I’m embarrassing my kids apparently

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Wasn’t sure where to put this, am a bit scared of AIBU…besides I don’t think I am. Not really S

DD21 told me yesterday that I’m embarrassing her and other DC, because I’m single. And I should just go and date so I’m not always “hanging around the house trying to talk to them”.

Been divorced now 8 years, awful divorce from a awful man who made mine and DC lives very unhappy. One disastrous relationship in that time that has further cemented my (unspoken) belief that all men are lying twatbadgers.

DC have mental health issues that has led to me giving up everything (and trying to do so with a smile on my face). My business, downsizing, etc, because I’ve had to be around for them 24/7 to deal with the medical and mental health side of their lives. I now work in a relatively low paid job to just about scrape together the money for the bills, because it’s the only thing I can do that I can have flexibility to meet their needs. I’m on my knees with exhaustion from all of it.

But apparently it’s an embarrassment that I’m not out dating, or have someone living with me. It makes me “so weird” that I haven’t “moved on”. Everyone thinks so, they tell me. Ex got to move on of course, only seeing your kids once a month gives tons of time to get a new life.

anyhow I’ve been awake most of the night mulling this over. I genuinely don’t feel I have anything to offer anyone. In the past I’ve debated finding a FWB or similar but I don’t even think I have the headspace for that. And it would mean slapping on a happy face for someone (because obviously I wouldn’t want to dump my problems on someone in that scenario). But I do feel that yet again I’m letting my DC down by not being the mum they want.

Any solutions or thoughts welcome.

I love @pickledandpuzzled 's advice

My DC are only little but I will be doing this when they're in their later teens!

Your daughter's words were cruel, and were intended to hurt you. Sounds like she needs to work on herself and leave you to your business.

You’re assuming that they’re right. They’re not. You do not need a man to have a happy, fulfilling life.

How is your mum generally with you? From what you posted it sounds like this attitude stems from her.

This is your home, your life, how dare they say shit things like that to you. If DD1 doesn’t like it then she’s old enough not to live with you.

See if you can get some counselling, I suspect there’s a lot more to unpack.

I wonder if her mental health issues and maybe subconscious guilt about how much you’ve given up for your kids is causing her to lash out.

Like, “It’s not my fault that mum is exhausted and has almost no time for a social life or dating because she’s so busy taking care of my needs. She’s just too lazy to date, it’s embarrassing.”

I think the best thing you can do is just continue to be that safe place for her. Laugh and say, “Sorry you’re embarrassed! I’m a bit short on time for dating. Would you like to whip me up a flattering dating profile and vet all the applicants for me?”

It sounds like you could stand to spend a bit more time being nice to yourself and not questioning your own value. You’re doing amazing, and your daughter doesn’t realise she’s speaking purely out of her own lack of experience and insecurity.

Does your mother set up your DC to hurt you?

They're really very young. I don't think this kind of relationship happens til about 28/30 in my experience (in terms of my relationship with my own parents which is now v close and open, and I'm 41)

Kids can be vile. And she is still a kid in a way - she sounds like she has some growing up to do. She is looking for someone to blame for her own problems. Don't take it at face value. But do start prioritising yourself a bit more.

I’ve made a few assumptions here so feel free to discard if I’m wrong. But this is where my mind immediately went!

I don’t think this has anything to do with you being single or not. You said you previously had to drop so many aspects of your own life to always be there for them, and this probably meant ‘hanging around’ them and anticipating their every need, which was the right thing at the time.

Now the DC are older and less reliant on you, are you maybe still behaving that way? “Do you want breakfast, are you thirsty, what did you think about that, are you hungry, what are you up to, tell me when you’re coming home so I can get dinner on” etc etc.?

Assuming your behaviours haven’t changed, and if DC21 is now used to living more independently at uni, I can understand why she’d feel this way once home (coming from me in my 30s whose DM still treats me this way and it’s smothering/torturous and spoils our relationship when I’m home). But your DC is assuming this is a product of you being single rather than seeing the real reason.

I think you should -

Tell your DC whether or not you have a partner is nothing to do with them, make that boundary clear.

Start putting yourself first more now. Spark up hobbies again. Be spontaneous. Be less available when the DC come to stay. Most adult children will much prefer this - you will be able to bring more interest to the relationship, have more to talk about, and your relationship will evolve in to its next phase.

You need to have a stern talk to you daughter. Not that you've explicitly said, but it feels like you kept quiet when she said all of this because you don't want to upset her mental health. At the detriment of yours. I've seen this dynamic in my PILs house.

Yes your DD has MH problems but that is no way to speak to you, with such disrespect. This is the thing. MH issues or not, people have to navigate life and relationships and their MH cannot be an excuse for callous or cruel actions, which I would put this under.

Lay it out plain, you won't accept such unpleasantness from her. You've given up so much to enable her life and she needs to wind her head in and show you love and respect. If she can't, she should consider plans to move out. She is an adult. I know you want to help her all you can, but you can't live her life for her.

Your mother, with the history of minimising your childhood experiences is a whole other story (and personally I'd tell her to shut the fuck up).

Agree with others that your daughter is not coming well out of this. I see lots of minimising and excusing of young people's behaviour on here, with developing brains talk etc etc. What I do know is that I wouldn't have dreamt of speaking to other people like this at 21 (or even up to the age of 25!).

Sounds like she has very little respect for you and could do with some enlightenment. When she goes on about not being used to having a man in the house then suggest she spends more time at her Dad's. And your mother! If she starts then I'd make it quite clear you're still suffering from the effects of sexual abuse when you were a child and which she chose to disbelieve/ignore, so she needs to back off too.

Honestly OP, I really think you need to bite back with these people instead of accepting them speaking to you like shit. They completely take your passivity for granted. The worm needs to turn before you have some sort of breakdown. Prioritise yourself for once.

@CheekyHobson
yes I think you’ve nailed it. It’s her way of not facing up to all of it.
what she also does is point out my flaws. I try not to react as it’s learned behaviour (ex would encourage them to do it, and he feels a need to pull apart every part of my life to them even now).

in fact, light bulb moment, he says a lot to the DC how “sad” he is that I’m all alone and it’s such a shame that I didn’t meet someone new. So that isn’t helping.

Someone asked about my mum? Yes she believes a woman can’t exist without a man. When I got divorced she was horrified. We don’t see her often, she tends to get all tearful at leaving me “on my own” when she goes. Ffs.

OP, the key thing to work on here is your self esteem. If you are single and are broadly happy with that decision (which it sounds like you are?) and someone says to you that you should be dating, your thoughts should not be (to give a couple of examples from your posts on this thread) "but how would I fit that in?" or "maybe I could go out for a couple of hours and pretend I was in a date". No! This is YOUR life we're talking about!

It sounds like you are so accustomed to meeting the demands of your DC that you automatically put them first even when it is literally none of their business. You need to say to your DD, in no uncertain terms, that it is 100% your choice whether or not to date someone and you don't require her input or appreciate her comments.

And then work on starting to find yourself again OP. What can you do that is just for you? As your DC get older can you consider taking in a more challenging job again?

I don’t crowd them.
Really I dont.
They crowd me. It’s worse than when they were toddlers. At least then I had my evenings to watch tv when they were in bed.

And do you just accept her pointing out all your flaws?

Of course I don’t accept it! I tell her it’s unacceptable behaviour etc.

But (making excuses here), part of her MH issue is appearance based so things like that are a big deal to her. But aren’t to me.

And if your ex's opinion gets mentioned then respond that's it's none of his business. Your children have to start appreciating that you are a person in your own right and don't just exist as an emotional punchbag for them.

OP, you keep saying ‘it’s not my fault’, about various things. But of course they aren’t your fault and I wonder why you feel like you have to point this out. It makes me wonder whether on some level you think that it IS your fault. Have you had any therapy for your traumatic upbringing? No one taught you healthy boundaries and self esteem and it seems like that’s playing out. It would be great if you had some fun and socialising/hoboes away from the children but that doesn’t mean necessarily having a partner. Wishing you all the best

Wow op I would not be standing for this.
Yell your dc that they are very rude and if they don’t want to ‘hang out’ with you, they know where the flaming door is. Tell them this is YOUR house and they are welcome to leave at any time.
Stop being available. 21 is not a child. Many, many people have been married with children at that age- they were not derided for being children were they?
I would not stand for this. Stop making excuses for your rude children.
I also believe they are projecting here and you need to be more honest and blunt with them.

She's being deliberately hurtful.
It's very difficult but maybe you need to detach a little bit. She feels too enmeshed - she needs you for emotional support but maybe this makes her too dependent and she resents you for this.
It sounds as if you have given up everything and subsumed yourself in her needs. It's an unkind way for her to make the point, and maybe it's not just about dating, but it's time for you to separate emotionally and do your own thing a bit more.
You don't have to be perfect, or strong all the time. If you think that your previous experiences affect your life now, then in the interest of authenticity and your future relationships with your children I think you probably should tell them about what has happened to you. You don't need to give details but as a PP said, you can say that you are the survivor of sexual assault and that affects you now. You can say you don't want to get involved with a man again.
And you can tell her not be so disrespectful, she doesn't have to like your lifestyle choices but as she is an adult they are not her business and she needs to make her own independent choices and not be so reliant on you.

"It hurts that I am not doing enough for them."

I think you need to examine that statement. In what way are you not doing enough for your children? You have given up your life for them! Maybe your DD needs to have a few home truths spelt out for her ... she is now an adult and you do not need to shelter her from reality.

Tell her what you have told us. Tell her ... spell out for her ... that you regret none of your choices and would do it all again because you care deeply for her and sibling/s. But she is old enough to know the facts of what you have done for her. She is getting a good education and owes that to you ... to all you have done to get her to this point.

She does not need to know the sexual history ... that is your private business ... but she does need to know that your choice as to whether you enter into a relationship is yours and yours alone and there is nothing weird about your choice. You are an independent woman and many people fought for your right to stand on your own feet and live your life as you choose. Many women choose not to be part of a twosome ... it is an entirely valid choice.

The problem here is that you are letting this get under your skin rather than standing up for yourself. You will have a lot of adjustments to make as your fledglings flee the nest and do not need your DD undermining you in this way. In reality if you had picked up a new man along the way it would have caused the need for lots of adjustments at home that maybe your DD would not have liked.

She is being very very silly .. and ungrateful ... and needs calmly and lovingly telling so.

The fact that this has touched such a raw nerve for you is maybe something that you need to think about. Maybe you need to be looking at some longer term plans for this new phase of your life. You have, against the odds, made a good job of child-rearing and now you need to look to your own future and decide how you want that to look. If a new man happens to drop into this plan somewhere then that is fine ... but it is also fine without. There is nothing wrong with women .. or indeed men ... who choose to live a single life.

I wish you lots of good luck and commend you for your achievements.

I find that an extremely bizarre attitude, especially from someone so young. To think it's "weird" and "embarrassing" not to have a man! Seriously? I have never (at any age) felt like that. In fact I can see so many benefits of being single I sometimes wonder why so many people are in relationships!
I'd speak to her sternly and say you currently have no desire to be in a relationship and snaring a man is not the key to happiness or fulfilment.

You should absolutely tell your adult DC this. They are exceptionally rude and lack understanding. Is your mother also unaware of how men have treated you in the past?

Your daughter sounds young for her age, I'm guessing you've been wrapping her in cotton wool for most of her life and that's understandable. I think you need to have a proper talk with her about how you talk to other people and how she made you feel. You don't have to tell her all the details of why you don't want a man in your life but you can give her the gist.

Wow, how rude of her! I'd be telling her it's none of her business!
I do wonder if your ex and your mother are fuelling this attitude though with their comments and behaviour.
I suspect she's 'lashing out' at you because you're the closest one to her. Doesn't make it acceptable though.
You'd think she'd commend you for being strong enough to raise a family alone, not embarrassed. That's very odd.

Is it just your older dd who acts like this or are they both as manipulative towards you. As a general rule suicide threats are a means of manipulation rather than a serious threat, has she had medical help from a gp? Antidepressants, therapy etc.

you absolutely have to start disengaging, if you get a panicky text message back say you’re busy has she tried xyz and you’ll call her in an hour or so and do it. I found by not jumping the second they demand they started to develop more coping mechanisms.

shut down any rude talk, either use ‘please don’t speak to me like that’ and walk away do not engage any further. Or a simple I’m happy with my own life and shut down whatever is her latest gripe.