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Original poster

I so hope this is the end (dying)

346 replies

Soupsetscared · 10/06/2023 18:14

Mum broke her hip on Monday, had an operation on Tuesday.
She has been suffering with dementia for a number of years.
Lives in a residential home. She does have a DNAR in place.
Went to see her Wednesday and she is just curled up sleeping alot.
Same Thursday and Friday. The only thing she has eaten is a spoon
of porridge. One small sip of water. Ripped the canulla out herself.
Now is refusing all food and drink.
Yesterday the only words she said was to call me 'evil and a fING bith.
Today she hasn't eaten or drunk anything.
Hospital say it's not at the end yet. Will call me when it's nearly time, so I can
ring my brother and aunt.
I have never heard mum swear. I'm her only daughter and upset that she
thinks that about me.
Am I evil hoping it is the end. She has no life can't remember any of her family
and friends. Forgotten she was ever married.
This was someone who was the first on the dancefloor and last to get off.
Enter a beauty contest before marriage and won.
PA to the CEO of a top company.
Loved everyone and anyone.

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 24/09/2023 11:14

i am so sorry for your loss, may she rest in peace now Flowers

BMW6 · 24/09/2023 11:44

I'm so glad her suffering has ended and she's on her way, and do sorry for your loss.

Makes sense that she was so on form Wednesday, I've heard of that happening just before death (and have personally witnessed with a dog). It's so great that your last memories can now be of Wednesday when she was so like herself.

Theluggagerules · 24/09/2023 11:48

So sorry for your loss. We had a similar situation last year and I really hope you take some time for yourself to heal and rest

Interested in this thread?

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Dementia & alzheimer's
wayyour · 24/09/2023 12:16

I posted a while back on your thread, so sorry to hear of your loss, but it must be a relief to know your mum is at peace now @Soupsetscared 

fatmoodycow · 24/09/2023 14:12

I'm so sorry for everything you have been through.

Kiwano · 24/09/2023 17:26

I'm so glad your mum is at peace. I felt like that when my mother died, and in a way happy that she was no longer tortured by the living hell her life had become.

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 24/09/2023 18:39

So sorry for your loss OP.

I replied early on in your thread and have been following quietly.

Blessings that your mum passed peacefully. It is all any of us could hope for.

Love and strength to you and your family at this difficult time. x

Daleksatemyshed · 24/09/2023 18:52

I'm so sorry you and your DM have had to endure this for so long Op. People who haven't been through this don't understand how wicked Dementia is, how you can love someone and yet still hope for death to finally put an end to their suffering. Your DM is at peace now, I hope that you will find peace too

vipersnest1 · 24/09/2023 19:51

You've been on such a long journey to get to this point, @Soupsetscared. Of course you don't know how to feel. I still feel numb about losing my DM back in January and got very upset today when I heard that a member of my extended family who was younger than me had finally passed away after a long illness (cancer).
The grief can pop out at the most unexpected moments too.
I'm glad for you and your DM that it was peaceful.
Take it one day / hour / minute at a time as you need to, and be kind to yourself. Flowers

upinaballoon · 24/09/2023 20:11

Just stopped by to see how things were and are. xxx

reelcat · 24/09/2023 20:30

Thinking of you and your family, the next few months will be a blur of emotions. I am glad she went peacefully in the end x

YoucancallmeKAREN · 24/09/2023 20:41

I am so glad you Mum slipped away in her sleep. Your emotions will run from grief to relief to guilt which is normal. Take time to care for yourself Flowers

Honeyroar · 25/09/2023 13:10

I’m really sorry for your loss, but glad it’s finally over for you all. My dad did ten days on end of life and that was torture enough, I don’t know how you’ve coped with all this time. What a tough cookie she must have been. Take a few days to breath and calm if you can before all the funeral plans start.
(I too wrote some of my dad’s eulogy while he was asleep on end of life care. You’re keeping yourself together and remembering good things about them. It’s not a bad thing).

Missingmyusername · 25/09/2023 14:20

💐I’m sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Soupsetscared · 25/09/2023 15:13

Thank you all for your lovely comments.

Unbeknownst to the family she had written her own eulogy. (given to the funeral director) I will just add a few things. There is also a poem she wrote.

There was also a message to my brother don't be buying a suit waste of money.
And the one for me was no black as it will make me look old or ill.
Colour is the theme of the day.

In charge even after death.

OP posts:
upinaballoon · 25/09/2023 19:58

Nice that she has written most of it.

Someone at work died when she was 49 and she wrote some of the things that were in her funeral.

vipersnest1 · 25/09/2023 23:27

@Soupsetscared, I hope that some day you will be able to raise at least a small smile at what your Mum has done.
Not so much being in charge after her death, but forward planning to take the strain off you, I think?
We still haven't buried my DM's ashes with my DDad (the remaining sibling my DM had has had awful issues of their own to deal with just now). We will do it in time, but will totally ignore my Mum's statement that she didn't want us 'to have a party'! There will definitely be a gathering of all of us, including DCs that live overseas. It won't be a party, but will, I hope, be a lovely celebration of my Mum and the love that she and my Dad shared.

RichTeee · 26/09/2023 14:51

I'm glad that she is now finally at rest.
I'm glad that you and your family can now feel some peace and comfort knowing she is no longer suffering.
I hope her funeral brings you comfort and I feel some sort of pleasure in hearing she is still bossing you and your brother around after she is gone.
My thoughts are with you and sending love while you recover from this long and painful experience.

Original poster
Soupsetscared · 30/09/2023 22:41

This is my last post on this thread. Will name change after.
Just wanted to thank you all being by my side during mums last week's.
Funeral is all sorted.

I want to tell you about her life from adulthood.
Worked as a shorthand typist. Promoted at 19 to be the personal secretary to the boss.
Met dad at 15 married at 20.
After dad finished his national service they bought their first house costing £345.
Had 2 children. After I went to school mum went back to work part time.
First in a bingo hall then in the local pub. She didn't need a till could add everything up in her head quicker.
Loved holidays with dad then after he passed with her sister.
They loved fancy dress.
Mum could make a friend just standing at the bus stop.
Apart from her sister her longest friend she met on her first day at school.
Sent and received more than 300 Christmas cards.
I have her telephone book there is no space for anymore entries.
At the moment I have received over 100 replies of people who are coming to her funeral.
Mum before covid wrote her memories of living during the war.
Over 50 A4 pages.
Entered and won a beauty contest going to London for the final.
(first prize was £100 plus a long weekend in London in as mum wrote a posh hotel)
Had 2 children
6 grandchildren
8 great grandchildren.

Things we found out after we cleared her house out.
She was trained to a high level to play the piano. (we never had access to one)
Had 15 pen pals some from over 30 years.
Had poems published.
Letters she wrote to us way before she became Ill. These were in a folder at the solicitors.
We now have more questions than answers of why she didn't give us a clue of the money she had. The jewellery dad bought her that was in a safe box.
Mum always shopped cheap. In her letters she was saving the money for me and my brother. Feel sad that she didn't or couldn't bring herself to spend.

I could tell you more about her but anyone coming to her funeral will know who I am.
I can say with hand on my heart she loved and cared for everyone.
Except the lady at the top of the street who tried to kick my cat when I was 6.

As mum wrote she didn't set the world alight but lived it to the full.

Thank you all again for your support.
I now know to tell my children about my life and things before I die.

Sorry its all muddled but tonight is an emotional one for me.

OP posts:
WitchDancer · 30/09/2023 22:47

Oh the love that comes through from the way you speak about her tells us so much. What a wonderful person she was, and I'm pleased you will have so many memories of her to comfort you in your dark days. Flowers

Thank you for sharing

DyslexicPoster · 30/09/2023 22:50

Bless you, big hugs. The next few months will be hard. I'm a few months ahead of you. Just hold onto the lovely memories

HellNoBedBug · 30/09/2023 23:01

i have read through all your posts in one go tonight. Your mum sounds an amazing woman and the love you had for her is clear for anyone to see. Dementia is so cruel and we really do need to change the law. It is slightly better, in that they used to put an artificial feeding tube in patients when they could no longer swallow and they would last even longer than they do now and it was cruel.

Quantumphysicality · 30/09/2023 23:08

Ive only just seen your thread, but I just want to say how very sorry I am for your loss, but also for the unnecessary upset you have had to endure.

My mum died from cancer earlier this year. Her demise was thankfully much shorter, but still long enough for me to wonder why the fuck we keep people alive when we would not let animals suffer so badly.

Pashazade · 30/09/2023 23:11

I wish she had told you the things you have only just found out, but I'm glad you were able to learn about them so you could share them with us (and everyone else). I hope the funeral goes well and you can be proud of the number of lives she touched.
This is only the first half of this poem but I was recently introduced to it and think it's perfect.
[[https://hellopoetry.com/poem/1184764/the-dash-poem-by-linda-ellis/
The Dash Poem (By Linda Ellis)]]
I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on the tombstone
From the beginning...to the end

He noted that first came the date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That they spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved them
Know what that little line is worth

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars...the house...the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

LetsPlayShadowlands · 30/09/2023 23:39

I'm glad your lovely mum is now at peace and I'm very sorry for your loss. She sounded wonderful. I've recently went through similar with a much loved and missed family member. They are so special, more than they ever knew. Hope the funeral goes well. Best wishes to you and condolences x

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