I so hope this is the end (dying)

[Soupsetscared]

Mum broke her hip on Monday, had an operation on Tuesday.
She has been suffering with dementia for a number of years.
Lives in a residential home. She does have a DNAR in place.
Went to see her Wednesday and she is just curled up sleeping alot.
Same Thursday and Friday. The only thing she has eaten is a spoon
of porridge. One small sip of water. Ripped the canulla out herself.
Now is refusing all food and drink.
Yesterday the only words she said was to call me 'evil and a fING bith.
Today she hasn't eaten or drunk anything.
Hospital say it's not at the end yet. Will call me when it's nearly time, so I can
ring my brother and aunt.
I have never heard mum swear. I'm her only daughter and upset that she
thinks that about me.
Am I evil hoping it is the end. She has no life can't remember any of her family
and friends. Forgotten she was ever married.
This was someone who was the first on the dancefloor and last to get off.
Enter a beauty contest before marriage and won.
PA to the CEO of a top company.
Loved everyone and anyone.

I'm so sorry, dementia is a really cruel disease

Oh OP so sorry to hear this. No you're not evil this sounds awful for your mum and horrible for you to experience. I hope the final stages don't go on too long. It's perfectly natural to want someone to pass peacefully. This doesn't sound like you're getting that so to want things over sooner I completely understand and don't think many would judge you.

No, you’re not evil. It sounds like your mum is in extreme physical and mental pain. There’s no way she will have meant to swear at you like that, her aggression is fuelled by her pain. Stick by her, and I hope the rest of her time is as peaceful as possible. OP.

She doesn't think that about you, the Mum who loved you was lost to the dementia. I hope she soon has a peaceful end. I would be feeling the same as you.

I absolutely hear you and I'm so very sorry. I felt similar watching MIL fade away from cancer last year - I just thought, PLEASE let her go. It feels awful but it's totally understandable. Sending lots of peace to you and your mum x

A lot of people at the end of their life stop eating and drinking. I would think this probably is the end, maybe a few days to go. It's so awful when your relative isnt themselves anymore. The kindest thing is for them to die. So so sad. Try to remember her when she was younger and not like this. She wasn't swearing at you. She is not herself. She loves you. Thinking of you xx

oh I’m so sorry - how horrible to watch it play out. And I totally get the hope that this is the end. I cannot reconcile that we wouldn’t let pets get into this state and yet we expect beloved family members to fade without any help getting there.

It’s not her speaking - don’t believe that that’s what she thinks of you. My grandmother took quite a long time to die once she stopped taking fluids - she had no drip though. Does your mother have a drip?

it’s so painful to see a loved one so diminished. You’d have to be heartless to hope that she could recover to a half life when you know how much she embraced her full life in her youth.

It doesnt mean she thinks that of you at all. Somebody I know going through a similar thing with a parent told me even the digestive system shuts down in the end with dementia. So maybe thats why she is refusing food. It's really difficult and upsetting for the family.

OP, don’t feel bad for feeling what you feel.

Deep down you know you already lost your mum when dementia robbed her of who she was.

I think medicine has reached the point where it’s medical abuse to forcefully prolong existence when all quality of life has gone.

It is torture to watch someone you love so much diminish into someone you don't recognise, nor would they recognise themselves. I had my siblings with me. We all prayed that our Mum would just let go and die peacefully. It is an awful feeling to wish on someone you love. She too was curled up, she seemed so small when she had been so big despite being less than 5'2". She was larger than life, a grafter, generous, beloved and that is the memory of her that we cling to.

I would say ring your brother and aunt now. With my Mum we could see it coming, with my Grandma and MIL it came suddenly at the end, like a drop off after a steady decline.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

It’s awful isn’t it? It’s evil that we pump people full of drugs to keep them alive as long as possible when they’ve lost everything that they have been. YANBU and I’m sure your mum doesn’t really think that about you.

Thank you for your messages of support.
She isn't on a drip and they cannot force her to eat or drink.
Last month we put our beloved dog to sleep so he wouldn't be in pain,
yet I can't do the same for my mum.
Dementia is one cruel disease.
She doesn't understand that she has had an operation.
Dignity went a few years ago. Now it's wearing pads.

You’re not evil for feeling this way at all. My Mum has early onset and is only 63. Suffering horrendously with menopause symptoms but can’t have HRT because of historic breast cancer, is under cardiology and rheumatology and quite frankly she’d rather have the HRT and get breast cancer again than live for god knows how long, slowly losing her mind. Gentle hugs to you.

Both my mum and aunt had dementia and our families were relieved and grateful to God when they died. My mum was just a shell, knowing no one and nothing. She'd simply stare off into space or turn her head when I tried to 'reach' her. My aunt 'turned' on her DD and started telling her to 'get out' and slapping her/grabbing her arm. You just can't take any of it personally. My cousin and I told ourselves that our mums were 'gone' long before they died.

I will pray for a swift and peaceful passing for your mum.

Sorry to read this @Soupsetscared. Dementia as others have mentioned is a cruel illness as your mum is experiencing.

Be kind to yourself, this is not your dear mum talking, it the illness. Keep the memories of how lovely, caring and a unique individual your mum was.

Hope it is not too long for all of you. Hugs to you and your family

I often thought of these song lyrics when I was in your shoes
“There's a shadow much darker than the valley of death
When you fear the reaper night not come today”.
No advice etc just I understand. Dementia is unspeakably cruel.

*might, obviously.

This sounds incredibly hard OP. Look after yourself. I hate dementia, it's awful.

• I'm her only daughter and upset that she thinks that about me.* Am I evil hoping it is the end. She has no life can't remember any of her family and friends.*

Oh god, I am so sorry. She does not think that about you - that is dementia/delirium talking. You are not evil, there definitely comes a point when people should be let to stop their suffering. Sounds like she is there. Big hugs to you. xoxo.

i recently signed a prue leith petition about assistance in dying. The older I get, and the older my loved ones get, it just seems cruel and unusual punishment to expect people to die unaided. Naturally, safeguards etc. living will and so on. DNR as an expression of intent. Sorry if derailing - it just makes me livid.

meanwhile OP please be kind to yourself. It’s difficult to put a time on the situation - no drip and no fluids, post operation (general anaesthetic?) and analgesia (particularly opiates) can be helpful in moving things along. Small comfort when time seems suspended in the event.

YANBU. I'm so sorry that you and your Mum are having to go through this.

My Grandmother had dementia. It was literally torture for her. She fell and broke her hip, developed pneumonia and died a very peaceful death. It was the best thing that could have happened to her. Dementia is so incredibly cruel. It's one of those conditions that's far worse than death imo. Your feelings are valid and show how much you love her.

I'm her only daughter and upset that she thinks that about me.

It's not what she thinks about you it's the dementia.

Of course you are not evil to wish that this horror would end for her.

I miss my dad every day but am also thankful that he didn't get to the stage that your poor mum is at.

Please don't beat yourself up. She DOESN'T think you are an evil bitch, she says these things because she is unwell. She won't know she's said it. Dementia is a wicked disease for everyone involved. I'm truly sorry OP, take care of yourself

I had a similar experience with my mother. It’s not her saying that, it is the illness. I’ve tried to forget the end, and remember my mother as she was, not the person she became.

My mother passed away fairly quickly once she started refusing food and drink. I was glad it was so rapid at the end.

Sending some warm hugs your way.

I’m so sorry. This is heartbreaking. Remember, it’s the cruel illness. Not your mother speaking. Hopefully she can be at peace soon