have flexibility to meet their needs. I’m on my knees with exhaustion from all of it.

But apparently it’s an embarrassment that I’m not out dating, or have someone living with me. It makes me “so weird” that I haven’t “moved on”. Everyone thinks so, they tell me. Ex got to move on of course, only seeing your kids once a month gives tons of time to get a new life.

anyhow I’ve been awake most of the night mulling this over. I genuinely don’t feel I have anything to offer anyone. In the past I’ve debated finding a FWB or similar but I don’t even think I have the headspace for that. And it would mean slapping on a happy face for someone (because obviously I wouldn’t want to dump my problems on someone in that scenario). But I do feel that yet again I’m letting my DC down by not being the mum they want.

Any solutions or thoughts welcome.

I guess it’s more the norm to find someone quickly and be a couple. At least in my circle of friends. Everyone I know who got divorced was living with someone/married within a year. My friends are too polite to actually say much about it though, although they will occasionally say “so any dates?” Or similar.

This is it. I was just going to ask if she has a partner herself. She is clearly projecting (ie making the issue about her about you instead, as a defense mechanism) as she feels deep down that she is all the things she is accusing you of ie weird or lonely. Much safer way to release her emotions than admit it might be something wrong or unlikeable about her.

Please don't think this about you not doing 'enough' for them (they wouldn't necessarily be better off with you giving attention to a boyfriend over them') you also don't need to justify and reasons as to why you're not dating or single to them - you can set a boundary that your love life isn't their business unless you meet someone you plan to introduce them to you won't be discussing it with them, and then keep repeating that sentence every time it comes up (children and mother!)

Also, just in case it needs stating, the reason she is single is not because you are single. Thousands of single parents to adult children have children that are in relationships.

I think try and feel compassionate to yourself and to her. You could say 'I'm ok without a boyfriend. It seems like you want one though. Do you want to Tell me more about that'

I'd be telling her to go live and suck the life put of her fucking father, what an entitled rude little cow you have as a daughter.
I feel so sorry for you op, she sounds horrendous and at 21 she can fuck off until she's had an attitude change, using her illness to abuse you is vile and shouldn't be tolerated.

You should tell your daughter this. She’s 21, not 10.

I thought I was about to read how you have a teenager who thinks you’re embarrassing just for existing - that would be normal! Your adult child is being an ungrateful little madam. You have made huge sacrifices to pander to her after going through something awful yourself - the least she could do is behave herself and be a bit humbler. You sound like a great mum OP and have done more than enough.

Ask her

So does this mean i get carte blanche to comment and ask you about your sex life dear daughter? I mean this can go both ways and i can embarass you far more than you can embarass me.

It's not that normal to find a new happy relationship quickly and easily when you're the one with the kids full time! If your friends have that is luck not normal

Yes 😂

I would bet your daughter would still complain if she woke up one day and there was a man at the breakfast table. Or you started dating someone seriously and talked about moving in together.

Sometimes people can only really see what is in their immediate circle. She is quite self-centred and maybe when she grows up a bit she will see the bigger picture.

Your reasons for staying single are totally valid. I would think about having a serious chat with her about your choices and plans for the future.

I say this as someone whose oldest kid is twelve though.

I would probably reply with “don’t be so bloody rude and if you don’t like me hanging around MY house then you are free to go somewhere else”

How old are you OP?

Im assuming your 21 year old daughter doesn’t have SEN, so I think she’s old enough to understand what you’ve done and why you’ve done it. You were in an abusive marriage and had a nasty divorce. Your children had a lot of problems that required your presence, so like any good parent you made the necessary sacrifices (downsized, reduced working hours etc). The way you live now is a direct consequence of you meeting their needs. You don’t want thanks for it, because it’s what any good parent would do. But you don’t expect to be criticised for it. When they are older and more independent/resilient, then you will have the energy to start dating again if you want to.

Ask her how she’d feel if every time she rang you from university you didn’t answer as you were on a date!

You do not have to define yourself by being with a man! That’s a pathetic, misogynistic point of view

your private life is none of her business.

she was very rude, deliberately cruel and nasty. Just tell her you are not interested and walk away. Don’t let yourself be a target for her bitchiness.

sounds like it’s time to start putting yourself first.

she is an adult - treat her like any other obnoxious adult and just disengage and leave. Don’t let the fact she is a cow enter your headspace bcos that is her issue, not yours.

It is possible that she is worried about you being alone.

My DD asks why I’m single and I’m very honest that I’m very content in my life and my happiness doesn’t come from a man.
I say that it’s very difficult to find the time to meet and date someone when I work FT and a single parent and when I have free time I just want to chill.

It cam out recently that she is worried about moving out and me being lonely.
I have said I do plan to meet someone but as I’m happy being single I’m in no rush and I’m just living my best life.

Perhaps your DD sees her dad happy and feels sorry for you but can’t articulate it.

It’s hard if you have a young one who additional needs at home but I would definitely try and get some hobbies/friends.

Well your eldest is not learning much at university is she?
She should be proud of her strong independant mother who supports her children through all their challenges.
Has she heard of feminism.. women getting the vote...?
She should have learned by now that a woman does not need a man to be an entire human being.
Maybe you need to step back and let them both face some of lifes challenges without your 100% support.
And stop allowing them to criticise you and you life choices.
If she is SO embarrassed she can always go somewhere else for her summer break.. to her fathers perhaps.
At 16 and 21 they dont get to tell you how to live your life.
And you KNOW at 16 and 21... they know NOTHING of life... so stop dwelling on their ramblings..
Stop trying to please everybody except yourself.
Stop listening to everybody except yourself.
You have been hurt in the past... allow yourself to heal in whatever way you can.
But please dont answer to your kids or your mother.. who sounds like she has her own problems... or to anyone else.
Just be you.
You are enough.

I do think many women struggle to be single and will make it their mission to find someone new as soon as their relationship ends.

Most women I know would also be trying to start a serious relationship within a few months of separating.

But they’re not necessarily happy.
The new man is usually more about convenience rather than being head over heels in love.

Does your dd have a boyfriend? Sorry if I missed that.
I was widowed 5 years ago and starting to get the odd comment. I plan to point out it's not compulsory to be paired up in future. One of the comments was from someone in an unhappy marriage who would never dream of being single.

You sound totally awesome and one day your dc will realise this, but unfortunately, it may not be for a little while yet!
I think now is the time to in-still in your dd that women don’t need men to make them happy and that bringing up dc can take a lot of energy - even when they’re at uni.
Be proud of what you have achieved and don’t let them say otherwise.

Your dd sounds like she's not 100% happy with her own life and you're getting the brunt of it. As parents do, but being by yourself it stings more, as you've given up so much to get where you all are and it seems she's trashing everything you did. And i agree with others, if you could knit a perfect man and he was sat at the table every day, she'd find fault somewhere there too.

I have total sympathy for you. You've done so well with so much to shoulder. Whilst ex is living his best life...the bastard.

Save us from 21yr olds who become like a 1950s Mother.
Ignore her, smile nod and agree, then carry on
As a last resort tell her to find you someone, that will keep her busy.😄

I think it's odd for dcs to be 'embarrassed' by a single/divorced/not dating parent. It's not an unusual situation to be in. I'm sure they have friends with parents like you. So I tend to agree with pps saying that your dd is using you as an excuse for issues in her own life - not having a boyfriend, etc. That's normal too - I think most young people look for reasons for the things they are anxious and insecure about, and will blame parents and other aspects of their lives. But that doesn't make it an okay way to treat a parent.

Personally I think you should tell your dd/other kids an edited version of what you've said here. Obviously leave out things you'd rather they didn't know, but they do need know that (a) you don't have the time/energy/desire to date at the moment, and (b) that she is overstepping someone else's personal boundaries. It doesn't matter that it's her mum, a friend, or anyone else, she shouldn't be trying to shame you into being her kind of normal, whether that's your relationship status, job, home, hobbies or anything else.

OP, my sister was like this - special needs and severe mental health problems (actually a personality disorder) and needed my mum for everything and yet was horrible towards her. It absolutely destroyed my mother. My sister took as much as she could get away with (both in terms of energy, validation and money) and had no boundaries at all. My mother was incapable of putting boundaries in place because my sister's vitriolic anger and threats of suicide were so distressing. My mother was essentially in another abusive relationship with her own daughter.

This comment about your dating life honestly sounds like the tip of the iceberg. I think you should ask whether you can get some help to change the terms of your relationship going forward. You have to look after yourself and you are doing your daughter no favours to let her treat you like this.

I can understand why you wouldn't want to share details of the sexual abuse and rape with them, but I think you could tell your 21-year-old daughter at least that there are reasons why you are single which you are not prepared to share with her. After all, you are allowed a private life. I would also point out how sad you find it that she thinks she needs a man to validate her life - you certainly don't. She would be far better off getting a decent career where she can afford her own "big house" and not rely on a man. It's so depressing that young women still think this way.

I have read somewhere (sorry I know this is anecdotal) that more men remarry after divorce than women. I don't really understand how this works - unless they are marrying women who haven't previously been married - but the reason cited is that it depends on how positive an experience marriage was for you. In lots of cases marriage worked well for the men - but not for the women, so they counted themselves as well rid. You did not have a positive experience of marriage so why would you repeat it?

I got divorced nearly 20 years ago. I have not remarried - not even dated - and I can think of only a couple of occasions where people have commented. I replied along the lines of "Good god no - why would I want to do that again?" or saying that my ex was a luxury I couldn't afford, or that I liked a quiet life. Nobody has pressed me further, of course this could be my age - I was late 40s when I got divorced. Also I have sons not daughters, so maybe that makes a difference.

I think, even despite their special needs, you could say to your daughters that you don't appreciate your private life being discussed with your ex husband (and presumably his partner) and that his alleged "sympathy" for your single state is in fact gloating, which is unkind. Also, that you are allowed to make your own life decisions and take up space in your own house without having to answer to them and their friends.

Honestly they sound so unappreciative and I think they need telling (well, maybe the eldest) but you know their needs and I don't. I would however definitely tell them that their opinions as stated are very hurtful.

Nope, “people” do not wonder what’s wrong with you, just as they don’t give a second thought to why any other single person is single.
DD sounds more like a rude 13 year old than an adult, and the others shouldn’t be chiming in.
How dare she speak to you like that in your own home, and the home that you provide for her. How dare she say you shouldn’t be trying to talk to your own children in your home.
Tell her she doesn’t need to stay there if she feels that way. She can get a houseshare and spend her time with people she doesn’t find embarrassing. I assume that she’s single herself and she doesn’t find herself and her friends embarrassing.

I would tell dc it is embarrassing how rude they are. If they wanted you to date because you deserved to be happy with someone that would be one thing but to tell you to date to keep up appearances is really self centred and hurtful. Tell dc "my love life is not your concern, if you dont want to be around me go to your room. I will not be discussing this with you again "

I think it's time for you to put yourself first. Your daughter is using you as an emotional punchbag. That needs to stop.

If she's at uni, they have support mechanisms for mental health, she should seek help from a professional source.

Abusing you will not help her one iota, although it might make her feel better about herself in the short term. It will not equip her for adulthood.