Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I so hope this is the end (dying)

346 replies

Soupsetscared · 10/06/2023 18:14

Mum broke her hip on Monday, had an operation on Tuesday.
She has been suffering with dementia for a number of years.
Lives in a residential home. She does have a DNAR in place.
Went to see her Wednesday and she is just curled up sleeping alot.
Same Thursday and Friday. The only thing she has eaten is a spoon
of porridge. One small sip of water. Ripped the canulla out herself.
Now is refusing all food and drink.
Yesterday the only words she said was to call me 'evil and a fING bith.
Today she hasn't eaten or drunk anything.
Hospital say it's not at the end yet. Will call me when it's nearly time, so I can
ring my brother and aunt.
I have never heard mum swear. I'm her only daughter and upset that she
thinks that about me.
Am I evil hoping it is the end. She has no life can't remember any of her family
and friends. Forgotten she was ever married.
This was someone who was the first on the dancefloor and last to get off.
Enter a beauty contest before marriage and won.
PA to the CEO of a top company.
Loved everyone and anyone.

OP posts:
user1471453601 · 10/06/2023 18:59

@Soupsetscared I had a dear and wonderful friend who cared deeply for her mother. Her mother hit friend with walking stick, stuck a knife in her arm and bit her.

after the mother died of a stroke I said how sorry I was she'd lost her dear Mum. Friend looked at me and told me she'd lost her Mum years ago.

My friends Mum wouldn't have attacked my friend like that, it was the dementia that did that.

and its the dementia that is currently calling you names.

LakeTiticaca · 10/06/2023 19:02

Your mum does not think you are evil. It's the dementia talking. My mum was released from the prison of dementia a couple of years back. I grieved for the mum I once knew, but I was glad that she passed away peacefully on a morphine drip. I agree with pp who said that these poor people aren't allowed to pass away peacefully anymore, being pumped full of drugs, rehydrate and sent home for more misery. I would have questioned the surgery to repair her hip as well. Why put her through that?
I feel your pain and hope your mum passes peacefully soon xxx

JenniferBarkley · 10/06/2023 19:03

YANBU at all OP, it's so cruel. The mum you love and who loved you has already been taken from you.

When my grandmother had dementia, she had tests for cancer. My mum was hoping she would have it as they would keep her comfortable and then she would be at peace. As it was, she went on quite a while longer.

I hope your mum has a kind and gentle end, and that you find some comfort in it. Flowers

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Dementia & alzheimer's
ChimbarasiKotapaxi · 10/06/2023 19:03

OP she doesn't think that about you - she doesn't know it is you
I cared for my mother who suffered from dementia for several years I never stopped hoping for her release I send you my thoughts

TonTonMacoute · 10/06/2023 19:03

No, it's not wrong at all to want an end to your mum's suffering. My mum had severe dementia and died peacefully and unexpectedly in her sleep. The relief was enormous for me and my DF.

If your mum has stopped taking food and drink the end might be quite near now.

Pandonut · 10/06/2023 19:05

Dementia is very cruel, my beautiful dad was the same. He had a stroke in the end and I felt like such an awful person for hoping it would end his suffering. Thankfully it did, he wouldn't have wanted to struggle on but I still grappled with lots of emotions and I wish I'd been more open and honest with trusted friends etc with my feelings as i realise now i felt that way out of love and nothing more, nothing less.

Thinking of you OP, it's really hard.

25sheets · 10/06/2023 19:08

Your mum wouldn't want to "live" the way she's having to live would she. Just think about if you'd asked her 10 years ago. She would have said "no way".

CrapBucket · 10/06/2023 19:08

OP I’m so sorry, it’s so hard. Wishing peace for your mum and sending you love. Your description of her is amazing, she sounds like a wonderful person.

ClaraThePigeon · 10/06/2023 19:09

And yes the words are very upsetting but there's no real meaning to them. She doesn't know what she's saying. It really is the dementia talking. I know how hard it is to remember that though
.

HMMOG · 10/06/2023 19:09

Poor you and your poor mum.

She doesn't think anything bad about you- it's the dementia, she doesn't know what she's saying or what she's said.

It's totally natural and kind for you to wish her a swift passing. I hope that it is as peaceful as can be. You will remember your mum as she was and how much she loved you, which is what she would want.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 10/06/2023 19:10

If she isn't taking fluid either by mouth or by drip she might have a UTI which can cause confusion (and pain) to add to the confusion and pain she is already in.

Strength to you to keep you going through this difficult time Flowers

HRTQueen · 10/06/2023 19:16

You want the suffering to end because of love

it’s so cruel for you all your mum spirit/soul/ the very essence of her being died some time ago

I hope for you all the suffering ends soon

MegaClutterSlut · 10/06/2023 19:18

Yanbu. Your mum does not think those things one bit, its the dementia. Sorry you're going through a tough time 💐

My df has dementia. He always used to say to me that if he ever ended up with something like that to put him out of his misery. He would also be mortified if he knew the crude comments hes made to me. I know its not him though, my dad is 'gone' 💔

Howmanysleepsnow · 10/06/2023 19:19

She doesn’t think that about you OP. Only she knew who she thought she was speaking to when she said that, and likely she forgot nearly as soon as she’d spoken x

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 10/06/2023 19:23

My sympathies OP. My DM and my DP’s DM both went through similar things. It’s horrible and I wouldn’t feel guilty about hoping for a quick and peaceful end for her.

From my experience it’s normal for someone near the end to stop needing to eat and drink, the body knows. It may take a while yet, it’s difficult to predict but probably not too long now.

NotRightNowNo · 10/06/2023 19:26

Not awful at all. My elderly mother is relatively healthy but rapidly, increasingly frail. I find myself wishing something quick will happen to her. Not just yet of course, but I don't want her to have a long slow decline like this. Its a horrible thing for the person going through it, and for the loved ones close by. Sending love and strength to you OP

Prescottdanni123 · 10/06/2023 19:27

Definitely not evil. She is at the end of her life. When my grandmother died from pancreatic cancer, I was heartbroken but at the same time relieved that she wasn't in pain any more.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 10/06/2023 19:31

You are not evil at all, we all want to end the suffering of loved ones when they are in pain and near the end. Your mum when she swore she was not swearing at you, she has no idea where she is. I hope the end is close and quick for everyone's sake. Flowers

whatausername · 10/06/2023 19:32

Would the medical & nursing team be willing to move to end of life/comfort care?

Original poster
Soupsetscared · 10/06/2023 19:39

Just had a call from the hospital asking if they can put a DOLs in place.
Will this prolong her life.
Lots of questions. Going back to see the Staff Nurse for an proper explanation.
I live 40 minutes away so it will be past visiting time.

OP posts:
Oldermum84 · 10/06/2023 19:45

A dols is a "deprivation of liberty safeguard". It just means that she lacks the capacity to decide where she is right now, so if she were to ask to leave (doesn't matter of she's likely to ask this or not) they can keep her there. Nothing to do with prolonging her life.

vitahelp · 10/06/2023 19:46

I’ve hoped and prayed it was the end for two close family members who were suffering/in pain. It doesn’t make you evil. I hope she is at peace soon.

The memories of how she is at the moment will eventually fade and you will just think of who she was when she was herself, before the illness, the happy memories.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 10/06/2023 19:57

You are not evil. Far far far from it. Massive hugs because what you are going through is horrible. I can’t say if this is the end, but I would say it’s highly likely that it is the beginning of the end (sounds so much like both of my in laws endings). No one can give you a timeframe, and we found the hospital let you know more when it’s was hours away rather than a week/days.

Honeyroar · 10/06/2023 20:01

Soupsetscared · 10/06/2023 18:28

Thank you for your messages of support.
She isn't on a drip and they cannot force her to eat or drink.
Last month we put our beloved dog to sleep so he wouldn't be in pain,
yet I can't do the same for my mum.
Dementia is one cruel disease.
She doesn't understand that she has had an operation.
Dignity went a few years ago. Now it's wearing pads.

I know exactly what you mean. When they put my dad on end of life it took two weeks and was awful to watch. I’d never have put a pet through that. 😥. In the nicest way, I hope she drifts off peacefully and quickly. And huge hugs to you.

FairAcre · 10/06/2023 20:08

This was the beginning of the end for my mum with dementia. Refused food and drink after an illness. We refused any intervention like a feeding tube. It was heartbreaking but we knew she would have hated her life how she was. She didn’t last a week.