I so hope this is the end (dying)

[Soupsetscared]

Mum broke her hip on Monday, had an operation on Tuesday.
She has been suffering with dementia for a number of years.
Lives in a residential home. She does have a DNAR in place.
Went to see her Wednesday and she is just curled up sleeping alot.
Same Thursday and Friday. The only thing she has eaten is a spoon
of porridge. One small sip of water. Ripped the canulla out herself.
Now is refusing all food and drink.
Yesterday the only words she said was to call me 'evil and a fING bith.
Today she hasn't eaten or drunk anything.
Hospital say it's not at the end yet. Will call me when it's nearly time, so I can
ring my brother and aunt.
I have never heard mum swear. I'm her only daughter and upset that she
thinks that about me.
Am I evil hoping it is the end. She has no life can't remember any of her family
and friends. Forgotten she was ever married.
This was someone who was the first on the dancefloor and last to get off.
Enter a beauty contest before marriage and won.
PA to the CEO of a top company.
Loved everyone and anyone.

So sorry OP, that dementia has taken your mum from you.

I don't have many words of wisdom but have been there and how you feel is very normal, you are not 'evil' and very importantly - what your mum is saying is not a reflection of what she thinks of you and does not negate the truth of her which is who she was to you before she became unwell. Patients with dementia experience extremes of mood and personality changes as part of that illness, and are not responding to rational thoughts they have decided on, sad though it all is.

If those caring for her don't think it is the end yet then I would try to accept that as best you can, my experience is that they are generally quite accurate with those estimates based on a lot of experience of witnessing the dying process first hand.

What you can do for her at this point is check in on her, be with her in those last moments (which will be much quieter) and support yourself by perhaps looking into coping with anticipatory grief. Anticipatory Grief Resource - Cruse

I had a great deal of support from Cruse after a life changing loss last year and felt very alone with it (don't have much family around etc). Calling them and being assigned a grief counsellor got me through the lowest point in ways I may not have even appreciated at the time actually. I had a weekly call from a counsellor and she was wonderful. Really in awe that people volunteer to support strangers through some things which must be so awful to hear a person experiencing.

Not evil in the slightest. It is a horrific thing to go through!

To echo PP, @Soupsetscared, your DM's dementia was talking when she was horrible to you. That's not what she would say if she could really speak from her heart.
My DM died in January.
She didn't have dementia, but did have a disease which made living very difficult for her - everything was a massive effort and took all of her energy and breath.
I miss her terribly, but I'm not sorry she died - she had no quality of line at all. I suspect you will identify with that, but will also feel horribly torn about the whole thing just now.
All you can do for now is get through it in the best way you can, but do make sure you look after yourself. I really feel for you.

So sorry, OP. It is heartbreaking and awful. For your mum's sake, I really hope the end comes very soon.

Nothing even vaguely evil about hoping she dies soon.

Death can be welcome and it sounds like it would be a blessing and a release for her.

Wishing strength to you.

It's your mother's time very soon. It's not wrong to wish her godspeed.

Be gentle with yourself, and don't take what she said to heart. You know it was just her illness.

So sorry, she's doesn't mean that. She's just had enough and is lashing out.

I'm so sorry.

This is very reminiscent of when my mother died. She was in a care home with dementia, although she actually died because a dormant cancer became more active. Over several days she got weaker and weaker and simply lay in bed, not eating and drinking. At one point she was just repeatedly saying "I want to die, how can I die, please let me die", and it was just awful. But she then reached a point when she was basically just asleep/semi conscious and didn't seem to be distressed any more, and she just very gradually slipped away. When she eventually died, it was very peaceful. It sounds as if your mother may be at the point when she isn't suffering and is just slipping away.

I'm so sorry. It's the cruellest thing. I have always felt that I lost and grieved for my mum twice - once when she became a different person and didn't know who I was, and again when she actually died.
I hope you have some support around you. Look after yourself 💐

Once they are only getting fluid from sponges, you know the end is near.

My mum also refused food and drink. She developed pneumonia which turned to sepsis and it was very peaceful (we said no treatment)
I wished every minute she had dementia that we could choose a peaceful ending like we do for our pets

So sorry OP, an awful experience for you to watch your DM go through this. I too have witnessed dementia first hand, and it really is a cruel illness. Unfortunately the mother you knew and loved had already gone, and you are not evil in any way for not wanting to watch her go this or for her to be suffering.
people with dementia by the end, aren’t themselves and your old mum wouldn’t have called you that name, it’s just this cruel illness has taken her already.
You really wouldn’t put an animal through this, so it’s so sad we allow it for humans.
Take care.

i feel for you.

You’re not evil, and that wasn’t your mum speaking those words, it’s the illness. I think it’s the beginning of the end, my brother in law stopped eating when my sister died. He wanted to die, he knew what to do, the end, when it came was peaceful, he just drifted away.
Thinking of you OP.

So sorry for you, dementia makes them say terrible things they dont really mean. We went through this with a close relative in a resthome. We knew she was dying. We took the TV out of her room and replaced it with a CD player with her favourite CDs. The staff played them softly in the background. We spent time with her, talked about old times. We told her "You can go now." She was in bed, in pain, on morphine, not talking, refusing food. On the last day the staff tried to feed her. She opened her eyes and said quite clearly "I want to go now!!" She passed away quietly during the night. Deep down she made that choice and went peacefully.

No words or direct advice just for you and your mum.
Wishing you both peace xxx

Just here to hold your hand OP

Can I ask how this presented when it was early? How did you know? I know someone the same age who we think is showing signs but it’s hard to know and a relative refuses to believe as they are so young.

You’re not evil.

My MIL had dementia for over thirty years. She spent the last ten years of her life in a nursing home with none of her faculties.

I remember crying with frustration when the nursing home rang to say she had a chest infection and they were going to give her IV antibiotics.

Hugs, OP. It’s very hard.

And your mum doesn’t hate you or think badly about you, she’s just very sick and doesn’t know what he’s saying.

Sending you lots of love OP, I get it. Not evil in the slightest, I feel the same about my lovely old Dad who would hate the cat he is now with dementia on top of Parkinson's. If I could give him a pill to end it, I would. It would be the last kindness and so often when we visit he says he just wants to die. If he was an animal we'd be done for cruelty keeping him alive. Yes, I feel awful writing that but he would (and once did) say exactly the same. Look after yourself, and don't let the medics talk you into anything you don't feel in your heart your mum would want x

I’m so sorry OP. We recently lost my Aunt to dementia. It’s a very cruel disease. When she reached the point of not eating or drinking she lived another two days. They had end of life drugs ready to administer (basically morphine and anti-nausea drugs) but in the end she didn’t need them. I was worried she would be thirsty and not able to communicate this but the palliative care team were excellent and said they were looking out for any tiny signs of distress, and if they saw any they would give the drugs. In the end she passed very peacefully. I hope your Mum is the same.

My experience of dementia is that the person that they love the most is the one that they are the most vile to.

My vague theory is that when they see the person they love the most they get a huge rush of emotion about them but they don’t know why. Which must be absolutely terrifying. And so they deal with this fear through anger.

I signed it to.

This is so cruel. How many millions of people have been waiting years for operations and they operate on someone with a DNR. How many thousands did that cost.

We finally after multiple battles got antibiotics crossed off my mother's drug chart in her nursing home, having literally shouted at them to prevent admission to hospital. I know the symptoms control reasons for giving them but the staff were prolonging her life because they don't know her. We fought those battles because we love her so much. There are many things worse than death.

Wishing your dm a peaceful crossing of the bar.

Don't take her words to heart @Soupsetscared . Your mum is sick, scared , in pain and very alone (even though your with her and trying to support her). Dementia is a very cruel disease. It robs us slowly of the one we love and leaves us a shell of that person. I hope your mum passes comfortably and painlessly. Even though she might not understand do tell her how much you love her and how much she means to you. The intent in your voice will come through and hopefully shell hake comfort in your warmth and love.