I so hope this is the end (dying)

[Soupsetscared]

Mum broke her hip on Monday, had an operation on Tuesday.
She has been suffering with dementia for a number of years.
Lives in a residential home. She does have a DNAR in place.
Went to see her Wednesday and she is just curled up sleeping alot.
Same Thursday and Friday. The only thing she has eaten is a spoon
of porridge. One small sip of water. Ripped the canulla out herself.
Now is refusing all food and drink.
Yesterday the only words she said was to call me 'evil and a fING bith.
Today she hasn't eaten or drunk anything.
Hospital say it's not at the end yet. Will call me when it's nearly time, so I can
ring my brother and aunt.
I have never heard mum swear. I'm her only daughter and upset that she
thinks that about me.
Am I evil hoping it is the end. She has no life can't remember any of her family
and friends. Forgotten she was ever married.
This was someone who was the first on the dancefloor and last to get off.
Enter a beauty contest before marriage and won.
PA to the CEO of a top company.
Loved everyone and anyone.

There’s a beautiful film called A Monster Calls (2016) that you might find cathartic; the boy in the film has to work through the same feelings you are experiencing. You’re not evil, you sound like a wonderful, loving daughter. I’m so very sorry for what you are going through, big hugs xx

Bless you, @Soupsetscared. It's a difficult time to live though (I have personal experience as you know).
Your mum scrimping and saving really echoes with me - my DM did everything she could to make it alright for everyone, but always had a mind on what it was costing. I think you and I must be of a similar generation.
Even if you name change, come back here and tell us what's going on if you need to.
I feel for you and know what you're going through.

Thinking of you. Sounds like your mum was a lovely person & had a good life. Hopefully the last 3 months will soon pass from your memory.
Take care 🌷

I remember when my mum said something similarly hurtful to me. I knew she had dementia and I cried all the same. On reflection I did not cry because I was hurt by what my mother said, I knew my mum loved me and that what she was saying was just the evil dementia speaking.
Not with my mum because I really didn’t accept I was going to lose her but with my dad I did wish for his release. We love them and want them to be peaceful. That’s ok I believe. Xx

Things we found out after we cleared her house out.
She was trained to a high level to play the piano. (we never had access to one)

We found similar things about a relative's early life and it does make you reflect. I wish I had known more before.

Again I wish you well for the future and I'm glad your mother is now at peace.

A life very very well lived OP. What more can we ask for.

❤️

What a life. Thank you for telling us about her.

This is my last and final update.
We held mums funeral on Monday there was nearly 150 people in attendance.
Relatives travelled from London, Scotland and 2 from Northern Ireland.
It was a lovely service my brother read a poem mum had written and I read the eulogy which mum had mostly written herself.
The wake was held at the pub she worked for.
Service was at 1pm and there was still over 50 people at last orders.
Lots of sore heads yesterday. Heard so many stories about her from everyone
she was loved and will be missed. Lots brought photos.
One of her as Miss Whiplash is seared on our minds.
And most importantly everyone wore a colourful outfit.
Brother bought a bright pink suit for the day.

Thank you for your lovely comments and support during these last few months.
Now for a name change.

That sounds like a wonderful send off.

I really hope your memories of the horrendous last few months will fade and you will just remember your lovely mum.

I am sorry for your loss OP, and that your mum had to suffer so much at the end. I echo what @Peridot1 said, that those memories fade and you'll be left with the lovely memories of her. ❤️ Wishing you all the best.

Sounds like a lovely send off

Best wishes to you for the future

Glad she's now at peace OP. My mother had Alzheimer's and I know what a bastard illness it is.

Grieve the mum you knew - you did all you could. 💐

I'm so glad for you that you were able to give her a good send off. She sounds like an amazing lady.

So glad you sent your Mum off surrounded by love

@Soupsetscared when a person get dementia it is really no longer them speaking but the disorder. My Gran no longer recognised my Mum, who was her only child and had cared for her in her home for 8 years before my Dad died and she couldn't manage to lift my Gran on her own so she had to go into a home. My Mum visited her every single day for 4 years only to be called 'nurse' by my Gran who didn't know who she was. It was heartbreaking to witness. You are not bad at all just your Mum is a prisoner of the illness. Even with no food and very limited sips of water your Mum might live several more weeks. You sadly lost your Mum years ago. Try to remember your Mum of old not the person left consumed by dementia. That's not really your Mum.

Those are the memories to hold on to OP. That is your Mum. The one you'll remember for ever. You made me smile with the best tea set only used twice. I'm not sure my Mum ever used hers, the one she was given on her wedding day. People often do a little rally before the end. My Mum had pancreatic cancer and like your Mum became skeletal towards the end as she couldn't eat or even sip water and she couldn't speak. Luckily she got morphine pain relief. She was clearly going downwards quickly but 2 days before she died she seemed a lot brighter and could speak a tiny bit. She watched an episode of Home and Away, wanted to see a new dress my sister bought and asked me about my 2 son's. She passed away in the early hours of the next morning. I was relieved and all of my sisters were relieved because she couldn't go on as she was losing weight, not eating or drinking and in pain. In the end she only weighed 5 1/4 stone. The undertaker told my sister.

The funeral sounds gorgeous. So sorry for the loss of your lovely mam.

This has been a heartbreaking journey but I'm touched to have been here with you as have so many others.
Love to you OP

The funeral sounds perfect, you celebrated the woman your DM really was, not the one dementia made her.

I'm sorry for your loss OP but I hope you and your mum will both find some peace now. The funeral sounds like it went well and hopefully all the good memories will offset the final months you went through. Lots of love to you 💐

@Soupsetscared, that sounds like a lovely send-off!
Now is the time to gather yourself, taking time to adjust to what life will be like for you now - I'm eight months down the line from my DM passing away and I'm still not settled at times because of the routines we had in place, which leave me feeling strange because I was used to doing them.
Wishing you all the best,